A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

Join Trey and Blon, two girl crazy Jedi Padawans as they attempt to save Alderan High School from the most dangerous force in the universe...themselves.

A six-part not-so-epic space opera in the tradition of...well...nothing...

"STAR WARS HIGH SCHOOL"

EPISODE 5: THE UMPIRE BITES CRACK

     "Play ball", the droid called and everybody just stood there on the field looking at each other.
      "Play ball", he repeated.
     Nobody did anything. So the droid switched from its beeps and whistles language to English.
      "Play ball."
     There that did it...

     Blon turned to Trey. "Watch me pulverize this ball". He got up and went to the plate with his bat in hand.
     The pitcher threw the ball...Well, not really. It was more like he levitated it. And at a speed too fast for the eye to follow.
      "Stee-rike One", the umpire announced.
     Blon turned to the ump. "Is that right? Can he do that?" He was pointing at the pitcher, who was grinning broadly.
     "He's a battledroid, son, he can do what he pleases...", answered the ump.
     The ball came at him again, and across the plate at great speed.
     "Stee-rike Two!"
     Blon looked at the bat, an old thing of psuedo plastic alloy. "Aw, to hell with this", he complained.
     The ball came again, this time a little slower, because now the Battledroid Pitcher was confident Blon would strike out.
     Blon pulled his lightsaber from his belt. Schwiz! He sliced the ball in half and it fell at his feet.
     "Stee-rike Three! You're out..."
     Blon was looking on the ground at the mutilated ball. "Crap, I had the laser turned too high..."
     "Well at least you did pulverize the ball like you said", called out Trey.
     The ump looked at Trey. "You're next son."

     He was nervous. Today at this very game sat the girl of his dreams...Senator Petme Givemeadolla. She'd arrived earlier and was now sitting in the Jedi Council's box seats.
     The last time trey had laid eyes on her was at The Trade Federation Rugby Match on the fire planet of Tagnon. Unfortunately, because of the extreme heat, the game only lasted 4 seconds before the ball and most of the players burst into flame.
     That was 3 years ago. She'd grown a lot in all that time. Now wearing her hip hugger jeans with thong showing, and a T-shirt that read, "These are boobies", he could hardly not notice her...no matter how subtle she was trying to attract him.
     ÔShe looks even better than when the paparazzi caught her nude sunbathing in the Gungan city", thought Trey.
      And so today he was determined to get her to notice him. Today he would win her heart. Staring long at her, winking and blowing kisses, he was oblivious to the ball as it sailed right past him.
      "Stee-rike One!"
      "Oops", he said, looking back at his teammates who didn't share his enthusiasm for the lovely Senator.
     So holding the bat tightly, he turned his attention to the pitcher, who was making hand signals. The pitcher reared back for the pitch and...Plop! His arm fell off.
     The umpire said something unintelligible, which if you've ever heard a parmesean umpire with seven mouths speak, you'd know exactly what I mean.
     Repair droids came out onto the field and carted off the dilapidated pitcher, temporarily replacing him with a nifty R2 unit. Of course, sport politics being what they are, no one even realized R2 units didn't have any arms to throw with.
     Finally somebody developed the proper endorphins to generate an intelligent thought and sent in a relief pitcher that had arms.
      "Oh no", Trey gasped, seeing who it was.
      Rah-Kee Balbulba, one of the most feared individuals in the world of sports...and bad acting. A former heavyweight champion, not only once, but twice (though both within 15 minutes of each other). Trey didn't stand a chance in Hellfrigia.
      Whoosh! The ball whizzed by him before he even realized it had been thrown.
     "Stee-rike Two", the umpire called from several of his mouths.
     Trey tuned on him angrily. "That's only strike one!"
     After a growl though, Trey realized he'd conveniently forgotten that first strike just minutes ago. "Oh...that strike".
      "Youse is going to lose, Adrian", Balbulba called out.
     "Adrian? Don't you mean Ôalien'?"
     The pitcher threw the ball.
     Trey swung the bat. Crack!! It was good hit. The orb went flying up and out of the stadium where it struck a neighboring moon.
     "Dang trey", whooped Blon, "You hit it to the moon!!!"
      "Wait a minute", trey said low, "That's not a moon..."
     A chain reaction was coming over the surface of the moon. It glowed and sizzled with electricity. Suddenly, it exploded in a shower of sparks and pre-digital effects. Chunks of the moon dispersed into space, including one particular piece that just seemed to hover there suspended.
      "Oh crap Trey", Blon cried out, "You blew up another Death Star!"
      "Dang it", Trey cursed, stomping around the home plate, "that's the third one this week!"
     The umpire called the play..."Foul Ball!"
     Trey turned on him, disgusted. "Oh bite my butt!"
      Of course, that is something you don't say to a creature with seven mouths Chomp! The ump bit down on Trey's Gluteus maximus.
      "YEE-OWWW!"
     Everyone turned their heads away. They just couldn't watch the spectacle. Even Blon who normally would be egging others on couldn't look.
     But Petme did. After all, she thought Trey had a cute butt and she'd often thought of biting it herself.
     And no one saw what appeared to be a fragment of the Death Star plummeting to the ground until it was too late...

END OF EPISODE 5

LOOK FOR TREY AND BLON TO RETURN IN " EPISODE 6:RETURN OF THE DEAD GUY"

Note: The making of this chapter was not affected by the baseball strike, but the cheerleader's union announced they would strike soon and it halted production for three weeks...

Star Wars High School" was written by Paul D. Aronson, who prefers women's gymnastics over team sports any day....