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December 2000 Newsletter |
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L Arellano, III Home
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Reliance Alarm Co. Home Page SAFETY ISSUES Student Driver Tip Sleepy Drivers PC Shock Hazard Ice Cream Danger COMIC SECTION
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 TM Copyright © 2000 Luis Arellano, III. All
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"Put your feet up and relax a while." |
December
2000
from
THE ARELLANO FAMILY!
DEPARTMENT THE COMPUTERS, OF
Computers
are advancing relentlessly.
Last year I upgraded from Microsoft Word 95 to Word 2000.
The spelling and grammar checking are very powerful, but they haven’t
yet mastered the English language. Here’s
an example of a recommended change to one of my proposals:
My
text:
I recommend as a bare
minimum, installing at least two smoke detectors, one at the top of each
stairway. This assumes that all other coverage required by local codes would be
provided by department store detectors or by hardwired detectors installed by an
electrician.
The
recommended grammar per Word 2000:
I recommend as a bare minimum, installing at least
two smoke detectors, one at the top of each stairway. This
assumes that an electrician would provide by department store detectors or by
hardwired detectors installed all other coverage required by local codes.
My
text:
Maybe if all the roads hadn't been blocked we might have gotten help, but it was just impossible.
The
recommended word per Word 2000:
been
My
text:
...time to break out a fresh box of Mallomars.
The
recommended word per Word 2000:
Mall mars
Windows Prophecy. As I updated a 1994 newsletter for posting, the spelling checker zeroed in on an item I wrote about upgrading my computer's operating system. It suggested changing from "Dosshell" to "Doss hell." They got that one right.
Other Prophecy. We were discussing the future of the medical profession. Doctors are relying more and more on computers, and people are able to access a growing body of medical information over the Internet. I theorized that by and by you would enter an examination room, and a robotic, computerized doctor would ask questions, examine you, perform tests and render a diagnosis. Barb, long a victim of "white-coat-syndrome," said, "You know how I am around doctors. I'll really be nervous about cold hands."
WARNING: SEVERE SHOCK HAZARD FROM COMPUTER MONITORS
It Was a Shocking Conversation. As I discussed a keypad code change with a customer, I noticed a dust accumulation on the glass face of my 17" computer screen. I used my forefinger in a back and forth pattern to gather the dust off the screen into a little disposable mass while I talked. A few moments after I dropped the dust ball into the trash can, a static buildup jumped through the carpet, my shoes and my body, out my ear to the phone, and out the phone cord, making such a deafening crack and bright flash I thought the building was hit by lightning. (I had a close call with a powerful lightning bolt at a job on South Mountain a few years ago. This one sounded just like it, except for the thunder clap that followed that one.) The customer heard it plainly over the line, too. It took a few moments to realize that I had brought it upon myself. I recommend that you shut off your computer monitor and let it sit a while before you wipe off the dust.
Microsoft "Rip-off." Why does a big company like Microsoft, which should be very concerned about maintaining its image, indulge in product rebates that require you to mutilate the pretty boxes they spent so much money designing? I sent Microsoft a nasty letter suggesting they make the proof of purchase a separate tear-off tab instead of requiring us to rip off our box tops. That $40 rebate on Front Page 2000™ will haunt Microsoft for years in poor product image as users anguish over this scene every time they use their software libraries. For Shame!
STICKY NOTE DEPARTMENT.
Battle to the finish. Barb knew that Martha Stewart would be running a week of Halloween related shows. Unfortunately, Martha's show runs in the middle of the night. I put a sticky note on my video recorder, "Lou - tape Martha Stewart for Barb." A few days later, a remark appeared below it, obviously feedback from one of the office staff, "Martha is a fake." The note was out of space, so I tacked on another saying, "It takes one to know one." The final word appeared a few days later: "Then you should know she's a phony."
I used a sticky note to jot down a few preferences for my funeral. It included some favorite hymns and so forth. Wendy found it laying around and appended a note of her own. "Should we pencil in a date? Sign some extra checks." (Don't panic, I was just thinking way ahead!)
Sticky Bun, Sticky Note. David wrote, "Dad, I would really appreciate it if you could tape Christina Aguilara for me." He stuck his note on the front of the sticky bun box. How was he so sure I would find it?
Student Driver Safety Tip.
Our bookkeeper, Wendy mentioned that her daughter Lauren is now a student driver. She said she gets very nervous when Lauren is driving and cuts a little closer to trees, poles and things than Wendy would go herself. When she said she is worried Lauren will miss a stop sign, I said I had the same problem with my boys. I came up with this solution, which is quite positive and saves a lot frayed nerves and Tums:
Whenever a stop sign, traffic signal or similar critical traffic control device comes into view, the student driver must call it out loud, including the green ones. The passenger is thus assured that the student has seen the sign and presumably will obey it. This procedure is derived from railroad rules, where the engineer and fireman are required to call out signals to each other and also broadcast their signal indications over the railroad radio. If the student driver does not call out a critical sign before the agreed deadline, there is still time for the passenger to calmly point out, "You're about to miss a stop sign!" This method is also useful if you think the driver is drowsy, but that's another whole issue.
Sleepy Drivers.
On the subject of sleepy drivers, NBC's Dateline ran an excellent hour long program July 16, 2000 on this topic. They should get an award for it. It is my feeling that every driver should be required to view it. You can order the video segment from the Dateline web site.
Let's play THE "ROAD KILL" GAME
Barb and I are driving down the road. We have been talking about some amusement rides we took on vacation. Lou: "I just invented an amusement ride. A car you get into that simulates a wreck. You know, flipping over and stuff like that." There is a pause as we drive on. We pass a dead animal on the road. Two big black birds are eating it. Barb: "There's a game! Pretend you're road kill and birds are pecking at your body."
OFF THE PHONE WIRE
Al K. commented after a bit of technical assistance by phone: "I feel like a good air controller has just helped me land a 747."
Louise S., about to move out of the area temporarily: "It has been a wonderful system. I have been a very happy customer.
SHARED ASSETS
One day the ground was soggy after a rain. I noticed Barbara wearing my old work shoes for a trip to put scraps on her compost pile out beyond the yard. I jibed, "What else of mine do you wear? [Pause.] [Smile.] Can I borrow your nightie?"
Barb & Lou's Garden Woes in the Drought of 1999
The grass was burning out. (Colored sunglasses helped make it look a lot better.)
We had "Bad" bees. (The yellow jackets were even testier than we were.)
The ground was hard as a rock. (Except for the sand mound, which had its usual mushy spots that swallow the riding mower.)
The well system was gurgling and blowing air from the spigots in a threatening manner. (There's evidently a leak in the riser pipe that lets air in when it's not under water. It cleared up by itself after rains came and the leaky point got below the water level.)
Barb's usually lush pachysandra beds were drying out. (Poison ivy seemed to be the only thing flourishing.)
Our most beautiful trees were struggling for survival, and I'm sure one of my favorites was saved only by the couple buckets of water I poured at its base in panic as the leaves withered before my eyes on the hottest day. (We lost most of the cedar trees in our woods, but they were scrawny and we never really liked them, anyway. Those ugly, stickery wild roses survived in abundance, though.)
Crows took over Barb's bird bath. (There was no room for Barb.)
A Wal-Mart Flower. Barb and I went to Wal-Mart for a few things. While we were browsing, she picked up a bunch of those wispy dried flowers wrapped in cellophane - the kind crafters put in arrangements as filler. ("Gyp Perfecta Nat," the label said. I think that's Latin for "perfect tinder for lighting with flint." "Baby's breath," Barb later called it.) However, the store didn't have any of the other items we really went to get. Barb groused, "You mean I have to wait in those long lines to pay for this one lousy thing of flowers? I'm putting them back!" Taking the slender bundle from her in gallant manner I replied, "I'll go through the line while you browse through the clothing department. She liked that idea. [Find something you like, Barb. Price is no object.] When my turn came, I gingerly handed the arrangement to the female cashier, asking her advice and approval: "Do you think my wife will like these?"
Graduated Time Zones. The week after the clock went back to standard time, I noticed our technician, Dave, was calling in half an hour earlier than usual each morning. At lunch later in the week, I said to him, "It looks like the time change has helped you to get going quicker." Then I teased, "But the clock went back a whole hour, Dave!" He replied, "I have to ease into it. It's a gradual thing."
He went on to explain that the squirrels in his attic were getting up an hour earlier.
"When they start scampering around just above my bed, it ticks me off. They wake me up and I can't get back to sleep."
(He isn't worried about the squirrels eating his wires because it's an old farmhouse and there are no wires up there.)
THE LONG AND THE SHORT OF IT. Cleaning out an old job file, I found the draft of a letter I wrote many years ago. It ended, "Sorry to write such a long letter. I didn't have time to write a short one."
Let's Eat! One day Barb was watching a tape of Martha Stewart's show. Always jealous of how nice Martha's things are compared to her own, she declared, "That soil looks so good you could eat it!" "Eat it," I asked? "Yeah, it's so flaky looking - rich and dark - like chocolate."
The "Jags." We sat in the den one day watching TV. Barb let out a big yawn. When it faded, she said, "I've got the yawning jags." "The what," I asked? She replied with a chuckle, "I don't know, I made it up."
Lou's Laws
The number of paper towels required for cleanup during an automobile repair always exceeds by one the number available.
Dave's Cologne
We were gathering Christmas wish lists.
Mom to Dave: "Do you need cologne?"
Dave: "Yes, I do."
Mom: "Are you still using that... same guy?"
We chuckled.
Dave: "Yeah, call my cologne guy. He'll fix you up."
Magic Wheels. David was concerned about his clutch. He had the service manual out and was crawling underneath. He made several trips into the office for consultation. I finally asked, "Is it drivable right now?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Let's take a little spin." He said, "OK." He turned toward the door, continuing, "Just let me put the tires back on."
Tweety Knows. We were looking at bird houses in a little gift shop. There was a little bitty one. I said, "It looks more like a bee house than a bird house." Then there was a tin one. Barb said, "There's one they'll like." I asked, "They like tin houses?" She said, "Sure, Lou. They said so."
Longer Train, Longer Trip. We had a gang over for Thanksgiving. While the turkey cooked, I gave interested parties a tour of my model railroad. One by one I brought my shorter trains out of the ten-track yard and ran them up the grade to the upper level and then back down. After a while I got a couple of trains going at the same time, and then a third. For the finale, I parked all the short trains and brought my 90-car coal drag "out of the hole" with six engines. It was quite a sight as it wound its way through the helix, the double track wye and around several sharp reversing loops, always on the verge of tipping over. As it got going I announced, "This train is pretty big. It takes five minutes to make a full loop." My brother, Paul chuckled. "You mean this one is so long, it takes longer to go around? How much time did the other trains take?"
From Famous Service Reports
Dave said: "I made it home to my parents' place just in time to be late."
Barb does Stand-up Comedy:
Little Legs. I was looking for some medicine in the kitchen cabinet. Not finding it, I asked Barb if she had seen it. After years of hearing similar questions, she teased, "Let me get a chair, Lou, it's not going to come marching out of the back. That's what men do. They look into the cabinet and expect what they want to come dancing to the front, like it had little legs on it...
"They do the same thing with the refrigerator. They expect the food to leap out at them: 'Where's the mustard... Oh, here it comes.'"
Warning! Certain ice cream bars have solid chocolate cores. When you buy them from a mobile vendor, these bars have been stored in dry ice and are frozen like rock! Use great caution when biting into one. It's best to start it off lollipop style, and let the bar soften up a bit before biting in. In my impatience, I broke a front tooth trying to bite off a piece of that yummy chocolate center.
The China Connection. One of our clients called to say there was a problem with the phone connection to the alarm. I already knew it, because their system had failed to send the automatic test signal the night before. We were unable to contact them, because... well, their phone lines were out. The problem arose over a long weekend, when someone cut the main cable outside of their building and diverted it into a nearby trailer, where they connected an array of phones to the lines. A large number of people cycled through the trailer over the weekend, each one calling relatives in China. The bill was over $5,000!
Getting Older? As I sat in the Doctor's waiting room to have a pain checked out, a man about my age emerged from the exam area. He proceeded to the checkout window, declaring to the nurse, "Well, I got the word: I'm just getting older." Across the waiting room I asked, "Does that mean I don't even have to go in?" He looked over and replied with a chuckle, "Just save your forty bucks and keep on moving."
Naturally Smaller.
Lou: "That looked like a really big hunk of chicken until I cut it up. Now it looks like nothing."
Barb: "That's not chicken, it's turkey."
Lou: "Huh. Maybe that's why."
Lofty Aspirations.
We were intently following the Presidential election drama on TV.
Barb: "Wouldn't it be exciting to work in the White House as a... cleaner or something?"
Lou: "A cleaner?"
A moment later we were laughing.
Barb: "I don't set my goals very high, do I?"
A few weeks later we were watching the Inaugural ceremonies. The Chief Usher was announced by a commentator.
Barb: "Chief Usher. There's a job."
Lou: "You're moving up now."
Carbon Monoxide Follies.
We have a Carbon Monoxide Detector in the kitchen near the basement stairs. Every once in a while it goes off falsely on various provocations like hair spray, solvents, etc.
Whenever we have a big party, it usually goes off. Believing that carbon monoxide or other airborne contaminants are had built up, and concerned for the well being of my guests, I temporarily unplugged the detector while I opened up all the windows for a few minutes and maybe set up a fan, too, to get fresh air into the house.
One day I was standing near the detector when it suddenly went off for no apparent reason. A moment later, I realized I had just farted. After a while it dawned on me that all those times I made a big fuss running around during parties opening up windows and turning on fans, I probably embarrassed some flatulent guest who had simply passed gas nearby.
