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Chapter 11:
Adulthood: Relationships and Roles
MARRIAGE
The Changing Landscape of Marriage
§ Throughout history,
Marriage was based on practical concerns
Ø Marriages were arranged without any notion
of gloveh
§ Marriage served as a
function of male society
§ Late 20th
century change: Marriage is “deinstitutionalized”
Ø Womenfs movement, gay rights
Ø Single parents, blended families, cohabitation
Around the World
The Middle East: Male-dominated marriage
§ Women do not have equal
status
§ Women are expected to
stay home
§ Women care for the house
and children
§ It is difficult for
a woman to get a divorce for herself
§ It is easy for a man
to divorce his wife
Northern Europe: Marriage doesn’t matter
§ 50% of babies are born
to single mothers
§ Cohabitation rates are
at 50% in Sweden
Married and Cohabiting Couples Aged 30-39, selected EU countries:
In the United States
Dreaming of marriage for life
§ 8 out of 10 want to
be married for life
§ 90% of adults eventually
get married
Ø Women want a man with a stable income
Ø Men would like to be in a stable job
Ø Both want to feel mature enough to marry
§ Couples face a daunting
task
Ø Stay married for half a century or more
Ø 200 years ago, most people didnft
live that long
The Marital Pathway
The “U” shaped Curve
Honeymooners have the highest bliss
Ø About 10% of couples stay blissful throughout
Ø For the other 90% it goes downhill from
there
The downhill slope levels out around year 4
Ø If a couple can get past the first 4 years,
they have past the gdanger zoneh
Happiness can grow when children leave
Ø The empty-nest couples can reconnect
Ø But they must first have connections!
Happiness Theory
Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love
We can break adult love relationships into 3 components:
Ø Passion: sexual arousal
Ø Intimacy: feelings of closeness
Ø Commitment: marriage or exclusive, lifelong
cohabitating relationships
Consummate love
Ø Ideal form of love in which the relationship
involves all three facets
Happiness Theory
How do we stay “happy” in love
§ Marriage takes work
Ø Engage in weekly mutually pleasurable activities
Ø Talk to each other - stay connected
Ø Communicate feelings
Couple Communications and Happiness
§ Engage in more positive
interactions than negative
§ When arguing, don’t
be hurtful or contemptuous
§ Emotional involvement
goes two ways
§ Unhappy couples have
insecure attachments
§ Happy couples have a
communal model of love
Ø An exchange model (or keeping score) can lead to serious problems
§ Happy couples see negative
interactions as situational rather than personal
Interventions
Do you want a happy marriage?
§ Share exciting activities
§ Be positive often
§ Do not get personal
when you fight
§ Do not fall into demand-withdrawal
patterns
§ Avoid score-keeping
§ Do not bring outside
troubles into the home
A Global view:
§ Modern individualistic
societies believe in “working” at marriage.
§ In traditional collectivist
societies, relationships between extended members of the family take priority over the emotional bond of a husband and wife.
§ In some areas of the
world, divorce is illegal.
Divorce
When people consider divorce…
§ They are unhappy and
ambivalent
§ They must consider financial
matters
§ They must consider the
effect it may have upon the family
Once divorce occurs:
§ Where will you live?
§ Will you change jobs?
§ What will loved ones
say?
§ Who will remain friends?
§ Child guilt and distress
Who decides when to get a divorce?
Divorce in the U.S.
Women usually make the decision to leave
§ Women appear more dissatisfied
than men
Why women divorce:
§ 20’s – Focused
on growth as a person
§ 30’s – Focused
on the husbands emotional issues
§ 40’s – Focused
again on growth as a person
Issues for women in divorce:
§ Being a single mom,
step mom, new mom
Issues for men in divorce:
§ Since moms typically
receive custody of the kids – men become part-time dads or disengage
§ Being a step-dad or
new dad with absent kids
PARENTHOOD
More parenting possibilities
§ Non traditional parents
Ø Stepparents
Ø Never-married adults
Ø Gay couples
§ Freedom to choose not to be parents
PARENTHOOD
Fewer children are born - by choice
§ Especially among the
more affluent regions of the world
Ø Possibly because people are waiting longer
to get married
» Economic reasons
Ø Developed countries, like Russian, tend
to not want to bring a child into a poor economy
Ø Media are painting an unpatriotic and selfish
society, which is not the case
§ Childless couples –
if by choice – are happy
§ Having children to save
a marriage, is equally false.
PARENTHOOD
The Transition to Parenthood
§ Parenthood makes couples
less intimate and romantic
§ Parenthood produces
more traditional marital roles
Ø Mothers tend to do more housework and diaper
changes
» Even when both parents work full-time
Ø Couples often report that having children
increase their love for their spouse
Ø Amplifies strengths and weaknesses in a
relationship
Motherhood
Mothers of young children report the lowest level of happiness
Ø As compared to women with no children or
empty-nest mothers
Disrespect, disobedience, and typical behaviors like temper tantrums make women most irritated
or unhappy
Ø Tempers flair
Ø Relationship to specific children varies
» Temperamental children brought mothers down
» Easy children brought mothers up
Ø Motherhood is both wonderful and terrible
Fatherhood
The new nurturer dad
Ø Developed in 1970s, when women began entering
the workforce in large numbers.
Ø Dad changes diapers
Ø Dad spends time on homework and activities
Ø Expected to be good sex-role models: how
men should behave.
» Fathers on average spend more time with sons than daughters.
§ Dads are sometimes the
disciplinarians
Ø Final authority on family rules
Fatherhood
Man’s Gender Role Conceptions
Ø If they expect traditional sex roles
» Less likely to help with housework and children
Ø If a women is out of the house working longer
hours, the man must step in to help.
Ø Women can act as gatekeepers to their roles
» Some women don't let men enter their domain
Some men work two jobs to support the family
Ø These men think they have no time for home
duties.
Ø But, single mothers working 42 hours find
the time?
Ø Men feel the “breadwinner” is
their major role.
» Self esteem diminishes if they feel they canft make it
WORK
Traditional stable careers are waning
§ In the U.S., the permanent
life’s corporate position is gone
§ People in these careers
have lower midlife satisfaction
Boundaryless careers are now the norm
§ The average U.S. worker
changes jobs or professions periodically throughout their working lives
Ø This gives a person more chances to find
flow in a career
Ø Also leads to job insecurity
The NSCW
Every five years, the National Study of the Changing Workforce (NSCW) is conducted.
§ Most 40 hour work weeks
turn out to be about 49 hours
Ø Companies downsize and those left have more
to do
Ø People work harder – maybe due to
job insecurities
Ø Technology allows people to stay in touch
with work 24/7
§ Women are the most insecure
in their careers
Ø Women have less continuous careers
Ø Due to social norms they have different
“expected” careers
Ø Occupational segregation maintains sex differences
at work
Ø 98% of secretaries, clerks and child care
workers are women
Ø Women are in lower paying job categories
Ø Women get lower pay when they are in the
same jobs as men
» Women get an average $150 less than men per week
The lifespan theory of careers
§ Stages in a lifetime
of work:
Ø Moratorium - searching during adolescence
and emerging adulthood.
Ø Establishment - finding the work identity
in young adulthood.
Ø Maintenance - less interested in personal
success in midlife.
Ø Decline - retire and disengage from our
career.
§ We can predict changes
in work attitude – especially related to age:
Ø People in their 20fs and 30fs
work harder than
people in their 40fs and 50fs getting ready to retire.
Career Happiness
Find a career that fits your personality
Find a workplace that fits your needs
§ Intrinsic career rewards
Ø Inner fulfillment: satisfy creativity, autonomy,
relatedness
§ Extrinsic career rewards
Ø Work for external reinforcements like prestige
and salary
Types of workers
§ Work-centric workers
Ø Worker puts work above self and family life
§ “Dual centric”
workers
Ø Worker puts equal importance on family and
job
§ “Family centric”
workers
Ø Worker puts family life above job
§ “Duel” and
“family” centric workers tend to be happier and more productive on the job
Career Happiness
l Workers must watch out for negative factors:
§ Role overload
Ø When there is not enough
time to do all that is required
§ Role conflict
Ø When you are torn between life (family and
work) demands
Lessons for the Overworked
Minimize interruptions
§ Close door or hold off
on answering e-mails or phone calls.
Finish one task before starting
another
Find ways to reduce stress and use them
If possible, leave work at work
§ Leave work stress at
work
§ If you must do work
at home – at least make the work of the home the priority at home.
Lessons for Employers
l Get rid of the busy
work
l Get rid of distractions
§ Help the workers to
focus on the work
l Do not micromanage
§ Let workers get the
job done their way
l Be sensitive to your
worker’s family lives
§ Can increase productivity
and security
l Don’t overwork
your employees
§ A 40 hour week should
mean a 40 hour a week job.
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