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A Day Without Laughter
is Like a Night Without Stars
THE CURIOUS
NUN
(from
Belinda)
A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place
was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would
go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up
to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?”
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked
man in there wearing only a fig leaf. "Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed
the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough
to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud
for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that
statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"
CAN COLD WATER CLEAN DISHES?
(from Amy)
This is
for all the germ-conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.
Frank went
to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia .
After spending
a great evening chatting the night away, Frank's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, Frank noticed
a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather
replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch
the old man made hamburgers. Again, Frank was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge
that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without
looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you
fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that
afternoon, Frank was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't
let him pass. Frank yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".
Without
diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted...
"COLDWATER,
GO LAY DOWN!!!!"
Meet Coldwater.
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Hot Off The Press
A LITTLE CHRISTIAN COMPUTER HUMOR . . .
(contributed by Pat M)
Jesus
and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days,
and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally
fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results,
I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan
and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They
moused...
They faxed...
They e-mailed...
They e-mailed with attachments...
They downloaded...
They wrote reports...
They did spreadsheets!
They created labels and cards...
They created charts and graphs...
They did some genealogy reports..
They did every job known to man...
Jesus
worked with heavenly efficiency, and Satan was faster than hell. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly
flashed Across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power
went off!
Satan
stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. Finally the
electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan
started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile,
Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became
irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just
shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves!"
UNNATURAL LAWS
(contributed by Micheale)
Law
of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law
of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law
of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law
of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law
of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have
a flat tire.
Variation
Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works
every time)
Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed
in water, the telephone rings.
Law
of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be
seen with.
Law
of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law
of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Theatre
Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law
of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee
is cold.
Murphy's
Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law
of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated
to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law
of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Law
of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's
Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's
Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
IF MY
BODY WERE A CAR
(contribution
from Lori)
If my body
were a car, this is the time
I would be
thinking about trading it in for a newer model.
I've got
bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.
My headlights
are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction
is not as graceful as it once was.
I slip and
slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls
are stained with varicose veins.
It takes
me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate
burns inefficiently.
But here's
the worst of it –
Almost
every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
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Got a Ticklish Funnybone?
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