THE SPEEDING TICKET

(thank you, Belinda!)

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

MORAL:  Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies

SENIORS ARE PRICELESS

 

We are more valuable than any
of the younger generations:

We have silver in our hair.
We have gold in our teeth.
We have stones in our kidneys.
We have lead in our feet.
and ...
We are loaded with natural gas.

(Thanks for sharing this, Peggy)

THIS KIND OF STUFF HAS GOT TO STOP IN OUR COUNTRY!

We Must Stop This Immediately!

Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper . Groceries are heavier . And, everything is further away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones.  They speak in whispers all the time!  If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face!  What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age.  On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am.  I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection.........Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days!  You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days.  Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20?  Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually “believe” the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they’re fooling?

I’d like to call up someone in authority to report what’s going on ― but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!

All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused my computer's fonts to be smaller than they once were.

PERKS OF BEING OVER 50

     1.            Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

   2.            In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

    3.            No one expects you to run ‑ anywhere.

   4.            People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you????

    5.            People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

    6.            There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

    7.            Things you buy now won't wear out.

    8.            You can eat supper at 4 pm.

    9.            You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10.            You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

 11.            You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12.            You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13.            You sing along with elevator music.

14.            Your eyes won't get much worse.

15.            Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16.            Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17.            Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18.            Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19.            You can't remember who sent you this list.

20.            And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.