Let's NOT Viva Mexico

Mexicans. They're all around us. While living in Atlanta I had the opportunity to view these magnificant people in their natural habitat. I went undercover and took up residency smack dab in the middle of a Mexican community. I was able to watch closely and monitor their eating habits, how they interact with their young, and the various ways they hunt and shop. But how much can you learn about about a race of people without understanding their heritage? The answer: A lot! Regardless I felt compelled to look into the past to reveal the beginnings of culture dating back 200,000 years.

Mexico is the seventh largest nation in the world judging by how big it looks on my globe. And being a nation of great land mass Mexico is also a nation of many people. And being a nation of many people Mexico is also a nation of many boring cultural traditions.

Mexico's history begins 200,000 years ago when the first Indians (who were then called "Native Americans") migrated through Mexico to South America in an attempt to find Rio and celebrate Carnival. Of course some Native Americans (who were then called "African-Americans") became tired on the journey south and decided to just settle for a big chunk of land south of the Rio Grande and north of some crappy Central American country.

In 820 AD while most of Europe was in the crapper, the Mayan empires were founded in this area by the descendants of Maya Angelou and Old MacFarmald. Based loosly on trips to Cancun and Tijuana archaeologists have deduced that Mayan people worshiped massive stone heads which had magic powers. When they did good the ancient Mayans would be rewarded with big pyramids and forced slave killings. When they did bad the Mayans would have their water supplies laced with arsenic by the stone heads and their many operatives.

The Mayan life was not all about worshipping stone heads and building stupid pyramids. They thrived upon a game where players took massive stone boulders and put them in massive stone hoops. The game was called "boulderstone" and it was a big hit amongst the Myans.

In 1320 Mayan U. and Olmec A&M engaged in a fierce game of boulderstone. It ended with the two civilizations wiping each other off the face of the earth.

Ten years later the Aztec empire became the greatest empire ever, apparently. Their capital city of Tenochtitlan (pronounced "ten-o-cheat-LAN") was the largest city in the world at the time and the Aztecs were all high and mighty about it.

While the Aztecs upheld the great boulderstone tradition they neglected to borrow the Mayan stone head gods, instead deciding to worship their own silly gods. The chief Aztec god was Aztecapolitzopotlquinzolacuitahilanzumcotl (called Az for short), who was the bird god of the sun and slave-killing. It looked nothing like the Aztecs themselves and it was actually an anime-type bird-thing that they really liked. And like him they did.

Time passed and the Aztecs were all content with their capital city of Tenochtitlan (again, pronounced "ten-o-cheat-LAN"), crazy bird gods, thriving boulderstone league, and slave-killing practices. But the Mayan stone head gods, which were then used as end tables in low-income housing were displeased. They decided to destroy the disrespectful Aztecs. But before they could decide on just exactly how to do it the Spanish came along and did a pretty good job taking care of it themselves.

The Spanish conquistador (which in Spanish means "with quistador") Hernando Cortez arrived at the Aztec empire in like 1520. When the Aztecs saw him they mistook him for their bird god because they were all stupid.

After a while this led to that and the Aztec empire was burned to the ground to make room for some silly Spanish colonial empire. So the Spanish made some crazy colony and things were good for a while. The Spanish got along well with the Spanish and I guess there were some Aztecs left too.

After a great deal of thought and two essay contests the recently-formed nation's recently-formed Congress decided upon a name that would reflect their fiery passion for freedom and such. Unfortunately a horrible grease fire prevented the new name from being released to the public so the survivors just decided on "Mexico". Then they all got drunk.

In 1862 Mexico fucked up and found itself under French rule. In summation the five five-thousand man Mexican army defeated the twelve French soldiers assigned to protect France's new colonial possession on May 5, 1862. In celebration the Mexican people renamed the date May 5 or "Sinko de Mayo", to reflect the nation's love of the condiment which helped them win the war. Nothing has really changed in Mexico since May 5, 1862. Except now I think they have internet access, but I could be wrong on that one.

And thus every year we celebrate the anniversary of that terribly, boring day in which the French were rudely defeated by a nation equally disliked by the international community.

Anyway, my point is that Mexico gives itself far too much credit. So they beat the French--it's no big victory. Germany beat the French. Rock and scissors beat the French. Frankly, I'm starting to believe that Mexico isn't the political and economic powerhouse that it makes itself out to be.

So next year, before you blindly praise the nation of Mexico and celebrate it's independence and its pinatas and its squiggly lines over random letters, remember this rambling discourse on the horrible lies perpetrated by centuries of corrupt and inept government. Or something like that.