There But For the Grace of God Go I.

There was a story in the paper the other day that brought up lots of horrible memories. It was a story of a little girl whose stepfather had murdered her in the bathroom for eating a yogurt that he had forbidden her to take. He had pushed her head into the toilet multiple times until her body went limp. People had heard her screaming “Mommy, Mommy- help me!” repeatedly.

            In this story, I could really see and identify both with the little girl screaming for her mother to help, and with the mother who sat there and did nothing. In my hidden memories, there is still a little girl screaming for help. A girl lost forever in some horror that I still will not let myself fully remember. I have worked through many of the emotions and imagine going into that place in my rosestory, finding the little girl, comforting her and telling her that we are all grown up and that this will never happen again- but stories like this in the news, start her screaming all over again. One day at a time, we comfort her again.  Writing like this helps a lot.

            I could also understand a woman who was so addicted to a relationship to a man, ) that she would listen to those screams in absolute horror- and still not be able to do anything at all to help.  Her whole sense of self-esteem was so tied to her relationship with that man, whose self-esteem in turn, was tied to his domination of her and her children. This is a woman who thought so little of herself, that she felt that she would not be able to emotionally bear being free of this man who had become a monster. This woman will go to prison, wanting to die rather than listen to her child’s screams in her head for the rest of her life. And I thank God, that when I was in a similar place, when I feared for my own life and that of my child, that God gave me the grace, the strength, and the pure luck that I needed to leave.

            If there is anything in this story that rings a bell with you, if you are the child or the woman- then do anything that you can to get help and get out. You are a Rose. You are a Child of God.  There is a song that states, “Lord you are more precious than silver. Lord you are more shining than gold. Lord you are more beautiful than diamonds, and nothing in this world compares with you.” As a child of God, who was created by God to become one with Him- the very same thing is true of you. I believe more than anything, that each and every one of us has a great gift to give to this world. All we have to do is find it, and we will make the world a better place. In addition, if all of us find our gift and express it, every minute of every day, we will have heaven on earth. The little girl in this story has already found her heaven. God is already holding her in his arms and wiping every tear from her eyes. In addition, we are his hands and his feet here on earth.

            At this moment, it might not seem like you are worth it. That is what the Discipline of Self-Esteem is all about- treating yourself with dignity and respect first so that eventually, you will be able to love and appreciate yourself the way God loves you.

Things that helped me were:

A book, “Facing Love Addiction” by Pia Melody, and links like these:

National Domestic Violence Hotline: http://www.ndvh.org/

Getting Help http://www.ncadv.org/protectyourself/GettingHelp_128.html

The Signs http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

P.S.  When I received the inspiration to write this, I thought that I could not. I went to church and the sermon was all about being the person that God meant for you to be, and I knew that this essay and that this web site was part of being that person. I thought that writing this would ruin my life- that I would have to say things that I did not want people to know. It took a few weeks to come to a place where I could write.  Now that I have come to the end of the page, I realize that I did not have to say much about myself- that the story spoke for itself. Never be afraid of who you are. You are a rose and you are lovely.

Mary Rose Murrin

02/05/2006 5:52 AM