Issues and Causes Important to Me In This World

The thing that is most important to me is that there be no more Mary Rose’s.  A Mary Rose is a rose that is always beautiful and fresh no matter how many times it gets trodden into the mud.  It’s good to be beautiful- I just don’t want to see any more beautiful children trodden into the mud.

Kathleen Heide wrote a book “Why Children Kill Their Parents” in which she wrote about her research.  It was her contention that the children who kill their parents have suffered multiple forms of abuse and the more forms of abuse they suffered the more damaged they are.  She had 5 domains- if you got hit by three of them- you were in trouble.  I have had the unusual distinction of being hit by all 5 domains- 13 out of the 15 kinds of abuse and neglect that she mentioned.  It’s a miracle that I’m alive and functional.  My guess is that the reason why I’m still alive and the reason why two random comments of mine helped two people to make at least a billion dollars is because God wants these children to have a voice.  And my inner voice screams “No More Mary Rose’s!!!”  And at the same time, I want to find help for all the roses out there- the persons that have to live and survive.

Most of what I do in this world is promote what is important wherever and whenever I can.

Resiliency helps.  Abuse is like getting thrown into this rabbit hole.  You are falling and there is nothing there to stop your fall.  Resiliency is the branches and crags that you can grab along the way that stop the fall for a time.  They make life seem less hopeless.

            Good schools build resiliency. Schools that build children up not break them down.  Schools that build confidence not humiliation.  I love Sudbury Model schools because it’s a model that is adaptable to all types of children.  Kids who are abused are different and the typical school teacher blames the different for being different.

            Good churches build resiliency.  Churches with programs for children that teach that God loves them rather than punishes them for their sins.  Churches that deal with children as they are and don’t blame the children.  Churches with children’s choirs, children’s and youth groups, churches that have religious education that are much more than simply opening up a text and reading.  Within the Episcopal Church- would like to see all the churches that want Godly Play to be able to afford this innovative program.

            Chances for play is important.  Abused kids don’t know how to play- especially they don’t know how to play nice. Organized fun is really important- adult mentorship is really important. Sports is important- as long as the goal is to build kids rather than win games. Performing Arts is better because there are always magical moments even if the production stinks- the game of let’s pretend is there- the self-esteem moment is there- and that helps a lot.

Most of the kids that are abused will never be discovered.  Families know who they are and they build the kids to protect the family.  My Dad was a school teacher and my Mom was a nurse. My Mom was a treasure when she wasn’t too depressed or too scared- but she was heavy on protecting the family from discovery and if you loved the only person there to love- then you did what she wanted.

On the research side:

            Best Practices Research is only as good as how well the programs are implemented in the real world. That means that we should not only be studying what works but also how to implement what works- and how to study implementation of best practices.

            The best models are prevention. The most dramatic early intervention programs were the High Pointe Head Start Program and the Nurse Visitation Program.  Both involved 30 minutes a week visitation in the home by someone who cared about the kids and the families, who knew the system, and who worked for real solutions not band-aids. In the High Pointe project, the home visitor was a teacher- in the Nurse Visitation Program it was a nurse,  The same researcher who did nurse visitation tried paraprofessionals and it did not work.  Think that the answers are commitment, maturity, education- and really caring for the people that you are dealing with.  No one makes inroads policing anyone.  But if you want at-risk kids to become middle class kids- then get someone from the upper middle class caring for them.

            Peer Support is important.  People who are raised not to trust the system will always have a hard time with established lines of authority- even when they become the established lines of authority- strange paradox but true.

            Working on a multiplicity of problems is important. A friend of mine has a TRIAD treatment program for persons with abuse, mental health, and substance abuse problems.  Good idea.  But if you dealt with just my abuse, depression, anxiety, and adult child issues there is still: messiness, relationship problems, GERD, a sleep disorder, weight management, financial bad habits- perhaps more that have never been discovered.  There’s more than enough problems for an intervention every day of the week and beyond.  What’s important is help dealing with everything- and maybe an attitude adjustment.

The easiest time of my life was in 1991.  My child’s father had just tried to kill me- and my child saw it. I was living on $40 a month more than I made in my full-time job. I had no car. I was workin 20 hours a week at church- so there was no time to deal with anything. My house was a mess. My child got all of his meals at day care. I ate and ate and ate. My debts were overwhelming but there was nothing to attach so who cared. My legs hurt all the time. My Mom had disowned me- or so I thought.  What little time I had left was spent tutoring people who needed more time than they could afford to pass their classes.  There was literally nothing I could do except try to survive and live in pain. Life would have been easier if I had just stayed there and given up any hope. Lots of people do. I’m just not built that way. Simply what I want to do in life is make sure that children do not grow up to get to that place, once they get there- give them the help that they need to start digging out- and once they’ve recovered then give them the attitude change that they need to just keep digging.  The great thing about all of this is: I still believe that I can fly- and that makes all the difference.