It's been awhile since I have posted. It's not that I haven't wanted to. It's just that I have been in over my head. So over my head.

I am finding myself amongst the fine lines. The fine lines of balancing a job I love with the family I love more. The fine lines of balancing a position on staff with being part of non-staff teams, as well as amongst a staff who doesn't always agree with each other. The fine lines of being a parent with a child who needs extra help in school as well as a parent who wants my children to have the best education possible. A parent who wants the best education possible but also wants my children to be happy in school to have a Christian education.

It's a lot. No doubt about it. There aren't enough hours in the day to accomplish all that I want to accomplish. I want to give 100 percent to everything I do. And it kills me to think I might disappoint those I love and respect.

I so wish I were a perfect mom - and wife - and assistant - and friend. And if perfectionism is a sin, I am doomed. I have struggled with it for as long as I can remember, although again, I think there is a fine line between perfectionism and Colossians 3:24-25 (Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.)

I don't even know where I want to go with this post. I have had so many emotions going on this week and so little time. I have so many things I want to get done and so little time. I have so many things to finish and so little time. I have so many thoughts to process and so little time. And yet, I know that in "so little time" my time will be up and I want to be sure that when I stand before Heaven's gates that God is proud of me. That I haven't let Him down. And I fear I have.

Every time I realize that my spiritual life isn't all that it should be. Every time I fail to make the wise choice. Every time I slip and let myself and others down. Every time I fail.

It's not that I doubt God's love for me. I know He loves me with a love that I cannot understand. But there is a difference between loving someone and being proud of the person they are. I so want to be a person after God's own heart and yet I struggle to know what that looks like. If it means spending hours in prayer and Bible study, then I don't stand a shot. If it means trying to live out what I believe and the convictions I have every day, then maybe I do. Pastor Ron quoted Micah 6:8 on Sunday. "...And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." I learned that verse while I was in college and I often come back to it as a center, but what does that look like? Am I?

If "broad is the road that leads to destruction." (Matthew 7:13) then I guess I should be thankful for fine lines. They keep me on the straight and narrow path. (And besides, aren't we supposed to be thankful in all things? - Ephesians 5:20, Philippians 4:6) Unfortunately, sometimes those fine lines feel more like a tightrope and I am just one little wobble from failure. And then, all my hopes, and all my dreams, all my hearts desires will be destroyed. And I won't be the "good and faithful servant" to my family, or my boss, or my friends, or most importantly to God. It's scary. It's very scary.

Well, tonight's post is definitely one of vulnerability. Pretty impressive for someone very careful about whom they trust with the "real me". But I guess there is a fine line between owning up to the truth and living a lie. I don't want to do the latter - ever. I might not always be totally open about what is in my heart or my head, but I want to be open to what God's Spirit is saying to me and through me. And, I have to trust that those who know me and care for me will grant me a little grace to be honest.

I often say I am stressed, but it's not really stress. It's fear. It's fear that all of the balls will come tumbling down and I will have to face the disappointment of everyone around me that I care about. It's fear that I am not the person that God desires me to be - the person I want to be. It's disappointment that I am allowing my fear to stand in the way of my faith, and that's the ultimate fine line.

I was going to give my friend, Amanda, a hard time about not updating her blog since April when I had an eye-opening experience - neither had I.

There are really two reasons for my hiatus. The first is time, but the second is that the last post is still pretty relevant.

Some things HAVE changed since that post. My job is changing a little bit which has been an extreme blessing. Twenty hours is just not enough time to support three large ministries, occasionally support two smaller ones, and coordinate the PrayerLines for a mega-church. (It still cracks me up that by definition we are a mega church.) I think it is even funnier considering Jay used to complain that our old church of 500 at the time was getting too big. :)

We love Pathway though. God is doing some amazing things. It sometimes feels as though the ministry is leading us rather than us leading the ministry, but in some ways, I don't see that as bad. While I am not a big proponent of Henry Blackaby, I do think that Pathway is a living example of what he was trying to convey through Experiencing God. God is moving in a big way at Pathway and we are just coming alongside do to His work. It's His body anyway, right?

Things with Jaron are pretty much smack where they were in April. He will not be returning to BCS in the Fall because they do not feel they have the necessary support in place for his "inattentive ADD". I intentionally put that in quotes because Jay and I are not convinced that it is an accurate diagnosis.

We are currently exploring some other options medically. We are have scheduled an Auditory Processing Disorder screening for July 10th, and we have contacted the Developmental Center at Riley. Hopefully between the two we will get some answers. His neurologist has taken him off of his ADD meds for the summer. It's kind of a double edged sword. While I hate the concept of having him on narcotics, if it truly is ADD, we should be using the summer to find a medication that does work. It does give us an opening however to go with another neurologist if that is what we decide.

The older boys are keeping us busy with basketball this summer. Michael is also doing some grounds work at Cherry Hill for playing privileges as well as taking golf lessons one evening a week. Ryan wanted to play golf, but the tournaments that he wanted to participate in are all on day s when I work. That has been a huge struggle for me. I really wish I could be home more this summer. I have even contemplated returning to stay-at-home status, but I am pretty sure that I would regret that decision come August - especially if Jaron goes to public school where parents are not needed for transportation for field trips, etc... Can you say the "weight of the present"?

Being a part of Blackhawk Christian basketball is a new dimension for us. BCS is for lack of a better term "fanatical" about it's basketball program. They were scheduled to start open gym/practices the Monday after school was out. They ended up starting on Tuesday, but they have had practice and/or a league game every weekday of summer vacation. We have also received e-mails of other leagues, programs, and opportunities that they would like the boys to participate in to sharpen their skills over the summer. I know that it takes work to have a quality program, and I do enjoy being part of a program that typically boasts more wins than losses and has a reputable standing at tournament time, but HOLY COW! The up side is that we have loved our coaches and getting to know the other parents who find themselves in the bleachers week after week.

Wow. This is getting long. I guess I didn't realize how much I missed thinking out loud through my blog. :) I had best get busy on some stuff around the house before I go pick Michael up from basketball and get Ryan ready to leave for CDYC tomorrow. The to-do list is never ending. Hopefully my friend Amanda will Facebook and/or blog about her trip to Brown County and I will be able to take a cyber vacation with her. Besides...it's now her turn to update her blog. :)

I have to wonder if Pastor Ron had any idea as he planned his message this week that of the gazillion people (well maybe not quite that many) who attended Pathway this weekend, that his message would spark so many thoughts in a regular attender - a member of his own staff.

He talked about releasing the weights that hinder you to Christ. He talked about the weight of your past, the weight of your present and the weight of your future. He talked about how those weights can be a hindrance to your walk with Christ and an obstacle to your joy. (At least that is what I got out of what he said and since he was teaching from Philippians, I am probably pretty close.) Anyway...

When he got to the present, it really hit me that I am in total bondage to my present. The issues we have faced with Jaron and the issues that I am facing with two hormonal boys - one teen and one preteen have exhausted my strength. And, I have a great life. I have a job that I love. I live in a nice neighborhood in a big house. I have incredible friends and Facebook to keep up with them. I have a Blackberry. I have a great church. I am married with no plans or concerns of divorce. My children are not in jail or pregnant - nor have they gotten anyone pregnant. I have the money and the ability to take time to get away to scrapbook retreats on a regular basis. There are many who would love to be me.

So why do I feel so trapped and powerless? When I come home from work, instead of feeling energized, I am exhausted. My house is a mess, but whenever I try to clean it, I just feel defeated - even when I make headway.

We just returned from an incredible vacation. We were able to make some very special memories with the boys and come home without going any further into debt. In fact, we even made financial headway in recent weeks when so many others are struggling. So why do I feel so defeated?

I honestly think it's because I am being held captive by stress. I don't mean to be stressed. I am not trying to be stressed. But, deep in the recesses of my mind, it's always there. What will happen if/when I go into Blackhawk this week? How much homework will Jaron bring home that needs to be done which should have been done in class? Will I end up in another stand-off with Michael and/or Ryan over something basic? Is my exhaustion more than stress? What if there is a medical issue behind it? What if someone stops by my house unexpectedly? For that matter, what if someone stops by announced? It really doesn't matter because it never feels clean enough.

Ron's answer was to release the weight to God because I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. (Okay...maybe it didn't originate with Ron, but you know what I mean.) But, what does that look like for me? If I don't know that the stress is sneaking in and stealing my joy and energy, how can I stop it? I wish I knew.

So, while my Easter this year didn't involve searching for eggs (colored or plastic), it did send me on a search. And while I am sure Ron's message reached many of the gazillion people who attended Pathway on Sunday, he can be assured that it reached one. One who is now on a search to find out how to release things that she didn't even realize were holding her so tightly.

But...according to Ron...and scripture...I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Right?

Have you ever had one of those days? Maybe several of those days in a row? I have...recently...very recently...very, very recently...you get the picture.

Last weekend I bought a new purse. A really small purse that I would be using on our vacation. I had taken just a few things out of my normal purse - some money, my debit cards, some scrip and my driver's license. I thought as the week progressed I would figure out things that I hadn't thought of...Advil...insurance cards...etc. My key chain wouldn't fit but I knew that it would once I "vacationized" it.

On Thursday, I went out to lunch with some friends from work. I didn't drive, but I didn't want to leave my keys on my desk, so instead of dropping them in the drawer, I took them with me...and left them on the table at Bandidos. Unfortunately, I didn't know it until 5 minutes after I should have left work to go pick up my kids for a very busy evening. Thank heaven's for Becky who graciously volunteered to drop everything and take me to get them.

Once I finally got my keys back, I shuffled kids here and there so that I could get to Ryan's basketball pool play in Rockford, Ohio (a little over an hour away). After three games of basketball (only two of which BCS played), we loaded up and came home. It wasn't until Friday morning that I realized that I did not have my purse. I called the school in Rockford only to find out that they didn't have my purse either. Not a good sign...

So, I put my debit cards on hold, grabbed my birth certificate and social security card and headed off to the BMV. My license was up for renewal in May, so I asked if I could just renew it. Not a problem...but I needed two types of ID since I didn't have my license to turn in. One could be my birth certificate but the other needed to be a credit card or something with my address on it. They suggested my vehicle registration. Great plan. Off to my car I go. After digging through my glove box I came up with two - one that expired in 2007 and one that expired in 2008. Not exactly helpful, but I did find the remainder of my wallet which did have a credit card. I went back into the BMV and prayed that I wouldn't get the same woman who would want to know why it was that I didn't have a valid registration in my car. (Just for the record, in case I lose you part way through this post, my car is legally registered. I just couldn't find the actual proof.) Driver's license renewed. I could now write a check and drive legally - well almost. Things are definitely turning around, right?

I had decided that since I was having such a horrid day, I would treat myself to the Vera Bradley mini-hipster that I almost bought at the outlet sale in December, but decided against. I knew I would be paying full price, but hey, I was having a bad day. (retail therapy) I had the money (No Debt), and I needed a purse for vacation (right?), so off I went to Rustic Hutch - which didn't open for a half hour. I decided to use the time to go home and look for my valid registration.

Got home - searched the desk - no registration. I was supposed to meet Jay at a restaurant near one of the schools that we were going to tour as a possible option for Jaron next year, so I thought I would just hit the Rustic Hutch in Georgetown on my way. Halfway there, I remembered that the Rustic Hutch in Georgetown is no more, so I turned around and headed back the opposite direction. I did find the mini-hipster, and I found a pattern that I normally wouldn't have even considered, but it made me smile, so I paid the exorbitant amount of money and bought the world's cutest purse. :) 10% of the proceeds went to the Vera Bradley Foundation for Breast Cancer, so I am considering it a charitable donation - Definite silver lining :) The funny part was, when the girl went to put it in the bag, the bag wouldn't open. In fact, I have no idea how it happened, but it was a complete bag with no opening at the top. Par for the course for my day.

The lunch and tour went smoothly. In the few minutes between lunch and our meeting, Jay searched through my glove box and guess what he found - my valid registration that expires in 2009. I thought I had looked at every piece of paper in that glove box at least twice. I had even shaken out the maps. Who would have thought to look for the registration in the first aid box? Silver lining.

I spent the rest of the afternoon shopping - ultimately buying a pair of shoes that color coordinated with my new purse. Very girly. :) (Very silver lining.)

On my way home from the mall, my low fuel light came on, and as I was talking with Jay, he asked if I had my Speedway scrip. That's when I realized that I had the gas scrip in my missing purse. Very sad. A few minutes later, Jay commented that he didn't know that I had two Walgreens cards. This may not seem like a big deal except that my Walgreens cards were also in my missing purse. Apparently, my missing purse was found in plain sight in the floor of my bedroom. Both Michael and I had looked in my room SEVERAL times. Now I have my missing purse - and my new purse - silver lining. :)

Bear with me for just a moment more. Fast forward to tonight. I decided to make a quick trip to Walmart to pick up a few odds and ends for our upcoming trip. After an an hour and a half to two hours as I am checking out with my stash. I used the $6.00 from my Walmart scrip (which had been in my missing purse but was now in my cute girly one) and intended to purchase the rest. I swiped my debit card - and it was declined. I tried to use it as a credit card (which it has the capability of doing) - and it was declined. Finally, I told them they would have to keep the groceries because I wasn't going to charge them when I knew there was money in the account. I figured that since the error seemed to be in the bank system that my check might not clear either. They returned the $6.00 that was on my Walmart card, and I was on my way - leaving a half-full cart of vacation goodies for them to restock. It wasn't until I was almost out the door that I realized why the bank declined my card. I TOLD THEM TO! I guess the silver lining here is that I still have the money that I was going to spend, but now I get the privilege of doing it all over again tomorrow. Hopefully this time I'll remember to just write the check!