WHITE HOUSE MOCKS FRANCE, GERMANY’S REFUSAL TO JOIN U.S.’ IRAQ AGGRESSION LIBERATION Extracted from the Dallas/Fort Worth Daily Express and Budgie Cage Liner Scott McClellan, the Bush Administration’s Press Secretary, today called attention again to the White House’s low opinion of the major countries which had refused to take part in the invasion of the Middle Eastern country. "You can see, now that we are turning the corner, as President Bush says, that they were at best misguided and at worst unpatriotic in not supporting their president in this nation’s need to quash any dictator whom his father was unsuccessful in suppressing." He further clarified that the present situation, as successful as it has clearly been, simply points out their cupidity in refusing to send their young men and women in to die as have so many Americans, not to say innocent iraqis. On the other hand, Republican Senators Richard G. Lugar (Ind.) and Chuck Hagel (Neb.), both members of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, "assailed the ‘dancing-in-the-street crowd’ within the administration for offering misleading predictions of progress on reconstruction." Senator Hagel said that the United States is "in a lot of trouble" in Iraq, adding that the administration has "got to be honest with our evaluation there." A reporter asked if Mr. McClellan

really thought the Germans and French, for instance, owed the United States a duty of patriotism, to which he answered that "if there were Republican Governors, like Jeb Bush, in power" there we would have had different answers from both. His apparent confusion was neither further explored nor explained. The Kerry campaign and the rest of the Democrats will doubtless try to make political capital by pointing out the negative side of $200 billion dollars spent, 1,000 young men and women dead, 6,000 wounded and uncounted permanently maimed and disfigured and over fifteen thousand innocent civilians killed with almost no records of the wounded. This is typical Democratic nay-saying and ignores the historical facts. Keep in mind how very, very passionate President Bush intends to be when he addresses the UN soon. He will make "a very passionate case about the need for democracy to take root in a very troubled part of the world", while, he admitted, ignoring that the trouble he referred to was mainly started in the exercise of reckless international relations by the United States under this administration, "It is the passion of his speech that counts," he said. Kerry Campaign Wisely Economizes WISDOM OF KERRY CAMPAIGN STRATEGY OF NOT SPENDING ALL ITS MONEY CELEBRATED BY DEMS Unexplained Frugality is Hailed as Insightful by Grateful Losers Extracted from the University of New Mexico Strait Talker

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SPATE OF TRAUMA VICTIMS LEAPING FROM AMBULANCES Officials Troubled: We Have No Explanation for this Bizarre Behavior Adapted from the Grunion Gazette

NOTE: If the news of the closing of Martin Luther King Hospital’s various functions as a result of too many patient deaths hasn’t reached you, know that Martin Luther King Hospital’s various functions are being closed right and left.

Another automobile accident occurred near the intersection of Crenshaw and 28th Sts. The accident was unfortunate, but not unusual. Fairly badly hurt, Hopkins Fenderbank of Los Angeles waited calmly for the ambulance which would take him to an emergency room and the help he needed, as he felt dizzy and disoriented, while he bled from his forehead. But once in the ambulance and while being transported, "he looked out the window and started straight up", said Emergency Medical Technician Hiram Knowles. "He asked me where we were, and I told him. Suddenly, he began looking around and pulled out the I.V.’s I had given him. He leaped to the door and opened it. Man, we were going over 45mph southbound on Inglewood Avenue. and were only about a half mile from Martin Luther King Hospital, where he could have gotten medical treatment." Knowles reports that Fenderbank looked back at him once and jumped to the pavement, rolling over several times and finally being run over by another vehicle which was following about 200 ft. behind. "I couldn’t believe it when he jumped up, limping a bit and began running, sort of staggering really, north. We turned around but never did locate him." Officials at local ambulance companies and the Los Angeles Fire Department have reported several such incidents recently, all in the neighborhood of north Inglewood. There doesn’t seem to be any factor in common among the various persons leaping from ambulances, except that they express extreme terror and appear unconcerned for their own safety. "One thing, this has certainly relieved the caseload on the trauma department at MLK," said Capt. Harvey Plance, head of EMT operations at LAFD. In fact, I can’t remember when we have ended up transporting anyone there recently." No official inquiry is planned at this time.

BUSH WHITE HOUSE RELEASES PRESIDENT’S MILITARY TRANSCRIPTS

Clearly Show that the President Collected all his Military Pay Extracted from the Kia Automobile Company Newsletter

The White House today, as promised, released military records regarding the period from May 1972 to May 1973. It was during this time that Democrats and other critics have alleged that Mr. Bush, then a pilot in the Texas National Guard, was either absent without leave (AWOL) or was otherwise not present when he was supposed to be, where he was supposed to be. The records, which are mostly-legible pay records, show without any possibility of contradiction that the erstwhile baseball team owner collected his military pay for every instant of the period in question. While Lt. Col Albert Lloyd, Jr. (Ret.) fell short of saying that Mr. Bush was actually there, he stated unequivocally that "[Mr. Bush] had satisfactory years". "Satisfactory years" appear to be satisfactory for any officer in the Texas National Guard whose father is chairman of the Republican National Committee, as well as a member of the President’s Cabinet, at the time.

As of this writing no actual attendance records have been located. Nor have the names of any members of his unit, his commanding officer, or any other information in Alabama, where he worked on a Republican political campaign during the period in question, come to light. Obviously, however, Mr. Bush was paid and, according to Col. Lloyd, "...ask those who made these outrageous accusations if they stand by them in the face of this documentation that demonstrates he served and fulfilled his duties.'' Democrats Cower Meantime, when asked for comment regarding the White House release of information, every Democrat in the House demurred, and when asked uniformly, if not word for word, replied, "You don’t want to piss off a president who was elected with that sort of mandate from the electorate, which elected him on a ration of five to four, and not to mention who has so much power in this Congress and forced every one of us to vote to attack Iraq."