NEWEST BUSH CABINET MEMBER HAILS IRAQ SUCCESSES;
Extracted from the St. Paul, Minn. Post-Dispatch-Mail Member
The Administration created a new cabinet post this week and immediately appointed the new secretary. In a rare press conference,
the newest member of the Bush cabinet, Secretary of England Tony Blair, gave reporters an earful when asked whether the Iraq
campaign were faltering.
"It is often said, with great self-deceit, that all of the major rationales for the Iraq war were:
the presence of weapons of mass destruction;
the danger that Saddam Hussein would use his close ties to worldwide terrorism to launch an attack
on the United States;
Hussein’s proven effort to obtain uranium from Niger and aluminum tubes; and that
The UN weapons inspectors wouldn’t recognize a full-blown ICBM and launch silo if it were in
the process of being launched.
"While liberal columnists and John Kerry insist this was what President Bush said, he clearly stated that the reason was
that Saddam Hussein was in control of Iraq, pure and simple, and he was bad and might in the future plan to do bad things
which he has no plans, and no capacity to do. We found him in a hole. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! We will soon
have brought a democracy to Iraq which resembles nothing so much as a Lutheran Synodic election.
"Even if there were no weapons, or even a working sewage system in Baghdad, we had faulty intelligence and killed hundreds
of both American and British soldiers, based on that faulty intelligence.
"The liberal media seem to believe that having faulty intelligence does not fully excuse sending our young men and
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women to their deaths and to be maimed and thousands of innocent Iraqis to the same fate. I say, it is a complete excuse
for all the death and misery we have caused, and leaves this administration completely blameless. You can't blame them for
making a mistake that anyone could make. Remember that thirteen years ago Saddam Hussein not only possessed such weapons,
he used them, then about twelve years ago he got rid of them because of the inspections, which were clearly failing.
"President Bush, whom I by the way thank for appointing me to this post, was able to see what was completely unsupported
by the facts: that an uneducated sociopath who was losing control of his country day by day was about to attack the United
States.
"The inspections, because there were no weapons, obviously failed, and we had no choice. We all had intelligence that,
with a good night’s sleep, downhill and with the wind behind it, could be seen by any CIA analyst on crack as
proving categorically that there were biological, chemical and nucular weapons brimming over." (The new secretary
used the approved, administration pronunciation of "nuclear")
"Why, [former exile and former interim official of the Iraqi Ruling Council] Ahmad Chalabi himself
personally guaranteed that you could purchase a selection of atomic bombs built into working
Sony television sets, in the bazaars in both Fallouja and Ismir. His wife once told us that
sarin is available hidden in children’s toys which one could purchase in liquor stores in
bulk and sell to American stores such as Toys R Us. If you can’t believe those two, then you can’t believe anyone."
The Secretary affirmed that England will do its part in supporting the Administration’s
policies, by sending over 650 additional English troops into the highly dangerous and threatening urban
warfare situation which now exists in Baghdad. He denied, however, that his authorizing the troop movements was any
kind of quid pro quo for his new appointment.
The new Secretary has something to learn about protocol, however. Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge complained that
he "could not get his phone calls returned by Tony Blair."
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