Assordid Commentary

ADMINISTRATION HAILS PARTIAL ELECTIONS IN IRAQ

Extracted from The Iniquitous Prairie Declaimer

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld today discussed the prospects for "the free and fair elections which the Iraqi people so richly deserve, and which the Administration so deeply condones, as long as it’s after the U.S. elections." Although admitting that it was possible that some Iraqi provinces, estimating "perhaps one out of five persons," could not be ready for elections by the January, 2005, target date, he quoted Interim Prime Minister Allawi that "fifteen out of eighteen provinces are peaceable", and could very likely have peaceable elections, that is if the insurgents allow it. "It may very well be that not all provinces can participate in elections," he said, saying that perhaps twenty percent might be disenfranchised. He asked himself, since nobody else would, because everybody knows he asks himself questions he is prepared to answer, "Is that better than no election? You bet it is." A reporter asked, however, whether an 80% election isn’t in fact, "no election?" He said, "you have to remember that an election in which not all persons can participate meaningfully is not without precedent. We tested the idea, actually, in another election, held over three years ago in, um, er, in a different country." Estimates from the CIA have indicated recently that the areas in which free and fair elections could be held, in view of the scant 25% of UN officials who have actually come into the country, is much less than the 80% or less implied by Secretary Rumsfeld. Actually, in view of the fact that Americans who venture from their housing without an accompanying formation of infantry and APC’s  have become quite rare in the past two months, the actual area accessible to those few

UN personnel may be severely limited. "We are very up on the security of elections in the Green Zone," said a highly-placed Pentagon official, combing his hair with his spit. "Several of the workers there are of Iraqi extraction, who could easily put down their pots and pans and brooms and go vote, if we can manage to staff an election precinct safely. And this is to say nothing of the several reporters who may well be Iraqi and former Chalabi cronies who still reside there. Certainly, the Green Zone could be an example for the rest of Iraq. "Indeed, we expect them to dance in the streets at the notion of fair elections that are free and fair at the same time," and this dancing will start any time now, he said, expressing puzzlement that it had not already started some time ago. Reporters who are embedded in Iraq now have been more or less confined to their quarters for more than sixty days. Reporting, though as robust as before because it beats sitting around the Des Moines Register newsroom, has been restricted to pieces on visiting dignitaries (if they make it to the Green Zone) and incoming mortar rounds. It is likely those reporters who are accused by the Administration of "misleading the American People" into believing that the war is going badly.