The Kerry Campaign was revealed in the Washington Post as well as the New York Times this week as having arrived at its ignominious and disappointing end with about Forty-five Million Dollars still in its war chest. The hefty sum has been the subject of much curiosity in many Democratic circles, and resulted eventually in Kerry assigning most of the funds to the Democratic National Committee.

"The Forty-Plus Million were possibly needed in case there was countrywide litigation, even in the committed red and blue States, following the election," explained an aide to Mary Beth Cahill, the undoubtedly skillful director of the Kerry campaign, "we felt that, in case the race was a close one, we should have lots and lots and lots of millions of dollars in hand to pay for all the lawyers and all the chad-counters and such like that."

Rumors have persisted, however, that not spending the funds was what kept the election from becoming a close one, and "as long as you’re not going to spend the money on campaigning, you’re pretty much guaranteeing that the election won’t be a close one, aren’t you? And so how are you going to need the money for litigation?" complained a leading Democratic Senator from California when she learned of the surplus.

"It’s like not spending money on food so when the time comes to go to a fat farm to lose all the weight you might gain, you’ll have plenty of money to pay for it. Who the hell thought of this plan, anyway?

"I suppose you think that would be a bad idea?" retorted Ms. Cahill.

"If that is your plan, why not just give up on the presidency and spend the money to take back the Congress by supporting the many losing Senate seats or the even more losing House seats?" The Senator queried, off the record. When informed that the strategy was the brainchild of Ms. Cahill, the Senator suddenly coughed and said, "of course, we can’t know how the ins and outs of a political campaign will affect things, and they doubtless made the right decisions and wouldn’t make any mistakes and, and . . . "