President Bush to Seek Third Term!

Onlookers horrified.

August 5, 2008

Following the apparent victory by Barack Obama in the Democratic primary in June of this year, President George W. Bush "threw his hat into the ring" for reelection to his present office. His action was greeted by an incredulous and shocked outcry by political and legal commentators from all across the spectrum. The American Bar Association published an unusual special edition of its monthly, the ABA Journal, devoting the entire thirty-four pages to scathing, bitter and even obscene criticism of the President and his decision.

Constitutional lawyer Irving Chemerinsky, when informed of the President’s intention, stared at the wall of the room, unresponsive. He has not moved since, and remains now in a long-term care facility. Walter Berns, of the American Enterprise Institute, stated in a letter to the Wall Street Journal, "Usually this institution slavishly greets anything that William Kristol, Dick Cheney or Karl Rove wants, supportively, even with warmth. Still, we have our limits."

And the Wall Street Journal, unusually, opposed the administration, editorializing in an unheard-of one-page edition simply, yet cryptically, "What rough beast, its hour come round at last, slouches toward Washington to be born?" The paper shut its doors without notice the same day, the entire staff moving to Canada. Canadian border officials issued a statement that the reporters, printers, columnists, deliverymen, janitors and staffers appear to have crossed in deeply forested, uninhabited regions, at night and in groups of two and three, all of them disguised as Canadians through the pretext of carrying variously six-packs of Molson Gold, ice skates or bags of smoked- meat sandwiches.

Unnamed administration sources stated that a great outcry by the Democratic Party and Republican apparent annointee John M^cCain (and his running-mate, Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin) was expected and anticipated. "It’s no big deal. We knew that the left-wing crazies and their lackeys, the independent voters, would scream to high heaven about this. Justice Roberts will take care of them," said an unnamed source in the White House.

And indeed a lawsuit for an injunction was filed in the courtroom of U.S. District Judge Colleen Kollar-Kotelly by Democratic leaders¹ and joined in by Republican candidates and assorted politicos².

Notably joining in the lawsuit were the ACLU, the U.S. Army, the Congress of the United States, the State Department, France, Britain, The Republic of Congo, Nouri al-Maliki, the New York Knicks, Britney Spears and the entire population of New Orleans, La. Also filing were members of the casts of CSI and The Young and the Restless.

Judge Kollar-Kelley found in favor of the plaintiffs virtually on the same day as it was filed, whereupon the President filed an emergency appeal to the First Circuit Court of Appeals. That court refused to review the case, in a written opinion remarkable in its curtness: "the President HAS to be kidding." He then appealed to the U.S. Supreme Court.

The Supreme Court in fact terminated oral argument before it had begun and, following an unusually short two minutes of deliberation today, conducted while still on the bench, ignored the abundant legal and factual opposition to his bid for reelection. Justice Antonin Scalia, writing for the Court, read the following opinion, which appeared to have been prepared before argument:

It is not for us to second-guess the clear intention of the Founders to allow limitless presidential terms. These nettlesome and unconstitutional "Amendments" ought in the first instance to be rejected by this Court, and likely will be in future cases. One by one. Pow! Goes the First Amendment! Pow! Goes the Second Amendment! Pow! Pow! Pow!,

as he simulated firing a pistol with his hand.

Even accepting, arguendo, that the stupid Twenty-Second Amendment is valid, it specifically says:

No person shall be elected to the office of the President more than twice...

Clearly a president may serve for as long as he wishes, as long as he is not elected three times. Therefore:

1. President Bush was certainly elected in 2004, as far as anyone can prove. However, he was never elected in 2000. He, in fact, lost that election, with no majority either in the general election or the electoral college, as it turns out. Can’t hang THAT one on him!

2. He was appointed by this Court without election, in a real legal boner on our part. We didn’t have jurisdiction, it was a state issue, the relevant state court had exercised its jurisdiction properly and we should not have even taken the case. Al Gore won the election, it turns out, and I’ll bet HIS face is red right now.

3. President Bush has, therefore, only been elected once.

4. The Twenty-Second Amendment says nothing whatever about serving, being sworn in, nor any of those nuisances.

5. Robby and I decided that President Bush may now stand for reelection a second time, as his first election was in 2004 and he has not won any other elections to the presidency.

6. For that matter, if we continue to appoint him ...

7. Finally, it is obvious that thus the Twenty-Second Amendment to the Constitution of the United States is itself constitutionally infirm, anyway, so it appears that we may as well rule in favor of the President of the United States. The judgment below is overruled. The President may run for reelection, as is every man’s right.

He then stood and began turning out the lights of the courtroom, saying as he did, "everybody leave now."

¹Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, Al Gore, John Edwards, Joe Biden, Wesley Clark, Mike Gravel, Bill Richardson, Christopher Dodd, Dennis Kucinich, Al Sharpton, Tom Vilsack, John Kerry, Evan Bayh, Russ Feingold, Ted Kennedy, Jim Webb and Tom Daschle

²US Senator Sam Brownback (R-Kansas), Former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani (R-New York), Former Governor Mike Huckabee (R-Arkansas), Congressman Duncan Hunter (R-California), Former Ambassador Alan Keyes (R-Maryland), US Senator John McCain (R-Arizona), Congressman Ron Paul (R-Texas), Former Governor Mitt Romney (R-Massachusetts), Congressman Tom Tancredo (R-Colorado), Former Tennessee US Senator Fred Thompson (R-Virginia), Virginia Algar (R-Florida), Saint Michael Jesus Archangel (R-Michigan), George Bailey Jr. (R-New Mexico), Edward Buck (R-Utah), Allen Bunch (R-Georgia), Hugh Cort III (R-Alabama), John Cox (R-Illinois), Susan Ducey (R-Kansas), Dan Gilbert (R-North Carolina), Ray F. Green (R-Massachusetts), Robert "Bob" Haines (R-New Hampshire), Curtis Hayward (R-Texas), Millie Howard (R-Ohio), Jerry R. Johnson (R-Virginia), Walter D. "Donnie" Kennedy (R-Georgia), Mark Klein (R-California), William Koenig (R-Virginia), Philip A. "John" Kok (R-California), Elvena E. Lloyd-Duffie (R-Texas), Ray McKinney (R-Georgia), Jim Mitchell (R-Illinois), Fred Ogin (R-Oregon), William "Doc" Raven (R-Oregon), Marshall Sanders (R-California), Jack Shepard (R-Italy/Minnesota), Michael Charles Smith (R-Oregon), Richard Michael Smith (R-Texas), Keith Sprankle (R-Washington), Corrogan Vaughn (R-Maryland), Virgil Wiles (R-Missouri) and Vern Wuensche (R-Texas).