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| Artist's Conception of Scene from "Secret Al Qaeda" |
In a move reflecting the size of its financial advantage over the Democratic National Committee (DNC), the Republican National
Committee (RNC) announced today in a press conference that it intends to use its excess capital to finance the remaking of
the iconic Fifties film, The Manchurian Candidate.
RNC Chairman Mike Duncan in his introductory remarks stated that the production would be finished "in about three
weeks. We feel that the time is ripe for a remake of this classic, which will have the working title of either The Mullah
Candidate or Secret Al Qaeda. And we want to be finished well before November 4, which is a very, very important date for
the entertainment industry."
Industry reporters expressed skepticism at the time allotted to the production phase. "The time frame seems a little
ambitious," an entertainment industry source told Assordid Commentary. "Nobody has ever shot and distributed a movie
in three weeks! How can you possibly put out a full-length movie in three weeks!" asked Variety's Mia Sulpor. "There
are significant costs associated with feature-length productions, like actors, a director, locations, licensing and crew.
These increase enormously with the shorter time you have to do it in."
"We have eight times as much money as the Democratic National Committee (DNC) right now," answered Duncan. We
can shoot on a 24-hour schedule, and we don't need writers. We got some interns to go through the old script and just crossed
out "Red Chinese" wherever they found it and wrote in "Islamic Terrorist" or sometimes "Indonesian
Madrassa". "Korean War" turned into "9/11," he said, chuckling.
"We will skip editing and postproduction entirely. It will be shot in the order of scenes so we don't have to mess
with all that. We will hire Bob Jones University students as actors for scenes as we go along. We are extremely lucky that
Don Rumsfeld isn't very busy right now and has consented to direct.
"We feel that the country, in its present mood, is desperately in need of some diversion of an innocent and absolutely
nonpolitical nature, what with the election looming, and the RNC stands ready to provide them with a hit movie which is entertaining
and, at the same time, informative."
Tom Ricks of the Washington Post (Fiasco, the American Military Adventure in Iraq) asked Duncan "Isn"t the party
concerned that this will be seen as raising the worst fears of middle America in a desperate, racist, cynical, bigoted and,
not to say, pathetic attempt to wrest back an election they are clearly losing?"
Duncan's response reflected the RNC's need to steer clear of controversial approaches to the 2008 campaign: "No,
this has nothing to do with any elections. Our party has long felt that a little good-quality drama is just what is needed
to soothe the electorate-I-mean-the-American Public. And we resent deeply any suggestion that the RNC is bigoted against any
bloody-handed Muslims. We welcome all peoples into our big tent, whether they worship God or some Johnny-come-lately called
Allah."
The McCain campaign spokesman, when informed of the RNC's announcement, offered no comment other than to give the plan
"two patriotic thumbs up". On hearing Chairman Duncan&'s words, DNC Chairman Howard Dean was unable to close
or move his mouth sufficiently to form words, descending into dry heaves. He was led away by concerned staffers.
©2008, Donald Cook
Assordid Commentary
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