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GET
YOUR BIKER NICKNAME HERE!
If you haven't yet got one follow the instructions
to find your new Biker name:
Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:
a = poopsie b = lumpy c = buttercup
d =
gadget e = crusty f = greasy
g = fluffy h = cheeseball i = chim-chim
j = stinky k = flunky l = boobie
m = pinky
n = zippy o = goober
p = doofus q = slimy r = loopy
s = snotty t = tootie u = dorkey
v = squeezit w = oprah x
= skipper
y = dinky z = zsa-zsa
Use the second letter of your last name to determine
the first half of your new last name:
a = apple b = toilet c = giggle
d = burger e = girdle f = barf
g
= lizard h = waffle i = cootie
j = monkey k = potty l = liver
m = banana n = rhino o = bubble
p = hamster q =
toad r = gizzard
s = pizza t = gerbil u = chicken
v = pickle w = chuckle x = tofu
y = gorilla z = stinker
Use
the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:
a = head b = mouth c = face
d = nose e = tush f = breath
g = pants h = shorts i = lips
j = honker k = butt l = brain
m = tushie n = chunks
o = hiney
p = biscuits q = toes r = buns
s = fanny t = sniffer u = sprinkles
v = kisser w = squirt x = humperdinck
y = brains z = juice
TINA
HART = ZIPPY TOILETSNIFFER
ELYSIA
TURNBULL= DINKY CHICKENCHUNKS
NOW
IT'S YOUR TURN
THE TEN BEST
TOOLS OF ALL TIME
There are 10 things in the world you need to fix your car or motorcycle, any place, any time. Forget the Snap-on
Tools truck, it's never there when you need it. Besides, there are only 10 things on the planet you need to fix any car or
motorcycle:
1. Duct Tape: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in stickum and plastic. It's safety wire,
body material, radiator hose, upholstery, insulation, towrope, and more in one easy-to-carry package. Sure, there's a prejudice
surrounding duct tape in concourse competitions, but in the real world everything from Le Mans - winning Porsches to Atlas
rockets uses it by the yard. The only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter and a phone booth.
2. Vice-Grips: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire twister, round off bolt heads,
breaker-off of frozen bolts, and wiggle-it-till-it-falls off tool. The heavy artillery of your toolbox, Vice Grips are the
only tool designed expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to
transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
3. Spray Lubricants: A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors, alternators, and other squeaky
items. Slicker than pig phlegm. Repeated soakings of WD-40 will allow the main hull bolts of the Andrea Dora to be removed
by hand. Strangely enough, an integral part of these sprays is the infamous little red tube that flies out of the nozzle if
you look at it cross-eyed, one of the ten worst tools of all time.
4. Margarine Tubs With Clear Lids: If you spend all your time under the bike looking for a frendle pin
that caromed off the peedle valve when you knocked both off the seat, it's because you eat butter. Real mechanics consume
pounds of tasteless vegetable oil replicas, just so they can use the empty tubs for parts containers afterward. (Some, of
course, chuck the butter-colored goo altogether or use it to repack wheel bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator lips,
margarine tubs aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle Pins.
5. Big Rock At The Side Of The Road: Block up a tire. Smack corroded battery terminals. Pound out a dent.
Bop nosy know-it-all types on the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw banging power of granite
or limestone. This is the only tool with which a "made in India" emblem is not synonymous with the user's maiming.
6. Plastic Zip Ties: After twenty years of lashing down stray hoses and wired with old bread ties, some
genius brought a slightly slicked up version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can transform a hulking mass of amateur-quality
rewiring from a working model of the Brazilian rain forest into something remotely resembling a wiring harness. Of course,
it works both ways. When buying used bikes, subtract $ 100.00 for each zip tie under the tank.
7. Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver With Lifetime Guarantee: Let's admit it. There's nothing better
for prying, chiseling, lifting, breaking, splitting, or mutilating than a huge flat-bladed screwdriver, particularly when
wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This is also the tool of choice for oil filters so insanely located they can only be
removed by driving a stake in one side and out the other. If you break the screwdriver - and you will, just like Dad or your
shop teacher said - who cares? It's guaranteed.
8. Baling Wire: Commonly known as BSA muffler brackets, baling wire holds anything that's too hot for
tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's not recommended for concourse contenders since it works so well you'll never replace it
with the right thing again. Baling wire is a sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with BSA, Triumph, and other
single and vertical twins set.
9. Bonking Stick: - This monstrous tuning fork with devilishly pointy ends is technically known as a
tie-rod- end separator, but how often do you separate tie-ends? Once every decade, if you're lucky. Other than medieval combat,
its real use is the all purpose application of undue force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature doesn't
know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be used to separate
tie-rod ends in a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it).
10.A Quarter and a Phone Booth: See #1 above.
Biker Bunny
One day in the great forest,
a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal
in all his life. By chance, today, a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The
frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have
seen, I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first."
The bear thought for a
minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to
be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The
bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next
forest were female as well."
The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it
and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.
For the last wish the bear thought for a while and
then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear
was gay."
Biker Saves A Life
Two bikers walk into a roadhouse to wash the road dust
from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking a beer and talking about the new model Harleys.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it
becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the bikers looks at her and says, "kin
ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head, no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.
The biker walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs
his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent
spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the biker walks slowly back to the
bar and takes a drink from his beer.
His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind
Lick Maneuver, but 'til today, I ain't never seen nobody do it."
A BIKER WITH MANY NAMES
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.
So he
asks the biker his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and write him out a warning instead
of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but
lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred,
how did you lose your last name?"
The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me."
"I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all
the time.
So I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college,
medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD."
"After a while I
got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school,
got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS." "Got bored! doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with
my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD."
Well, the ADA found out about the
VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because
of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so
now I am Just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing
The
Chicken & The Horse
On the
farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into
a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken
ran, back to the farm.
Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone
to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition,
the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse
was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope
the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly
forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back
to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented:
best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks
later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse
thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his dick and
he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The
moral of the story?
When
you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks.
The Peacock
A biker rolls to a stop at a busy down town intersection.
As he sits there waiting for the light to change, a young man with multi-colored 10" spiked hair walks in front
of the biker.
The biker's gaze follows the lad until finally he stops and says to the biker: "What's the matter man,
ain't you never done anything crazy in your life"?
To which the biker responds ... "Yep, I was just thinking, I screwed a peacock about 20 years ago and I was
wondering if you might be my son."
The Lord & The Biker
A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all
ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so
I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete
and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me
to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said,
"Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she
gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make
a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes
or four on that bridge?"
Deep Thoughts for Those
Who Take Life Too Seriously
-
Save
the whales. Collect the whole set.
-
A
day without sunshine is like…night.
-
On
the other hand, you have different fingers.
-
Remember,
half the people you know are below average.
-
He
who laughs last thinks slowest.
-
Depression
is merely anger without enthusiasm.
-
Support
bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
-
A
clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
-
How
many of you believe in psycho kinesis?...Raise my hand.
-
OK...so
what's the speed of dark?
-
When
everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
-
Everyone
has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
-
How
much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
-
What
happens if you get scared half to death twice?
-
I
couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
-
Why
do psychics have to ask you for your name?
-
Inside
every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
-
Just
remember---if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
-
Light
travels faster than sound...That is why some
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
-
Life
isn't like a box of chocolates...it's more like a jar of jalapeno's.
-
What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow
Off the Wall!
-
I'm lost, I've gone to find myself, if I
should return before I get back please ask me to wait!
-
If I had known that I was going
to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself...
-
Everything
I need to know about life I got from killing smart people and eating their brains
-
Never play leapfrog with
a unicorn!
-
Tastes change with age,,, like I never
cared much for spankings as a child
-
I'm more obsessed with breasts and thighs
than Colenel Sanders ever was
-
What
do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan
-
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie,
but a guy can do it alone
-
What is the difference
between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag
-
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough
Boy bends over? Doughnuts
-
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's
no big deal unless you're not getting any
-
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden
retriever
-
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities
-
What's the difference between a girlfriend
and wife? 45 lbs
-
What's the difference between a boyfriend
and husband? 45 minutes
-
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They
can't stand criticism
-
Why is it so hard for women to find men
that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already
have boyfriends
-
What's the difference between a new husband
and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
-
What makes men chase women they have no
intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving
-
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have
sex? Because they have cotton balls
-
What's the difference between a porcupine
and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside
-
What did the blonde say when she found out
she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"
-
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace
will do that to you
-
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West
Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA
-
Why do men find it difficult
to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes
-
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He
walks around saying "Yo"
-
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck
schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it
-
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A
different bar
-
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that
had a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
-
What would you call it when an Italian has
one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment
-
What does it mean when the flag at the Post
Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring
-
What's the difference between a southern
zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "A recipe"
-
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old
lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
-
What's the difference between a northern
fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all
ain't gonna believe this shit..."
-
Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
-
Sorry I'm late but screwing off takes time!
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