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DEAR CRABBY

February 2014

 

Dear Crabby,

My BFF is a true believer in the paranormal.  I love her to death and she's generally really smart and levelheaded but; I'm just not convinced it's real. She's convinced me to go with her on an overnight ghost hunt at an abandoned prison or what used to be a prison.  Do you believe in ghosts and how much proof should I be asking for before I entertain the idea of the paranormal?

Sincerely,

Spooked

 

Dear Spooky,

Asking whether I believe and how much proof you need to believe marks you as a sheeple so, just get it over with and give in now.  Who cares what I believe.  I believe you people are idiots but; that doesn't stop you from writing in and asking my opinion.  What will it take to convince you that the paranormal is real?  That's how much proof you should ask for, brainchild.  I can't believe your friend is all that bright either given that she spends her time on you.

          Crabby

 

 

Dear Crabby,

          I was looking at the immense 400 Million dollar Powerball jackpot and thinking to myself all the things I might want to buy and in what order.  As a fellow nerd if you won the lottery what would you buy first Crabby?

Curious

 

Dear George,

The Death Star.

Crabby

DEAR CRABBY

January 2014

Dear Crabby,

I recently heard some folks talking about a prehistoric form of man who they said ate a steady diet of tiger nuts- the Nutcracker Man. The conversation was rather raucous and raunchy. I sincerely doubt that this link in the evolutionary chain that they said was like a baboon would have survived having either the relations they suggested or even any luck hunting them long enough to evolve let alone to make it a regular diet. I've never heard of a tiger nut other than the obvious which I've already discounted as impossible. Can you shed some light on this mystery for me?

Sincerely,

Interested, Confused, and Unsure

 

Dear ICU,

Okay, so you're not a complete idiot. You've come to the rational conclusion that this find didn't have anything to do with a prehistoric fur fetishist or the consumption of what I'm sure is one of the favorite parts any male tiger is not eager to part with or to play reindeer games with a bald baboon. I do wonder that you didn't bother with a simple internet search since your email to me shows you have internet access. This leads me to believe you have your own abnormal fascinations...and I must tell you up front that I am either much too old or much too young for you given the content of your question. The tiger nuts they were referring to are actually the bulb portion of a type of edible grass that they believe the prehistoric human foraged for extensively as their mainstay. I've included a link to a nice article in the Times and in the meantime find a better class of people to eavesdrop on you perv.

Astonished you can write,

Crabby 

 http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/14/science/nutcracker-mans-secret-he-didnt-crack-nuts.html

Dear Crabby,

The recent turn of the New Year has me wondering what your New Year's resolution might have been?

Sincerely,

Curious

 

Dear George,

To eat more nuts. Really what is it with you creepers that you're so interested in me personally? Are you all a bunch of Masochists? Go away.

Disgustedly Yours,

Crabby

DEAR CRABBY
November 2013
 
 
Dear Crabby,
     All things comics, fantasy and science fiction (yes, even the vampires) dominate the media these days. Video games that were once scorned are a billion dollar industry. Disney and Marvel under the same roof (kind of like cats and dogs living together - only with more mice). I've seen various places talk about "geek chic" and other things that amount to a very similar question. I'd really like your opinion on this - did we win?
     Undecided
 
Dear Undies,
     You define win and I’ll answer your question.  Does winning mean that sci-fi and fantasy are available in endless flavors to be consumed by the mainstream?  Then yes we won.  Personally, I think that really just has more to do with the amount of money business realized that they could make from it, but there it is.  Does winning mean that you can have a taste for comics or video games or whatever and not be ostracized for it?  Then yes we won.  Does winning mean that ⅔ of America no longer equates your desire to play a game called Dungeons and Dragons with Satanic worship?  Yep, we won. 
     Now tell me if it’s still a win if the sci-fi and fantasy available is so diluted as to be a regular television soap opera with fangs or claws or whatever.  Days of our Ghouls for someone who wants to claim more intelligence that the viewers of Survivor.  Is it still a win if the people who came up being ostracized and still played D&D, bought every comic they could get their hands on, scoured the book stores for anything they hadn’t already read in that tiny section that used to exist in the corner of the bookstore growing up, and played video games till their initials covered top score list now stand side by side with folks who think that the artwork for Batman is cool but, don’t know a thing about the Scarecrow’s background, and the folks who like all the new shiny superhero movies even though they never jumped off the roof of anything with a homemade cape to try and be one as a kid, and the self proclaimed “geek” who wears a Dr. Who shirt yet has no idea who Tom Baker is?  Is the geek chic extended to the folks who still don’t have much in the way of social skills or is it the same old same old with an Iron Man reference thrown in?  Is it only cool to be a geek if you’re the right kind of geek outside of the hardcore fans for whom it is a part of their very being? 
     I guess that to my mind the answer lies with the middle of the road long term geeks.  Do we suddenly shun our compatriots who can name every Asimov book published but, can’t converse about the more mundane aspects of life easily?  Do we embrace all the folks who so proudly claim the title geek now and instead of drowning them in the depths of our knowledge try to lead them gently out of their shallow understanding into a deeper geekdom?  Because when all is said and done what the majority of people who suddenly find it okay to enjoy what was once a social taboo sure to lead to being shunned doesn’t mean a thing compared to the folks who are going to love the various incarnations of geek culture down in their souls even if the fickle winds of fashion wash away all the shiny new recognition again tomorrow. 
     My answer is it’s a win if you make it one and if you’re a loser it’s your own fault.

DEAR CRABBY

 

Dear Crabby,

 

            The US military is finally taking the next step and working on getting Iron Man armor for our troops. How cool is that?!?  I can't wait to see them flying around and shooting repulsor rays out of their palms!!!  It's going to be so freaking awesome!!!  When do you think that the tech will trickle down to private citizens as collectors?

 

            Excited and ecstatic Iron Fan

 

 

 Dear Iron Idiot,

 

            Try to get this through that armor you call a skull and into your brain pan...the military is not talking about building any of the actual Iron Man suits.  They are talking about a combination of tech that offers more protection, more sensors, and devices to raise the strength of our soldiers while they are wearing them giving them greater advantage and protection.  Even if they were to eventually develop something similar to what you've seen in the comic books, cartoons, and movies they are not going to look for the likes of it to fall into the hands of the general public exactly because of people like you.  You, sir...are a moron.  Please, stop using up the rest of the populaces resources like oxygen.

            You've left me deeply disturbed knowing you exist.

 

            Crabby

DEAR CRABBY
September 2013
 
Dear Crabby,
        What is your take on the current reminders of the sexist and inequitable atmosphere in the fantasy and science fiction world?
In the last several months we’ve had two large name writers put a cheesecake photo on the cover of a professional writers newsletter and then write a belittling response to the female authors who called them out on it.
        We’ve had an insight into the experience of a female cosplayer at one of our well established conventions where she not only did not feel safe and was ogled, but was harassed by male and female con goers alike.  With the women either discussing her outfit as though it was inappropriate or blatantly her that her skirt was too short despite the opaque tights under it and the fact that it was spot on for a classic Star Trek uniform.
        Now we have DC comics jumping in on the act.  Not only have they driven off the co-authors of Batwoman with their stupid antics trying to say that the reason they canned yet another story facet at the last minute and once again cut the legs out from under the writers doing their best work is because they don’t believe heroes should have personal relationships they’ve also once again stepped over the boundaries of good taste and objectified women at the same time supposedly to find new talent.  What a load of crap!
        First the Batwoman marriage stupidity…lets be perfectly clear that heroes’ not having personal lives is absurd.  Everyday real people put their lives on the line and live the job while having a family they love and care about.  We have soldiers who spend huge amounts of time…sometimes years away from their families to serve their country.  We have firefighters, police, emts, etc. who walk into dangerous situations all the time risking their lives and safety daily while still having spouses and family.  Duty and family are not mutually exclusive and really if people didn’t care about other people they wouldn’t keep doing the whole hero thing again and again and again.
        Lastly, the so called search for a new talented artist to join the DC family…apparently they must be not only misogynistic, but willing to draw anything for a buck no matter how distasteful.  This contest calls for 4 panels showing long time character Harley Quinn attempting to blithely commit suicide with the final panel showing her not only trying to electrocute herself, but nude.  Why?  Why in the world do you want to kill off a staple character?  Why would you glorify suicide?  Why does it have to be a nude woman?  Why is it always women in provocative outfits, lack thereof, or situations? Why isn’t the Joker or Two Face or someone male ever naked or half naked and trussed up like cheesecake?
        Obviously the mindset still sees women as second class citizens there to further male interests, be eye candy and masturbatory material, or if we’re really lucky a niche market to bring in a few more bucks.  It sickens me.  Why is this still acceptable in a portion of society that in many ways tends towards more open mindedness and intelligence???
        Fit To Be Tied
 
Dear Fitty,
        God, you aren’t going to start crying or anything are you?  Do you need chocolate or Midol or something?  What’s that saying you kids use now?  Pull up your big girl panties and deal with it?  Girl power and all that crap.  Look if you don’t like it fight it, but it’s got to be more than one or two people otherwise you might as well just suck it up.  Hit people in the wallet if you can and you’ll get their attention.
        Now in the meantime get in the kitchen and make me some pie…and take those shoes off.
        Crabby

PS - Get me a beer while you're in there, babe.

DEAR CRABBY

Dear Crabby,

I am so excited! There has been talk floating around that two of the biggest electronic companies are racing to produce wearable tech like a watch/smartphone. There was even mention of glasses for similar means. One of the companies is looking to unveil their product just before the IFA consumer electronics show held in Berlin this year! The thought of being able to use these kind of gadgets stirs up childhood dreams formed while reading things like Dick Tracy and watching Star Trek. Soon we may be living in a world shaped by ideas presented in speculative fiction like The Metrix rather than the bland boring world we have now. Isn’t this wonderful?

Terrifically Tech Tripping

Dear Trippy,

Let me tell you what I see. I see a bunch of morons who have no social skills looking and listening to their watch rather than watching where they’re going or talking to the people they encounter daily. Tech is great. Don’t get me wrong. It’s human beings that seem to be the main problem just like always. We are already raising a generation of kids who don’t know how to hold a conversation without a keypad and garbling the language. Adding to the many ways we already separate ourselves from the world at our feet sounds like yet more chances for us to screw up what could be potentially fantastic advances. Pardon me while I rein in my overwhelming joy...although, I do find the idea of less people actually talking to me very appealing.

Crabbily yours,

Crabby

DEAR CRABBY

Dear Crabby,

          With the recent revelation that Matt Smith is leaving the Dr. Who series I was wondering what you thought of the speculation that the next actor to fill the role may be of either another gender or race from the traditional Caucasian male? Do you feel that a move like that would be an improvement or a detriment to the show and do you think it's possible to reconcile differences like these while holding true to the characteristics already established for the character over the years.

          Sincerely,

          Who is Who?

 

Dear Whooey,

          That was actually a coherent and well thought out question.  Who are you and what have you done with my average mouth breathing reader?  Let us look at this logically.  First the doctor is a fictional extraterrestrial, which leaves us with a lot of wiggle room. Notice the ability to morph to a new body to begin with and how that bends the rules from the start.  Then we can move on to the fact that this part is likely to be played by a very good actor who should be able to make us believe a long list of things about said character just on the strength of their acting abilities.  Let us move on to the two possible differences you brought up and examine them each in the light of the first two points.  Race need not create any more or less issues than it might here in the real world and possibly a good deal less with beings not of this world.  If those things do come up then it's one more chance to see how a brilliant Time Lord deals with them.  In that regard I would consider gender the same.  If you want to take on the more crude aspects I suppose you could believe that the doctor could be thrown off by or distracted by a change in bits.  Sexuality is really optional, as the doctor doesn't generally seem to be openly involved in sexual pursuits.  Then again it's never been said that the doctor is strictly a straight male and a kiss from Captain Jack may have peaked his curiosity or if a woman is chosen who's to say she may not be portrayed as a lesbian?  It would certainly give the doctor a different view on things and since Matt Smith's doctor pointed out that a new body means new tastes the possibilities are limitless and varied.

          Personally, I am quite intrigued to see the next incarnation of the doctor.

          Crabby

DEAR CRABBY
 
Dear Crabby,
 
I'm a huge Iron Man fan and I couldn't wait to see Iron Man III, but I was soooo disappointed!  The special effects were still neat and all, but why wasn't Mandarin anything like in the comics?!?  They totally ruined one of the best bad guys ever! There wasn't even a hint of Mei Ling!  Not to mention how cool would an alien dragon have been?  They also missed a golden opportunity to have the ever hot Lucy Liu in the film.  Why do you think someone who professed to be a huge Iron Man fan would do such an unconscionable thing?
 
Tony Stark
 
 
Dear Stark Raving Mad,
 
Why isn't space ice cream like regular ice cream?  Because it doesn't work in space.  Well, often story lines from one format...say comic books...don't work as another format...like say film, dunderhead.  How exactly would you fathom they would manage to fit a huge ranging story arc like The Mandarin into one movie, genius?  They couldn't and have done it any real justice and given the short attention span of most of today's drooling populace it's not like they could drag it out over more than one movie.  You mouth breathers need something shiny and new each time or you are lost. The only sensible thing you said in your whole whiny rant is that Lucy Liu is hot.  So, please stop talking and go back to your comics before you lower the total IQ of whatever town you live in.
 
You're an idiot,
Crabby

DEAR CRABBY

Dear Crabby,

how do I explain to my parents, children of the 70-80's who gave up the inground pool for a fallout shelter, nuclear conflict with North Korea? Having trouble breaching the gap from The Day After/TMI Meltdown mentality to Dirty Bombs/Smart Bombs and Drones.

Tired of hiding under the desk

Dr. Strangelove

 

————————————————————————

 

Dear Dr. Strange,

Hmmmm, an excellent question and one without any easy answers. Perhaps you need to revert to things they're familiar with and start having drills for them? Only instead of having them crawl under a desk or timing them while they grab a bug out bag and hit the shelter you could enlist some help and have something structured a bit more to address newer threats.

For instance ask your mailman to wait till your dad is watering the lawn one day when he's delivering mail, pull out a package, yell "Dirty Bomb!", and throw day glow paint on him followed by charts showing immediate death rates, prolonged death rates, and mutations based on wind currents and distance. Send your mom an envelope of baby powder with no return address and when she opens it have six friends show up and cordon the place off and announce their death.

You could also ask some of your friends they've never met before to us an r/c copter to fly M80's into the house and then explain to your parents their house has been obliterated and once again they're dead...don't forget to tell them how very much you miss them and point out which possessions you would have liked to have had if the house wasn't now a steaming pile of rubble.

A few weeks of this should be enough to acclimate your parents to the latest in modern warfare, but you may first want to have them get physicals including stress tests and be sure that their insurance covers PTSD.

Boom, baby, boom!

Crabby

DEAR CRABBY

Dear Crabby,

                      Recent research into cloning in order to bring back extinct

animals has taken some remarkable steps and it looks like we might soon be able to look forward to everything from woolly mammoths to the gastric brooding frog being brought back into existence.  My father and I have been arguing on the ethics and wisdom of such projects.  How do I convince him that this is an incredible opportunity to make a mends in our short falls as stewards of the land and animals given to us to rule?  I firmly believe that we would not have the God given talent to do these things if it was not the will of a higher being. 

Sincerely,

Morally for Mammoths

 

Dear Mammy ,

                       My best advice to you in furthering your goals is to not allow your father to see Jurassic Park.  You on the other hand should definitely sit down and watch it a few times.  I read the article you sent me from livescience.com and let me thank you for giving me more nightmares.  Not only do we not know everything there is to know about most of the animals that went extinct more than a couple of hundred years ago, but has it occurred to your tiny little brain that pulling a stunt like this might mean that the next thing to go extinct is humans?

                      As for it being part of God's plan?  You obviously haven't realized that God has quite a sense of humor.  I give you a few small examples of this in the platypus, the difference in age when the genders reach their sexual peak, and any Hollywood marriage announced in the last dozen years.

Send in the clones,

Crabby

 

http://www.livescience.com/27939-reviving-extinct-animals-mammoths.html

DEAR CRABBY

Dear Crabby,
A group of us have been arguing about whether life imitates art or if art imitates life.  The latest goad to this conversation was recent reports on the proposal of a solar based DE-STAR (Directed Energy Solar Targeting of Asteroids an exploRation) asteroid destroyer. Basically, a big laser in space used to blow up asteroids.  What do you think?
Yours,
Randy


Randy,
I think you're all wasting your time asking which came first.  They're proposing a freaking Death Star above our world.  What you need to be asking yourself is "Is there some overzealous megalomaniac egghead who's going to get his paws on it and what will he use if for if he does?"  "Does someone end up at a disadvantage on this?" and other such pressing questions.  Stop worrying your tiny little brains about quaint philosophy and take a look at the bigger picture...which is admittedly kind of cool.
Amazed you breathe,
Crabby

http://www.slashgear.com/scientist-propose-solar-based-de-star-asteroid-destroyer-16269607/ 

DEAR CRABBY

Dear Crabby,

I’m really disappointed in SyFy channel’s recent offerings. Whatever happened to unique and interesting science fiction and fantasy based stories instead of the current overdone, unoriginal, unimaginative monster of the week matchups?

Vexed Viewer

Dear Vexed,

This requires a complex and multi-layered answer quite the antithesis of the programs they have been producing. The first and possibly most influential portion of this equation would be the dimwit that took over the running of this channel and who it is obvious has no interest in anything except making a buck as quickly and easily as possible. The second is that the fans have not made their displeasure known in the only way such a parasite understands which involves cutting off it’s supply of money. This is possibly aggravated by the substitution of the normal fans of such a channel by those who now watch it to see wrestling. Lastly, it’s made a wonderfully profitable side business for me to send in the ideas they are using which I came up with in the few minutes spent in the bathroom. I must say it’s convenient to have a source of appropriate paper on a convenient roll to send in those scripts and ideas. I’m considering if I want to offer up Octopussykat vs. Carp A. Demon or Aligaydar vs. Westboro Baptist Church. The first involves the classic mutations and the traditional camp on a lake setting while the second involves a science experiment gone wrong that creates our hero and chainsaws and pitchforks from the murderous hateful mob.

Suck it up,

Crabby.

 

 

Dear Crabby,

I’m your typical IT drone. I try to avoid socialization with the unwashed masses as much as possible announcing my techy geekdom with t-shirts and sarcasm. Despite all my best efforts there is always at least one bubbly, chipper, optimistic, former cheerleader type in the crowd who not only insists on talking to me before I’ve had my coffee, but in regaling me with strange tales of their childhood. I’ve held many jobs and always there is one of these people to contend with. I’ve noticed a strange pattern with their childhoods. They each have told me stories where time out was not called time out it was "the grumpy bear chair". Or the "silent step". My question is do you think that these nonstandard "cute" punishment names could be responsible for the overly exuberant always happy attitudes? If so how can we correct this so everyone can be unhappy on Monday's?

Steamed

Dear Steamy,

Everyone reacts to events differently. I know that I would certainly react to such condescension in addition to punishment in a violent manner, but I suppose there are other people who would have the opposite reaction. No matter the cause you can remedy this behaviour by taking a few tips from Pavlov. You’ll have to be stalwart in getting the proper response drilled into these people, but your reward should be great. I suggest carrying super strength laxatives in your pockets. Every morning when you are approached by these folks offer them a hot beverage and encourage them to sit down and share with you. Each time put in two of these laxatives and encourage their discourse until you see the panic hit their faces. Feign intense interest in keeping the conversation going and them in place until they flee. Continue this process until they twitch any time you say hello.

Soldier on Steamy,

Crabby

DEAR CRABBY

Dear Crabby,

My girls (age 5, 7 and 9) all like this show called My Little Ponies. It's pink. I try to keep up with things just to be sure my girls are safe, but now I'm seeing these "bronies" or something on line. Should I be worried? What if my daughters meet these guys and it affects their views of what is acceptable in a future husband? Shouldn’t these guys be working on their cars, doing home repairs, killing things in WOW or something more manly than watching a bunch of pastel ponies and their friends solve “dilemmas”?

Frightened Father

Dear Fraidy Cat,

Okay, I can’t lie and say that My Little Ponies is to my taste either. My nieces watch it and it drives me bonkers with all it’s saccharine sweetness, but what in the world does that have to do with gender? I think it’s admirable that you are paying attention to what your kids watch the way a proper parent should be, but really? Are you so insecure in your own “manliness” that you are intimidated by these softer side kind of guys? I bet you’re the kind of guy that watches all kinds of rough sports where half the terminology is homoerotic, they’re forever touching one another’s butts as encouragement, then they shower together afterward. In my opinion that is more suspect than a show that hides moral lessons in the guise of pretty, pretty ponies. After all it takes a real man to like what he likes and be unafraid of anyone else’s opinions. Besides, ponies can be sort of manly (in a deranged sort of way)...like this http://io9.com/5945067/gaze-upon-the-most-disturbing-my-little-pony-ever-made

So, in short get over it and stop worrying about what kind of man another guy is based on his television picks. If one of your daughters ends up with a guy who is a Bronie then figure you’ve got it easy since you’ll know what kinds of gifts to give for the wedding.

Suspiciously yours,

Crabby

Dear Crabby,

My best friend Joey wants to borrow my signed copy of Doom Pegasus number 93 (the first appearance of the Hoofmaster). He says he wants to catch up on the story, but the series is up to number 257 and issue 93 is extremely rare and valuable. I let him borrow a paperback once and he sold it at his yard sale. I let him borrow my "Best of Female Cosplay" dvd and he got wax (or something sticky) on it. I'm afraid for my comic. What should I do?

Cautious and Conflicted

Dear CC,

Just say no! Look there are some people you can count on to remember what is yours and treat it like their own or better, but even then things happen. They call these things accidents.

However, there are other people who will treat your things like their own and they treat their own stuff like crap. Still others treat their own stuff like gold, but have no concern whatsoever for anyone else’s belongings. With some of these people they only need to be gently reminded by things like a signed contract allowing you to taser them repeatedly should they not return any and all your items in pristine condition...you know, just a friendly reminder and a nudge in the right direction.

The cold hard fact though is there are some people that you could permanently damage and still not imprint on their tiny little brains that they cannot do this to your stuff. Your only recourse is to either take them out of the gene pool in a demonstration of natural selection or not to lend them your items you care at all about. If you are the kind of person that looks good in glaring orange and wants a roommate, shower mate, and boyfriend/girlfriend all in one neat package go for the first. Otherwise, stick with the second.

Cranky and Callous,

Crabby

DEAR CRABBY

Dear Crabby,

I read your column all the time and wanted to share some exciting news I’ve come across just now. There is a group called TNC that has created a Bat Cave deep in the Tennessee woods! I am so excited and can’t wait to see which of Batman’s gadgets they’ve replicated. I’ve always wanted to ride in the Batmobile! Do you think they’ll have a Bat Signal set up nearby? I’m leaving at the end of the week to travel there in hopes that they’ll allow me to participate in such a wonderful project. I hope to see you there.

Sincerely yours,

Biggest Batman Fan Ever

Dear Dingbat,

You are an idiot. TNC stands for The Nature Conservancy and the batcave that they’ve created is literally for bats to hibernate in for the winter. It is not for nutters like you to go and play with replicas of the Dark Knight's toys. The cave has been created in the hopes that they’ll be able to control the level of a fungus that is causing behavior that is ending with the bat’s deaths when they wake mid winter and fly out in search of food. They created an artificial structure that they could clean yearly to keep the fungus from reaching deadly levels. So, if you want to participate I’m sure that they’d be more than happy to hand you a shovel and let you work on the removal of the guano. Did you hear about this from people who wish to humiliate and belittle you (which I assume is anyone who meets you) or did you see an article somewhere that you just didn’t bother to read? While I certainly wish The Nature Conservancy the best of luck in their endeavor the only way you’ll see me there is if you continue with your obvious hallucinations.

Feel free to get lost in the woods!

Crabby

http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/wireStory/artificial-bat-cave-built-combat-killer-disease-17238613#.UFXn3lEhTTo

DEAR CRABBY

August 2012

 

Dear Crabby,

I recently read an article about how they've finally managed to make a diet chocolate by removing about 1/2 the fat and replacing it with fruit juice. (http://www.businessinsider.com/fruit-juice-infused-chocolate-has-half-the-fat-2012-8) Is this science fiction realized or is it simply science sucking the joy along with the fat out of one more aspect of life? Will science be our savior or our bane?

Torn Between Two Loves

Dear T-Square,

I guess it depends on how you look at it. Are you a loser who is willing to give up all pleasure in life in the pursuit of a science born utopia and likely to be found a 40 something old virgin sitting in your parent's basement humming old commercial jingles? Or are you the kind of loser who will have to be cut out of your home and removed by flatbed and crane, not because of a medical condition, but simply because you refuse to use science to your advantage in enjoying some of life's pleasures without over indulging to the point of self destruction? So, decide which kind of loser you are and have at it. I personally will be taking advantage of this low fat chocolate to eat twice as much as I could before with the same results while you explore your angst.

Get a life,

Crabby

DEAR CRABBY

June 2012

Dear Crabby,

I need you to settle an argument between my friend and I as to the nature of a discovery in the Baltic Sea.  I think that it is quite obvious that this is an alien spacecraft lost here on one of it’s missions to investigate the earth and its peoples.  I have no doubt that we have finally found exactly the kind of vessel that the U.S. government has been hiding in Area 51 these many years only I am willing to bet that the one in the Baltic Sea is older and had been unknown to the U.S. government up until it went public or else they would have found an excuse to extract it and hid it away too.

My friend on the other hand believes it to be a long lost relic of Atlantis and insists on pointing to the “chimney like” structures covered in what they say appears to be “soot”.  Obviously, this is actually the by product of either an energy source or more likely the vent for organic materials from the beings residing in the vessel.  Of course, I can’t get this knucklehead to see reason about it.  

Would you do us the honor of settling this debate and telling my well meaning, but misguided friend he is wrong?

Sincerely,
Space Cowboy & Donovan

Dear Space Case & Ding Dong,

Both you jack wagons are wrong.  It’s obvious to me that what it is in fact a replica of the Millenium Falcon hidden under the Baltic Sea by George Lucas in the hopes of jump starting yet another movie empire since he tanked the last one with those last three lame ducks.  This time he’s trying to use his previous cred from his first trilogy and mix it with the biggest movie hit he can conceive of which is why there is a ship sunk in it.  Just don’t mention anything of his by name...I already pity the poor fools who tapped his secret early...although, maybe if they give it enough hype old Georgie Boy will call off his litigious hell hounds.

In the meantime you can go back to making tin foil hats and your buddy can continue saving up to get those surgically webbed feet and hands he has nocturnal emissions over.

Get a clue,
Crabby

http://www.popdecay.com/2012/06/17/ufo-ship-thought-to-rest-on-baltic-seabed/11449

DEAR CRABBY

 

Dear Crabby,

 

My friends have complained that I am technologically obsessed and have funneled most of this obsession into having all the latest gadgets I can lay my hands on.  I've never considered myself the geeky or nerdy type...I mean I drive a cool car and have a good job with a well known firm working with their accounts.  I date.  I have friends.  I do enjoy technology and have dabbled with creating useful items since I was in middle school.  I just scored a new contract with a major car company to have them use one of my improvements on and the combination of existing tech that I had created to help protect my bitchin' ride.  I've included a preview of my baby in action.  Give it to me straight, Crabby...I'm not really a nerd, but a free thinker and a pioneer...right?

 

Signed,

Charlie

 

Sorry, Charlie!

 

Not only is an obsession with technology something that throws your status into question, but man you called your car bitchin'...and I'd bet it was a Camero, isn't it?  Dude, you're an accountant...that's a sophisticated name for a math geek.  You invent things in your spare time...that means you can't be dating too much.  You're friends are obviously right.  You're just gonna have to embrace what you really are I'm afraid.  That being said I love your system and may have to actually look into the purchase of a car with this system. I do have some suggestions for this new invention of yours...what about adding a spare battery designed to give an electric shock?

 

Crabby

 

**********************************************************************************

 

Dear Crabby,

 

I've been looking for a new job for over a year.  I've had numerous interviews, but not really good offers.  I have an upcoming interview with a really good company with decent salaries and competitive benefits.  Here is the catch...I have a friend that's worked there for a while who got wind of a new policy where they company insists on all employees or prospective employees to hand over their user name and password for all social media sites.  What do I do?  I'm tired of working two lousy jobs to make ends meet and I want to be able to live in a house with having to share and depend on 5 other people, but I just don't think that it's fair.  I'm not even sure I'll get the job if they look at my pages.  I need your wise advise.

 

Catch 22

 

Dear Tutu,

 

It isn't fair and depending on what state you live in there is legislation either recently passed or in the works to prove it isn't legal either.  If you aren't in one of these states I suggest you find out who your local politicians are and start letting them know that you vote (or at least you'd better) and that you don't like this and want it stopped.  Some other suggestions that I can give you are as follows.  1) Common sense should dictate that you don't put anything online that you wouldn't want your dear sweet grandma to see, so take those pics of you and the mule in Tijuana down.  2) Tell your prospective employer that you will be happy to share your information as soon as he or she gives you their information as well and that you'd be happy to compare them side by side. 3) Set up a separate page and fill it with links to EEOC and ACLU pages and pics of you at various protests and rallies (you can always Photoshop yourself into these)  or 4) Grow a set and tell these smug jerks that you don't want to work for any company that has to use such underhanded tactics.

 

Don't be a spineless pansy,

Crabby

DEAR CRABBY

Dear Crabby,

My friends have complained that I am technologically obsessed and have funneled most of this obsession into having all the latest gadgets I can lay my hands on. I've never considered myself the geeky or nerdy type...I mean I drive a cool car and have a good job with a well known firm working with their accounts. I date. I have friends. I do enjoy technology and have dabbled with creating useful items since I was in middle school. I just scored a new contract with a major car company to have them use one of my improvements on and the combination of existing tech that I had created to help protect my bitchin' ride. I've included a preview of my baby in action. Give it to me straight, Crabby...I'm not really a nerd, but a free thinker and a pioneer...right?

Signed,

Charlie

Sorry, Charlie!

Not only is an obsession with technology something that throws your status into question, but man you called your car bitchin'...and I'd bet it was a Camero, isn't it? Dude, you're an accountant...that's a sophisticated name for a math geek. You invent things in your spare time...that means you can't be dating too much. You're friends are obviously right. You're just gonna have to embrace what you really are I'm afraid. That being said I love your system and may have to actually look into the purchase of a car with this system. I do have some suggestions for this new invention of yours...what about adding a spare battery designed to give an electric shock?

Crabby

**********************************************************************************

Dear Crabby,

I've been looking for a new job for over a year. I've had numerous interviews, but not really good offers. I have an upcoming interview with a really good company with decent salaries and competitive benefits. Here is the catch...I have a friend that's worked there for a while who got wind of a new policy where they company insists on all employees or prospective employees to hand over their user name and password for all social media sites. What do I do? I'm tired of working two lousy jobs to make ends meet and I want to be able to live in a house with having to share and depend on 5 other people, but I just don't think that it's fair. I'm not even sure I'll get the job if they look at my pages. I need your wise advise.

Catch 22

Dear Tutu,

It isn't fair and depending on what state you live in there is legislation either recently passed or in the works to prove it isn't legal either. If you aren't in one of these states I suggest you find out who your local politicians are and start letting them know that you vote (or at least you'd better) and that you don't like this and want it stopped. Some other suggestions that I can give you are as follows. 1) Common sense should dictate that you don't put anything online that you wouldn't want your dear sweet grandma to see, so take those pics of you and the mule in Tijuana down. 2) Tell your prospective employer that you will be happy to share your information as soon as he or she gives you their information as well and that you'd be happy to compare them side by side. 3) Set up a separate page and fill it with links to EEOC and ACLU pages and pics of you at various protests and rallies (you can always Photoshop yourself into these) or 4) Grow a set and tell these smug jerks that you don't want to work for any company that has to use such underhanded tactics.

Don't be a spineless pansy,

Crabby

DEAR CRABBY

Dear Crabby,

I have an incredible collection of action figures and limited edition comics. All of them are beautifully displayed in a room I’ve custom built shelves for and put everything together with tender loving care. I have only one of the ten made Neo-Avenging Archer from the Lightening Strike comics with the bow placed in the wrong hand! I have spent my life building this collection. Now my wife is talking about the need for a guest room and how we should move all of my stuff out to make room for a bed and how it will need to be redecorated. Help! How do I explain to her what this means to me? After nine years of marriage I feel like I’ve been betrayed.

Suddenly Sullenly Saturnine

Dear Sully,

Repeat after me, “Yes, dear.” Now shut up and do as your spouse says.

Captious Crabby

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dear Crabby,

I met a girl a few years back and we’ve taken it slow, but I’d really thought that she was the one. I had introduced her to my parents first then to some of my friends, and then the test of all tests, to my gaming group. She has even started keeping a toothbrush and some clothes at my place. The other day I showed her my office at the apartment. I was totally prepared to wow her with all my mint condition Star Wars

action figures. I have the Millenium Falcon and an X-Wing hanging from the ceiling as if engaged in battle. I have replica light sabers from both the light and the dark side. I was appalled when she actually said to me, “How wonderful! You’re kids are going to love playing with you with these. That’s so sweet that you held on to the toys you best loved as a kid.” What is she? Crazy?!?! How do I explain to this woman who had seemed perfectly rational up until now that these are not toys??? Should I just cut my loses and run now?

JarJar Me!

Dear JarJar,

What in the world is it with you boys and your toys? Because yes, they are toys. You’ve collected toys- not holy artifacts. If you’ve found someone who’s not only willing to put up with you, but also your friends, family, and gaming group you should get a ring on her finger as soon as at all possible. May I also point out that this wonderful creature has given you the benefit of the doubt that you were smart enough and caring enough to hold onto and spend your money on these items for the benefit of your offspring rather than because you’re a self indulgent idiot? If you found someone willing to breed with you and you have a kid who wants to shove a match stick in your action figures arm hole to replicate a light saber then you had better let them because that girl you found is more precious than a full time job paying above minimum wage and offering benefits even in this day and age. Stop being a baby and learn to share. Someone should smack your mamma for not teaching you that sooner.

Caviling Crabby

DEAR CRABBY

Dear Crabby,

Why doesn't my local sci-fi club accept me? I mean, isn't being on team Edward enough? I thought there would be some sense of community here? Geeks rule now, right?

Stacy (but my name should have been Bella)

 

Dear Bubblehead,

They don’t accept you because they have brains and standards.  Reading a set of books or poorly executed movies centered around teenaged angst that just happens to have werewolves and unrealistic vampires in it doesn’t count as making you a geek…just misguided.  Here are some tips: vampires do not sparkle and wimpy, whiny, angst ridden girls are not cool in any setting.  Besides, Edward is a poof.  If you want teenage angst and doomed romance at least watch something good like Buffy The Vampire Slayer where the vampires are at least demons and not cry babies.

Stay away from the cool kids table,

Crabby

 

Dear Crabby,

For all the "acceptance" this bout of "geek chic" seems to have brought on, there's still a lot of crap being slung in our direction. The recent debate (if you care to call it that) in Congress about SOPA had the leaders of the nation calling out "nerds" like it was some kind of backwards witch hunt. "Make somebody help me understand the magic box!" What will it take to make people stop with the derogatory "nerd" label? How about "subject matter expert"?

Frustrated with Labels

 

Dear Nerd,

 

Congress can’t find it’s butt with both hands and a flashlight, so are you really surprised that they’re whining for help or that they can’t understand how the internet works?  As for calling yourself a subject matter expert?  Yeah, no you are a nerd.  Stop hurting the cause and man up. Embrace it. Own it!  Make other people revere it!!!  Now, stop bugging me and go back to alphabetizing your mixed media collection of fandom tributes.

 

Suck it up,

Crabby

 

 

 

Dear Crabby,

 

My husband and I are madly in love and have been for the last 5 years, but for Valentine’s Day last year he got me a box set of those jokes Lucas passed off as the latest Star Wars Trilogy in Blue Ray.  He knows that I hate Episodes I – III.  He knows that I think that they should never have messed with the perfection of the originals.  Han shot first!  He likes the reworked originals and those blasphemous after thoughts.  For Christmas he got me a Jar – Jar Binks hat instead of the classic Dr. Who scarf I had asked for.  For my birthday he got me a copy of Independence Day, a movie he loves, instead of the newest Star Trek movie like I asked for.  His excuse?  “Yeah, but it’s got Brent Spinner in it!  You loved Data.”  Now while I do like Independence Day and Brent Spinner I am sick to death of him trying to convince me that what he likes is what I need.  I don’t want to permanently damage him, but I’m not sure how to break my other wise perfect hubby of this annoying habit.  What suggestions can you offer?

 

Cranky in Clevland

 

Dear Cranky,

 

First and foremost let me just say you’re my kinda girl.  Not only do you obviously have good taste and sense you also see the value in a flawed, but other wise good guy.  Training a spouse can be tricky.  You don’t want to discourage good behavior along with bad and you don’t want to send them crying back to their mammas.  In the case of your misguided mule I suggest you simply even the playing field instead of trying to coach him out of this little annoyance.  Use it as the perfect excuse instead.  Buy yourself whatever you want that he doesn’t like for every holiday you can think of and then use it.  He’ll either eventually stop or it won’t matter because you’ll get everything you want just the same.  No ugly fights, no fussing, no worries and love will once again reign supreme.  Happy VD to you both!

 

Work smarter not harder,

Crabby

DEAR CRABBY

 

Dear Crabby,

 

Why do people seem to feel the need to change things just for the sake of making it different/prettier/more modern instead of saving changes for the functional?  I am sick to death of my web browser, email, and social networks being changed for not really good reason every time I start getting used to the last stupid changes they made.  What makes me most mad is that I get no choice in the matter.  If they make a way to keep things the same it always seems to be temporary.  Either they automatically force you over to the change after a set amount of time or the fix they give you needs to be reset constantly.  It’s beyond irritating.

 

Sincerely Yours,

Fuming Over Fiddling

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dear Fumey,

 

        Why do people feel the need to whine and complain?  The world is full of unanswered phenomena.   Change is one of those things that people seem to both insist on and fear at the same time.  While I agree that change just for the sake of change is stupid, annoying, and a waste of time so are most of the letters I get and yet it keeps people in a job.  Changes at the places you mention (or any place) have that same effect.  It’s also next to impossible to get any decent ideas or feedback from the mouth breathing population that utilize 90% of these things in order to make positive and necessary change…don’t even get me started on how the “boss” is always asking for changes and innovations for even the most perfect product.  Welcome to dealing with the human species.  Don’t like it?  Move off planet.  Otherwise put a sock in it.  Personally?  I love things like Facebook and Google+…if it weren’t for that sluggish cerebral stew I wouldn’t have nearly so many examples of stupidity or turds to polish into the gems you root around for at my feet.

 

Crabby

DEAR CRABBY

Dear Crabby,

            My best friend is crazy about geeky little gadgets he can play with at work.  His cube is full of all kinds of kitch...rubber band catapults, a mini nerf gun, ninja throwing star push pins, etc., etc., etc., ad nauseum.  Here is the thing though.  Somehow he’s missed the ever so awesome Bucky Balls.  I know, I don’t understand how either!  I really want to make his Christmas special as he’s been just a great guy in my life for so many years.  So, now what I need advice on is if I should get him the regular Bucky Balls or the newest

version which are blue?

            Yours,

            Stumped

 

Dear Stumpy,

            Did you really just ask me if you should give your friend blue balls for Christmas?  I think you are a horrible friend to have let your friend go without giving him balls of some sort or another before now if you had that in your power.  He obviously has been missing this

desperately needed accoutrement for all of his life because if he had them he wouldn’t need all that other crap you listed him trying to fill the void that is obviously his life and yet you let him suffer.  Absolutely, give your friend blue balls for Christmas...it is a gift that keeps on giving after all.

            You’re an idiot,

            Crabby

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dear Crabby,

            I need your advice on how to handle a delicate situation.  My best friend who was also the best man at my wedding is recently separated.  His wife left him just about a year ago and we’ve tried to help him through the holidays by having him join our family gatherings.  The problem is that he makes my wife’s family uncomfortable in his zeal to be a part of things.  At Thanksgiving he offered to carve the turkey, but then he produced a Dr. Who

electric knife designed to have a handle that looked like a sonic screw driver and then

pretended the whole time that the turkey was a Dalek that he was dismantling.  Last year at Christmas he wore his Mr. Spock Santa hat and insisted that everyone sit on his lap to receive his Christmas present.  Grandma almost fainted when he grabbed her and hoisted her onto his lap and all he could say was that she should stop being so illogical.  I want to be there for my best friend, but I’ve been unable to persuade him to tone things down a bit around the

relatives.  Should I continue to be Santa’s little helper or must I be the Grinch who stole Christmas?

            Sincerely,

            Between a rock and a hard place

 

Dear Rock,

            The way I see it you have one of two paths you can take.  One is to get the relatives all liquored up before bringing your friend over...that way they won’t even notice.  I have a killer eggnog recipe involving lighter fluid.  The other is that you can keep your friend away from the nice normal people and make it a more intimate celebration with just your wife, yourself, and your friend.  I’m making the assumption that your wife doesn’t mind because she’s still married to you.  If you happen to have any other friends I’m sure they are as

misguided as your friend is and should be happy enough in his company.  Then you could have a social situation...sad and demented, but social.  A third option has just occurred to me.  You may also be able to purchase the Yoda Santa Claus hat and simply tell your friend that he is not allowed to touch anyone or anything without using the force to do so.  This should keep him busy and out of trouble.

            Apathetically yours,

            Crabby

DEAR CRABBY

Dear Readers,
You’ve worked me to my wits end, so I’ve taken a few weeks off to recover from the endless tumult of your pleading for my attention and guidance in your pathetic lives. During my sabbatical my cousin Scabby has been foolish enough to take on the chore of untangling your twisted minds. I’ll share my generous nature again when or rather if I return.
Caustically Yours,
Crabby
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Dear Scabby,
I’ve created a zombie to go along with my themed Halloween costume of Comic star Lance Lazerton Zombie Slayer! I have two problems that I need your advice on. The first is how to keep the stench from my zombie down to a bearable level until I get him to the party and slay him. The second is how to deal with my best friend’s obnoxious other best friend who has been ragging me that my costume choice is lame. He’s always trying to show me up and he’s going as that new TV character Dirk Deadly the supernatural demon slayer. Where as Lance is a classic this Dirk character is a blatant rip off of Lance’s originality. Can you offer some suggestions?
Hopefully Yours,
Shambling for Answers

Dear Shambles,
I’ll address zombie hygiene first; cleaning products are your friends. If it were Christmas I would suggest scrubbing your zombie down with a toilet brush on a long stick soaked in Pine Sol. Since it’s Halloween you could just go with straight bleach and then a quick douse with Cinnamon scented mouthwash. Yes, some flesh will be removed with the brush...it’s worth it and since Halloween is right around the corner how much flesh do you really need your zombie to have? As for your second issue I will offer a solution that should help with something you may not have considered the need to take care of before you and your shambling prop make your appearance at the party as well as riding you of your foe. You should feed your zombie well before taking them to the party to make them a bit more tenable. I suggest allowing the zombie to have your rival as a quick snack before taking him amongst nummy partygoers. It’s bound to be a light snack since everyone knows that Lance could kick Dirk’s butt any day of the week.
Don’t fall to pieces,
Scabby
 

Dear Scabby,
I’m torn. I want to do my pumpkin this year with the Star Wars push kit, but I can’t decide between Yoda and Darth. Both sets are very cool and super easy to use since the pieces just push into the pumpkin like it was a giant orange Mr. Potatohead. Who’s cooler Darth or Yoda?
Desperate to Decorate

Dear Desperate,
I think that the whole cool factor for Darth and Yoda depends on your own personal goals and philosophies. Do you want to crush your enemies, rule by fear, bend people to your will all while sounding like an obscene phone call or would you rather guide and encourage people’s growth and sense of oneness with the universe while talking in backward broken English and riddles? For my money go with Darth for the Halloween scare because any house where the person opening the door is more or less panting at me scares the pants off me.
Cooler than you,
Scabby


(http://www.rebelscum.com/photo.asp?image=http://www.rebelscum.com/2011/TCW-Yoda-Pumpkin-Pushin.jpg)

DEAR CRABBY

 

Dear Crabby,

I have found that one of my gaming group has done the unthinkable yet inevitable. She’s brought a boyfriend who’s never played before into our game and he’s totally ruining it for me. She’s one of our best players and really brings a lot to the game...or at least she did until she also started bringing Todd the jock with her. Now not only does she spend more time flirting with him than paying attention to the game, but she’s also got her character catering to his. He never played before and to make things easier we got him set up to play a Barbarian Beserker. We figured that the “smash it!” type character shouldn’t be too hard for a guy who plays football and wrestles for fun. Unfortunately, we were all too right. He ruins the Rogues back stabs by running into every situation screaming. he ruins the bards negotiations by beating up everyone who he can get his hands on, he ruins the wizards spells by doing stupid things like asking him what he’s doing while he’s casting a spell or poking him “to make sure he’s okay”. He thinks it’s funny and she things it’s cute. I think it’s maddening. What can I do to help her understand how disruptive this cretin is? When I tried to carefully bring it up with her she suggested that I’m jealous!

At my wits end,

Dear Witless,

So, how long have you been in love with your fellow player? It’s always hard to bring in someone new in a group where the dynamic already works. Friction isn’t unusual. It’s also a crap shoot when you play with someone who is completely new to role playing. Either they bring a refreshing perspective uncluttered by gaming cliches and preconceived notions of how it has to be or they are clueless idiots who can’t grasp which end of a glaive to hold even after it’s severed their fingers. I would suggest that rather than approaching your gaming buddy that you try to make a buddy of your girls boyfriend. Take him out for a beer, try speaking his language to explain the situation, and if all else fails get the other players to help you knee cap him in the alley outside the bar. Come on! Use your head...and you call yourself a gamer? I bet you play the elf.

Grow a pair,
Crabby

DEAR CRABBY

Dear Crabby,

Aliens are coming to take me away...and I want to go! My family, friends, and co-workers all think I'm crazy...but I am thrilled at a more advanced society coming for me. Me!!! Surely this is because they see my superior character, intelligence and psyche. I am open to this new experience where so many others seem to cower in fear. What can I say to comfort the people in my life and help them to understand?

Sincerely,

Unobstructed to being abducted

Dear Obstructed,

Those aren't your friends they're your therapists and care staff and they need to increase your Lithium dosage...and your trying to tell me you hold down a job? Where?!?! I need to know so that I can avoid it...unless of course you work for the government in which case I'm not sure it will actually impact the quality of your work anyway. If aliens are coming for you it sounds like what they are looking for is an example of the malformed human mind and you’re an easy catch. If you want to comfort the people in your life then either stop talking nonsense or if the aliens really do come for you simply say goodbye.

Crabby

Dear Crabby,

I am a man who walks in two worlds. I am both an electronic and tabletop gamer. Unfortunately, this creates a double problem in my life. Both of these hobbies leave me stationary for long periods of time and I've noticed a disturbing side effect to this in the current climate that summer brings. I'm talking about sweaty bum syndrome. It's hard enough to meet girls when your time is as limited as mine is, but when you couple that with the often present symptoms of S.B.S. it narrows the chances to the lowest of low and attracts only the kind of women I don't want to meet. I suppose an adult diaper would cure the embarrassing show of wetness on my backside, but the smell wouldn't be much helped. Powder just eventually turns into pasty soup. I tried a roll on antiperspirant, but they just don't seem to be strong enough to do the trick either. Can you help me, Crabby?

Swampy in the hot seat

Dear Swampy,

No … no, I cannot. However, may I direct you to some of the hero's of our geeky little world for their wisdom? First Nathan Fillion (that would be Capt. Mal Reynolds aka Capt. Tight Pants of Firefly & Serenity) has a lovely public service announcement addressing exactly this sort of thing. It can be found here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCf9M5GsDSs and is full of helpful advice. Then today the lovely Claudia Christian ( Susan Ivanova on Babylon 5) shared the secret of anti-monkey butt powder with her friends on Facebook. I'm afraid you have to be a member of Facebook to see that one, but I understand that the powder itself is available at drugstores and online. So, while I still believe you are beyond help and that you need to stay firmly out of my reach the stars you support are here to support you back.

Thoroughly disgusted by you,

Crabby

DEAR CRABBY

Summer Extravaganza!

Dear Crabby,

I'm at my wit's end! I get no respect and it seems like nobody understands me. I have to program everybody's DVR, absolutely no one understands my sense of style, and why can't anyone (just once) put my books back in alphabetical order like I had them darn it! Should I try harder, give up, or move to a deserted mountaintop with only satellite to connect me to the world?

Hopeless Egghead

Dear Egghead,

Okay, so your understanding of things technical makes you a geek. Your sense of style gets you labeled a dweeb. Your obsessive organization marks you as a nerd. Really, what's so great about fitting in anyway? If you feel the need to move away from all of humanity believe that I understand that all too well. However, if you're going to do that make sure you do it for your own desire to be away from the mouth breathing unwashed masses and not because you've bought into their delusions about how you should be. Newsflash, dweeb! Nobody will ever really like you if you don't like yourself first. I haven't even met you and I don't like you, so trust me on this. That doesn't mean you should hide your LED under a basket though. No! By all means go on with your alphabetizing, subcategorizing, tech tinkering, pocket protector wearing bad self. You go boy! (I can only assume your male because a female would have simply eaten a gallon of ice cream while she plotted her revenge and said to hell with everyone.)

____________________________________________________________

Dear Crabby,

I know that this may sound like some crazy phantasy, but I think that a ghost is watching me in my shower! It's horrible. When I close my eyes it's like I can feel these invisible eyes boring into me. This is a time and a place for one of the days most intimate moments and I feel like there is some spectral voyeur intruding. My soap, razor, shampoo and loofa will move around when I'm not looking. Going from where I put them down to another place in the shower while I'm rinsing or washing my hair or face. I have no peace anymore and I feel violated. Help me?

Yours,

Haunted

 

Dear Haunted,

Don't drop the soap.

  DEAR CRABBY

        Dear Crabby,

I’m frustrated by the lack of knowledge that the so-called experts on panels at my favorite conventions seem to have.  There are massive holes in their knowledge of the most basic subjects.  These people are only slightly better than the people put in place as moderator for these discussions.  Usually this position is also run by a “professional” of one type or another supposedly related to the topic.  Another thing I find frustrating is that it is supposed to be a discussion and yet all these glory hogs want to do is ramble and self promote without allowing those of us in the audience who so obviously know more to speak our minds.  What can I do to improve these panels?

Mr. Participation

 

        Dear Mr. Disruption,

When the first words you speak from the audience of a panel start with “It’s more of a comment really than a question...” the rest of us know that you are the harbinger of doom to all joy that might have been had in listening to intelligent people speak.  I have sat through countless presentations and panels with you; sir and I dread and detest you.  That so called knowledge that you have consists of an overblown sense of self, wrapped up in ill thought out opinions.  I know you because you’re the clod who spends more time talking over the speakers than listening or allowing anyone else to listen to them.  You are the buffoon who thinks that they know everything and most of it comes from fabricated television, movies and books.  The moderators spend more time trying to politely get you to shut up than they do in directing the panel.  The guest speakers spend more time being side tracked by your incessant incoherent rambling than they do directing their energies to the topics at hand.  So, in answer to your question of what you can do to improve these panels I tell you that you can either learn to control yourself and remain silent or you can stay away.  Go play in traffic before one of the rest of us blow a gasket and ruins the right to wear weapons so long as peace bonded.   

DEAR CRABBY

Dear Crabby,

My archenemy is a hard-core physics fanatic while I myself enjoy the theories, but lack the ability to excel at this art because of weak math skills.  My strength lies in my literary skills and vast knowledge of media.  I can recite over 200 classic sci-fi and fantasy movies from beginning to end and have an almost encyclopedic knowledge of books published in the last 50 years with regards to both genres.  I also fluently speak both elvish and Klingon with a smattering of Dwarvish for good measure.  Bob and I compete in everything...we take turns running games for our group, we both have entered and won at different times both gaming and costuming tournaments at conventions, and of course there are the ladies.

There is a new procedure being tested by scientists in Britain at the Universities of Oxford and College London where they apply transcranial direct current to stimulate the neurons in the right parietal cortex.  This is a non-invasive procedure and I believe that I can recreate it safely in my own home.  The benefits of increased learning of numerical symbols are shown to last six months.  Here is my question...do you think that I would gain enough of an edge on Bob if I chose to recreate these experiments in my own home and take up the mantle of education again to improve my mathematical knowledge?

Yours,

Shocked

 

Dear Shocked,

I think you should absolutely hook yourself up to current...the higher the voltage the better.  Further more I think you should grab Bob (literally) and have him join in on the fun.  Math isn't your only weak skill set...I see that logic and reality also seem to escape you.  At worst the two of you may fry your man bits and take yourself out of the gene pool and at best you'll take yourselves out of your miserable existences and the lives of others all together.  A little harmless competition has its place, but clearly this is all you and presumably Bob do.  The rest of your "friends" probably don't want to mention it and hurt your feelings, or more likely have and you've both been too thick to take the hint despite your supposedly high IQ's, but what they undoubtedly want you to know is that your constant one ups-man-ship is obnoxious and annoying.  Oh, and the ladies?  Most women find men constantly doing that sort of thing boring and boorish.  The only ones who delight in that sort of drek are the ones with such poor self-esteem that they will take any interest they can get even when it places them as an object to be had rather than as a person to be valued.

So, in short crank up the juice and stop bugging the rest of the world.  You two may be intelligent in your chosen obsessions, but your idiots in the grand scheme of things.

Thoroughly Grounded,

Crabby                  <Suck at Math? Scientists can shock you smarter.>

  DEAR CRABBY

 

Dear Crabby,

          
I was recently surfing the web when I was shocked and appalled to come across pictures of myself and a few friends on a cos-play fail site from a con we’d attended months ago.  I’m devastated.  We put a lot of time and effort into our costumes and the people at the con were very supportive.  I feel as if my privacy...no, my very self has been violated! I’m not sure if I can show my face at the con again after this...betrayal.  I just don’t know how to handle this. Help!  Here is the page I found myself on...I share my humiliation only to help you craft your response.  
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&biw=1017&bih=604&site=search&tbm=isch&sa=1&q=cosplay+fail&aq=f&aqi=g1g-m7&aql=&oq=
Don’t let the dress fool you, dude.


Dear Dress Dude,

        
God, are you a drama queen.  Dude, it’s a con!!!  There is no privacy at a con...some times not even in your own hotel room.  If you are so worried about what people would think or say why in the world did you dress up in the first place?  Believe me that there were people at the con who were laughing at you and still applauding your effort, creativity, or just plain balls...depending on which guy in the dress you were, that may even have been literal.  It may also be that your ‘very self’ could easily have been violated in said dress.  Thank God that I can touch type.  I may be permanently blind!  Maybe if you feel that you can’t show your face you should wear a full mask next time...and pants.  I wouldn’t skip the con though...you’d be robbing lots of us of the entertainment.
Sightlessly yours,
Crabby

PS~ Underwear might also be a good idea!

DEAR CRABBY

DEAR CRABBY,

How do you deal with an arrogant, self important, talentless hack who’s hijacked your favorite series? Someone who not only was never meant to be the driving force behind the continuation of a spectacular set of characters in an amazing world, but who is completely incompetent and knows nothing about what the original creator established. I hate this man with a passion I cannot describe and can only hope that he suffers a million horrible deaths burning in the fiery pits of hell. I fantasize about cutting off his fingers so that he can no longer taint the beautiful creation of a true artist with his pathetic attempts at stepping into shoes he’ll never fill with his anemic and uninspired drek. I’ve warned him repeatedly by mail, email, and on any place I find him on the net that if he doesn’t stop his evil ways I will make him pay. I’ve enlisted my friends to help me in the crusade to rid the once pristine ideal in fantasy of his vile corruption. We’ve waged a war on his every promotional event and sabotaged everything he puts on the web, but still he insists on fouling a once beautiful and perfect creation. What more can we do?

Righteously Indignant

Dear Ridiculously Ignorant,

What more can you do? Turn yourself into the police at once. I would certainly do it, if you haven’t got the equipment or the wherewithal to send this in anonymously, as you’ve undoubtedly done with every stunt that you’ve pulled on the poor guy that you’ve targeted to harass.  I barely even know where to start with you. You don’t like the guys stuff? Great! Don’t buy it. Don’t go to any of his events. Tell your friends why they shouldn’t either. That is your absolute right. However, when you start threatening people and deliberately ruining things that they’ve put time, money, and/or effort into you are no longer within your rights. You are a stalker at best and a terrorist at worst. I suspect that what you are more than anything is a self important bully boy with a little appendage and an even smaller brain who has delusions that he should decide for all the world what is good for them...have you ever considered starting your own church? I don’t know if I should bother to give you the warning or not, but one of these days you’re going to threaten the wrong person and they’re going to kick the living daylights out of you and send you home with your tail between your legs and your teeth in a bag. You are a disgrace to our community and to humanity in general. Where do you get off deciding what someone else can and can’t do? How dare you try to decide for me what should be available for me to consume? You’re pathetic in so many ways I don’t think that I have the space here to address them all. If you were a worth while human being you’d put all that time, energy and your so called passion into making this world a better place. Go rescue some puppies and kittens, feed hungry people, build homes for people who have none, muster books for kids to learn to read, deliver meals to shut ins...anything, but stop being the pustulous boil you are on the butt of humanity. You suck.

Belligerently yours,

Crabby

  DEAR CRABBY

Dear Crabby,

 

I'm beside myself!  I've been waiting for the next book from a handful of my favorite authors and now not one, not two, but three of them have left me hanging.  I'm a devoted fan who buys the latest hardcover for each of these authors as a pre-order each time they release a book.  I wait for a year or more on average in between books just to see what they'll do next.  Do I get rewarded by an increase in frequency of publishing?  No!  Instead I get delays. The deals are already in place for their series, so what gives?  I don't know what's worse the companies dragging their feet over details or the writers just not putting the time in to get me the story I pay good money to them for.  What can we loyal fans do to get what we need without having to wait on the whims of these tyrants?

 

Impatiently Waiting

 

 

Dear Impatient,

 

Fortunately for you I am not the one beside you.  Loyal fan?  Really?  You could have fooled me.  Don't get me wrong...I too have felt the "I want it now!" temperament of my inner two year old while waiting for the next book of my favorite author to come out.  I suspect that is as close to having something in common as you and I shall ever get.  The key difference here is that I don't actually rant, rave, and throw a fit like a two year old.  I have the ability to reason that these are people just like (some) of the rest of us and that this is their job not a divine calling from God that they should devote their whole being to.  What I'm trying to say is they, unlike you, have a life bozo.  Maybe family, friends, commitments other than to meet your every "need".  I realize that you probably still live in your folks basement and don't actually have a job, because if you did you would understand that the people you work for can pretty much change their minds when ever they feel like it and you don't get to do jack about it because they pay you and not the other way around.  As for what you pay them for think about this...when you buy a ticket to see the premier of a movie what do you get afterward?  An imperfect memory of two hours of your life, sticky soles, and if you pay extra some stale popcorn.  No what do you get when you buy a book as soon as it comes out?  You get hours of enjoyment reading the story the author took the time to craft for you, you get something you can lend to friends (or on the off chance you ever manage to breed to your children) so that not only can they enjoy it, but you can talk about it and get even more entertainment from it, and you have something to hold onto for the rest of your life if you take care of it.  So stop your whining, selfish, self-centered blathering and try taking the time in between books to work on some self improvement or at the very least for another author to read in between.

 

Suck it up sucker,

Crabby

DEAR CRABBY

 

Dear Crabby,

 

I waited more than 20 years for a sequel to one of my favorite movies. I've finally seen it, and I'm feeling a bit let down. Is this Hollywood's fault or mine?

 

Eric

 

******************************************************

 

Dear Eric,

 

Unless you really are a half a beast the fault is probably not yours in this case… although, I'm sure that you're to blame for plenty of other disappointments in your life.  You're only off the hook in this case because Hollywood is filled with a bunch of lazy, uninspired, small minded, greedy, money grubbing, talentless schmucks.  The current trend in Hollywood is to produce amazing two minute mini-movies that they then sell to the general public with the notion that the one hundred and eighteen minutes of artless slop that they surround those mini-movies with (they call them trailers) are worth the small fortune they ask you to pay to see.  At this point save your money and watch the trailers for free online.  On the other hand if you are a Star Wars fan and didn't learn your lesson from George Lucas on why nobody should anticipate a film 20 years after they made something good then perhaps you got exactly what you deserved for not paying attention.

 

Stop wasting your money,

Crabby

 

Dear Crabby

Dear Crabby,

Please help me! I've been trying to find Mr. Right every where. I've tried panels at cons on how to meet people and dating. I've signed up for every potluck meet and greet at local library, book club, and amateur astronomers group. I've even signed up for Trek Passions to meet the man of my dreams. Nothing. Every guy to ask me out is a complete dud. So far I've found a polymer physicist who was into chains, a guy who fancied himself Kurt Gdel and kept trying to check the consistency of my bum, and one tried to talk me back to his place to check out his astronomic unit...which he bragged was huge, of course. Where are all the nice guys with a brain?

Yours,

Desperately Dating

*********************************************************************

Dear Desperate,

First, quit whining. You've been on at least three dates and are therefore ahead of curve compared to most of the people in the circles you seem to be running in. Second, have you tried finding a guy your interested in and just Vulcan nerve pinching him instead of wasting all this time waiting for guys to ask you out? When all else fails lower your standards. If you can't find a nice guy with a brain start with a nice guy and tutor him or start with a smart guy and use a shock collar until you have him trained to be well behaved. You may also want to reconsider binding yourself to the polymer physicist even if he is kind of quarky...after all you know what they say...it's only kinky the first time.

Crabby

 Dear Crabby

 

Dear Crabby,

     I love to go to cons, but I despair at the ever present funk of the unwashed masses I inevitably encounter there.  In the warm weather cons the heat is to blame they say.  In the cold weather packed rooms with the heat cranked up to keep lobby areas warm are the culprits.  What can the rest of us do to end this olfactory offending assault once and for all?  Plainly stated it stinks to go to a con and encounter people who either don’t bathe or bathe in a scent that only rides the beastly B.O. that floats around them like a miasma...what exactly is it about patchouli anyway?!?!  Please, please...I beg of you!  What can one do to end the rein of terror?

     Sincerely,

     Sick of Odor

*  *  *

Dear Sick-O,

     I could suggest that if you can beat your way through the odoriferous perimeters of such individuals you might try

decorating them like a giant Christmas tree with those shiny new plastic air fresheners that are currently all the rage to hang from your rear-view mirror...you know the ones...there are

dolphins, cherries, baby Jesus’, etc.  This would be a two fold solution as the shiny bits would act to amuse and distract most of them and the sheer tackiness of the items would visually warn away anyone from getting close enough to be effected by what they didn’t disguise with their unnatural natural scents.  Face it no pine tree ever smelled like the pine tree air fresheners you buy.  You could take a long handled push broom, buckets for water, and lots of liquid soap with you and just run a human car wash through the con.  You should have this affair rove about the con seemingly at random and tell people things like it’s a Klingon cleansing ceremony, disguise a shower as a British call box and tell them they need to hide from the Dalek that’s about to round the corner, that the broom is a portkey and the like.  You could also always just have your sense of smell disconnected by a surgeon.  Swag is another suggestion because we all know that everyone loves swag!  Freebies go faster at a Scifi/Fantasy convention than morals at a political convention.  Hand out free bars of soap marked as special tricorders to be in contact with the body and water for a special reading on your personal “cool factor”.  Wrap them up as the special preparations companions such as Inara and their guests use.  Tell them that they’re all the rage in Japan with the Manga crowd and wrap them in designs like Hello Kitty and the like.  Last, but not by any means least...they say that violence doesn’t solve anything...I think not only do they lie, but that they were a pantywaist pacifist...you can always alert the troglodyte that first offends you to their funkolific essence first hand by literally enacting the symbolic joining of their cranium and rectum that they’ve so proudly been sporting around the convention.

     Best of luck sucker,

Crabby

 

September 2010

Dear Crabby

 

 

Dear Crabby,

 

I need your advice.  I am a big fan of all things Sci-Fi and Fantasy.  I am very active in both communities and frequently go to group events that allow me to dress as my favorite characters such as Frodo, Jar-Jar Binks, and Harry Potter…the ladies are particularly fond of the last one, but keep trying to dress me in a school girl outfit and make up.  I keep trying to impress them with my impressions of Jar-Jar when he’s reaching across the table for fruit and I’ve offered many a girl a peek at my precious, but to no avail.  What can I do to get the girls to open up Rivendale to me?  I’m all ready on my end.  I’ve even got my Princess Lea slave costume ready for the lucky girl who’ll let me impress her with my mighty light saber.  My parent’s have given me the garage as an apartment and I have my own entrance and my pizza delivery job pays for a bitchen ’86 Dodge Omni.  I just don’t understand why none of the girls I know will take me seriously.

 

Desperately yours,

Forlorn Love Lorn

 

 

Dear Lorny,

 

These girls have no doubt that you are serious…a serious loser.  That is why they’ve wisely chosen to resist your overwhelming charm.  Do you seriously ask girls if hey want a peek at your “precious”?  It’s a wonder you don’t have a permanent handprint on your face.  Look, many of the girls that are sure to be revolving in your circles are likely to be well read, intelligent, and perceptive.  Which means the only chance you’ll continue to have with your current shtick is with the ones intent on getting Harry Potter’s hairy bottom under their wands.  If that’s your thing I say go for it.  On the other hand if you don’t want to spend the rest of your life bent over the sorcerer’s stone I suggest that you make some serious changes.  First, stop trying to be your favorite character.  Try being you.  Girls love a fixer upper, so chances are if you don’t appear unsalvageable then some poor twit will eventually take up the challenge.  Second, if all you’re looking for is somewhere to sheath your light saber a girl is going to know and if that’s all they want they’ll have better prospects than you.  Try finding a girl you genuinely are interested in and talk to her.  If you bumble like an idiot it can even be passed off as endearing if you listen to what she tells you about herself and don’t spend the whole time staring down her cleavage.  Third, get a real job, a real car, and a real place to live…in that order.  Finally, if all else fails lower your standards and hope she will too.  Take heart, as I believe there is ultimately someone for everyone, even a At-At turd like you.  She may be a half blind and slightly impaired troglodyte, but losers can’t be choosers.

 

Keep believing in miracles.

Crabby

 

 

Dear Crabby

Dear Crabby,

            Help!  I think I’m in love with the hero of the Night Crier series…. Dirk Knightley is soooo dreamy!  The only problem is that my feelings for Dirk are ruining my relationship with my real life boyfriend Ted.  I do love Ted, but he just can’t compare with Dirk.  They both have dark hair and eyes and pale white skin, but where Dirk’s is like porcelain Ted’s is more that pasty white you get from sitting in your parent’s dark dank basement playing video games all day.  I have fun with Ted when we’re together, but I always find my thoughts drifting to Dirk and what he would do if he were with me.  I feel torn between two men.  What do I do? 

Love’s Beast of Burden

  Dear Beast,

            Run. Do not walk to seek professional help and value packs of Lithium!  What in the world is wrong with you, you misguided mental moron?  Dirk Knightley would never have anything to do with the pathetic likes of you for reasons too numerous to name, the least of which is- he isn’t real!!!  Ted has obviously taken pity on you and tried to give you something to live for…unless you’ve been imagining he’s real too or worse he’s not so much your boyfriend as the victim of your delusional stalking?  What would Dirk do if he were with you?  Probably drain you dry and turn your worthless carcass into a piece of macabre art.  Heck, that almost makes me wish he were real despite how horrid that series of slurry really is.  Get some taste and get a clue.  Ask that psychiatrist I hope you’re dialing right now, to write prescriptions for extra strong doses of both.

Frightened by your stupidity,

Crabby

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Crabby,

I recently went to see a guest speaker at a local convention.  We’d been discussing his book at my local fan group and I was excited to hear more from him.  While I was there one of my group members made the experience very uncomfortable.  He interrupted the speaker’s answers, had a story to share at the speaker’s every comment (not all of these stories tied in with what the speaker was discussing and most were a bit rambling), and generally seemed oblivious to any social cues offered by the speaker or other guests.  I don’t think my group mate is aware of the inappropriateness of his actions.  How do I address his behavior without hurting his feelings?

Aggravated Fanboy

Dear Aggy,

First off beware that bad manners seem to spread like a social disease and the best way to handle them in my opinion is to nip this in the bud quickly.  Your associate is obviously oblivious and needs to be reminded of good manners.  Since locking a shock collar around other people and zapping them every time they are annoying will get you brought up on assault charges (take my word for this) I won’t ask if you have a taser.  However, in the interest of continuing to have quality speakers willing to come to your local convention, I suggest you do get this person on a short leash.  I will also assume that since you’re so concerned about his feelings you won’t want to address him in front of others either at the convention or at one of your group meetings by shouting “Hey, booger brain keep your loser mouth shut and stop embarrassing us!”  Working from these theories I can only assume you are a spineless worm and would honestly prefer someone else take the heavy burden of helping this lost soul.  Since I have no idea if anyone else you associate with has a set adequate to the job and I’m certainly not coming to your events, I can only suggest that have this person abducted by ninjas and smuggled out of the country.  If that doesn’t suit you, then you, yourself could move someplace less populated, where this could be less of a concern like- the Arctic Circle! I hear penguins are very well mannered.  Personally, I’d just roll up a newspaper and swat him every time he was acting stupid.  It’s a proven method after all.

Best of luck wimp,

Crabby

 

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