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DEAR CRABBY
Dear Crabby,
how do I explain to my parents, children of the 70-80's who gave up the inground pool for a fallout shelter, nuclear conflict with North Korea? Having trouble breaching the gap from The Day After/TMI Meltdown mentality to Dirty Bombs/Smart Bombs and Drones.
Tired of hiding under the desk
Dr. Strangelove
————————————————————————
Dear Dr. Strange,
Hmmmm, an excellent question and one without any easy answers. Perhaps you need to revert to things they're familiar with and start having drills for them? Only instead of having them crawl under a desk or timing them while they grab a bug out bag and hit the shelter you could enlist some help and have something structured a bit more to address newer threats.
For instance ask your mailman to wait till your dad is watering the lawn one day when he's delivering mail, pull out a package, yell "Dirty Bomb!", and throw day glow paint on him followed by charts showing immediate death rates, prolonged death rates, and mutations based on wind currents and distance. Send your mom an envelope of baby powder with no return address and when she opens it have six friends show up and cordon the place off and announce their death.
You could also ask some of your friends they've never met before to us an r/c copter to fly M80's into the house and then explain to your parents their house has been obliterated and once again they're dead...don't forget to tell them how very much you miss them and point out which possessions you would have liked to have had if the house wasn't now a steaming pile of rubble.
A few weeks of this should be enough to acclimate your parents to the latest in modern warfare, but you may first want to have them get physicals including stress tests and be sure that their insurance covers PTSD.
Boom, baby, boom!
Crabby
DEAR CRABBY
Dear Crabby,
Recent research into cloning in order to bring back extinct
animals has taken some remarkable steps and it looks like we might soon be able to look forward to everything
from woolly mammoths to the gastric brooding frog being brought back into existence.
My father and I have been arguing on the ethics and wisdom of such projects.
How do I convince him that this is an incredible opportunity to make a mends in our short falls as stewards of the
land and animals given to us to rule? I firmly believe that we would not have
the God given talent to do these things if it was not the will of a higher being.
Sincerely,
Morally for Mammoths
Dear Mammy ,
My best advice to you in furthering your goals is to not allow your father to see Jurassic Park. You on the other hand should definitely sit down and watch it a few times.
I read the article you sent me from livescience.com and let me thank you for giving me more nightmares. Not only do we not know everything there is to know about most of the animals that went extinct more than
a couple of hundred years ago, but has it occurred to your tiny little brain that pulling a stunt like this might mean that
the next thing to go extinct is humans?
As for it being part of God's plan? You obviously haven't realized that
God has quite a sense of humor. I give you a few small examples of this in the
platypus, the difference in age when the genders reach their sexual peak, and any Hollywood marriage announced in the last
dozen years.
Send in the clones,
Crabby
DEAR CRABBY
Dear Crabby,
I’m really disappointed in SyFy channel’s recent offerings. Whatever happened to unique and interesting science fiction and fantasy based stories instead of the current overdone, unoriginal, unimaginative monster of the week matchups?
Vexed Viewer
Dear Vexed,
This requires a complex and multi-layered answer quite the antithesis of the programs they have been producing. The first and possibly most influential portion of this equation would be the dimwit that took over the running of this channel and who it is obvious has no interest in anything except making a buck as quickly and easily as possible. The second is that the fans have not made their displeasure known in the only way such a parasite understands which involves cutting off it’s supply of money. This is possibly aggravated by the substitution of the normal fans of such a channel by those who now watch it to see wrestling. Lastly, it’s made a wonderfully profitable side business for me to send in the ideas they are using which I came up with in the few minutes spent in the bathroom. I must say it’s convenient to have a source of appropriate paper on a convenient roll to send in those scripts and ideas. I’m considering if I want to offer up Octopussykat vs. Carp A. Demon or Aligaydar vs. Westboro Baptist Church. The first involves the classic mutations and the traditional camp on a lake setting while the second involves a science experiment gone wrong that creates our hero and chainsaws and pitchforks from the murderous hateful mob.
Suck it up,
Crabby.
Dear Crabby,
I’m your typical IT drone. I try to avoid socialization with the unwashed masses as much as possible announcing my techy geekdom with t-shirts and sarcasm. Despite all my best efforts there is always at least one bubbly, chipper, optimistic, former cheerleader type in the crowd who not only insists on talking to me before I’ve had my coffee, but in regaling me with strange tales of their childhood. I’ve held many jobs and always there is one of these people to contend with. I’ve noticed a strange pattern with their childhoods. They each have told me stories where time out was not called time out it was "the grumpy bear chair". Or the "silent step". My question is do you think that these nonstandard "cute" punishment names could be responsible for the overly exuberant always happy attitudes? If so how can we correct this so everyone can be unhappy on Monday's?
Steamed
Dear Steamy,
Everyone reacts to events differently. I know that I would certainly react to such condescension in addition to punishment in a violent manner, but I suppose there are other people who would have the opposite reaction. No matter the cause you can remedy this behaviour by taking a few tips from Pavlov. You’ll have to be stalwart in getting the proper response drilled into these people, but your reward should be great. I suggest carrying super strength laxatives in your pockets. Every morning when you are approached by these folks offer them a hot beverage and encourage them to sit down and share with you. Each time put in two of these laxatives and encourage their discourse until you see the panic hit their faces. Feign intense interest in keeping the conversation going and them in place until they flee. Continue this process until they twitch any time you say hello.
Soldier on Steamy,
Crabby
DEAR CRABBY
Dear Crabby,
My girls (age 5, 7 and 9) all like this show called My Little Ponies. It's pink. I try to keep up with things just to be sure my girls are safe, but now I'm seeing these "bronies" or something on line. Should I be worried? What if my daughters meet these guys and it affects their views of what is acceptable in a future husband? Shouldn’t these guys be working on their cars, doing home repairs, killing things in WOW or something more manly than watching a bunch of pastel ponies and their friends solve “dilemmas”?
Frightened Father
Dear Fraidy Cat,
Okay, I can’t lie and say that My Little Ponies is to my taste either. My nieces watch it and it drives me bonkers with all it’s saccharine sweetness, but what in the world does that have to do with gender? I think it’s admirable that you are paying attention to what your kids watch the way a proper parent should be, but really? Are you so insecure in your own “manliness” that you are intimidated by these softer side kind of guys? I bet you’re the kind of guy that watches all kinds of rough sports where half the terminology is homoerotic, they’re forever touching one another’s butts as encouragement, then they shower together afterward. In my opinion that is more suspect than a show that hides moral lessons in the guise of pretty, pretty ponies. After all it takes a real man to like what he likes and be unafraid of anyone else’s opinions. Besides, ponies can be sort of manly (in a deranged sort of way)...like this http://io9.com/5945067/gaze-upon-the-most-disturbing-my-little-pony-ever-made
So, in short get over it and stop worrying about what kind of man another guy is based on his television picks. If one of your daughters ends up with a guy who is a Bronie then figure you’ve got it easy since you’ll know what kinds of gifts to give for the wedding.
Suspiciously yours,
Crabby
Dear Crabby,
My best friend Joey wants to borrow my signed copy of Doom Pegasus number 93 (the first appearance of the Hoofmaster). He says he wants to catch up on the story, but the series is up to number 257 and issue 93 is extremely rare and valuable. I let him borrow a paperback once and he sold it at his yard sale. I let him borrow my "Best of Female Cosplay" dvd and he got wax (or something sticky) on it. I'm afraid for my comic. What should I do?
Cautious and Conflicted
Dear CC,
Just say no! Look there are some people you can count on to remember what is yours and treat it like their own or better, but even then things happen. They call these things accidents.
However, there are other people who will treat your things like their own and they treat their own stuff like crap. Still others treat their own stuff like gold, but have no concern whatsoever for anyone else’s belongings. With some of these people they only need to be gently reminded by things like a signed contract allowing you to taser them repeatedly should they not return any and all your items in pristine condition...you know, just a friendly reminder and a nudge in the right direction.
The cold hard fact though is there are some people that you could permanently damage and still not imprint on their tiny little brains that they cannot do this to your stuff. Your only recourse is to either take them out of the gene pool in a demonstration of natural selection or not to lend them your items you care at all about. If you are the kind of person that looks good in glaring orange and wants a roommate, shower mate, and boyfriend/girlfriend all in one neat package go for the first. Otherwise, stick with the second.
Cranky and Callous,
Crabby
DEAR CRABBY
Dear Crabby,
I read your column all the time and wanted to share some exciting news I’ve come across just now. There is a group called TNC that has created a Bat Cave deep in the Tennessee woods! I am so excited and can’t wait to see which of Batman’s gadgets they’ve replicated. I’ve always wanted to ride in the Batmobile! Do you think they’ll have a Bat Signal set up nearby? I’m leaving at the end of the week to travel there in hopes that they’ll allow me to participate in such a wonderful project. I hope to see you there.
Sincerely yours,
Biggest Batman Fan Ever
Dear Dingbat,
You are an idiot. TNC stands for The Nature Conservancy and the batcave that they’ve created is literally for bats to hibernate in for the winter. It is not for nutters like you to go and play with replicas of the Dark Knight's toys. The cave has been created in the hopes that they’ll be able to control the level of a fungus that is causing behavior that is ending with the bat’s deaths when they wake mid winter and fly out in search of food. They created an artificial structure that they could clean yearly to keep the fungus from reaching deadly levels. So, if you want to participate I’m sure that they’d be more than happy to hand you a shovel and let you work on the removal of the guano. Did you hear about this from people who wish to humiliate and belittle you (which I assume is anyone who meets you) or did you see an article somewhere that you just didn’t bother to read? While I certainly wish The Nature Conservancy the best of luck in their endeavor the only way you’ll see me there is if you continue with your obvious hallucinations.
Feel free to get lost in the woods!
Crabby
DEAR CRABBY
August 2012
Dear Crabby,
I recently read an article about how they've finally managed to make a diet chocolate by removing about 1/2 the fat and replacing it with fruit juice. (http://www.businessinsider.com/fruit-juice-infused-chocolate-has-half-the-fat-2012-8) Is this science fiction realized or is it simply science sucking the joy along with the fat out of one more aspect of life? Will science be our savior or our bane?
Torn Between Two Loves
Dear T-Square,
I guess it depends on how you look at it. Are you a loser who is willing to give up all pleasure in life in the pursuit of a science born utopia and likely to be found a 40 something old virgin sitting in your parent's basement humming old commercial jingles? Or are you the kind of loser who will have to be cut out of your home and removed by flatbed and crane, not because of a medical condition, but simply because you refuse to use science to your advantage in enjoying some of life's pleasures without over indulging to the point of self destruction? So, decide which kind of loser you are and have at it. I personally will be taking advantage of this low fat chocolate to eat twice as much as I could before with the same results while you explore your angst.
Get a life,
Crabby
DEAR CRABBY
June 2012
I need you to settle an argument between my friend and I as to the nature of a discovery in the Baltic Sea. I think that it is quite obvious that this is an alien spacecraft lost here on one of it’s missions to investigate the earth and its peoples. I have no doubt that we have finally found exactly the kind of vessel that the U.S. government has been hiding in Area 51 these many years only I am willing to bet that the one in the Baltic Sea is older and had been unknown to the U.S. government up until it went public or else they would have found an excuse to extract it and hid it away too.
My friend on the other hand believes it to be a long lost relic of Atlantis and insists on pointing to the “chimney like” structures covered in what they say appears to be “soot”. Obviously, this is actually the by product of either an energy source or more likely the vent for organic materials from the beings residing in the vessel. Of course, I can’t get this knucklehead to see reason about it.
Would you do us the honor of settling this debate and telling my well meaning, but misguided friend he is wrong?
Sincerely,
Space Cowboy & Donovan
Dear Space Case & Ding Dong,
Both you jack wagons are wrong. It’s obvious to me that what it is in fact a replica of the Millenium Falcon hidden under the Baltic Sea by George Lucas in the hopes of jump starting yet another movie empire since he tanked the last one with those last three lame ducks. This time he’s trying to use his previous cred from his first trilogy and mix it with the biggest movie hit he can conceive of which is why there is a ship sunk in it. Just don’t mention anything of his by name...I already pity the poor fools who tapped his secret early...although, maybe if they give it enough hype old Georgie Boy will call off his litigious hell hounds.
In the meantime you can go back to making tin foil hats and your buddy can continue saving up to get those surgically webbed feet and hands he has nocturnal emissions over.
Get a clue,
Crabby
http://www.popdecay.com/2012/06/17/ufo-ship-thought-to-rest-on-baltic-seabed/11449
DEAR CRABBY
Dear Crabby,
My friends have complained that I am technologically obsessed and have funneled most of this obsession into
having all the latest gadgets I can lay my hands on. I've never considered myself
the geeky or nerdy type...I mean I drive a cool car and have a good job with a well known firm working with their accounts. I date. I have friends. I do enjoy technology and have dabbled with creating useful items since I was in middle school. I just scored a new contract with a major car company to have them use one of my improvements on and the
combination of existing tech that I had created to help protect my bitchin' ride. I've
included a preview of my baby in action. Give it to me straight, Crabby...I'm
not really a nerd, but a free thinker and a pioneer...right?
Signed,
Charlie
Sorry, Charlie!
Not only is an obsession with technology something that throws your status into question, but man you called
your car bitchin'...and I'd bet it was a Camero, isn't it? Dude, you're an accountant...that's
a sophisticated name for a math geek. You invent things in your spare time...that
means you can't be dating too much. You're friends are obviously right. You're just gonna have to embrace what you really are I'm afraid. That being said I love your system and may have to actually look into the purchase of a car with this system.
I do have some suggestions for this new invention of yours...what about adding a spare battery designed to give an electric
shock?
Crabby
**********************************************************************************
Dear Crabby,
I've been looking for a new job for over a year. I've had numerous
interviews, but not really good offers. I have an upcoming interview with a really
good company with decent salaries and competitive benefits. Here is the catch...I
have a friend that's worked there for a while who got wind of a new policy where they company insists on all employees or
prospective employees to hand over their user name and password for all social media sites.
What do I do? I'm tired of working two lousy jobs to make ends meet and
I want to be able to live in a house with having to share and depend on 5 other people, but I just don't think that it's fair. I'm not even sure I'll get the job if they look at my pages. I need your wise advise.
Catch 22
Dear Tutu,
It isn't fair and depending on what state you live in there is legislation either recently passed or in the
works to prove it isn't legal either. If you aren't in one of these states I
suggest you find out who your local politicians are and start letting them know that you vote (or at least you'd better) and
that you don't like this and want it stopped. Some other suggestions that I can
give you are as follows. 1) Common sense should dictate that you don't put anything
online that you wouldn't want your dear sweet grandma to see, so take those pics of you and the mule in Tijuana down. 2) Tell your prospective employer that you will be happy to share your information
as soon as he or she gives you their information as well and that you'd be happy to compare them side by side. 3) Set up a
separate page and fill it with links to EEOC and ACLU pages and pics of you at various protests and rallies (you can always
Photoshop yourself into these) or 4) Grow a set and tell these smug jerks that
you don't want to work for any company that has to use such underhanded tactics.
Don't be a spineless pansy,
Crabby
DEAR CRABBY
Dear Crabby,
My friends have complained that I am technologically obsessed and have funneled most of this obsession into having all the latest gadgets I can lay my hands on. I've never considered myself the geeky or nerdy type...I mean I drive a cool car and have a good job with a well known firm working with their accounts. I date. I have friends. I do enjoy technology and have dabbled with creating useful items since I was in middle school. I just scored a new contract with a major car company to have them use one of my improvements on and the combination of existing tech that I had created to help protect my bitchin' ride. I've included a preview of my baby in action. Give it to me straight, Crabby...I'm not really a nerd, but a free thinker and a pioneer...right?
Signed,
Charlie
Sorry, Charlie!
Not only is an obsession with technology something that throws your status into question, but man you called your car bitchin'...and I'd bet it was a Camero, isn't it? Dude, you're an accountant...that's a sophisticated name for a math geek. You invent things in your spare time...that means you can't be dating too much. You're friends are obviously right. You're just gonna have to embrace what you really are I'm afraid. That being said I love your system and may have to actually look into the purchase of a car with this system. I do have some suggestions for this new invention of yours...what about adding a spare battery designed to give an electric shock?
Crabby
**********************************************************************************
Dear Crabby,
I've been looking for a new job for over a year. I've had numerous interviews, but not really good offers. I have an upcoming interview with a really good company with decent salaries and competitive benefits. Here is the catch...I have a friend that's worked there for a while who got wind of a new policy where they company insists on all employees or prospective employees to hand over their user name and password for all social media sites. What do I do? I'm tired of working two lousy jobs to make ends meet and I want to be able to live in a house with having to share and depend on 5 other people, but I just don't think that it's fair. I'm not even sure I'll get the job if they look at my pages. I need your wise advise.
Catch 22
Dear Tutu,
It isn't fair and depending on what state you live in there is legislation either recently passed or in the works to prove it isn't legal either. If you aren't in one of these states I suggest you find out who your local politicians are and start letting them know that you vote (or at least you'd better) and that you don't like this and want it stopped. Some other suggestions that I can give you are as follows. 1) Common sense should dictate that you don't put anything online that you wouldn't want your dear sweet grandma to see, so take those pics of you and the mule in Tijuana down. 2) Tell your prospective employer that you will be happy to share your information as soon as he or she gives you their information as well and that you'd be happy to compare them side by side. 3) Set up a separate page and fill it with links to EEOC and ACLU pages and pics of you at various protests and rallies (you can always Photoshop yourself into these) or 4) Grow a set and tell these smug jerks that you don't want to work for any company that has to use such underhanded tactics.
Don't be a spineless pansy,
Crabby
DEAR CRABBY
Dear Crabby,
I have an incredible collection of action figures and limited edition comics. All of them are beautifully displayed in a room I’ve custom built shelves for and put everything together with tender loving care. I have only one of the ten made Neo-Avenging Archer from the Lightening Strike comics with the bow placed in the wrong hand! I have spent my life building this collection. Now my wife is talking about the need for a guest room and how we should move all of my stuff out to make room for a bed and how it will need to be redecorated. Help! How do I explain to her what this means to me? After nine years of marriage I feel like I’ve been betrayed.
Suddenly Sullenly Saturnine
Dear Sully,
Repeat after me, “Yes, dear.” Now shut up and do as your spouse says.
Captious Crabby
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Dear Crabby,
I met a girl a few years back and we’ve taken it slow, but I’d really thought that she was the one. I had introduced her to my parents first then to some of my friends, and then the test of all tests, to my gaming group. She has even started keeping a toothbrush and some clothes at my place. The other day I showed her my office at the apartment. I was totally prepared to wow her with all my mint condition Star Wars
action figures. I have the Millenium Falcon and an X-Wing hanging from the ceiling as if engaged in battle. I have replica light sabers from both the light and the dark side. I was appalled when she actually said to me, “How wonderful! You’re kids are going to love playing with you with these. That’s so sweet that you held on to the toys you best loved as a kid.” What is she? Crazy?!?! How do I explain to this woman who had seemed perfectly rational up until now that these are not toys??? Should I just cut my loses and run now?
JarJar Me!
Dear JarJar,
What in the world is it with you boys and your toys? Because yes, they are toys. You’ve collected toys- not holy artifacts. If you’ve found someone who’s not only willing to put up with you, but also your friends, family, and gaming group you should get a ring on her finger as soon as at all possible. May I also point out that this wonderful creature has given you the benefit of the doubt that you were smart enough and caring enough to hold onto and spend your money on these items for the benefit of your offspring rather than because you’re a self indulgent idiot? If you found someone willing to breed with you and you have a kid who wants to shove a match stick in your action figures arm hole to replicate a light saber then you had better let them because that girl you found is more precious than a full time job paying above minimum wage and offering benefits even in this day and age. Stop being a baby and learn to share. Someone should smack your mamma for not teaching you that sooner.
Caviling Crabby
DEAR CRABBY
Dear Crabby,
Why doesn't my local sci-fi club accept me? I mean, isn't being on team Edward enough? I thought
there would be some sense of community here? Geeks rule now, right?
Stacy (but my name should have been Bella)
Dear Bubblehead,
They don’t accept you because they have brains and standards.
Reading a set of books or poorly executed movies centered around teenaged angst that just happens to have werewolves
and unrealistic vampires in it doesn’t count as making you a geek…just misguided.
Here are some tips: vampires do not sparkle and wimpy, whiny, angst ridden girls are not cool in any setting. Besides, Edward is a poof. If you want
teenage angst and doomed romance at least watch something good like Buffy The Vampire Slayer where the vampires are at least
demons and not cry babies.
Stay away from the cool kids table,
Crabby
Dear Crabby,
For all the "acceptance" this bout of "geek chic" seems to have brought on, there's still a lot
of crap being slung in our direction. The recent debate (if you care to call it that) in Congress about SOPA had the leaders
of the nation calling out "nerds" like it was some kind of backwards witch hunt. "Make somebody help me understand the magic
box!" What will it take to make people stop with the derogatory "nerd" label? How about "subject matter expert"?
Frustrated with Labels
Dear Nerd,
Congress can’t find it’s butt with both hands and a flashlight, so are you really surprised
that they’re whining for help or that they can’t understand how the internet works? As for calling yourself a subject matter expert? Yeah, no
you are a nerd. Stop hurting the cause and man up. Embrace it. Own it! Make other people revere it!!! Now, stop bugging me and go
back to alphabetizing your mixed media collection of fandom tributes.
Suck it up,
Crabby
Dear Crabby,
My husband and I are madly in love and have been for the last 5 years, but for Valentine’s
Day last year he got me a box set of those jokes Lucas passed off as the latest Star Wars Trilogy in Blue Ray. He knows that I hate Episodes I – III. He knows that
I think that they should never have messed with the perfection of the originals. Han
shot first! He likes the reworked originals and those blasphemous after thoughts. For Christmas he got me a Jar – Jar Binks hat instead of the classic Dr. Who
scarf I had asked for. For my birthday he got me a copy of Independence Day,
a movie he loves, instead of the newest Star Trek movie like I asked for. His
excuse? “Yeah, but it’s got Brent Spinner in it! You loved Data.” Now while I do like Independence Day
and Brent Spinner I am sick to death of him trying to convince me that what he likes is what I need. I don’t want to permanently damage him, but I’m not sure how to break my other wise perfect
hubby of this annoying habit. What suggestions can you offer?
Cranky in Clevland
Dear Cranky,
First and foremost let me just say you’re my kinda girl.
Not only do you obviously have good taste and sense you also see the value in a flawed, but other wise good guy. Training a spouse can be tricky. You
don’t want to discourage good behavior along with bad and you don’t want to send them crying back to their mammas. In the case of your misguided mule I suggest you simply even the playing field instead
of trying to coach him out of this little annoyance. Use it as the perfect excuse
instead. Buy yourself whatever you want that he doesn’t like for every
holiday you can think of and then use it. He’ll either eventually stop
or it won’t matter because you’ll get everything you want just the same.
No ugly fights, no fussing, no worries and love will once again reign supreme.
Happy VD to you both!
Work smarter not harder,
Crabby
DEAR CRABBY
Dear Crabby,
Why do people seem to feel the need to change things just for the sake of making it different/prettier/more
modern instead of saving changes for the functional? I am sick to death of my
web browser, email, and social networks being changed for not really good reason every time I start getting used to the last
stupid changes they made. What makes me most mad is that I get no choice in the
matter. If they make a way to keep things the same it always seems to be temporary. Either they automatically force you over to the change after a set amount of time
or the fix they give you needs to be reset constantly. It’s beyond irritating.
Sincerely Yours,
Fuming Over Fiddling
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Dear Fumey,
Why do people feel the need to whine and complain? The world is full of
unanswered phenomena. Change is one of those things that people seem to
both insist on and fear at the same time. While I agree that change just for
the sake of change is stupid, annoying, and a waste of time so are most of the letters I get and yet it keeps people in a
job. Changes at the places you mention (or any place) have that same effect. It’s also next to impossible to get any decent ideas or feedback from the mouth
breathing population that utilize 90% of these things in order to make positive and necessary change…don’t even
get me started on how the “boss” is always asking for changes and innovations for even the most perfect product. Welcome to dealing with the human species. Don’t
like it? Move off planet. Otherwise
put a sock in it. Personally? I
love things like Facebook and Google+…if it weren’t for that sluggish cerebral stew I wouldn’t have nearly
so many examples of stupidity or turds to polish into the gems you root around for at my feet.
DEAR CRABBY
Dear Crabby,
My
best friend is crazy about geeky little gadgets he can play with at work. His
cube is full of all kinds of kitch...rubber band catapults, a mini nerf gun, ninja throwing star push pins, etc., etc., etc.,
ad nauseum. Here is the thing though. Somehow
he’s missed the ever so awesome Bucky Balls. I know, I don’t understand
how either! I really want to make his Christmas special as he’s been just
a great guy in my life for so many years. So, now what I need advice on is if
I should get him the regular Bucky Balls or the newest
version which are blue?
Yours,
Stumped
Dear Stumpy,
Did
you really just ask me if you should give your friend blue balls for Christmas? I
think you are a horrible friend to have let your friend go without giving him balls of some sort or another before now if
you had that in your power. He obviously has been missing this
desperately needed accoutrement for all of his life because if he had them he wouldn’t need all that other
crap you listed him trying to fill the void that is obviously his life and yet you let him suffer. Absolutely, give your friend blue balls for Christmas...it is a gift that keeps on giving after all.
You’re
an idiot,
Crabby
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Dear Crabby,
I need
your advice on how to handle a delicate situation. My best friend who was also
the best man at my wedding is recently separated. His wife left him just about
a year ago and we’ve tried to help him through the holidays by having him join our family gatherings. The problem is that he makes my wife’s family uncomfortable in his zeal to be a part of things. At Thanksgiving he offered to carve the turkey, but then he produced a Dr. Who
electric knife designed to have a handle that looked like a sonic screw driver and then
pretended the whole time that the turkey was a Dalek that he was dismantling.
Last year at Christmas he wore his Mr. Spock Santa hat and insisted that everyone sit on his lap to receive his Christmas
present. Grandma almost fainted when he grabbed her and hoisted her onto his
lap and all he could say was that she should stop being so illogical. I want
to be there for my best friend, but I’ve been unable to persuade him to tone things down a bit around the
relatives. Should I continue to be Santa’s little helper
or must I be the Grinch who stole Christmas?
Sincerely,
Between
a rock and a hard place
Dear Rock,
The
way I see it you have one of two paths you can take. One is to get the relatives
all liquored up before bringing your friend over...that way they won’t even notice.
I have a killer eggnog recipe involving lighter fluid. The other is that
you can keep your friend away from the nice normal people and make it a more intimate celebration with just your wife, yourself,
and your friend. I’m making the assumption that your wife doesn’t
mind because she’s still married to you. If you happen to have any other
friends I’m sure they are as
misguided as your friend is and should be happy enough in his company.
Then you could have a social situation...sad and demented, but social. A
third option has just occurred to me. You may also be able to purchase the Yoda
Santa Claus hat and simply tell your friend that he is not allowed to touch anyone or anything without using the force to
do so. This should keep him busy and out of trouble.
Apathetically
yours,
DEAR CRABBY
You’ve worked me to my wits end, so I’ve taken a few weeks off to recover from the endless tumult of your pleading for my attention and guidance in your pathetic lives. During my sabbatical my cousin Scabby has been foolish enough to take on the chore of untangling your twisted minds. I’ll share my generous nature again when or rather if I return.
Caustically Yours,
Crabby
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I’ve created a zombie to go along with my themed Halloween costume of Comic star Lance Lazerton Zombie Slayer! I have two problems that I need your advice on. The first is how to keep the stench from my zombie down to a bearable level until I get him to the party and slay him. The second is how to deal with my best friend’s obnoxious other best friend who has been ragging me that my costume choice is lame. He’s always trying to show me up and he’s going as that new TV character Dirk Deadly the supernatural demon slayer. Where as Lance is a classic this Dirk character is a blatant rip off of Lance’s originality. Can you offer some suggestions?
Hopefully Yours,
Shambling for Answers
Dear Shambles,
I’ll address zombie hygiene first; cleaning products are your friends. If it were Christmas I would suggest scrubbing your zombie down with a toilet brush on a long stick soaked in Pine Sol. Since it’s Halloween you could just go with straight bleach and then a quick douse with Cinnamon scented mouthwash. Yes, some flesh will be removed with the brush...it’s worth it and since Halloween is right around the corner how much flesh do you really need your zombie to have? As for your second issue I will offer a solution that should help with something you may not have considered the need to take care of before you and your shambling prop make your appearance at the party as well as riding you of your foe. You should feed your zombie well before taking them to the party to make them a bit more tenable. I suggest allowing the zombie to have your rival as a quick snack before taking him amongst nummy partygoers. It’s bound to be a light snack since everyone knows that Lance could kick Dirk’s butt any day of the week.
Don’t fall to pieces,
Scabby
Dear
Scabby,
I’m torn. I want to do my pumpkin this year with the Star Wars push kit, but I can’t decide between
Yoda and Darth. Both sets are very cool and super easy to use since the pieces just push into the pumpkin like it was a giant
orange Mr. Potatohead. Who’s cooler Darth or Yoda?
Desperate to Decorate
Dear Desperate,
I think that the
whole cool factor for Darth and Yoda depends on your own personal goals and philosophies. Do you want to crush your enemies,
rule by fear, bend people to your will all while sounding like an obscene phone call or would you rather guide and encourage
people’s growth and sense of oneness with the universe while talking in backward broken English and riddles? For my
money go with Darth for the Halloween scare because any house where the person opening the door is more or less panting at
me scares the pants off me.
Cooler than you,
Scabby
(http://www.rebelscum.com/photo.asp?image=http://www.rebelscum.com/2011/TCW-Yoda-Pumpkin-Pushin.jpg)
DEAR CRABBY
I have found that one of my gaming group has done the unthinkable yet inevitable. She’s brought a boyfriend who’s never played before into our game and he’s totally ruining it for me. She’s one of our best players and really brings a lot to the game...or at least she did until she also started bringing Todd the jock with her. Now not only does she spend more time flirting with him than paying attention to the game, but she’s also got her character catering to his. He never played before and to make things easier we got him set up to play a Barbarian Beserker. We figured that the “smash it!” type character shouldn’t be too hard for a guy who plays football and wrestles for fun. Unfortunately, we were all too right. He ruins the Rogues back stabs by running into every situation screaming. he ruins the bards negotiations by beating up everyone who he can get his hands on, he ruins the wizards spells by doing stupid things like asking him what he’s doing while he’s casting a spell or poking him “to make sure he’s okay”. He thinks it’s funny and she things it’s cute. I think it’s maddening. What can I do to help her understand how disruptive this cretin is? When I tried to carefully bring it up with her she suggested that I’m jealous!
At my wits end,
Dear Witless,
So, how long have you been in love with your fellow player? It’s always hard to bring in someone new in a group where the dynamic already works. Friction isn’t unusual. It’s also a crap shoot when you play with someone who is completely new to role playing. Either they bring a refreshing perspective uncluttered by gaming cliches and preconceived notions of how it has to be or they are clueless idiots who can’t grasp which end of a glaive to hold even after it’s severed their fingers. I would suggest that rather than approaching your gaming buddy that you try to make a buddy of your girls boyfriend. Take him out for a beer, try speaking his language to explain the situation, and if all else fails get the other players to help you knee cap him in the alley outside the bar. Come on! Use your head...and you call yourself a gamer? I bet you play the elf.
Grow a pair,
Crabby
DEAR CRABBY
Dear Crabby,
Aliens are coming to take me away...and I want to go! My family, friends, and co-workers all think I'm crazy...but I am thrilled at a more advanced society coming for me. Me!!! Surely this is because they see my superior character, intelligence and psyche. I am open to this new experience where so many others seem to cower in fear. What can I say to comfort the people in my life and help them to understand?
Sincerely,
Unobstructed to being abducted
Dear Obstructed,
Those aren't your friends they're your therapists and care staff and they need to increase your Lithium dosage...and your trying to tell me you hold down a job? Where?!?! I need to know so that I can avoid it...unless of course you work for the government in which case I'm not sure it will actually impact the quality of your work anyway. If aliens are coming for you it sounds like what they are looking for is an example of the malformed human mind and you’re an easy catch. If you want to comfort the people in your life then either stop talking nonsense or if the aliens really do come for you simply say goodbye.
Crabby
Dear Crabby,
I am a man who walks in two worlds. I am both an electronic and tabletop gamer. Unfortunately, this creates a double problem in my life. Both of these hobbies leave me stationary for long periods of time and I've noticed a disturbing side effect to this in the current climate that summer brings. I'm talking about sweaty bum syndrome. It's hard enough to meet girls when your time is as limited as mine is, but when you couple that with the often present symptoms of S.B.S. it narrows the chances to the lowest of low and attracts only the kind of women I don't want to meet. I suppose an adult diaper would cure the embarrassing show of wetness on my backside, but the smell wouldn't be much helped. Powder just eventually turns into pasty soup. I tried a roll on antiperspirant, but they just don't seem to be strong enough to do the trick either. Can you help me, Crabby?
Swampy in the hot seat
Dear Swampy,
No … no, I cannot. However, may I direct you to some of the hero's of our geeky little world for their wisdom? First Nathan Fillion (that would be Capt. Mal Reynolds aka Capt. Tight Pants of Firefly & Serenity) has a lovely public service announcement addressing exactly this sort of thing. It can be found here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCf9M5GsDSs and is full of helpful advice. Then today the lovely Claudia Christian ( Susan Ivanova on Babylon 5) shared the secret of anti-monkey butt powder with her friends on Facebook. I'm afraid you have to be a member of Facebook to see that one, but I understand that the powder itself is available at drugstores and online. So, while I still believe you are beyond help and that you need to stay firmly out of my reach the stars you support are here to support you back.
Thoroughly disgusted by you,
Crabby
DEAR CRABBY
Summer Extravaganza!
Dear Crabby,
I'm at my wit's end! I get no respect and it seems like nobody understands me. I have to program everybody's DVR, absolutely no one understands my sense of style, and why can't anyone (just once) put my books back in alphabetical order like I had them darn it! Should I try harder, give up, or move to a deserted mountaintop with only satellite to connect me to the world?
Hopeless Egghead
Dear Egghead,
Okay, so your understanding of things technical makes you a geek. Your sense of style gets you labeled a dweeb. Your obsessive organization marks you as a nerd. Really, what's so great about fitting in anyway? If you feel the need to move away from all of humanity believe that I understand that all too well. However, if you're going to do that make sure you do it for your own desire to be away from the mouth breathing unwashed masses and not because you've bought into their delusions about how you should be. Newsflash, dweeb! Nobody will ever really like you if you don't like yourself first. I haven't even met you and I don't like you, so trust me on this. That doesn't mean you should hide your LED under a basket though. No! By all means go on with your alphabetizing, subcategorizing, tech tinkering, pocket protector wearing bad self. You go boy! (I can only assume your male because a female would have simply eaten a gallon of ice cream while she plotted her revenge and said to hell with everyone.)
____________________________________________________________
Dear Crabby,
I know that this may sound like some crazy phantasy, but I think that a ghost is watching me in my shower! It's horrible. When I close my eyes it's like I can feel these invisible eyes boring into me. This is a time and a place for one of the days most intimate moments and I feel like there is some spectral voyeur intruding. My soap, razor, shampoo and loofa will move around when I'm not looking. Going from where I put them down to another place in the shower while I'm rinsing or washing my hair or face. I have no peace anymore and I feel violated. Help me?
Yours,
Haunted
Dear Haunted,
Don't drop the soap.
DEAR CRABBY
Dear Crabby,
I’m frustrated by the lack of knowledge that the so-called experts on panels at my favorite conventions
seem to have. There are massive holes in their knowledge of the most basic subjects. These people are only slightly better than the people put in place as moderator for
these discussions. Usually this position is also run by a “professional”
of one type or another supposedly related to the topic. Another thing I find
frustrating is that it is supposed to be a discussion and yet all these glory hogs want to do is ramble and self promote without
allowing those of us in the audience who so obviously know more to speak our minds.
What can I do to improve these panels?
Mr. Participation
Dear Mr. Disruption,
When the first words you speak from the audience of a panel start with “It’s more of a comment really than a question...” the rest of us know that you are the harbinger of doom to all joy that might have been had in listening to intelligent people speak. I have sat through countless presentations and panels with you; sir and I dread and detest you. That so called knowledge that you have consists of an overblown sense of self, wrapped up in ill thought out opinions. I know you because you’re the clod who spends more time talking over the speakers than listening or allowing anyone else to listen to them. You are the buffoon who thinks that they know everything and most of it comes from fabricated television, movies and books. The moderators spend more time trying to politely get you to shut up than they do in directing the panel. The guest speakers spend more time being side tracked by your incessant incoherent rambling than they do directing their energies to the topics at hand. So, in answer to your question of what you can do to improve these panels I tell you that you can either learn to control yourself and remain silent or you can stay away. Go play in traffic before one of the rest of us blow a gasket and ruins the right to wear weapons so long as peace bonded.
DEAR CRABBY
Dear Crabby,
My
archenemy is a hard-core physics fanatic while I myself enjoy the theories, but lack the ability to excel at this art because
of weak math skills. My strength lies in my literary skills and vast knowledge
of media. I can recite over 200 classic sci-fi and fantasy movies from beginning
to end and have an almost encyclopedic knowledge of books published in the last 50 years with regards to both genres. I also fluently speak both elvish and Klingon with a smattering of Dwarvish for good
measure. Bob and I compete in everything...we take turns running games for our
group, we both have entered and won at different times both gaming and costuming tournaments at conventions, and of course
there are the ladies.
There
is a new procedure being tested by scientists in Britain at the Universities of Oxford and College London where they apply
transcranial direct current to stimulate the neurons in the right parietal cortex. This
is a non-invasive procedure and I believe that I can recreate it safely in my own home.
The benefits of increased learning of numerical symbols are shown to last six months.
Here is my question...do you think that I would gain enough of an edge on Bob if I chose to recreate these experiments
in my own home and take up the mantle of education again to improve my mathematical knowledge?
Yours,
Shocked
Dear Shocked,
I
think you should absolutely hook yourself up to current...the higher the voltage the better.
Further more I think you should grab Bob (literally) and have him join in on the fun.
Math isn't your only weak skill set...I see that logic and reality also seem to escape you. At worst the two of you may fry your man bits and take yourself out of the gene pool and at best you'll
take yourselves out of your miserable existences and the lives of others all together.
A little harmless competition has its place, but clearly this is all you and presumably Bob do. The rest of your "friends" probably don't want to mention it and hurt your feelings, or more likely have
and you've both been too thick to take the hint despite your supposedly high IQ's, but what they undoubtedly want you to know
is that your constant one ups-man-ship is obnoxious and annoying. Oh, and the
ladies? Most women find men constantly doing that sort of thing boring and boorish. The only ones who delight in that sort of drek are the ones with such poor self-esteem
that they will take any interest they can get even when it places them as an object to be had rather than as a person to be
valued.
So,
in short crank up the juice and stop bugging the rest of the world. You two may
be intelligent in your chosen obsessions, but your idiots in the grand scheme of things.
Thoroughly
Grounded,
DEAR CRABBY
I was recently surfing the web when I was shocked and appalled to come across pictures of myself and a few friends on a cos-play fail site from a con we’d attended months ago. I’m devastated. We put a lot of time and effort into our costumes and the people at the con were very supportive. I feel as if my privacy...no, my very self has been violated! I’m not sure if I can show my face at the con again after this...betrayal. I just don’t know how to handle this. Help! Here is the page I found myself on...I share my humiliation only to help you craft your response.
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&biw=1017&bih=604&site=search&tbm=isch&sa=1&q=cosplay+fail&aq=f&aqi=g1g-m7&aql=&oq=
Don’t let the dress fool you, dude.
Dear Dress Dude,
God, are you a drama queen. Dude, it’s a con!!! There is no privacy at a con...some times not even in your own hotel room. If you are so worried about what people would think or say why in the world did you dress up in the first place? Believe me that there were people at the con who were laughing at you and still applauding your effort, creativity, or just plain balls...depending on which guy in the dress you were, that may even have been literal. It may also be that your ‘very self’ could easily have been violated in said dress. Thank God that I can touch type. I may be permanently blind! Maybe if you feel that you can’t show your face you should wear a full mask next time...and pants. I wouldn’t skip the con though...you’d be robbing lots of us of the entertainment.
Sightlessly yours,
Crabby
PS~ Underwear might also be a good idea!
DEAR CRABBY
DEAR CRABBY,
How do you deal with an arrogant, self important, talentless hack who’s hijacked your favorite series? Someone who not only was never meant to be the driving force behind the continuation of a spectacular set of characters in an amazing world, but who is completely incompetent and knows nothing about what the original creator established. I hate this man with a passion I cannot describe and can only hope that he suffers a million horrible deaths burning in the fiery pits of hell. I fantasize about cutting off his fingers so that he can no longer taint the beautiful creation of a true artist with his pathetic attempts at stepping into shoes he’ll never fill with his anemic and uninspired drek. I’ve warned him repeatedly by mail, email, and on any place I find him on the net that if he doesn’t stop his evil ways I will make him pay. I’ve enlisted my friends to help me in the crusade to rid the once pristine ideal in fantasy of his vile corruption. We’ve waged a war on his every promotional event and sabotaged everything he puts on the web, but still he insists on fouling a once beautiful and perfect creation. What more can we do?
Righteously Indignant
Dear Ridiculously Ignorant,
What more can you do? Turn yourself into the police at once. I would certainly do it, if you haven’t got the equipment or the wherewithal to send this in anonymously, as you’ve undoubtedly done with every stunt that you’ve pulled on the poor guy that you’ve targeted to harass. I barely even know where to start with you. You don’t like the guys stuff? Great! Don’t buy it. Don’t go to any of his events. Tell your friends why they shouldn’t either. That is your absolute right. However, when you start threatening people and deliberately ruining things that they’ve put time, money, and/or effort into you are no longer within your rights. You are a stalker at best and a terrorist at worst. I suspect that what you are more than anything is a self important bully boy with a little appendage and an even smaller brain who has delusions that he should decide for all the world what is good for them...have you ever considered starting your own church? I don’t know if I should bother to give you the warning or not, but one of these days you’re going to threaten the wrong person and they’re going to kick the living daylights out of you and send you home with your tail between your legs and your teeth in a bag. You are a disgrace to our community and to humanity in general. Where do you get off deciding what someone else can and can’t do? How dare you try to decide for me what should be available for me to consume? You’re pathetic in so many ways I don’t think that I have the space here to address them all. If you were a worth while human being you’d put all that time, energy and your so called passion into making this world a better place. Go rescue some puppies and kittens, feed hungry people, build homes for people who have none, muster books for kids to learn to read, deliver meals to shut ins...anything, but stop being the pustulous boil you are on the butt of humanity. You suck.
Belligerently yours,
Crabby
DEAR CRABBY
Dear Crabby,
I'm beside myself! I've been waiting for the next
book from a handful of my favorite authors and now not one, not two, but three of them have left me hanging. I'm a devoted fan who buys the latest hardcover for each of these authors as a pre-order each time they
release a book. I wait for a year or more on average in between books just to
see what they'll do next. Do I get rewarded by an increase in frequency of publishing? No! Instead I get delays. The deals are
already in place for their series, so what gives? I don't know what's worse the
companies dragging their feet over details or the writers just not putting the time in to get me the story I pay good money
to them for. What can we loyal fans do to get what we need without having to
wait on the whims of these tyrants?
Impatiently Waiting
Dear Impatient,
Fortunately for you I am not the one beside you. Loyal
fan? Really? You could have fooled
me. Don't get me wrong...I too have felt the "I want it now!" temperament of
my inner two year old while waiting for the next book of my favorite author to come out.
I suspect that is as close to having something in common as you and I shall ever get.
The key difference here is that I don't actually rant, rave, and throw a fit like a two year old. I have the ability to reason that these are people just like (some) of the rest of us and that this is
their job not a divine calling from God that they should devote their whole being to.
What I'm trying to say is they, unlike you, have a life bozo. Maybe family,
friends, commitments other than to meet your every "need". I realize that you
probably still live in your folks basement and don't actually have a job, because if you did you would understand that the
people you work for can pretty much change their minds when ever they feel like it and you don't get to do jack about it because
they pay you and not the other way around. As for what you pay them for think
about this...when you buy a ticket to see the premier of a movie what do you get afterward?
An imperfect memory of two hours of your life, sticky soles, and if you pay extra some stale popcorn. No what do you get when you buy a book as soon as it comes out? You
get hours of enjoyment reading the story the author took the time to craft for you, you get something you can lend to friends
(or on the off chance you ever manage to breed to your children) so that not only can they enjoy it, but you can talk about
it and get even more entertainment from it, and you have something to hold onto for the rest of your life if you take care
of it. So stop your whining, selfish, self-centered blathering and try taking
the time in between books to work on some self improvement or at the very least for another author to read in between.
Suck it up sucker,
Crabby
DEAR CRABBY
Dear Crabby,
I waited more than 20 years for a sequel to one of my favorite movies. I've finally seen it, and
I'm feeling a bit let down. Is this Hollywood's fault or mine?
Eric
******************************************************
Dear Eric,
Unless you really are a half a beast the fault is probably not yours in this case… although,
I'm sure that you're to blame for plenty of other disappointments in your life. You're
only off the hook in this case because Hollywood is filled with a bunch of lazy, uninspired, small minded, greedy, money grubbing,
talentless schmucks. The current trend in Hollywood is to produce amazing two
minute mini-movies that they then sell to the general public with the notion that the one hundred and eighteen minutes of
artless slop that they surround those mini-movies with (they call them trailers) are worth the small fortune they ask you
to pay to see. At this point save your money and watch the trailers for free
online. On the other hand if you are a Star Wars fan and didn't learn your lesson
from George Lucas on why nobody should anticipate a film 20 years after they made something good then perhaps you got exactly
what you deserved for not paying attention.
Stop wasting your money,
Crabby
Dear Crabby
Dear Crabby,
Please help me! I've been trying to find Mr. Right every where. I've tried panels at cons on how to meet people and dating. I've signed up for every potluck meet and greet at local library, book club, and amateur astronomers group. I've even signed up for Trek Passions to meet the man of my dreams. Nothing. Every guy to ask me out is a complete dud. So far I've found a polymer physicist who was into chains, a guy who fancied himself Kurt G
ödel and kept trying to check the consistency of my bum, and one tried to talk me back to his place to check out his astronomic unit...which he bragged was huge, of course. Where are all the nice guys with a brain?Yours,
Desperately Dating
*********************************************************************
Dear Desperate,
First, quit whining. You've been on at least three dates and are therefore ahead of curve compared to most of the people in the circles you seem to be running in. Second, have you tried finding a guy your interested in and just Vulcan nerve pinching him instead of wasting all this time waiting for guys to ask you out? When all else fails lower your standards. If you can't find a nice guy with a brain start with a nice guy and tutor him or start with a smart guy and use a shock collar until you have him trained to be well behaved. You may also want to reconsider binding yourself to the polymer physicist even if he is kind of quarky...after all you know what they say...it's only kinky the first time.
Crabby
Dear Crabby
Dear Crabby,
I love to go to cons, but I despair at the ever present funk of the unwashed masses I inevitably encounter there. In the warm weather cons the heat is to blame they say. In the cold weather packed rooms with the heat cranked up to keep lobby areas warm are the culprits. What can the rest of us do to end this olfactory offending assault once and for all? Plainly stated it stinks to go to a con and encounter people who either don’t
bathe or bathe in a scent that only rides the beastly B.O. that floats around them like a miasma...what exactly is it about
patchouli anyway?!?! Please, please...I beg of you! What can one do to end the rein of terror?
Sincerely,
Sick of Odor
* * *
Dear Sick-O,
I could suggest that if you can beat your way through the odoriferous perimeters of such individuals you might try
decorating them like a giant Christmas tree with those shiny new plastic air fresheners that are
currently all the rage to hang from your rear-view mirror...you know the ones...there are
dolphins, cherries, baby Jesus’, etc. This would be a two fold solution as the shiny bits would act to amuse and distract most of them and the
sheer tackiness of the items would visually warn away anyone from getting close enough to be effected
by what they didn’t disguise with their unnatural natural scents. Face
it no pine tree ever smelled like the pine tree air fresheners you buy. You could
take a long handled push broom, buckets for water, and lots of liquid soap with you and just run a human car wash through
the con. You should have this affair rove about the con seemingly at random
and tell people things like it’s a Klingon cleansing ceremony, disguise a shower as a British call
box and tell them they need to hide from the Dalek that’s about to round the corner, that the broom is a portkey and
the like. You could also always just have your sense of smell disconnected by
a surgeon. Swag is another suggestion because we all know that everyone loves
swag! Freebies go faster at a Scifi/Fantasy convention
than morals at a political convention. Hand out free bars of soap marked as special
tricorders to be in contact with the body and water for a special reading on your personal “cool factor”. Wrap them up as the special preparations companions such as Inara and their guests
use. Tell them that they’re all the rage in
Best of luck sucker,
Crabby
September 2010
Dear Crabby
Dear Crabby,
I need your advice. I am a big fan of all things Sci-Fi and Fantasy.
I am very active in both communities and frequently go to group events that allow me to dress as my favorite characters
such as Frodo, Jar-Jar Binks, and Harry Potter…the ladies are particularly fond of the last one, but keep trying to
dress me in a school girl outfit and make up. I keep trying to impress them with
my impressions of Jar-Jar when he’s reaching across the table for fruit and I’ve offered many a girl a peek at
my precious, but to no avail. What can I do to get the girls to open up Rivendale
to me? I’m all ready on my end. I’ve
even got my Princess Lea slave costume ready for the lucky girl who’ll let me impress her with my mighty light saber. My parent’s have given me the garage as an apartment and I have my own entrance
and my pizza delivery job pays for a bitchen ’86 Dodge Omni. I just don’t
understand why none of the girls I know will take me seriously.
Desperately yours,
Forlorn Love
Lorn
Dear Lorny,
These girls have
no doubt that you are serious…a serious loser. That is why they’ve
wisely chosen to resist your overwhelming charm. Do you seriously ask girls if
hey want a peek at your “precious”? It’s a wonder you don’t
have a permanent handprint on your face. Look, many of the girls that are sure
to be revolving in your circles are likely to be well read, intelligent, and perceptive.
Which means the only chance you’ll continue to have with your current shtick is with the ones intent on getting
Harry Potter’s hairy bottom under their wands. If that’s your thing
I say go for it. On the other hand if you don’t want to spend the rest
of your life bent over the sorcerer’s stone I suggest that you make some serious changes. First, stop trying to be your favorite character. Try being
you. Girls love a fixer upper, so chances are if you don’t appear unsalvageable
then some poor twit will eventually take up the challenge. Second, if all you’re
looking for is somewhere to sheath your light saber a girl is going to know and if that’s all they want they’ll
have better prospects than you. Try finding a girl you genuinely are interested
in and talk to her. If you bumble like an idiot it can even be passed off as
endearing if you listen to what she tells you about herself and don’t spend the whole time staring down her cleavage. Third, get a real job, a real car, and a real place to live…in that order. Finally, if all else fails lower your standards and hope she will too. Take heart, as I believe there is ultimately someone for everyone, even a At-At turd like you. She may be a half blind and slightly impaired troglodyte, but losers can’t be choosers.
Keep believing
in miracles.
Crabby
Dear Crabby
Dear Crabby,
Help!
I think I’m in love with the hero of the Night Crier series…. Dirk Knightley is soooo dreamy! The only problem
is that my feelings for Dirk are ruining my relationship with my real life boyfriend Ted. I do love Ted, but he just
can’t compare with Dirk. They both have dark hair and eyes and pale white skin, but where Dirk’s is like
porcelain Ted’s is more that pasty white you get from sitting in your parent’s dark dank basement playing video
games all day. I have fun with Ted when we’re together, but I always find my thoughts drifting to Dirk and what
he would do if he were with me. I feel torn between two men. What do I do?
Love’s Beast of Burden
Dear Beast,
Run.
Do not walk to seek professional help and value packs of Lithium! What in the world is wrong with you, you misguided
mental moron? Dirk Knightley would never have anything to do with the pathetic likes of you for reasons too numerous
to name, the least of which is- he isn’t real!!! Ted has obviously taken pity on you and tried to give you something
to live for…unless you’ve been imagining he’s real too or worse he’s not so much your boyfriend as
the victim of your delusional stalking? What would Dirk do if he were with you? Probably drain you dry and turn
your worthless carcass into a piece of macabre art. Heck, that almost makes me wish he were real despite how
horrid that series of slurry really is. Get some taste and get a clue. Ask
that psychiatrist I hope you’re dialing right now, to write prescriptions for extra strong doses of both.
Frightened by your stupidity,
Crabby
Dear Crabby,
I recently went to see a guest speaker at a local convention. We’d been discussing his book at my local fan group and I was excited to hear more from him. While I was there one of my group members made the experience very uncomfortable. He interrupted the speaker’s answers, had a story to share at the speaker’s
every comment (not all of these stories tied in with what the speaker was discussing and most were a bit rambling), and generally
seemed oblivious to any social cues offered by the speaker or other guests. I
don’t think my group mate is aware of the inappropriateness of his actions. How
do I address his behavior without hurting his feelings?
Aggravated Fanboy
Dear Aggy,
First off beware that bad manners seem to spread like
a social disease and the best way to handle them in my opinion is to nip this in the bud quickly. Your associate is obviously oblivious and needs to be reminded of good manners. Since locking a shock collar around other people and zapping them every time they are annoying will get
you brought up on assault charges (take my word for this) I won’t ask if you have a taser. However, in the interest of continuing to have quality speakers willing to come to your local convention,
I suggest you do get this person on a short leash. I will also assume that since
you’re so concerned about his feelings you won’t want to address him in front of others either at the convention or at one of your group meetings by shouting “Hey, booger brain keep your loser
mouth shut and stop embarrassing us!” Working from these theories I can
only assume you are a spineless worm and would honestly prefer someone else take the heavy burden of helping this lost soul. Since I have no idea if anyone else you associate with
has a set adequate to the job and I’m certainly not coming to your events, I can only suggest that have this person
abducted by ninjas and smuggled out of the country. If that doesn’t suit
you, then you, yourself could move someplace less populated, where this could be less of a concern like- the
Best of luck wimp,
Crabby
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