Today, my cousin Zoe and her husband Ro (yes, Zoe and Ro) are celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary.  Firstly, I have to offer them some very heartfelt congratulations.  This is a very special and momentous occasion, and it’s not often that you get to celebrate with someone something as special as 25 years of marriage.

Although I think they would both be the first to tell you that is has not exactly been 25 years of bliss (everyone has their ups and downs), the fact they have been together for so long is amazing, although not exactly surprising.

Zoe is my cousin and my Godmother.  She was always the trailblazer in my family, given that she is the oldest – umm, I meant to say elder – of the 10 cousins on my mother’s side of the family.  She is the one that bridged the gap between the aunts and uncles and the ‘kids’.  And she is the one that took me under her wing and made sure that I learned not only from her mistakes and failures, but also from the mistakes and failures of everyone else. I guess that was the advantage I had of being second to last of the bunch. “No, really. You go first. I’ll just sit back and learn.”

Zoe is, by nature, a nurturer.  She has a gift that allowed her to apply her soft approach to my problems and always let me find the solution.  She never told me what to do, but rather pointed me in the right direction and let me find the answers on my own.  As I grew older, and bolder, we did not always see eye to eye.  But we always knew that our differences of opinion were exactly that, and nothing could ever break the bond we have had quite literally all my life.

In Ro I always found intellect and forward thinking.  He is one of the 5 smartest people I have ever met personally.  And as ambitious and professionally aggressive as he can be, he is the one that taught me that managing is always about people first.  The biggest responsibility you have as a manager is that you are in a position to affect people’s lives.  And that is nothing to take lightly.

Zoe and Ro provided so much for me, from grade school through high school and into college.  They were always a source of knowledge, entertainment and, on more than one occasion, money. I also told them both this morning they have always been an inspiration to me, and their milestone achievement should be an inspiration to everyone else.  It should serve as a reminder that even though life is not always ice cream and apple pie, genuine love endures. And it is this love that makes everything better and worthwhile.

Congratulations again, Zoe and Ro.  I love you both very much, and I owe so much of who I am and where I am to you.  May the next 25 be as beautiful and romantic and rewarding as the first 25 have been.

I downloaded Sister Hazel’s acoustic EP of their Lift CD last night.  What is it about acoustic versions of songs that just make them better?  I love acoustic music.  MTV Unplugged was the best show that network ever produced.

 

Anyways, there is something about listening to an acoustic version of a song that makes the song stand out.  It’s as if the lyrics become more poetic.  As if the humor and wit that is interwoven into the song is more evident. In essence, the song is more beautiful than ever before.

 

And there is something very beautiful about this Sunday morning.  I grabbed my iPod, selected my recently acquired set of songs and took my dog for a walk.  It’s a crisp 65 degrees and the skies are sunny and clear.  The morning is full of potential and the rest of the day is ahead of me.  I am thinking of getting back and getting my kids ready to go fishing.  I am thinking of perhaps a motorcycle ride after I drop them off later this afternoon.  I am thinking of maybe drinks with friends later tonight.  Just beautiful.

 

I am thinking of the past couple of days and all the small, and not so small, beautiful things that have filled my recent memories.  It’s lunch with buddies as we plan the final details of our upcoming big trip.  And just so that we’re clear, Larry …….. NO SHOTS!  It’s IHOP at 12:30 in the AM and the ironic juxtaposition of our waiter. It’s the Starbucks that’s 10 miles out of the way, and worth every extra minute to get there.  Not unlike acoustic music, it’s seeing (or hearing) something in a different way.  Although it’s very familiar or well known, it’s still very new and inspiring and ……. beautiful.

 

For a while I felt like the guy in the SH song Another Me.  “I'm waiting for another me / One that can change the pain of yesterday / Carry me through another day / And I'm waiting for another me / One in between the burn / And the lessons learned / 'Cause being me ain't no way to be”.  But I think one of the secrets in life is to find the beauty that is in the little things.  It’s the everyday stuff, both experienced and yet to be shared, that make life worth living.  And although life has its ups and downs, the little things will always help you get back up.

 

So here’s to whatever it is in your life that keeps you going.  Be it fishing with your kids, listening to your favorite band, or candle light, Barry White and candy-apple, screw top  wine……..there is beauty in everything we do.  And this translates to beauty in who we are.  And like acoustic music, sometimes making things simpler is all you need to do to make it more beautiful.

Why is it that every Friday before we leave work we wish everyone a good weekend?  It’s a good thing I guess.  A sense of universal cordiality.  And I am very glad to report that I had a great weekend!

I don’t know why, but good weekends have just seemed hard to come by lately.  Usually they are bogged down by chores or bad weather, but this weekend was just awesome.  First of all, the weather was absolutely superb.  Weather like this is why I live in Florida.  Clear skies, relatively cool temperatures, and a slight breeze from the West.  Just great!

My kids spent the night with me on Friday evening.  We stayed up late watching Empire Strikes Back (”Luke ….. I am your father!”), and then Danny stayed up REALLY late with me as I watched “Harold and Kumar go to White Castle”.  I know it’s probably not appropriate to watch that movie with a three year old, but it’s never too early to start my son on booby training. (”Daniel …… I am your father ……. and THAT is a nice rack!)

Took the kids to the pool on Saturday, and it’s amazing what we will do for our children.  For example, jumping into 72 degree water when there is a strong cross wind over the pool deck.  Sure your body acclimates to the temperature, but it’s tough to look cool in front of the college coeds when your lips are quivering and your privates have retreated into your sternum.  But it was all worth it because now my tan is simply kick’n!

Saturday night called for dinner, drinks and a movie with an old friend.  It’s always so good to get caught up with people you haven’t seen in a while, especially when margaritas are involved. 

I went motorcycle riding with a buddy of mine on Sunday.  Again, the weather was just perfect, and the ‘sight seeing’ was equally as impressive.  For those of you who may consider coming to Tampa for a bike ride, be weary of Bayshore Drive.  That road is simply hazardous.  Not because of traffic or road conditions, but because it’s virtually impossible to keep your eyes on the road.  OMG!  All I have to say is, thank goodness for spandex!

I wrapped up my evening by coming home, wiping down my motorcycle – and the drool stains – and winding down with Genesis on the stereo.  Genesis always takes me back to a place and time in my life that was just all good.  Between Invisible Touch and We Can’t Dance (1987 – 1992), life was just simple and fun and uncomplicated and full of promise.  I guess you can say that Genesis is my mental reset music. 

I made a couple of ‘touch-base’ calls to friends, ate a couple of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and started typing.  So here I find myself with another blog entry under my belt, Phil Collins belting out tunes, and a very relaxed grin on my face. 

I thank God for moments like this where the problems of my world seem so far away, and the love of my family and friends serve not only as the support I crave, but also as the inspiration I need.  Only five more days until another weekend.  I hope the next one is as great as this one (and I have a sneaking suspicion it will be), and I hope that all of your weekends, as well as everything in between, are everything you want them to be.

The NFL schedule was released today, and I am already trying to scam some free tickets to the Bucs-Fins game here in Tampa on 10/16.  But the impending new season, and the NFL Draft next weekend, has got me thinking about the process of beginning anew.

 

As with all sports seasons, life has periods of ending and culmination, only to be followed by new beginnings.  The regular season begets the playoffs.  The playoffs climax in a championship game, and that climactic moment is followed by the monotony of the off season.  Of course, there are teams – like my Dolphins last year – that do not come close to smelling the playoffs, and actually look forward to the off season.  Not every team is a winner.  Not everyone makes the playoffs.  And in all sports that conclude with a post-season tournament, every team except for the champion loses its last game. 

 

I woke up this morning and noticed one of the stems in my bamboo plant turned yellow.  Basically, it died.  The irony is that the plant was a gift from a very dear friend, and all too ironically a part of that friendship ceased to be yesterday.  It didn’t necessarily die, but it is definitely not the same as it was before.

 

I wonder how players on the losing end of a championship feel.  The athletes not celebrating the victory.  The players not dousing each other with champagne.  You strive and work so hard for the ultimate prize, only to fall short.  Short of redemption.  Short of perfection.  Short of absolute fulfillment.  I wonder if they sit there and wonder if it was all worth it. I wonder if they sit there and dwell on the reality of the loss, a reality that can be such a shock to the system. I wonder if they allow themselves to smile through the pain, knowing they got farther than anyone expected, reliving the moments of glory that got them to that moment.  I wonder.

 

A very good friend of mine told me to always keep my head up because there is always a next season.  And I guess when the season ends, whether you win or lose, you have no choice but to start preparing for next season.  The fact of the matter is that I feel privileged to have been given a chance to play in the first place.  In many ways, simply taking part in the action and experiencing each day is as rewarding as winning it all.  Sure there is disappointment, but it is overshadowed by the memories of experiences shared and moments created.

 

I will not look at my bamboo plant and feel sad because one stem has faded away.  Rather, I will be happy because the other two stems are alive and vibrant and continue to provide the beauty that is symbolized by the gift.  Every cloud has a silver lining.  There are two sides to every coin.  There is always next year.  Life can be a cliché sometimes, but then again it can be completely fresh and new and rewarding.

 

We’ll see what happens……..

Emptiness can be such a heavy thing.  The idea of not being able to have what you want or talk to someone you want to talk with can really weigh you down.  So much so that everything else which normally is of importance becomes insignificant.

 

Death does that, I guess.  It amplifies the silence of emptiness.  It rings in your head like a bell, louder and louder until you don’t hear a thing but total and sheer silence.  Is this what it’s like to be alone?  Nothing but the constant sound of silence?

 

I really miss my dad.  I miss being able to talk to him.  I miss picking his brain for advice on how best to fix something at home.  I miss calling him in the middle of a soccer game and asking him if he saw that goal.  I miss talking to him as the friend he had become to me as I grew up.  And if ever I needed his advice it’s now. 

 

The funny thing about being dazed and confused, about not knowing if you are coming or going, is that after it’s all said and done in any particular day, you haven’t moved an inch.  You fill your workday with task lists and e-mails.  You occupy your week with dinner meetings and DVD’s.  You plan your months around weekend getaways and the children’s recital.  And after all of the noise and all of the static and all of the distraction, you haven’t even budged.

 

And the hardest thing to accept is that you can’t fix the problem.  You can’t take matters into your hands and produce a resolution.  There is no solution.  There is no answer other than acceptance.  This is the way things are.  This is the ways things are going to be.  There is no going back, except in the recollections of my mind, to a place that was quieter and more peaceful and enjoyable.  To a place where the silence wasn’t so deafening.

 

I miss my dad.  I miss my friend.  I miss the direction in life he provided, and it’s no coincidence that I have felt so lost since he passed away.  It’s like trying to navigate a course through life and not being able to see the stars, because what once shone so brightly seems to have simply faded away.  I look up and see nothing but grey.  I look inside myself and see nothing but grey.  I look around me and see nothing but a heavy, suffocating, hazy shade of grey.

 

How comforting it would be to have something right now be simply black or white.

I think I have a new favorite movie.  Well, maybe not favorite, but definitely top 5.  The movie is ‘Fight Club’, and it is twisted, demented and gratuitous, and I love it.  Why?  Pfffffff…….. where do I begin?

 

Is it because it’s so messed up?  Is it the idea of a schizophrenic sociopath driven to the edge of reason and sanity by all that is routine and mundane?  Is it the clever writing found in the movie, wit begetting wit, story telling from an ‘inside-joke’ perspective?  Is it the brilliant acting on the part of Ed Norton and Brad Pitt?  And speaking of….. not that I am gay or anything, but if I ever were to be……. Brad’s gotta’ be near the top of the list.

 

Anyways, this movie is brilliant.  It challenges us to question what it is we hold so dear.  “It is in losing everything that we can finally be free.”  Is this true?  “You are not someone special.”  Is this true?  To paraphrase a line from my kids’ new favorite movie, ‘The Incredibles’, “Saying that everyone is special is just another way to say no one is.”

 

Yes, ‘Fight Club’ is laced with a socialistic agenda.  Yes, it is far-fetched.  Yes, it is grossly entertaining in a Y-chromosome kinda’ way.  But the writing, as well as the entire movie, has substance.   We live in our worlds, seeking a perfection we will never find.  We create lives and surround these lives with all things pretty and all things wonderful, so as to block out the harsh reality that exists in places far, far away. 

 

We hope and pray this dark reality will never catch up with us.  Like a tumor we hope does not grow or spread.  We ignore the pain and suffering so as to go on with our own lives, happy and content in our blankets of convenience and self importance.  Are we really outrunning the darkness, or merely making temporary the happiness of our coexistence?

 

Too deep for you?  To different from the other stuff I have written?  Has this now become something for you and less of a thing for me?  This?  This blog?  These entries?  Why do I write?  Why do I share?  Why do I bother????????  

 

……………..because if I don’t, my Tyler Durden will take over.  If I don’t, I become that guy I don’t want to be.  If I keep the rage and pain and loneliness and despair bottled up inside, I don’t know where I end up or who I would become.

 

It’s not all bad and it’s not all dark, though.  Like so many things in life, there are ups and there are downs.  I deal with my downs by writing….by expressing…..by sharing.  And it is you all (KML, Sneakie, leelee, Mrs. Call, Miche, former-Remis, Professor Oracle …… everyone!) that bring me back up.

 

I write for me and I write for you.  I write because of me and, individually, because of you.  And I thank you all for allowing me to be, in a small and sometimes distant way, a part of your life.

We are often challenged with situations in life that do not necessarily bring out the best in us.  The situations that make us act P.C., just maybe not think P.C.  For those of you in IT, you know exactly what I am talking about.  You know about the ‘ethnic challenges’ that exist in the workplace, specifically with the unbalanced growth of one demographic in particular.  Is that curry I smell?

 

Don’t get me wrong.  Part of life is learning to deal with and manage change.  A very good friend of mine once told me that a person’s ability to adapt is directly proportional to his/her level of intelligence.  But just because we do adapt, it doesn’t mean we have to like it.  And I want to make it clear that I understand and believe in the importance of treating everyone the same (i.e. discrimination).  There are just some times when I am alone or with my VERY close circle of friends that I will verbally vent my frustrations.  This venting is usually followed by the comment, “Dude, you’re going straight to hell for that one.”

 

Which got me thinking……Is going to hell REALLY such a bad thing?  Think about it.  Our understanding of hell is what we learn from religious teachings, which are directly taken from religious dogma.  The Bible portrays hell as a brutal, torturous inferno in which souls spend an eternity in pain and suffering.  But that is only because God wants everyone to go to Heaven.  In essence, what we know of Hell maybe nothing more than celestial spin.  Similar to how Republicans portray Democrats as bleeding-heart, liberal, tax-happy, Fonda loving commies……… but I digress.

 

I think the problem is that Hell really has no marketing department.  Their PR agent is a guy with a severe tan and horns!  What if Hell is like a really jamm’n rave party that just never ends?  You can drink all you want and never get hung over, you would never have any problems picking up the ladies (and taking the home…..if you know what I’m saying), and there’s no cover!  Plus, think of all the interesting conversations you can have in Hell. “Hey, John Wayne Gacy, what’s with the shovel? Oh, nevermind.” 

 

I know what you’re thinking.  I’m probably going straight to Hell for this entry, but all I can say is that I already have a table reserved. 

 

But in all seriousness, it’s important to be yourself and be able to freely express you opinions, views and beliefs.  It’s difficult to do so in today’s climate, out of fear of being labeled a racist or bigot or just out-of-touch.  And as has been engrained in the minds of many young, white-collar workers, there is no tolerance for intolerance.  But what you think and how you act are two different things, and sometimes I just feel like saying, “What the Hell!”

 

Speak your mind and be true to yourself.  And remember………….. the buffet line starts in the back of the cave, next to the river of lava.

There are times when it’s not possible to move on.  You think you put issues and events behind you, only to have them resurface once again.  The re-manifestation of matters unresolved can present itself in many ways.  It can be casual conversation turning unexpectedly awkward.  It can be the idea and vision of resolve crumbling in the blink, or the bat, of an eye.  It’s a roadmap that says, “Continued on page 57…”, only to find the atlas is 42 pages long.

 

Who knows why we seem to repeat these exercises in our lives.  Why does grief, in its varying shapes and forms, continue to haunt us and weigh us down?  I feel like Al Pacino in The Godfather III. “Every time I think I’m out, they pull me back in!”  Be it the death of a relative, a heartbreaking loss in a game, or just plane ‘ol heartbreak, it seems like we’re never ready to move on until we’re ready to move on.  Kudos to Yogi Bera for the inspiration.

 

So the million dollar question is, “At what point is it OK to let go?  At what point is it OK to move on? “ I know that technically that’s two questions, and if I had a million dollars I would be in a Bare Naked Ladies song, but I digress.

 

I think the need to let go has a lot to do with other people’s expectations.  I think we don’t want to present ourselves as weak or dependant, so we force ourselves to think and say that we have actually moved on.  That we’re over that special someone.  That we have ‘come to terms’ with the situation.  We feel the desire to be applauded or commended for our strength.  We long to be told how courageous we are for overcoming the adversities of life.

 

And as much as I understand that life goes on, I think we should take our time to process those things in our life which cause us pain, grief and agony.  I firmly believe that if, God forbid, something happened to my kids I would not recover from that.  I view my children and my love for them as a zero-sum game.  You invest your heart and soul into the lives of your offspring, and to have them taken away from you represents, to me, the stealing of everything by which you define your life.  I know I would not recover, and I commend all the parents in the world that have actually survived the passing of their child.

 

And although I may not be nearly as emotionally vested in other people, there are other relationships I hold very near and dear to my heart.  The idea of losing or terminating any of these relationships is unsettling to me, and I believe that I would survive in an unresolved state for a very long time.  I’m not even sure survive is the right word.  Exist, meander, wander……. those are the feelings I have carried the past 8 months, and every time I think I have turned a corner I find these unresolved matters pulling me back in.

 

I don’t know what the solution is.  I don’t know if it can be found in text pages and voicemail messages.  I don’t know if it can be found in shared meals and pillow talk.  I don’t know if  it’s at the bottom of a margarita, kir royale or Michelob Light.  What I do know is that I keep driving my life over a cliff because I don’t know how to let go or say goodbye.  I’m too busy looking at the map and not noticing that the road ahead is uncharted.

 

A wide open future......... Sometimes that’s a good and exciting thing.  And sometimes it’s gripping and paralyzing.  This weekend, I think it was a little bit of both.