Q1: What the #&!! does "Swell Sound" mean? What a stupid name!

A1: It's complicated. Actually, it's not all that complicated, but it's not all that interesting, either.

 

Q2: Why don't you list a phone #?

A2: I suspect this is how Phyllis Diller found most of her phone- stalking victims.

 

Q3: Is my effects pedal actually broken, or do I just need to replace the battery and/or use the correct power supply?

A3: My experience indicates the latter in most cases. However, I'll be glad to charge you a modest fee to diagnose such embarrasingly simple "problems".

 

Q4: Are you a jerk? Your FAQ replies seem to be full of condescending sarcasm.

A4: What a stupid question, you moron.

 

Q5: Does this FAQ tend to contain various bits of philosophical BS, sometimes thinly veiled as humor?

A5: Of course! An existence not studied is an existence not worthwhile.

 

Q6: What's the deal with the picture on the Ming Rod page?

A6: What you're really asking is: "What does the sign say? I can't make it out because the picture quality is so crappy.", and "Did you just happen upon the sign like that, or did you temporarily liberate it from the lobby of the Hampton Inn at 1370 Broad St, Sumter, SC 29150 after a long day of Six Sigma training?".  I suspect you'd also like to know if the free beer -reluctantly provided by Kent, The Beer Nazi- might have been a catalyst in this alleged crime against signage. And did I have to wait for the desk clerk (and Beer Nazi, Kent) to become distracted before I dragged the sign onto the elevator, and subsequently, to my room, so that I might rearrange the letters to transform a friendly and innocuous welcome message for some business group to the rather risque "VIEW BIG ASS MEAT IN JOE AND CONNIES ROOM. CART TIE"?

I'd love to answer your questions, but I must issue a vehement denial of any involvement, either direct or by association, in this disgusting act of sign abuse. I'd like to go on record as saying that the malicious and disrespectful altering of ANY sign is not something I can endorse or support. I use the word "ANY" to include the signage of Wades Foods and other local retailers in my one-man-crusade against this disgusting, sophomoric attack on all that is good and right.

Some might label these sign-altering antics as harmless and silly foolishness, but this is one upstanding citizen who will stand firm against the metaphorical "razing" of the foundation that this once great society was built upon. To alter a sign is to destroy. How many times have the honest works of untold dozens of honest and righteous sign writers been unceremoniously altered in such an impudent manner? To know the truth would surely sicken any decent man, woman or child. To ignore the truth, though, would only serve to assist in the imminent desruction of the fabric from which humanity is woven.

Please help me launch what I promise will be an unmerciful assault on sign abuse, and sign abusers, so that our children, and our children's children, and their kids' offspring, etc, will never have to witness the heartless conversion of grocer's sign that once read: "GROUND LOIN ON SALE"  to the horrific "ALL SOUND ONE GROIN".  Spare future generations the agony of seeing "TUNA FISH" changed to "A FUN SHIT".

 

Q7: Okay, I'm with you on the "VIEW BIG ASS MEAT" thing, but what does "CART TIE" mean? Also, who are Joe and Connie?

A7: Sometimes a Sign Alteration Specialist (SAS) is faced with the task of forming a meaningful and coherent phrase from what is essentially a random and disparate collection of unrelated verbiage, at least in the context of the new phrase. In other words, to create a new sentence capable of arousing a reasonable level of self-amusement, the SAS must sometimes ignore certain letters, if not whole words! Yes, this is a painful and difficult realization for any self-respecting, conscientious SAS, but it is a realization that comes with experience and maturity. The inevitable reality is that sometimes there are leftovers.

In the case above, the phrase "CART TIE" was an apparent attempt by the SAS to utilize all letters from the original signage. Surely, the resulting arrangement of these "leftovers" to form the cryptic "CART TIE" is preferable to their merely being arranged alphabetically -or worse, just being disposed of. However, upon closer examination, one has to wonder why the SAS failed to see that the available letters could have handily been reorganized to form the salutatory moniker "TRACIE T". My guess is that a combination of imbibing, along with the fear of being charged with sign theft, forced the SAS to settle for the off-topic and meaningless "CART TIE" in lieu of a more fitting and appropriate grouping of letters. It is well-documented fact that most sign altering is hurriedly performed, and often in a state of intoxication. As a result, it is not uncommon to see fragmented words, phrases and sentences scattered throughout the works of many sign alterers. Such is the nature of sign altering, and I don't foresee this changing in the near future unless there is legislature to offer protection to those engaging in sign altering. 

As for Joe and Connie, they don't exist... they were merely a couple of names that the SAS came up with in his rush to modify the sign and return it to the hotel lobby before the cops showed up. Plus, he wanted to hurry back to the lounge to grab onother glass of that free beer! Er, at least that's my assumption.

 

Q8: Are you schizo? Your response to the last question swings wildly from an all-out attack on sign alteration, and its practicioners, to what can only be described as a SAS-sympathetic tone at best, and an outright endorsement at worst! What's your deal, man?

A8: I pride myself on my ability to see all sides of an issue. And by "schizo"I  assume you really mean Mutiple Personality Disorder (MPD). It's a common misunderstanding. Oh, and  thanks for the reminder... It's time to take my meds.

 

Q9: How about that Boosty-A?

A9: Out of Stock.

 

Q10: How can I tell if I'm a self-centered idiot, who has my head up my @$$?

A10: Well, one sure indicator is that you habitually and regularly refuse to use your signals when changing lanes and turning. Another clue is that you lack the basic intelligence and respect for other drivers that prompts any normal human to turn on their headlights when it's foggy, raining, snowing or dark. If you do either of the above while cutting off others in traffic, then the likelihood of you being a completely moronic jackass is statistically proven to be around 99.6%.  Commit BOTH of the aforementioned and the confidence factor that you're a complete waste of skin jumps to 99.9998%!

 

Q11: I'd have thought this FAQ would focus more on electronics and music, but so far less than 10% of the FAQ is even remotely topical to the rest of the site.

A11: That's a statement, not a question.

 

Q12: What's the story behind the BGP and CBB? Is it true that Richard Factor is in possession of the only CBB currently known to exist?

A12: The CBB and BGP, while constructed primarily of food-related components, have nothing to do with sustenance or nourishment, or even late-night gluttonous indulgence. They transcend all that stuff, and more. Basically, they're about life. And death. And everything in-between, before and after. Iconic and purely beyond mortal comprehension. And yes, Mr. Factor is the current keeper of CBB S/N002. He received delivery in April 2005, and was so overwhelmed with emotion that the extent of his response was to proclaim it, and I quote: "quite festive". His response is indicative of one whom is obviously versed in the language of appreciativeness. I wish Mr. Factor the best in his journies, and am proud to know that the CBB will help him flourish and prosper, both emotionally and spiritually.

 

Q13: Is the Nachos Santa Fe at El Guadalupe in Blacksburg, VA really your favorite meal? What's in it?

A13: Why yes, it is! It's a combination of steak and chicken slices, along with refried beans, cheese, guacamole and sour cream, all over a bed of their famous homemade nacho chips. Wow! There's something about the spices they use on their meat.