One
of the joys of writing this column is that it enables me to keep my writing and publishing muscles from degenerating into
a state of total atrophy. To this date, I have published (only) two books, but
in the last few months, I have put together a couple of manuscripts that I hope to have published in some fashion by the end
of 2010. Is that really next year? I better get cracking.
Let
me tell you a little about both projects, although please do not treat this as a full-fledged announcement. That will, hopefully,
come soon enough in some way, shape or format.
The first book is a compendium
of my Tip of the Goldberg columns. With just a smidge of editing and
a little additional writing, I have linked my 25-plus columns together with a few updates. While my original intention in
writing this column was more to pursue a regular (syndicated?) column than it was to provide material for a book, I hope to
now accomplish both. My working title is All That Twitters Is Not Goldberg:
Truthful Humor From A Vindicated Columnist, and my hope is that someone other than myself will find the mostly irreverent, but sometimes
quite serious, musings of a youngish, middle-aged (yeesh!) man who just became a father – one who tends to write about
family issues, sports, movies, politics and whatever else is on his mind – kind of interesting. Yes, and most of the sentences are not as long as the previous.
Since I’ve already had the pleasure of sharing
many of the contents of that book with you on a monthly basis, I want to also give you just a peek into the second new book
that I’ve really been jamming on. (It helps to be an insomniac with a day
job that I really don’t enjoy – one that I’m, apparently, not that great at, or interested in.)
I’ve
just completed the first draft of a book that I’ve tentatively titled Wordapedia: 250-Plus
Wordapods To Learn, Share and Master. Essentially, I’ve brainstormed 250 (plus a few) words and expressions
(wordapods, I call them) that should
be, and it’s been a blast to put this together. The Wordapedia has
definitions, sample sentences and scenarios, fun facts, interviews with people living in my head space, and all kinds of other
cool features. I now see it as a syndicated feature, as a calendar, as a book,
as a way of life…all of that. If anyone knows a reputable publisher,
agent or publicist, please let me know, as I think this has real potential. Of
course, this book/calendar/way of life has only been breathing in my own head so far, but I love its potential.
So, what it’s all about? The wordapods are taken from all walks of life – cuisine, academia, sports (there’s a whole
baseball section), religion (okay, lots of words of Jewish interest, but not exclusively so), sex, bathroom habits, movies,
scientific theorems – what did I leave out? The best way to debut this
is to just throw one or two out there. Good news: if you like these, there are 248 more somewhat like them; if you don’t,
there are 248 others that are quite different. Thank you for reading, and keep your fingers crossed for me. (When I do so,
my typing is even worse than usual.) I welcome feedback. .
Spinal Tapioca
Spinal Tapioca (n) – a pudding given to
patients to calm them down after their spinal cords have been punctured
Sample Sentence:
Susie dreaded going to the hospital for her invasive
procedure, but the spinal tapioca seemed to make it all worthwhile.
Observation:
Cheryl Bitman, head of Our Lady of Mediocre Health’s
excellent Post-Surgery Cuisine Department, lists the preferred food items given to patients after various procedures:
Breast Reduction Surgery – Chicken
(dark meat) with parsley potatoes
Gastric Bypass – Beef burritos with chili
Hip Replacement – Cereal, skim milk
and fruit
Hernia Repair – Something light
Knee Replacement – Fish sticks and sauerkraut
Laser Vision Correction – Peas, carrots
and candy
Lobotamies – Split pea soup with
a side of pasta
Open Heart – Lefties from hernia
repair
Rhinoplasty – Limburger cheese
and garlic donuts
Rodentistry
Rodentistry (n) – a highly specialized
field of medicine concerning the proper dental care of nibbling mammals
You Know What…?
I am proud to call Dr. Woodrow Thorenson a friend. “Thorsie” has enjoyed a thriving rodental practice for over 20 years. Below is an excerpt from an interview I conducted with him.
Matt: Dr. Thorenson, who or what are your patients?
Thorsie: I am fortunate to have quite a varied, eclectic clientele. Everything from
beavers to muskrats to chipmunks and squirrels. And, my personal favorite, the lemmings. Do you want to know why they are
my favorite?
Matt: Okay, I’ll bite.
Thorsie: (wincing a little from the pun): You
take care of one lemming, and the rest of them just seem to follow. Cuts down
on marketing expenses.
Matt: Are there any types of clients you are not too fond of?
Thorsie: Of course. I’m not a great fan of the porcupine. They are very fussy,
and dare I say …
Matt: Prickly?
Thorsie: Bingo. And I must put in a good word for my favorite species of all –
the beaver. It’s always a pleasure to see lots of beaver in my waiting
room. There is one downside, though.
Matt: Really?
Thorsie: Every beaver I know is a nocturnal creature. It messes up my office hours,
and I have to pay a shift differential and overtime to my rodental hygienists and office staff.
Matt: Never thought of that. Dr. Thorenson, do you have any advice for those thinking
about a career in rodentistry?
Thorsie: Let me chew on that a moment. Yes, I do. 40% of the world’s mammal population is rodents,
and they really use their teeth, so it’s a great field. Just study hard,
get lots of cheap, easy-clean furniture, and get ready to do battle with the insurance companies.
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And that was just a tip of the Tip of the Goldberg…
