The subject of transracial adoption is new to us.  As you have probably discovered, my husband and I adopted first from Russia.  Our son looks remarkably like us.  Our current adoption journey has led us to go beyond what we think or imagine and research the best way to help our child feel a part of us, this world, and comfortable in their own skin.  We might be color blind, but that doesn’t mean the world will be as well.

God created suit of many colors.  They are all wonderful and unique.

As you have also probably discovered, we encourage anyone adopting to be informed through reading, seminars, and talking to others.  Search for ANY source to make your child’s (as well as your) transition easier. 

Books

We have listed below a few books we recommend.  The list will slowly accumulate since we won’t recommend books at least one of us hasn’t read.  It’s slow going, but please understand we are recommending from our own opinion and therefore the list WILL take a lot longer to accumulate.  Feel free to suggest books to us and one of us will try to read them at some point.  Not all these books have us agreeing with everything written, but we have pulled something out of all these books.

There is No Me Without You by Melissa Faye Green

• For those adopting from Ethiopia and other beautiful African nations it will help you see the situations there and understand the wonderfully historic country your child is coming from.  It is a true story of one modern Ethiopian woman with a HUGE heart for orphans.  This is one of our all time favorite books.

Beyond Good  Intentions by Cheri Register

• This is a book by an adoptive mother of two Korean born children.  She attempts to debunk some of the pitfalls many adoptive parents fall into.  Much of what she says may be a given for you, but as you get deeper into the book she helps you to think of certain situations that your child may face in a different light.  She doesn’t solve all problems, but helps you to start thinking about them.  We didn’t agree with every single thing in this book, but it did really make us think and it is definitely a good start in your adoption research.

I’m Chocolate, You’re Vanilla by Marguerite A. Wright

• Mrs. Wright is a psychologist and is very knowledgeable.  She brings insight on handling certain situations and a wonderful insight into the world which you may now be entering.  It is not a book that is specifically on adoption, but we would recommend it for ANYONE adopting transracially.  We do not agree with everything that is said in this book (as with almost any book), but completely agree with most of it.  This would be a wonderfully and highly recommended addition to your adoption library.

In Their Own Voices by Rita J. Simon and Rhonda M. Roorda

         *This is a book of stories from Trans-racial adoptees that shows

           another perspective (a very important one).  This book can be

           key being able to see the importance of certain aspects of

           bringing up your child.  We love that this book

          doesn't downplay the role love plays in a parent child

          relationship.  It also show the importance of communication and

          the necessity of your child having those of the same race playing

          a key roles in their lives.   We recommend this book to all those

          seeking to bring a higher understanding to their multicultural  

          journey.  Though consider yourself warned that it is a book

          that  is very true to the stories and the language that some may

          use goes along with that.

Support Groups

A support group initially sounded (for us) out of our range of ability with four children at home and very little extra time.  We found a way around this though.  In this computer generation there are many support group that communicate by email.  We cannot begin to tell you the information we have gathered from other searching parents and those who have already adopted. 

To Start:

1. First ask your own agency if they have a group online, some do.

2. We suggest that next you go to the “Search Engine” on your computer and plug in Yahoo Groups.  It is free, though you will have to create a Yahoo account (again free).  You then search with your criteria and request to join. 

Example: Christian Adoption + Ethiopia

                Russian Adoption + Christian

               Christian Ethiopian Adoption

You may notice we put “Christian” in searching.  We are a member of both a Christian and a non-Christian group.  The Christian Groups will most likely give you wonderful support.  The other non-Christian groups sometimes have a much larger readership thus you can glean great information through them.  You must be aware though, your comments can be disparaged by those who do not have a functioning relationship with God.  

We have found those in our groups that have adopted through our agency already.  They are giving us great advice on certain things we can expect.

3. A physical  support group is wonderful, but can also be harder to find.  Again the Web is a great place to start.

Some Information We Have Gleaned

There are some definite ideas that struck us in much of what we read…from ideas to helpful hints.  This is not a completed list, but a start of our research into this  blessed, but complicated subject. This list is  not a substitute for the wonderful books and support out there, but some accumulated ideas…our accumulated ideas to maybe help start the thinking process.  You may not even agree with them, but they may help you down the path of self-evaluation.

The Charity Case

We all know the stories of our child’s country or the domestic situations where they resided.  Some of the conditions are deplorable!  The statistics may be astounding.  Your child may have been given up because of necessity, laws in the birth country, death of parents, poverty, and too many situations to even list.  These situations are true.  They are heart breaking. Please don’t make your child feel like a charity case.

 “What would your life have been without us? What opportunities would you have had without us?” “Imagine if you hadn’t come home to us, you probably wouldn’t have even known God.” Some parents may say.

You know what the answer to the first question would be? “What would your life be without us?” Not near as blessed.

This child needs to be viewed as a blessing.  Don’t make them feel the country or place where they were from is bad.  They may start feeling they fit into the same category and don’t deserve your love.  They do.  They may also begin to blame God for taking away their first parents or feel their first parents are bad, so you had to take your child away from them.

 Talk about the beauty of their country.  The history.  If they are adopted domestically obviously that will be different. 

      You will have to decide for yourself what to tell them about their

       past, but don’t make them feel it is all bad or that you took them in

      out of charity.  You took them in because God let you know that

      they were your child.   Make them feel as the blessing that they

      are.  Don’t remind them of everything you’ve done for them and

      what situation  they would be without you.  This doesn’t mean in

      everyday life there should be no “thank you” for helping them with

      a science project or with a hairstyle.   It means that you don’t need

      to impart to your child that being part of your family was anything

      other than your knowledge that they are the child of your heart.

Stand Up For the Differences

Your child may be teased or bullied for their differences.  Other children may make unkind or bigoted comments.  Don’t blow these off when your child comes and tells you.  This is your chance.  This is your chance to teach your child to stand up for who they are and the beauty and differences God created in them.  They are God’s child…only on loan to us as parents.  He made them and that is something for them to be proud of.  They should be proud of their skin color, their differences.  Please don’t just say “The other child is just being a bully, they would pick on anyone for anything.”   You have an opportunity to give them a lesson for their future and teach them to stand up and see the beauty of the rainbow we call God’s people.…but please, remember to teach them compassion in this as well.

Cultural Identity

Your child is from a different culture (many times even when adopted from the U.S.).  They are a different color than you.  There eyes may be a different, their build different. 

One suggestion (that we completely agree wit) is to surround your child with children of many races and situations…especially their own.  Give them as much chance as you can to experience their culture, but in the end the choice of who they may want to identify themselves with is just that…their choice.

 If they are from Ethiopia they may (in the end) not choose to adopt their Ethiopian heritage.  They may end up choosing to identify themselves with African Americans (right here in the U.S.).  They have the right to find their own place.  They may even be color blind just like you and identify themselves with everyone who has a love for God.  None of these is bad.  You may imagine the worst is the choice  to return as adults to their native land and find a place there.  This is not the worst.  Support them and love them and accept that this is their choice in their life.  You are their family and you will always be.

They must find their own place in this world.  It’s our job to make it as painless as possible.

Allow/ Encourage Questions

     My son comes to me sometimes and floors me with questions I don’t

     expect.  Sometimes our feel like laughing and saying “Wow Tom…I

     cannot believe you’re asking this!”.  I must tell you though there is

     another underlying feeling…happiness.  Happiness that our son

     feels like he can trust us with all his thoughts and questions.

     This goes for all our children.  There may be questions we don’t

     know how to answer, but don’t blow them off and give them “pat”

      answers.  There is nothing wrong with saying you need to think

     about it or even that you don’t know, but will try to find out. 

     Understand that you are not in their shoes. Listen, don’t hide your

     head in the sand and pretend that the issues don’t exist.  You may

     not be able to solve every problem, but you can listen and validate

      their feelings so that they don’t feel so alone.  You can help them

     to work through it. 

We Are All Unique

We have taught our children that they are all special and unique.  Not only are we not supposed to be like the world, but being different is what we call “Christian cool” instead of the “Worldly Cool”.  Teach your children they are individuals and when someone stares at them (for being different) they can find joy in their uniqueness.  Most of us don’t want to stand out all of the time, but it is a very important concept no matter what color your “suit” is.

You Are Now a Minority

     You cannot feel everything your child feels, but your family is now

     a minority family, a wonderfully blessed family with many colors. 

     This is a minority in our world.  You will not face the same things

     as your daughter or son, but prepare yourselves (as best you can) for

     the questions that will come and affect your child and sometimes

     your family.

      Questions such as:

     “Where did you get him/her?”

     “They’re adopted, right?”

     “What a blessing to you!” (Talking to the child)

     There are many more hurtful questions, but those are a few of the

     common ones you need to start thinking about.

     Here are some answers, though yours may be different and even  

     better.

     1. Question: “Where did you get him/her?

     Answer: “God gave them to me.  He planted each and every one of  

     my children in my heart and we are so blessed.”

     2. Question: “They’re adopted, right?”

    Answer Laughingly: “I don’t remember…I keep on trying to    

     remember what hospital I had them at…my memory must be

     going!”  This is true to some extent…and they will

     know the answer is coming in a joking manner, not lying.

     OR

     Answer: “ I guess we all are adopted sons and daughters of God,

     aren’t we?”

     3. Question: “What a blessing to you!” (Talking to the child)\

  Answer: “Oh No…it is I who am blessed.”

     These are some basic answer and we are sure there are better one’s  

     out there.  Feel free to share, we can always use the ideas!

TIPS

• When you see the “look” or a question coming, introduce ALL your children (with your hand on your child’s shoulder) and say “This is my son ________, my daughter_________, and my other daughter ______________.”  Introduce all children so your none of your children feel singled out.  You don’t have to give your child’s names, but it may head off some of the questions.

• As we suggested earlier, plan responses to questions you may get.  I even heard of someone that made out (and carried) business cards around and passed them out to those who asked the awkward questions (instead of answering) explaining and giving them some way to ask you an honest question (maybe set up a free hotmail account for this). Though my husband and I don’t plan to do this, we have heard this as a suggestion.  You need to find out what you (and most importantly your child) are most comfortable with.

Hair and Skincare

We have found that we had a TOTAL ignorance at the difference in hair types :).  It is important that you are prepared as a parent to help your child understand their skin and hair and be able to show them how to take care of it.  There are a few books available on the different hair types, but I will be honest with you,  though I own some of these books, they did not go very far in teaching me to take care of or manage our child's hair and skin.  What helped tremendously is a Yahoo Group called "AdoptionHair_Skincare".  This is a group that you can ask all the questions you need answers to without judgment.  Most of these parents started exactly where you are right now.  It also helped to have a friend we could talk to and ask questions of.  The following information is African American specific.

Below is a link to  WONDERFUL  videos explaining and showing how you do different styles for African American hair.  They currently sell some neat products.

http://www.shuruba.com/basics.htm

Here are some things we have gathered that aided us in taking care of our daughter gorgeous ringlets and glowing skin.

African American hair is filled with wonderful essential oils and can easily dry out.  You only shampoo your child's hair once a week.  Some people even suggest once every two weeks.  African American Skin tends to need to be highly conditioned as well and can dry out very easily.  Remember, we are far from experts, but we have read and been told these things repeatedly.  We have also experienced these things with our daughter.

To comb out our daughters hair we use (much of the time) a wide tooth comb.  Many recommend a boar bristle brush, but this did not work for Bekah's hair.  When her hair is highly conditioned we also used a VERY wide and firm bristle brush (widely spaced bristles) which works well with Bekah's hair.  Remember to comb starting at  the ends, moving in.

We mostly use Carol's Daughter products which can be found by clicking on the link below.  They tend to be strong smelling (though good smelling), but the scents fade very fast. We have many tell us our daughter smells so good all the time.  There are a few stores, but we tend to buy online.

http://www.carolsdaughter.com/?gclid=CMW8xb-8gJgCFRwwawodjE_RDQ

Here are the products we personally use and how we use them.  There are many great products out there, but these worked the best for us.

Bath

1. Nuetrogena Facial Soap- We use this on our child's entire body.  It doesn't really make a difference if it is scented or unscented.  We have used it for a long time with ALL our children who have very sensitive skin.  Dove was recommended but made our children break out.  We use this with every bath.

2. Carol's Daughter's Rosemary Mint Herbal Shampoo with Sea Moss.  Though this is for dry damaged hair, it is highly conditioning and helps keep those essential oils.  We use this once a week.

After Bath and Daily Use

1.Carol's Daughter Mango Melange Shea Souffle-  This is a moisturizer that we put on her skin (including face) after bath and once in the morning (and often at night as well) to keep her skin soft.

2. Carol's Daughter Black Vanilla Leave-in Conditioner- We spray this on our daughter's hair immediately after bath.  Also, when we are preparing her hair in the morning (after putting Hair Butter in her hair and THEN combing it out) we spray it with water to bring back the ringlets and apply Black Vanilla Leave-in Conditioner.

3. Carol's Daughter's Hair Milk-  We apply this immediately after the Black Vanilla Leave-in Conditioner both after bath and when preparing her hair.  It leaves her hair MUCH softer and nourishes it.

4. Carol's Daughter Healthy Hair Butter- This is also a conditioner, but we only use it before comb out and when her hair seems extra dry.  She has always had a portion of her hair (small spot in back) that tends to be much drier and thus has the product applied more.

5. Naturelle's HEMP Firm Hold Gel-We tried so many products to help her hair stay in the style/braids and everything seemed to dry her out or not hold her hair.  This brand is sold at Sally's Beauty Supply.

Other Items You May Need

Salon Care Metal Duckbill Clips  (sold at Sally's Beauty Supply)

Salon Care All Purpose Metal Clips (sold at Sally's Beauty Supply)

Small Black, Clear, and Multi Color Rubber Bands

Thin and Thick hair bands (soft)

Barrettes (we didn't use these very much)

Cute Small Scrunchies to cover up rubber bands (we didn't use these much)

Beads

The EZ Beader - http://www.shuruba.com/beads.htm

A Silk or Satin Pillowcase (or sheet for a baby) can often help keep there hair from tangling (which it does easily) at night.

There are some child sleep caps you can purchase when they are older.

General Info

* For young children it is often easier to do their hair while they are in a highchair. 

*A video and a snack is a great distraction. 

* Bekah's hair, once braided, usually stays in 7 to 10 days.  It took awhile to get to the point where it stayed in that long...practice makes perfect, don't give up!  Bekah's hair is usually braided only in the front.  Her beautiful ringlets show in the back.  It's also easy to put it up in a puff or bun with the back part if I want something different.

* You will know if you have braided too tight by little bumps appearing at the hairline.

* A discussion took place on our web group recently.  I wish I'd known it sooner...it would have made me feel more sane.  No matter how hard I tried Bekah would wiggle and cry when I was combing out her hair or doing things such as parting (though she didn't love the braiding, as long as she was distracted it was tolerable).  On this group discussion they stated that this is VERY normal and just takes age to outgrow.  Curly hair is SO beautiful, but it does tangle easily.

* Many people use snaps at the end of braids.  I tried, but no longer do.  Children can figure out easily how to get them out.

* A simple tip: When you are putting on beads you flip the hair over the last bead and put the rubber band ABOVE the last bead where the two strands meet.

*IMPORTANT- Please do not forget to put on sunscreen when the situation mandates!