Preparing for Your Child

Often while waiting for all the paperwork, appointments, and general chaos that sometimes accompanies the adoption process, we spent many hours (after the children were in bed) surfing the web for ANY information that might make our adoption easier. One thing stood out to us. Many Web Pages had list of what you will need in preparing to bring your child home, but very few took the stance that my husband and I firmly believe.

Preparing your house, child proofing, having the things that you will need in everyday life are important, but not the most important. Please, if you take one thought out of what we are saying, take this, "Don’t just focus on preparing your house, but preparing yourself".

Orphanage life…Institutional life will affect your child. It doesn’t matter how long they are there, it will affect them. Your Hague Accredited Agency will usually offer courses and will require a certain amount of preparation as well. This is very important and should not feel like a burden. I know we needed the preparation.

Walking into the grocery store with 14 month old Max Nikolai (two weeks after we brought him home) was exciting. Here I was with my four children….MY four children. How beautiful to feel the completeness after all the waiting. I was able to buy diapers again!(smile)….it had seemed like forever since I did that last. We were one content family.

That’s the way it felt until I looked at Max Nikolai. His eyes were wide and fearful. I rubbed his back and cuddled him as any good mom would. I sat him in the front of the cart and looked at him adoringly. That’s when the bite came…soundly on the tender part of my arm. I stood there in shock saying lovingly, yet firmly “No No Max…sweetheart…we don’t do those kind of things”. That was just before a little foot met my stomach with a swift kick.

Things like these can be very normal for an institutionalized child. The grocery store was over stimulating for him. He was lashing out in the only way he knew how. Remember, many of these children are not raised, but neglected. I will never forget the look on Max Nikolai’s face the first time he touched a tree. I even remember the beautifully mismatched outfit he was wearing. You see Max had never been outside.

You may adopt from a wonderful orphanage, but you must realize that these children had a life (albeit not a great one possibly) before you.

Reading, Talking, and Seminars

Seminars

My husband and I had a wonderful adoption agency called “Hope International”. When we received the mandatory invitation for their seminar we thought “Well, it’ll be interesting, but we really didn’t think we would learn much….after all, we have 3 kids already”. Okay, we will say this once, very clearly, we were STUPID! (smile)

Yes, there was much we already knew. There was also (even being an avid reader) a lot that we didn’t know.

If we had not gone to the seminar, we might not have realized that a child of 13 1/2 months old might not have a pincher grasp. Max Nikolai couldn’t pick up a Cheerio. Before you say, “This child must have just been in an especially severe situation” you need to know that this is common. We might have found this out at the seminar, but it’s in many books as well.

Our point is this, take advantage of every ounce of information given you. God is the only one that can, in all truthfulness, tell you that you will be adopting a perfect child. And please, let us tell you as parents of four, there is no perfect child.

Books

A wealth of information can be found in books. Most of the things we read about didn’t apply to us, but hidden in this trove were nuggets that kept us sane and helped us to know what was normal and to know we were not alone.

A Couple of Books We Recommend:

*The Hurt Child by Gregory Keck

*Parenting the Hurt Child by Gregory Keck

*If Adopting from Ethiopia or wish to find out the situation children remain within in this day and age we recommend There Is No Me Without You-One Woman's Odyssey to Rescue Africa's Children by Melissa Fay Greene

*More Books are listed under the "Transracial Adoption" link on the home page.

Ask your adoption agency if they have a list of books they recommend.

Talking

As we get older we have found we know less than we thought. Listen to those around you. Ask questions, even prepare questions. Seek out others who have adopted. Find out the beauty of adoption and the hard parts. Listen…increase your knowledge, be prepared.

There are things that you will learn, yet never need AND there are things that you will learn that will be an invaluable tool in the completeness and wholeness of your child’s life.

Preparing for the Physical Needs of Your

Child

This may vary depending on age. The following list is for a toddler or young child.

Baby Proofing

1. Outlet Covers-The covers that cover the whole face plate of a outlet are the best.

2. Cabinet Locks and Drawer locks for those places you don’t wish to be

explored or that contain items your child should not play with (knives, meds, etc.).

3. Door Knob Covers or Safety Gates- to limit/control access to rooms you

don’t want your child exploring.

4. All Medicines and Cleaning Supplies (and other items toxic to children) should be put up high with (preferably) a cabinet lock.

5. Secure tall book shelves and dressers with safety items that attach them to

walls. We have a climber. Even if you watch them constantly they can be

VERY quick.

6. High locks on all doors leading to the outside. You would be amazed how

quickly a child can figure out a lock. We have an alarm system that can be

set to beep every time an outer door or window is opened.

7. Place all things little or breakable high. As they get older or have been with

you longer, you can gradually teach them what not to put in their mouths

and what they should be careful with.

8. Try to look and see where all wires and such are positioned in your house. They should be tucked out of the way and if possible, out of reach.

9. If you have a pool make sure there is not only an outer door alarm or special lock, but also a perimeter fence and/or pool alarm (that will let you know if a child falls in).

10. If you have guns in your house (you will need to do this for the Home Study as well), you need to lock them up....not just put them up high. This is even if you don't have ammunition.

There are a TON of other things you can do to childproof (Corners of tables, Toilet locks, refrigerator and oven locks, etc.), but we feel these are the most important. Let us know if you think of others!

There is a great catalog with special Child Proofing Items called “One Step Ahead” at www.OneStepAhead.com

Meds

1. Infant or Children’s (depending on age) Tylenol AND Motrin. All of our

children have medicine that works better for them.

2. Infant Gas Medicine.

3. Nasal Bulb (for snot)

4. Infant’s thermometer

5. Vaseline (depending what kind of thermometer you get)(smile)

6. Vitamins (ask your Dr. about what kind he or she recommends)

7. Sun Block (highest SPF factor you can get)

8. Band-Aids and Neosporin (for an older toddler). Many babies will take the band-aid off and put it in their mouths, thus a choking hazard.

9. Medicine recommended by the CDC for your area of the world. Take advantage of other adoptive parents and ask what they wish they had taken with them.

Clothing

You need to check the weather to where you are traveling and buy items for their weather (you also may also be asked to give the clothes back to the orphanage that your child is wearing). Don’t forget you also need to buy items for the weather conditions at your home.

The following items are great to have in any weather, but we formulated a list especially for varying weather conditions.

Things to Pack for Baby

If you don’t know the weather condition, this is what we recommend:

We layer , so even if it’s cold you can add layers or subtract them when it’s hot.

1. Full-length jeans, sweats, or pants

2. T-shirts

3. Two Sweatshirts (to put over t-shirts and under jackets in cold weather or on top of PJ’s)

4. Onesies (for under t-shirts if it’s cold and if it’s really hot you can strip off the pants too). They even work as PJ’s in extremely hot weather.

5. Socks

6. Shoes

7. Jacket (medium thickness) – You can add blankets around your child if you need to.

8. One Cold Weather hat and one base ball or rimmed hat.

9. Short Sleeve PJ’s with long pants ( You can always add a sweatshirt and

socks if it’s cold). We recommend no footsie PJ’s (though they’re sooo cute) because some places you will travel may be VERY hot and you can’t remove the foot covers.

10. Blankets (to be packed in the diaper bag)-This is to wrap around your child in bad weather or if it’s spectacularly cold.

11. Bibs

12. Remember to pack plenty of zip plastic bags (freezer are the best). These are great bags to place clothes in if an accident occurs.

13. Cheerios or small snacks are great to have on hand

14. Diapers and Wet wipes

15. Formula-Though it is often recommended to stay with the same formula your child is on, we have found just as many times that a child was reacting to a formula and it was causing issues. In some countries formula is hard to come by (you can donate any you bring if you wish).

16. Bottles with disposable liners and several types of nipples in case your child will not eat from one

17. Sippy Cups (for toddlers)

18. Toys that are interactive, but do not make a ton of noise (remember you may have to hear it MANY MANY times and screaming may take place if you try to remove it even for sleep).

19. Pedialite just in case there are hydration issues. We have recently heard of a Pedialite strip that you place on the tongue and it will dissolve. You may want to consult your doctor on these.

Remember when packing the diaper bag, that with spills and accidents you should carry at least 1 to 2 extra outfits (depending on the child). Also, parasites are very common in certain areas of the world and will often cause severe diarrhea.

A Clean Child

1. Child's brush, comb, and nail clippers

2. Soft Qtips for outer ears

3. Toothbrush and child paste

4. Child Shampoo and Soap-Johnson’s Baby

Bath is wonderful, because you can use it for

both soap and shampoo. For an African

American child, Carol's Daughter have

wonderful products. Remember to watch

your child for any skin or food reactions

since their bodies are used to different

products and food.

5. Moisturizer- We love Johnson’s Baby

Lotion and most Carol's Daughter products.

6. Triple Paste (or other) for diaper area- We

tried many other kinds but found Triple Paste to

be the most effective.

7. Wet Wipes.

8. Antibacterial Hand Wipes (for the diaper

bag). You will be amazed what a little one

can get their hand in quickly.

Other Items for home

Baby Bed

Baby Sling (also for trip)-This is wonderful for

bonding with you and your child.

Kangaroo Korner (online) is where

I found mine (and I had tried

EVERYTHING and could not find

one that was comfortable).

Bedding –Sheets (at least 3…accidents

you know!), blankets -(2 for the same reason),

and a pillow IF the child is old enough.

CAR SEAT-age appropriate

Stroller-no matter how much you

KNOW you will carry your baby

everywhere, there will be times

you will wonder if your back will break

if you carry them any farther.

Toys- Age appropriate, watch size…watch

the loud toys as well, not only is there
possibility of them being over stimulating,

but remember that you will have to live

with them. Remember there is a good

chance that your child is starting with

nothing, be careful not to overwhelm

them with a ton and a half of toys. You

may also want to consider some quieter

toys for the return trip back from your

adoptive country.

WE KNOW WE HAVE FORGOTTEN SOMETHING (SMILE).

PLEASE LET US KNOW IF YOU THINK OF SOMETHING!

Don’t hesitate to let us know editorial mistakes either!

We will put food ideas for your child in “Preparing for Your Trip”

Making Your Trip Easier on Other Children

You may be like us and have other children already before considering adoption.

This was a calling for us, but that meant there were other obstacles for us. We needed to prepare our children for a new little brother and prepare our children for our trip to Russia.

We remember looking in our 9, 7, and 2 ½ year olds eyes as we said goodbye to them as we left them at their grandma’s. T.C.(9) was very excited and not very fearful. He would no longer be “girl trapped” when we came back with his little brother from Moscow. Sarah and Anna Sobbed…we tried hard not to cry, but as soon as the door closed our hearts broke, shattered into a million pieces. We were flying a world away to our newest son, while leaving our other children behind.

Be prepared. It is not easy saying goodbye to your other children. If you are at all able and the country you are going to is stable and safe, we highly recommend you bring your other children (and another adult) with you. We not only could not afford this, but in the long run were glad that we didn’t bring our other children. Russia has rampant pornography…even on public signs and such. We suggest you bring another adult so if you have to go to a court appearance, someone you know can watch them. You may not be able to bring children into the courts. Thomas and I have an old adage…if you wouldn’t feel safe leaving your purse there, then don’t leave your children there (on hiring a babysitter in country).

Preparing Your Child

Thomas and I went for three weeks to Russia. The first week Thomas and I went alone. I came back for the second week while Thomas remained with Max in Russia. I then returned for the third week with our 2 ½ year old…Anna.

1. Pray together and share

We involved our children in the whole adoption process. We talked about what we were doing, even what paperwork we were waiting for. We let them know about orphans around the world and what kind of situations they were in. We prayed as a family. We kept only a few things from them.

* Tip- Ask your children if there is anything concerning them about the travel or even having a new brother or sister. Try to ease those concerns.

2. A doll-for young children

For our youngest, Anna (2 ½) we bought her a doll and talked to her about her friend’s little brothers and sisters. She had her baby doll.

3. Decorating your newest members room

We also decorated Max Nikolai’s wall. His theme was farm animals and we had a homemade comforter. Each of our children (and family members) painted a farm animal (tractor, etc.) on his wall and signed their names. Even little Anna put a yellow hand print that we made into a chicken. This helped the kids to feel a part of the process. We also let them pick out clothes, toys for their new baby brother.

Without painting the wall, you can make small pictures (precut regular typing paper slightly smaller than the frame). You then mount them on colored paper before putting them in frames. Our two oldest had done this when our third child, Anna, was born.

4. Bracelets/Key chains/Necklaces

When it was closer to time to go and we had our court date, we started all making bracelets. We made bracelets that had all of the children’s names on them (including Max Nikolai). The children strung them themselves. These were bracelets for the kids and we wore them while we were apart.

Mommy even wore individual bracelets with each child's name on it. These were special and I took them with me to wear in Russia. The kids were thrilled and we made a big deal about it.

This will work with keychains, necklaces, and a ton of other items. Whatever will mean the most to your family.

5. Have them help make a book of pictures for your soon to be adopted child.

We made a book with all the kids pictures in it for Max Nikolai (and had it laminated) so he could see his brothers and sisters in Russia.

6.The Magic Box

The Magic Box was the kid’s favorite. We took a shoebox and covered it with shelf paper and glued fake jewels all over it. We didn’t show it to the kids until the day we left. My husband and I had bought SMALL toys and treats (one for each day) and put a note (of love) with each item.... one for each child. They magically appeared each morning we were gone (magic Grandma), before the kids woke up.

7. A Video

We also made a Video tape for the kids with a message and devotional for each day we were gone.

8. Ask your adoption agency about a country appropriate phone card.

Safety for Your Children While You Are Gone

1. Make sure their caregiver has an emergency medical permission slip allowing them to make medical decisions for your children in your absence.
2. Make sure their caregiver has copies of your insurance card.

3. Make sure they have the name and numbers of the kid's doctor and school.

4. Have they been given permission to pick up your child from school? Has their school and teachers been informed of what's going on (so that they can look for any behavioral issues or insecurity that may arise)?

5. Remember to give the caregiver an emergency number of someone in the

adoption agency who will know where you are at most times.

Remember...this seems like a lot, but it comforted us as well to know, even while we were gone, that our children felt loved and taken care of.

These are just a few of the things we did! We would love to hear your ideas!