Do You Love Me?

One fall evening in the year 2001, shortly after the September 11^th terrorist attacks on the United States, I was attending a yoga and meditation class. I had been enrolled in the classes for some time and was quite comfortable with the routines and the meditations. On this particular evening I injured my neck in one of the yoga postures. The pain was strong but I am a stubborn woman who tends to just suffer through pain rather than draw attention to it. I finished the yoga class and intended on staying for meditation as well.

The pain in my neck did not ease up at all. The stiffness traveled across my shoulders and back as well. Breathing and moving was nearly unbearable. I kept a wonderfully straight spine once in my chair for meditation. Most evenings of meditation, the group would sit in a circle and the lights would be turned off. We would be told to close our eyes and the group leader would guide us through the meditation. This night we would have a special meditation. It was one of the occasions that we would have an eye-to-eye meditation. The group would be paired into partners. We would sit almost knee to knee but not touching. As the meditation leader spoke we were to look directly into the eyes of our partner, watching for God.

My partner was a white-haired, elderly gentleman. I knew him well and was very fond of him. He was a kind and gentle man every time I had met him. Still, my body was wracked with pain. It was a comfort to know that I had an understanding partner, yet sitting in one position would be a challenge.

As the meditation began, I felt myself being lulled into the meditative state. The calmness settled over me and I felt peace. It was easy to find God in the eyes of my partner, I saw him very much as a Godlike figure. Humorously I thought to myself, before reaching the meditative state, this man reminds me of George Burns in the movie “Oh God”. That was the last humorous thought of that evening.

I opened my eyes and there He was. Most would have been in awe, perhaps rendered speechless. Instead I was angry. I wanted to lash out at Him. I wanted answers.

“It’s obvious you are a male.” I scathed at him. “Only a man would create a world and let it fall to pieces this way. Did you even have a plan?”

“My plan was to trust people to take care of the world.” Was the answer that came.

Feeling a bit humbled, a simple, “Oh.” was the best response I could muster. Now, tinged with a bit of guilt for the role I have played in the apathy of humankind toward the world, sinking in self-doubt and beginning to question my worthiness, I asked, “Do you love me?”

“Do you love me?” the question was turned back to me. Now I knew He was a male! Only a man would answer that question with a question!

“Of course I love You! I would give my life for You!” I pleaded.

“Would you give the life of your child?” he calmly questioned.

I was flabbergasted. How could He ask this of me? Could He really expect me to give the life of one of my children? This was so unfair! “Would you really ask that of me?” Now it was I who was avoiding direct answers.

“Would you give the life of your child?” he repeated calmly.

This was so cruel! The burning of the pain in my neck and shoulders seared through me as my emotions ran wild. The sensation of hot tears searing down my cheeks and intense pressure in my mind overwhelmed me. How could I possibly agree to give the life of one of my children up? The bargaining and pleading began. “I love my children with all of my life. Why would you ask to take one of them from me? What could you possibly want with one of my children?” My mind was spinning and He remained silent, patiently awaiting the answer He wanted. “Okay. Maybe I would be willing to give up one child for something that would benefit the whole world, perhaps a cure for cancer, or world peace. It still seems too high of a price to me though. Would you really ask this of me?” My mind continued spinning as I thought of sending one of my children to heaven to be with God. Was it fair for me to consider keeping them here, if God called for them? I have long believed that death is just the beginning, another chapter in the life of our souls. But could I actually let go of one of my children? I began to think I was being selfish. Maybe giving a child to God was a beautiful thing. Yet, I wanted my children with me. I did not want them to go to God. Would He really take them?

“I gave you my son.” His words rattled through me like an earthquake. Tears continued streaming down my face as I realized what a huge sacrifice God had given, to show His love for us.