9:14 pm edt
9:05 pm edt
Beyond a Bush
So it only took 2 weeks to publish my last
post with my brand new whizzin fast modem my uncle made up in his lab. With today's technology he was able to get me all the
way up to a 12k modem speed. Usually it's alot slower, but this time....I have to have the fastest Apple computer round. Speaking
bout my uncle---he was telling me he got some AM reception over his scanner yesterday...he says there's all this hoo ha bout
how our President Bush has bad cabinets. Man, he's in charge of all the things in the world and people are givin him hell
cuz his cabinets are all falling apart and stuff. So WHAT? My cabinets are falling apart too! That's no reason to have a poll
about it.
It reminds me of one Halloween night. Not the night I ran into
a barb-wired fence, but another night. The night I was goin' tricker treatin with Lilly Love. She was all dressed up like
an angel...I, of course, along with many, was impersonating the local superhero..Super Goober! No one knew it was really
me, though. Well, cept the neighbors pup who peed on my leg as he always does when I deliver the paper over there.
Blah.
Anyhow, it was dark. The ghouls were goulin' and the tricksters
were trickin'. Me and Lilly would take any moment to smooch by an oak tree here and there when all of the sudden---out
of nowhere---an egg smacked me on the chops! It fumigated me until I almost lost my top--- and when I put Lilly's
back on...and it was off to the races to chase down Rico Suave who was riding off on his bike yellin'. ''Super Boober! Super
Blooper! Super Booger!'' and all this other not so nice stuff.
Little did he know that among all the Goober impersonators,
this one was the real of them all! Boy, was I ever hot! And kinda stinkin'...but I jumped every fence, ran through every clothes
line and just when I was about to get ahold of Rico...***WHAMMOOO*** I woke up with Rico's momma lookin down at me.
Mrs. Suave, all 300lbs of supplementals said
to me, ''If you ever try to touch my Rico again, I'll yank your lil goober off!'' Yikes! There I was, egg on my face,
a fast growing lump on my forehead and my butt hurt from the Tonka toy I landed on. Insluted.
Just then, out of the corner of my bandana, I saw something
fly thru the air over me, grab Mrs. Suave and hurl her to the ground just like in the backyard wrestlin videos I got---It
was my angel! Lilly Love! Lilly stomped on Rico's toes, booty-slammed him to the ground, then took Mrs. Suave by the arm and
flung her across the yard into the bushes and came to my aide.
I was happy to see her! I could have done all that myself but
if I did, I'd be revealing myself. So, I acted a lil hurt and stood up slowly as if I was in LOTS of pain, held my sore and
put my arms around her shoulder so she could carry me off. All this pretending was paying off. But then...
Mrs. Suave was running towards us from behind...Lilly shoved
me aside into the bushes...took Mrs. Suave into a tornado spin, dropped her on Rico and I...well, it was the last thing I
saw before my eyes were sprayed with stinky, foul-tastin, nose-blisterin skunk perfume. I can still taste it when I eat a
breakfast burrito over at Annie's ''Heat This Pocket'' convenient store.
I bathed in orange juice cuz my uncle said it was the only
thing that worked. Later, I did tomato juice cuz I remembered when he told me to rub toothpaste on my neck to get rid of a
Lilly Love hickie. He's a funner. Anyhow, My point was this......
You always gotta stand behind your President even if his cabinets
are a little stinky. Hell, you never know when he might just decide to remodel his house and add a few more cabinets.
You can't blame his cabinets for all the bad things he's done to us. He's got bigger fish to fry with all this ''Terrist Act''
he wanted congress to pass.
Like my uncle once said, ''Goober, if you try to get in a girls
britches before the hen lays a rock, then your just gonna have to be smart about it and hide beyond a bush.''
Smartest man I know!
10:37 pm edt
Find a Penny, Pick It Up.....
You know, me and my girlfriend don't always have that much time to spend together. I'm always here selling gas and she's
always busy loaning money to people who want to open up new businesses like our most recent store, the DigferaDollar. Lilly
has to be the smartest woman in town and by far the prettiest! She is always looking out for me and this is just part
of why I love her so much. So, whenever we do get together, it's always an adventure.
One Sunday, I closed early cuz Lilly called me and said, ''Goobykins, close early on Sunday.'' She had made plans
for us to go for a hike in the nearby hills and have a picnic! That sounded great to me cuz I was hungrier than a pig wollering
at a chinese buffet with no shoes on something or other...But her heart was really set on catching a glimpse of a rare bird,
the Bald Hookerbellows.
I can't really describe the land or stuff like that and since I was never good at geometry, I'll just say it's
prolly more than not as hilly as the skylines where your at. But it's hilly! So, off we go, me in my shorts and sandals, her
in her hiking boots and summer skirt. I like the summer skirt! Just as I stepped on my first prickly pear, I saw a rusted,
water stained object on the ground. As Lilly was taking the stickers off my ankles, I realized it was a penny.
Now, my uncle used to have a saying about picking up pennies. He'd say, ''Booger, find a penny, pick it up and put
it in your pocket. Don't be stoopid!'' And I did just that. Lilly said it sometimes also had to do something
with having luck but I thought she was just silly. We continued on and held hands along the way. I can't stand to look
down the hill without getting dizzy.
And there we were. We were sitting at the rock where I first asked Lilly to be my girl and she said no over and
over again. It took a few trips but she finally said yes. We started the picnic. Her with a chicken taco salad
cream pie.... and me? Well, what else? The food that gave me my super powers! Fish fried in some of Mrs. Pussfoot's left
over grease. Every special occassion meal gets crunchier and tastier!
It was then when I sensed a tingling in my ear and suddenly felt the sudden urge to act! Quickly,
I excused myself. While I was swiping at the nats above and around my head, I began to relieve myself. Though, out of
the corner of my eye, I saw a man pointing a shotgun up to a tree. I got out my super Jacker Crack binoculars and zoomed in
on the tree. It was the Bald Hookerbellows!
I was froze. I couldn't move! Partly, because I wasn't done yet but mostly cuz I didn't want to alarm Lilly. So, I did
what any ordinary man would do in this situation. I told her I had to do the #2 and be longer than I thought. ''I'll go upwind.''
I said. I knew I had to stop the man from shooting Lilly's bird! It was time for Super Goober!!
With the speed of a high-powered hand drill and the swift hands of hibatchi grill chefs, I dropped my shorts,
lifted up my aqua- colored super suit! With my orange bandana mask on and my original, now safety orange-polka
dotted towel cape( to cover the burn marks ), and off I flew!
Up...up...and wayyyyyyy past the tree I thought I was headed for before my tumbling took a different direction (by way
of a large chunk of limestone). Bouncing up and over and thru the fenced property line, I bravely went! Just as
I had better control of my flight, ***WHAMMM*** I knew I had made the destination point! Everything went dark....so dark.....
''Goobykins? Wake up dear. Your going to be o.k.'' I remember waking up and seeing Lilly smiling at me. ''Mr. Meenose
said you were very brave by killing that snake in the tree. Thank you so much for my Bald Hookerbellows!'' I looked over and
smiling at me was Mr. Meenose holding a bird in a cage with a ribbon on it. ''You did a great job Goob. Sorry, I took you
away from your picnic. If i need your help again, I'll call you ok? Thanks.''
Lilly was so happy that day. She not only saw the Bald Hookerbellows. Now,she owned one! As for me, well, remember
I told you that I heal up quick. I had just one question about the whole thing. How did I get my super suit back in my shorts
so quickly before Lilly and Mr. Meenose saw? Lilly kissed me on the cheek. ''Thank you Goobykins! I'm the luckiest
girl in the whole wide world! Oh, and here...Mr. Meenose said you dropped that when you bumped your head on the tree.
I told you it was good luck!''
Ain't that the truth!
Goober :)
Once upon a time, there is me....
Name: Goober
Aliases: Goob, Booger, Goobykins
Age: 25 in superhero years
Height: 6'3
Weight: 112lbs
Occupation: Owns a gas station
Location: Small Texas town population 2000 plus lots of deer, etc.
Significant other: Girlfriend Lilly Love.
Registered Superhero name: Super Goober
Titles held: Winner and defender of the 4th of July ''Smoke a Firecracker'' contests 2003, 2004, 2006.
Quotes: Fighting crime and stuff every day or so....
Hi. My name is Goober. I've begun this log of my adventures because It's getting harder to keep my identity as a
Superhero a secret. I figure that if I can write about it, it'll help bunches. My girlfriend doesn't know about this so it's
between me and you guys. Ok? Ok! So, hmmmmm..let me see....Where do I start?
My pops named me after an American movie actor who he said was famous way back when the world was black and white. He
said the actor worked at a gas station and also fought crime when he was called for. He must have been brave cuz he had to
chase bad guys through traffic lights while guessing the colors. Must have been tuff living back then.
My moms said she always knew I would be special since I heal up real quick. She said my skin was tuff as a boars butt
cuz I stopped bleeding before she found the band aids. She was a lovely woman. My girlfreind reminds me of her
lots. I miss both my folks since they passed. But I guess everyone has that time in their lives when your parents decide
to cross the border and retire to Mexico.
Anyways, I knew I was becoming a Superhero the very first time when I was at the annual Halloween dance
and festival out at the local barn. I was 15 years old and everyone was dancing and bobbing for oreo cookies in
the rum barrel. I had just bought my coupon and was in line when suddenly, I heard a loud scream. Mrs. Pussfoot's
fish fryer had caught the table on fire and I had to spring into action. Was I glad the old folks tramploline
was set up close to me that day! I jumped over the barbed wire, grabbed a towel by the Sprite dunk tank and bounced
off the trampoline hard!
While still in the air, I remembered the fireman, Mr. Binaca, who came to the school in 6th grade and taught us
how to turn off a fire. Quickly, I wrapped the towel around me, fell on the fire and rolled up and down the table with the
greatest of might! I could feel it burning but I wouldn't let it beat me. I kicked my legs, coughed and slapped myself
until someone threw a can of baking soda on me. Everyone cheered! I was a hero. Mrs. Pussfoot later thanked me by
giving me all the left over grease from her fryers after it cooled.
It was while I was taking the grease to my scooter that I heared the most beautiful voice ever. ''Your welcomed
booger.'' She said. I turned around and there she was. Lilly Love. The most beautiful girl in school and the most
popular. Her skin was so smooth you could mistake it for pet milk. She brushed my hair that night. She said
she had never seen so many burnt lice in all her life. It was love at first sight. More on her as my story unfolds.
Right now, I am glad to introduce myself to you. I am relieved that after so many years I found this internet thing where
I can expose myself to you. I better be going cuz there's people lined up outside to get gas and I'm busy typing.
It's not good for business when people are yelling bad words out in public. It remeinds me of something my uncle
once said about cussin. He said, ''If youre gonna say things like f#*k and s*^T!, you better mean them cuz you never
know who else will take the rabbit out of it's Easter basket.''
He was a smart man.
I better go!
Good to meet you all and I am excited to be sharing all of my past, present and future adventures with you soon!
Goober :)
