It's not either/or, black or white. It's not constructive OR destructive; joyful OR miserable; productive OR unproductive; life-affirming OR life-wasting. There will always be degrees of both states coexisting at the same time. The concept of coexisting degrees is a much more accurate way to look at, and evaluate, a seemingly conflicting reality.

 

Psychological dysfunction is defined as irrational, addictive, obsessive, compulsive, self-destructive behavior, thoughts, choices or emotions and an impaired ability to consistently learn from experience. Dysfunction is not the same as mental illness, although the two often coexist, and each malady requires an entirely different treatment protocol. The National Alliance On Mental Illness (www.nami.org) states that about 6% of the U.S. population, one in seventeen Americans, suffers from some type of serious mental illness. That translates to one out of five families. 

 

About 50% of my clients take prescription medication for one or more mental illnesses that afflict them along with their dysfunction. If it's appropriate, I will explain how those meds work and discuss the side effects, interactions and contraindications.

 

Sometimes it's definitely not appropriate. Prescribing physicians often spend months trying to get psychiatric patients to take medication in the first place, which they can quit taking if they suddenly have to process too much new information about it.  

    
Not all people find their own psychological dysfunction unpleasant. Many see their misery as a way of gaining influence over other people. It's called trophy polishing and it means using one's suffering to control other people. The pleasure of manipulating other people overcomes the pain of the dysfunction, so there's no reason to give it up. On the contrary, trophy polishers tend to fight hard to hold on to their self destructive mind-set.
 
My client relationships invariably address difficult, sometimes painful personal and/or business concerns. In all cases, I always start my work by helping people to improve their relationships with themselves. 

 

Then we may work on personal relationships with family, friends, intimates, partners & strangers.

 

Then we may work on business relationships with co-workers, employees, supervisors, bosses, executives, directors, shareholders, vendors, consultants, advisors, customers and prospects.

 

Whether relationships are personal or business, nothing changes. The basics remain the same. People are still interacting with people; minds are still connecting.

 

And one mind, in one person, is communicating something to any other person's mind that cares to observe, 365 days a year, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. We tend to be aware of only about 5% of the total data we communicate; observers can choose to be aware of the other 95%. Guess who will probably wind up knowing more about us than we do. What do you think they will do with that information?

 

A human mind always relates to itself first, with varying degrees of functionality and success. However good or bad it is, the primary relationship with one's self is the first thing that other people see, and decide to accept, reject, take advantage of or exploit.

 

For example, if you meet people who are at war with themselves, constantly engaging in self-destructive behavior, you probably won't want to develop a warm, fuzzy personal relationship with them; but if you're an arms merchant,  or a marketer of distractions, you may want to develop a business relationship with them.

 

Here's a definition of relationship that I strongly recommend: "A meeting of minds in order to create, and exchange, something of value." This definition is just as vital to a personal belief system as it is to a company's mission statement.

 

One single thing defines a mind's relationship to itself, or to another mind, and that is the concept of truth, perceived truth: the unique, perceived truth of one mind.

 

Truth about what? Three things, three relationships:

 

with the Self.
with other people.
with the world/universe.

 

A set of beliefs about truth is, by definition, a philosophy. Everyone has a set of beliefs about truth, therefore, everyone has a personal philosophy. What matters most is whether they have acquired their particular set of beliefs about truth rationally and on purpose, or by accident and default.

 

Our beliefs control 100% of our actions, 100% of our choices and 100% of our psychological distress. Our beliefs also control 99% of our emotions: 1% is hardwired into our biology for survival purposes, such as fear of falling etc.

 

Beliefs run our lives and are either based upon reality or fantasy. Reality-based beliefs are constructive; fantasy-based beliefs are destructive.

 

Dysfunctional core beliefs are just about always fantasy-based, which causes people to make irrational choices based upon whims, wishes and fears, not reality.

 

Generally, the more psychologically functional people are, the more likely it is that they will be able to name the primary, reality-based beliefs that make up their personal philosophy.

 

I challenge you to identify at least one of your own core beliefs, because anyone else on earth, friend or foe, can learn what your core beliefs are just by watching your choices and your actions. And if you don't know what your own core beliefs are, and they do, guess who has the power? Not you.

 

There is a sequence. What I believe to be true about myself will determine what I believe to be true about someone else. If I believe I am a hammer, then everyone else will be a nail. If I believe I am weak, vulnerable and ineffective, then everyone else will appear dangerous and threatening to me. If I believe that I am some kind of bulletproof, immortal deity with all the power in the world at my command, then I will see everyone else as either my subject or my slave.

 

However, if I have a healthy, realistic, functional set of beliefs about myself, I will see everyone else as a fellow-traveler on the narrow road to understanding and discovery, where there will be no room for slaves, masters or victims.

 

So what gets in the way of healthy relationships, both personally and in business?

 

Destructive choices and an inability to learn from experience (the clinical definition of dysfunction).

 

Humans have to choose between life and death with every heartbeat; neither option is chosen automatically. We have to pick one or the other, and if we choose to do nothing, our fate will fall into the hands of those who will make decisions that will help themselves, not us. 

 

Choosing not to choose is absolutely the worst, most self-destructive choice a human being can make.

 

We are always choosing. Since every choice is based upon less than 100% knowledge, outcomes will vary all over the place; then we get to make some new choices, over and over again, as we endeavor to minimize negative outcomes and maximize positive outcomes. That's what healthy, functional humans do: from experience they learn how to make better, more constructive choices. Psychologically dysfunctional people can't do it consistently, or at all.

 

Geoffrey Hamilton