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Shamrocks & Stones Book Discussion Group

Shamrotica:  The Limericks of Shamrocks & Stones

Orin the Pig
(1 November 2006)

There was wee pig from Bundoran
Whose name was most unfortunately Orin
He took a wee trip
To the pub for a nip
And was served by a man with a sporran.

Orin slurped down his Guinness with fervor
Wee Graham did be the name of his server
Wee Graham, without height
Started picking a fight
With Orin and his best mate Trevor.

Trevor was a brawny young brawler
Known to make young ladies holler
He gives Orin a wink
And slips Cindy a drink
But it doesn’t quite mean what you’d figure

This she bolts in the shebeen
And begins to look rather green
"Oh braw Trevor’ says she
I know you want me
But your offerings seem pretty lean

Orin had quite enough of this nonsense
Said he, Trevor, I’ll give you two-pence
For-a-dance with-the-lass at-the-bar
She’s been fair easy so far
And they left braw Trevor in suspence

While Orin and Cindy got busy
Poor wee Graham was feeling right dizzy
He reached for a chair
Seeing Cindy was bare
And called for his wee lassie, Lizzie

Lizzie took Graham by the arm
And whispered with all of her charm
That pig’s had quite a piss-up
Y’ken I’ve seen him close-up
Let’s grab Cindy and keep her from harm!

Noelle’s New Year Dream
(2 January 2007)

Winter solstice has passed,the days are getting longer
My yearning for Trace just keeps growing stronger
Oh, what's a poor lass to do?
When Trace is so far from you
And the calendar won't satisfy your hunger.

When Trace got word of Noelle's feelings.
The realization sent the lad reeling!
He saddled his horse.
And set on a course
And went looking for her and that special feeling.

Trace found Noelle by the calendar.
And gave 'er his big salamander
With delight she did squeal
Knocking Trace head over heels
and he said, "I'll let you be my commander"

Now Trace being really quite large.
Was strong enough to tow a barge
In his arms he took Noelle
Said "Baby let's raise some hell"
And Noelle the happy lass, shouted "Charge!"

Down on the couch--then a knock at the door!!
Together their naked bodies hit the floor
'Twas Martin who knocked
and Noelle's chastity belt unlocked
She was ready to take on some more.

Trace and Martin began to fight over Noelle
In ran Stephen, exclaiming "What the hell?!?!"
Noelle's face turned bright red
While the man that she had wed
Said "Wake up Noelle, you're havin' a spell."

Noelle was so disappointed.....
Her statements completely disjointed
"Alas, 'twas a dream"
Of body paint and cream
and gorgeous men sufficiently anointed.

Colin and the Maiden
(6 December 2006)

There was a fair maiden from Belfast
Who met Colin Farrell at long last.
She took one look at his face,
And began to give chase
Thinking snogging the lad would be a blast.

Colin pondered to run or to stay,
But those 'big feet' of his got in the way.
He fell in her arms
and succumbed to her charms,
Keeping all other lasses at bay.

Colin showed the dear maid his tattoos.
She said 'Darlin don't make me choose'
"Those tats make me quiver
And ye'll have to deliver
an offer I cannot refuse."

With a grin on his mischievous face
He said lass come on back to my place.
'tis a croft in the heather,
and a bed filled with feather.
Ye'll melt when you're in my embrace.

Oh now the maid was verra excited.
Every inch of her delighted .
Her heartbeat was rushing,
But Colin was blushing
'Til the fair maiden's mother was sighted.

Colin, ne'er stolen a pleasure
The maid's Mum was showing displeasure.
Then Liam arrived,
Took mom for a long drive
And she forgot about them altogether!

The maid turned to Colin in earnest.
Said 'lad you're turnin' me into a furnace
I'm not sure I can wait
Take me now 'for it's too late
And in hell we shall both surely burnest!

Now Colin could care less 'bout burnin
For pleasure they both were a' yearnin'
He discarded his pants
With no assistance
And said "maid let’s get down to learnin!"

'Tween the sheets she needed no urgin'
For their passion was hotly surgin’
She shouted for release
As his thrusts did increase
He was grateful she wasn't a virgin.

They all say that size doesn't matter
But his could be served on a platter
Oh! The sounds she was making
All the while her thighs were shakin'
And still (!) it kept getting fatter

The noise was attracting attention
Though it was definitely not the intention
The paparazzi did gather
All in a lather
Though his member does rate a mention

Our Colin had no reservations
No way could he stop the vibrations
With his devilish smile
And his emerald isle ‘style’
His profile created quite the sensation!

Bridget and the Midget
(7 March 2007)

There once was a wee lass named Bridget
Who had an uncontrollable fidget
Her hands ne'er did rest
She was anxious and stressed
So she found use for her hand on one happy midget!

Her lust was a palpable thing
To start her was like pulling a string
When she started to pant
The wee midget did chant
"Ohh, use the ring, use the ring, use the ring!"

But the ring it did fall to the floor
So Bridget got down on all four.
A wicked grin did appear
Spreading from ear to ear
and the midget did call out "more, more, more!"

Bridget glanced at her darling wee manie,
While up in the air was her fanny
The ring was forgotten
But their timing was rotten,
Oh, for a wee man that's one big shamie.

He got so terribly frustrated
But his lust was unabated
He shimmied up her leg
Said "Darlin' don't make me beg "
"My manhood is greatly underrated!"

"You see, height can be deceiving "
"I'll soon have your bosom heaving"
He lowered his breeches
Which put her in stitches
And the wee man was left sorely grieving.

Just then Casey burst through the door
He scowled "pick up yer pants off the floor!"
"That's my little lass "
"Get yer filthy hands off her ass,"
Ad don't you dare ever call her a whore!"

Casey's body was raging red hot
Bridget’s senses were tied in a knot
She said, "Do me now..."
"Where's that ring anyhow?"
"Put that bluidy thing on me you will not!"

Casey threw Bridget back on the bed
"Brace yourself" was all that he said,
All in the nude he knelt over her
And gave her a vigorous stir
While her legs, with much joy, she did spread!

Casey cried "you taste like sweet honey"
"I've ne'er seen a more beauteous cunny."
But Bridget just laughed,
And said "lad, don't be daft"
"You're so skilled, you could do this for money."

Now Bridget the tables did turn,
There were things Casey needed to learn
So she played on his flute,
The poor man was mute
Bridget's talents Casey never would spurn.

Then wee Bridget tried something new
An Altoid she started to chew,
Cindy taught me this trick,
to try on a mick
And Casey said "Oh Jaysus, Thank You!"

Such sensation should be strictly taboo
Alas, t'was only a dream and t'was not true
Bridget awoke with a start!
Her hand at her heart
And the wee midget was still in her room

Our lusty lass said, "Thank God"
"The wee one is a tri-pod"
She wasn’t yet spent
And his pants formed a tent
So she leapt on the man and his rod.

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