HELLBOY 2: THE ROCK-EM SOCK-EM ROBOTS
A Parody
ARMY BASE, THE FIFTIES. CHRISTMAS EVE.
DR. BROOM
Go to sleep or Santa won't come.
How can he come when we don't have a chimney?
DR. BROOM
He emerges from the shadows like Rasputin.
YOUNG RED
Cool. Can I have a story first?
DR. BROOM
How about a prologue instead?
YOUNG RED
Okay.
PROLOGUE
Once upon a time in Intermediate Earth, Man fought Elves and Goblins and kicked their asses even though they had magic and he had none.
And then a Goblin Engineer went to the King Of The Elves and said, hey, how about commissioning an army of indestructible Rock-Em Sock-Em Robots from me and kick Man's ass for a while?
And the King Of The Elves said, why don't you just build your own army and kick Man's ass yourself?
And the Goblin said look, it's a prologue, just go with it.
And the King Of The Elves said, okay.
So the Goblin engineer built 4,900 Giant Rock-Em Sock-Em Robots for the King Of The Elves and Man got his ass kicked so bad even most of the Elves and Goblins felt kind of bad about it.
So the King Of The Elves broke the remote control unit into three pieces and as a peace offering gave one of them to Man, who promptly lost it down the back of the couch. The other two pieces he kept for himself.
YOUNG RED
Why did he break it in three pieces and keep two? Why not break it into two of unequal size?
PROLOGUE
I'm a prologue, just go with me. Anyhoo, the King's Son said, This will all end in tears. I'm going into the West now but I'll be back when it all goes South. And the King's Daughter said, Bye! And then a lot of time passed and you came along.
RED
ME?
[ MAIN TITLE -- HELLBOY 2: THE ROCK-EM SOCK-EM ROBOTS ]
ELWOOD BLUES'S APARTMENT, NIGHT
SON OF KING OF THE ELVES
The city's done away with rent control? That's it, they all must die.
Come, monstrous Mr. Wink, let's kill people.
MR. WINK
Grr. (CAPTION: I feel so Gaimanesque.)
AGATHA CHRISTIE'S AUCTION HOUSE, NIGHT
AUCTIONEER
Our next item is a bit of unidentifiable rubbish found down the back of an ancient Sumerian couch. Let's start the bidding at Humongous.
(crickets)
Enormous?
(crickets)
Big?
(crickets)
Stupid credit default swaps.
SON OF THE KING OF THE ELVES
I bid your immediate death.
AUCTIONEER
Do I hear my immediate death and that of every human in this room?
MR. WINK
(raises bidding paddle)
AUCTIONEER
Do I hear my immediate death, that of every human in this room, and enormous property damage?
SON OF THE KING OF THE ELVES
(raises bidding paddle)
AUCTIONEER
Do I hear my immediate death, that of every human in this room, enormous property damage and a single wafer-thin piece of chocolate?
(crickets)
Going once, going twice...sold!
[ SOTKOTE OPENS A BOX AND EVERY HUMAN IN THE ROOM IS EATEN BY PIRANHA TERMITES ]
MR. WINK
Grr. (CAPTION: Why am I here?)
MEN IN BLACK HEADQUARTERS, NEW JERSEY, NIGHT
HILARIOUS DOMESTIC DISPUTE
Yow! Rar! Fft! EXPLODE!
ABE SAPIEN
Katie Kaboom can clear out a room. I wish I had my own Katie Kaboom.
ZED
You're creeping me out, Abe.
Stop rubbing up against me.
ABE
I'm merely establishing the internal motivations of my character.
ZED
Well, keep them internal. Hellboy! Girlfriend! It's time to go do MIB stuff. Cuban cigars for Red if he can be discreet.
AGATHA CHRISTIE AUCTION HOUSE, NIGHT
RED
Man, where did all these annoying little creatures come from?
ABE
Those are MIB agents, or as I like to call them, cannonfodder.
[ PIRANHA TERMITES ATTACK ]
RED
How about those annoying little creatures?
ABE
Those are mystical piranha termites. They attack in a cloud of one hundred thousand and can devour an entire herd of cowboys in three seconds.
RED
(raises his BFG)
I'll use the Samaritan here to pick 'em off one by one while they devour all those MIB agents.
MIB AGENTS
Thanks, Red.
[ MIB AGENTS ARE EATEN BY PIRANHA TERMITES ]
RED
Okay, Liz, how about that old fireball attack I would have suggested earlier except that I don't like MIB agents all that much?
LIZ
Get away from the window.
RED
What's that? Stand in front of the window?
LIZ
Get AWAY from the window.
RED
And sit on the sill? Okay.
LIZ
(sighs and explodes)
[ THE PIRANHA TERMITES ARE INCINERATED. RED IS BLOWN OUT THE WINDOW AND LANDS ON A POLICE CAR ]
RED
I love New York!
NEW YORK
We hate you!
RED
Bah.
MIB HEADQUARTERS, NIGHT
ZED
No cigars for you. Also, I've been replaced as MIB commander.
RED
By who?
GHOST OF SETH MACFARLANE IN DIVING SUIT
Me, und it'z freakin' shveet!
RED
Oh, crap.
GIDS
Vhy is Achent Zapien rubbing himshelf againzt me?
ABE
It's character development.
GIDS
Oh. ...I didn't zay shtop, honeybun...
ABE
Freakin' sweet!
GIDS
Anyhoo, I have recovered a dead piranha termite and vill now reanimate itz tiny little limbic zyztem to find out where it came from.
PIRANHA TERMITE
Grr. (CAPTION: Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal...)
GIDS
He zayz he's from the Brooklyn Bridge Mystic Wal-Mart.
RED
There's no such place. We've checked.
GIDS
You never been dere with ME, sonny-jim. I gotz the zpecial Agatha Heterodyne brand goggles vot let you see things no one else can see.
BROOKLYN BRIDGE, NIGHT
RED
(dons goggles)
Wow, I can see right through that bag lady's clothes.
ABE
Give me those goggles!
GIDS
(dons goggles)
She'z a zuperunnatural creature!
ABE
The kind you don't take home to Mother! GIMME THEM GOGGLES!
RED
All right, all right.
ABE
(dons goggles)
...ew. Oh well, beggars can't be choosers.
SUPERUNNATURAL BAG LADY
EEEEK!
RED
Show us the entrance to Wal-Mart or I'll let him keep doing that.
SBL
Never!
ABE
Mmm. Thank you.
SBL
All right! All right! Here it is! GO! IN!
ABE
I can't, I have no external--
RED
She means into the store.
ABE
Poo.
BROOKLYN BRIDGE MYSTIC WAL-MART, NIGHT
GIDS
Zis is AMAZING! Vot an incredible SET! It's HUGE! It must have cost a FORTUNE!
LINDSEY GRAHAM
And look at the BARGAINS! Magic carpets for a DOLLAR!
RED
(grabbing a random passerby)
Tell me everything I need to know or I'll punch you backwards in time.
RANDOM PASSERBY
Squeep? (CAPTION: I don't understand English.)
[ RED PUNCHES RANDOM PASSERBY BACKWARDS IN TIME. RANDOM PASSERBY TAKES NIGHT COURSES IN ENGLISH WHILE RETURNING TO THE PRESENT ]
RED
(to random passerby)
Tell me everything I need to know or I'll punch you backwards in time.
RANDOM PASSERBY
You want the Plot Developments department. It's over there, just past the Inexplicable Grinding Jaws of Death.
RED
Thanks.
[ THEY HEAD FOR THE PLOT DEVELOPMENTS DEPARTMENT. ON THE WAY, RED BUMPS INTO MR. WINK AND KNOCKS HIM INTO THE INEXPLICABLE GRINDING JAWS OF DEATH ]
MR. WINK
Arrgh. (CAPTION: Zootlewurdle.)
PLOT DEVELOPMENTS DEPARTMENT, NIGHT
DAUGHTER OF THE KING OF THE ELVES
You should not have come here.
ABE
I haven't--yet!
GIDS
Ach, vot a great script zis is! All it needz iz a talking dog.
DOTKOTE
I find you strangely attractive, fish-boy. Why don't I come back to MIB headquarters and see you sometime?
ABE
Okay.
MIB HEADQUARTERS, NIGHT
RED
I don't think this is true love, kid.
ABE
But I feel something for her. I mean, I would, if I had external--
RED
TMI, kid! Here, let's get drunk.
ABE
Okay. I'll put on this K-TEL compilation of romantic love songs that gives me comfort in my unique loneliness.
K-TEL COMPILATION ALBUM
o/~ BOOM BOOM BOOM, LET'S GO BACK TO MY ROOM, SO WE CAN DO IT ALL NIGHT, AND YOU CAN MAKE ME FEEL ALL RIGHT--
SON OF THE KING OF THE ELVES
It's because of K-Tel compilation albums like this that mankind must die.
RED
You have a point there, but my girlfriend is human, so I'm going to challenge you to a duel.
SOTKOTE
(stabs Red with an Elfen Spear)
You lose and are doomed -- unless!
ABE
Unless what?
SOTKOTE
My sister hid the missing piece of the remote control of doom somewhere in this room. Bring it to me and I'll spare his life. I'll be in Ireland. Bye.
ABE
(after picking up mystic impressions from DOTKOTE, finds the missing piece)
Aha, here it is. I'll slip it into my back pocket and hold out for Red's life and a big wet sloppy smooch from the Elf guy's sister.
GIDS
Did you find it?
ABE
Uhh...nope!
LIZ
This is awful. Let's go to Ireland without it and see if...
GIDS
See if vot, Agent Liz?
LIZ
I don't know.
GIDS
Okay.
IRELAND, DAY
GIANT PLANT MONSTER
I'm a mean green mother from the Netherworld, and YOU FORGOT ALL ABOUT ME!
THE SQUIRREL TECHNOLOGIST
Doh!
GIDS
Don't you mean, um, "freakin' sour!"
GIANT PLANT MONSTER
Screw you guys, I'm going home!
GIDS
Dat's more like it...I zink...
GOBLIN ENGINEER ON WHEELS
Halt! If you want to get to the final stage of the plot, you've got to give me something.
LIZ
How about this steampunk wheelchair left over from WILD WILD WEST?
GEOW
AND something shiny, like that spearhead embedded in that guy's chest!
LIZ
If we remove it, it will kill him.
GEOW
Have I got the guy for you.
MINES OF MORIA, NIGHT
GEOW
So, you're here to do something about the Rock-Em Sock-Em Robots I built, huh? Well, good. But you'd better do it quick, cos once they're turned on there's no stopping 'em.
ABE
I know how they feel.
DEATH
Hi.
LIZ
WTFOMGBBQ!?
GIDS
Vot a zurprizing und convenient development dis iz!
GUILLERMO DEL TORO
Tenía prisa. Relájese.
GIDS
Vot?
ABE
He says he was in a hurry, so relax. Relax. Like in the song by Frankie Goes To Hollywood. Oh yes, oh yes.
LITTLE DEATH
Hi.
ABE
Oh. My. GOD.
GIDS
I'll just mop zis up...
DEATH
Here's the deal. If you remove that spearhead, I'll take him. But if I remove that spearhead, you'll take him.
LIZ
That sounds...as logical as anything else so far.
DEATH
But there's a catch. If he lives, he'll destroy the world.
LIZ
Whatever. Just do it.
DEATH
Okay.
LIZ
He's still dead.
DEATH
No, he's just resting.
JOHN CLEESE'S LAWYER
Hi.
DEATH
I mean, you have to give him a reason to live.
LIZ
(pulls out a box of cigars)
Here, Red.
RED
Excellent! Cuban! What's it say here on the wrappers?
LIZ
"It's Going To Be A Boy." Hint, hint.
RED
I beg your pardon?
LIZ
Somebody knocked me up. And it was probably you.
ABE
Since when does Red have DNA? He's the Scion of Hades. Are you sure it wasn't Agent Myers from the last movie?
LIZ
Zip it, Abe!
ABE
I don't have external--
RED
I can't be a father. I might spank the kid backwards in time!
LIZ
We'll work that out later. Let's go, we're in the last reel.
BIG ROOM OF GEARS, NIGHT
SOTKOTE
Okay, let's see, I've got the third of the remote control of doom I bought at auction. And the third that I took off the crystallized corpse of my dad.
(beat)
Uh...help me out here, what does that leave?
ABE
This, the remaining third, which I will swap you for a big sloppy wet smooch from your sister.
SOTEKOT
You know, due to our mystic twinnitude, I experience everything she does.
ABE
Meaning?
SOTKOTE
Meaning it's a total deal, silly!
[ ABE THROWS HIM THE REMAINING THIRD ]
RED
Abe, you traitor! When this is all over, I'll join you in your treason.
SOTKOTE
(assembles the remote control of doom)
Okay, honeybun, give him his big sloppy wet smooch while I kill his friends with my robot army.
DOTKOTE
I'm only doing this because he's kind of cute.
[ THE ROCK-EM SOCK-EM ROBOTS ATTACK ]
RED
Liz, I'm going to shoot these guys one at a time. I've got six bullets left and there are 4,900 of them, but those are the kind of odds I like. Don't, like, try to melt them en masse or anything.
GIDS
Agent Girl, I'm going to take one of ze 4,900 over through my mystic powers of being dead and beat up on zem until zey notice vot's happening and destroy my robot body. Don't try to melt zem en masse or anything.
LIZ
Okay.
[ FIVE MINUTES OF CGI FIGHT SCENE LATER ]
RED
Well! That was ineffectual.
GIDS
All ze Robotz of Doom I busted up seem to have reconstructed zemselves.
RED
Are you finished over there, Abe?
DOTKOTE
No, he's not!
SOTKOTE
Whoa.
RED
This requires strategy. What's this missing page of script on the floor here say?
SOTKOTE
It says you can challenge me to a duel for the right to control the robot army, but could you hold off for a while?
LITTLE DEATH
Hi.
DOTKOTE, SOTKOTE and ABE
Sigh.
SOTKOTE
Okay, we can fight now.
[ TWO MINUTES OF SINGLE COMBAT LATER ]
RED
I win. Now surrender, because if I kill you, your sister dies, and my dad gave me a conscience for Christmas back in the Fifties.
SOTKOTE
Okay, I surrender...NO I DON'T!
DOTKOTE
Yes you do.
SOTKOTE
Arrgh! My sister just committed murder-suicide.
RED
Don't be a baby. It's just a scratch.
MERCUTIO
Ask for him tomorrow, and you shall find him a grave man!
SOTKOTE
Why did you do it, honeybun?
DOTKOTE
What else did I have to look forward to?
ABE
Damn, I'm good.
DEATH
Hi.
ABE
Alas.
RED
So, here we are with the remote control of doom. What power this could give me!
LIZ
You've already got the power to destroy the world.
RED
Oh yeah, I forgot.
(throws the remote control into Mount Doom)
GOLLUM
Ow! Litterbug!
IRELAND, DAY
ZED
(arriving by helicopter)
What's going on here?
ABE, LIZ, RED AND GIDS
We quit. We feel underappreciated and stuff. Suck our respective--
MEL BROOKS
Blucher.
HORSES
Whinny!
ZED
Fine. Have fun walking home. I'll have your desks cleared out for you.
(flies away)
[ END TITLES ]
ABE
Why can't I have a schwarnstucker?
