STARLESS TREKLESS

A Parody

INT. SPACE -- The USS MELVIN flying along. A COLOSSAL NEGATIVE SPACE WEDGIE appears.

 

INT. MELVIN BRIDGE

 

CONN OFFICER

Captain Robau, there's a colossal negative space wedgie forming off the port bow. Shall I a) move away, b) get us out of here, or c) do nothing?

 

ROBAU

I say C.

 

An ENORMOUS BIG THING starts to emerge from the SPACE WEDGIE.

 

CONN

A, B or C?

 

ROBAU

Um...

 

GEORGE KIRK

Hey! I've got a pregnant wife aboard.

 

ROBAU

Definitely C.

 

GEORGE KIRK

Jerk.

 

The ENORMOUS BIG THING blows the crap out of the MELVIN.

 

COMM

We're being hailed.

 

ALBINO DARTH MAUL

(on screen)

Hi. Why don't you send your captain over in a shuttlecraft so we can ask him some questions we could ask just as easily right now?

 

ROBAU

I'll be right over. Kirk, you've got the con.

 

ROBAU flies over to the ENORMOUS BIG THING.

 

INT. ENORMOUS BIG THING

 

ALBINO DARTH MAUL

What time is it?

 

ROBAU

Howdy Doody time?

 

CAPTAIN NEMO

Wrong answer!

 

ROBAU

Quarter past a freckle?

 

NEMO kills ROBAU.

 

INT. MELVIN

 

GEORGE KIRK

Well, crap. Abandon ship! I'll defend the escape pods with my mad first-person-shooter skills and die heroically.

 

INT. ESCAPE POD

 

MRS. KIRK

Jerk. I'm naming the baby after your father.

 

BABY KIRK

Waa! I don't want to be named Tiberius!

 

GEORGE KIRK

Let's name him after your father.

 

BABY KIRK

Waa! I don't want to be named James!

 

MR & MRS KIRK

What would you prefer?

 

BABY KIRK

Austin Danger.

 

MRS KIRK

James Tiberius it is.

 

GEORGE KIRK

Hey honey! Watch me crash the MELVIN in such as fashion as to avoid rupturing the warp core and blowing this enormous big thing to bits.

 

HE DOES.

 

SURVIVORS

How did he manage that?

 

BOB ORCI

Shut up!

 

An ENORMOUS FASCIST STARFLEET INSIGNIA appears to signify the passage of TIME.

 

NEWSWEEK

So long, sucker.

 

EXT. IOWA -- GRAND CANYON II

 

LOU DOBBS

(climbs out, throws down his shovel)

If this doesn't keep 'em out, nothing will!

 

A SHINY RED SUPERSTOCK DODGE driven by JAMES TIBERIUS KIRK, age 10, roars by.

 

INT. DODGE

 

LITTLE EXTREMELY OLD LADY FROM PASADENA

(V.O., on antique NOKIA car phone)

You get back here, you little twerp!

 

KIRK drives the DODGE into the GRAND CANYON but JUMPS OUT at the last MOMENT.

 

HIGHWAY PATROLMAN RODDENBERRY

Rats.

 

EXT. VULCAN

 

CAPTION

Vulcan. Planet Vulcan.

 

INT. VULCAN SCHOOL

 

VULCAN TESTING COMPUTER

What is the ultimate answer to life, the universe and everything?

 

LI'L SPOCK

42.

 

COMPUTER

Correct. What is the ultimate question to life, the universe and everything?

 

LI'L SPOCK

How many ways are there to leave your lover?

 

COMPUTER

Correct.

 

PAUL SIMON

No, it's fifty.

 

BOB ORCI

Shut up! Alternate reality!

 

VULCAN PUNKS

(to LI'L SPOCK, not BOB ORCI)

Your mom's illogical.

 

LI'L SPOCK beats the VULCAN SNOT out of the VULCAN PUNKS.

 

NEWSWEEK passes.

 

EXT. IOWA

 

CAPTION

Iowa. State Iowa.

 

IOWA

"Iowa."

 

CAPTION

Thank you.

 

INT. POOKICKER BAR

 

JAMES TIBERIUS KIRK

(to UHURA)

You're a Starfleet cadet. Why are you here when there's nothing Starfleet around but a vehicle assembly plant?

 

BOB ORCI

Stop asking questions! Get him, boys!

 

STARFLEET CADETS beat KIRK bloody.

 

CAPTAIN CHRISTOPHER PIKE

Now cut that out! Kirk, your father was a starship captain for twelve minutes.

 

KIRK

Mom says that's the longest he ever spent in the saddle.

 

PIKE

Join Starfleet.

 

KIRK

Why?

 

PIKE

You get to blow stuff up really cool.

 

KIRK

I'm sold.

 

INT. SPACE-TYPE SHUTTLE BUS

 

LEONARD MCCOY

(to KIRK)

I may throw up on you.

 

INT. STARFLEET DISPATCH CENTER, THREE YEARS LATER

 

KIRK

(to MCCOY)

I may throw up on you.

 

BOB ORCI

Ha! I kill me.

 

MCCOY

Remind me why I'm sneaking you aboard the Enterprise as my patient.

 

KIRK

Because I'm in the process of being thrown out of Starfleet Academy for cheating and they won't let me on board.

 

BOB ORCI

Even though he's totally brilliant and has the same useful information about the current emergency on Vulcan as Captain Pike.

 

MCCOY

Oh, yeah.

 

MCCOY THROWS UP.

 

INT. SPACE

 

SHUTTLECRAFT flying up to the ENTERPRISE in SPACE DOCK.

 

INT. SHUTTLECRAFT

 

MCCOY

WOW! Jim, you gotta SEE THIS FANTASTIC OUTER SPACE VISUAL EFFECT!

 

KIRK

You'd think we hadn't flown up to space dock dozens of times in the course of our training.

 

BOB ORCI

Shut up! Inject him with cordrazine or theragen or one of those other Star Trek type things again.

 

MCCOY

Gotcha.

 

He gives KIRK a stick of WONKA CHEWING GUM. KIRK inflates like a BALLOON and MCCOY rolls him into SICK BAY.

 

MCCOY

I gotta find chapel.

 

KIRK

Nurse Chapel?

 

MCCOY

No, the ship's chapel. Space is disease and death wrapped in phaser blasts and explosions, and I've got a lot of praying to do.

 

Exit MCCOY.

 

BOB ORCI

Now go ask Uhura about that distress call she received that mentions a colossal negative space wedgie near Vulcan.

 

KIRK

Why don't I just go directly to the bridge, since you've told me everything I need to know?

 

BOB ORCI

Okay.

 

INT. BRIDGE

 

KIRK

Hey, Captain Pike! You remember that dissertation you wrote about the enormous big thing that emerged from a colossal negative space wedgie and blew the crap out of the USS MELVIN?

 

PIKE

You mean the dissertation prominently mentioning a colossal negative space wedge like unto the one mentioned in the distress call we're currently answering?

 

KIRK

Yeah, that one.

 

PIKE

What about it?

 

ADMIRAL ACKBAR

It's a trap!

 

KIRK

Damn, this script really IS turning into STAR WARS.

 

BOB ORCI

SHUT UP! THROW HIM OFF THE SHIP!

 

SECURITY throws KIRK off the ENTERPRISE. He eventually lands on HOTH.

 

EXT. HOTH

 

BOB ORCI

Sic 'im!

 

CGI SNOW MONSTERS attack KIRK until he's rescued by DUSTY OLD SPOCK.

 

DUSTY OLD SPOCK

You must return to the Enterprise immediately. Vulcan has been destroyed along with dozens of starships, Captain Pike has been taken prisoner, Earth is doomed, and the Enterprise is flying off to join the remainder of Starfleet safely off-screen and out of this movie. You must go to the Dagobah system...I mean, the convenient nearby one-man Starfleet station of no known function, and have Montgomery Scott beam you back to the Enterprise using this highly improbable transwarp beaming equation that will render starships obsolete.

 

KIRK

Gosh! How do you know all that?

 

DUSTY OLD SPOCK

I mind-melded with Bob Orci. By the way, I'm from the future, though not your future.

 

KIRK

In the future do they know why that great big snow monster wanted to eat me rather than eat the smaller snow monster, which had more meat on it?

 

BOB ORCI

Shut UP!

 

DUSTY OLD SPOCK

Alas, no. Anyhoo, you have to take command of the Enterprise.

 

KIRK

Why?

 

DUSTY OLD SPOCK

Because there's only half an hour left in the movie and the audience expects to see Captain Kirk by the time the credits roll.

 

KIRK

Okay. Say, you don't happen to know why the villain destroyed Vulcan?

 

DUSTY OLD SPOCK

His mother was frightened by a McGuffin as a child.

 

INT. REPURPOSED ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

 

MONTGOMERY SCOTT

Are you the pizza man?

 

KIRK

No, I'm the hero.

 

SCOTT

Like from Quizno's? I've had nothing to eat but replicated tribble ever since I beamed Admiral Archer's beagle Porthos XV into a Klingon engine room. I'm so hungry I could eat Regulan Bloodworm Haggis with dilithium crystals and a side order of Horta!

(beat)

Is that enough Star Trek?

 

BOB ORCI

Yeah, that'll do for now.

 

KIRK

Here, just take this equation and beam us all the way to the Enterprise, which you don't know the location of.

 

INT. REPURPOSED BREWERY

 

KIRK materializes ALONE next to a BEER VAT.

 

KIRK

Scotty? Where are you?

 

SCOTT

(echo, splashing)

In this beer vat! ... Go on without me.

 

BOB AND DOUG MCKENZIE

Take off, you hoser! This is our vat.

 

SCOTT

Och, it's just as well, this tastes like Budweiser anyway.

 

DOUG

It started out tasting like Labatt's, eh, but we've been in here for, like, a week.

 

SCOTT

(pounding at interior of vat)

KIRK! GET ME OUT OF HERE!

 

INT. BRIDGE

 

ENTER KIRK AND SCOTT.

 

KIRK

I'm taking command of this ship!

 

SPOCK

Says who?

 

KIRK

Says Bob Orci!

 

SPOCK

That is logical.

 

KIRK

Quick! To Earth!

 

SCOTT

(raises a glass of FRESH BEER)

To Earth! --Oh, right. Normally it would take four days to get from Vulcan to Earth, but you don't have four days so I'll do it in one.

 

BOB ORCI checks off another Star Trek reference on his tally sheet.

 

SCOTT

Come to think of it, why don't I just use this highly improbable transwarp beaming equation that will render starships obsolete to beam you and, say, Mr. Spock, directly to the villain's ship?

 

SPOCK

Highly logical.

 

KIRK

Good man! Uhura, you have the con.

 

UHURA

Cool. --Hey, I got a line!

 

CHEKOV

(glumly)

I got the hook.

 

SULU

That's because you failed to get a sinker.

 

CHEKOV

Lov blov.

 

INT. ENORMOUS BIG THING

 

KIRK and SPOCK materialize.

 

ALBINO DARTH MAUL #1

Trespassers will be shot on sight!

 

ALBINO DARTH MAUL #2

No! New orders from the Captain. They're to be captured so we can later say "I should have killed you when I had the chance."

 

ALBINO DARTH MAUL #1

Are you sure that was the Captain?

 

ALBINO DARTH MAUL #2

Well, he looked a little like Bob Orci.

 

KIRK

Hey, you jerks!

 

ADMS 1 AND 2

What?

 

KIRK

I've got your guns.

 

He SHOOTS THEM.

 

KIRK

I'd have shot you with MY phaser, but the rotating barrel got stuck between Stun and Kill.

 

SPOCK

I've discovered a highly advanced compact starship that thinks I'm its captain. It contains a highly advanced vending machine loaded with red negatronic gumballs, which according to JANE'S GUIDE TO NEGATRONIC GUMBALLS (Ed. Bob Orci) are designed to chew up stars and planets. And yet it was completely unguarded. That is highly illogical.

 

BOB ORCI

Shut UP!

 

CAPTAIN PIKE

Hey, will someone please rescue me and dig this telepathic crawdaddy out of my throat?

 

KIRK

Okay. What's with the telepathic crawdaddy?

 

PIKE

The villain needed the earth's prefix code, which all starship captains know so that in the event they're captured they can tell villains how to get past the earth's defenses. Boy, was he in for a shock.

 

KIRK

That you held out and didn't tell him?

 

PIKE

No, that the earth doesn't have any defenses. We sent them all to Vulcan and he blew them up!

 

CAPTAIN NEMO

That was really ludicrous.

 

BOB ORCI

Shut UP!

 

CAPTAIN NEMO

I'm going to explain my motivation now.

 

SPOCK

Did I mention that I put two credits in the red negatronic gumball vending machine and that your ship is being devoured?

 

NEMO

Holy crap!

 

KIRK

Beam us up, Scotty!

 

INT. ENTERPRISE TRANSPORTER ROOM

 

KIRK, SPOCK and PIKE materialize.

 

KIRK

To the bridge!

 

SCOTT

(raising glass)

To the bridge!

 

INT. BRIDGE

 

NEMO is on the VIEWSCREEN.

 

KIRK

You're doomed! Now, would you rather a) be rescued, b) die like Hans Reinhardt, or c) have me kill you?

 

NEMO

Um...

 

SPOCK

I vote C.

 

KIRK

C it is. FIRE EVERYTHING!

 

NEMO

Hey, that's my line!

 

KIRK

Alternate reality!

 

BOB ORCI

Oh, snap.

 

The ENTERPRISE blows the GRATUITOUS CRAP out of the IMPLODING ENORMOUS BIG THING, which is then all FLUSHED.

 

BOB ORCI

Now jettison and detonate the warp core so I can check off this reference to "Star Trek: Insurrection".

 

CHEKOV

Did somevon mention my name?

 

BOB ORCI

Shut UP!

 

They JETTISON and DETONATE the WARP CORE, which EXPLODES WITH THE BRILLIANCE OF A THOUSAND SUNS like unto the DEATH STAR combined with the ENORMOUS BIG THING from INDEPENDENCE DAY.

 

GEORGE KIRK

(appears in glowing blue along with Yoda)

See, that's what I managed to avoid. You're a better Captain than I am, my son.

 

GOOGLE NEWS AGGREGATOR PASSES.

 

BOB ORCI

That's a really lame running gag. Let me write it down.

 

INT. STARFLEET

 

GRAND ADMIRAL THRAWN, or SKY MARSHAL DIENES, or SOMEBODY

Third Year Cadet James Tiberius Kirk, you are charged with cheating on a test. Normally, this would be grounds for expulsion. However, due to certain mitigating circumstances, we are...

 

BOB ORCI

Giving you command of the Starship Enterprise!

 

GRAND ADMIRAL THRAWN, or SKY MARSHAL DIENES, or SOMEBODY

...busting you down to freshman.

 

BOB ORCI and KIRK

WHAT!

 

GRAND ADMIRAL THRAWN, or SKY MARSHAL DIENES, or SOMEBODY removes his rubber mask.

 

THE PARODIST

Alternate reality! Sorry, there's only so much I can stand. I've got to have SOME plausibility in this thing.

 

INT. STARFLEET TRAIN STATION

 

DUSTY OLD SPOCK

Young not-quite-me, the remains of our culture are going to Risa to repopulate the species. Genetically we're identical, so you can stay here with Uhura.

 

SPOCK

Live long and prosper.

 

DUSTY OLD SPOCK

I will -- thanks to EXTENZYTE!

 

END CREDITS.

 

YOUNG KIRK.........Jake Lloyd

KIRK...............Leonardo DiCaprio

NEWKIRK............Richard Dawson

SPOCK..............Zachary Quinto

DUSTY OLD SPOCK....Hugh Hefner

J.J.ABRAMS.........Roland Emmerich

BOB ORCI...........Dean Devlin

A.KURTZMAN.........Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Film

MARRISSA PICARD....Herself

KURT RUSSELL.......James Cawley

KHAN...............Chang

CHANG..............Shinzon

SHINZON............Nero

NERO...............Australian

AUSTRALIAN.........Kiwi

KIWI...............Sonny Cuckoo