A little explanation is in order here. Everyone needs a hobby, and for six months or so, mine was posting a series of less-than-serious reviews on Amazon.com, bringing the world such insights as referring to the low-budget slasher flick Basket Case as a "stunningly prescient rumination on Euro-American relations." Time passed, and I broke into the elite ranks of the top 2,000 Amazon reviewers - - an accomplishment many serious literary wanabees and would-be Gene Shalits would kill for. But pride comes before the fall, and eventually the High Sheriffs at Amazon decided that enough was enough - - every one of the reviews was deleted on a day now known only as Black Thursday. Perhaps calling The English Patient as the "best critique of the British single-payer health care system ever committed to celluloid" might have been a bit... oh, I dunno, over the top. And I suppose giving Amber Frey's tell-all memoir five stars and calling it an "invaluable how-to guide on picking up desperate, single massage therapists" could be considered callous and insensitive. Fortunately, I was able to save most of the reviews for posterity here, so future generations will know that to truly enjoy the cinematic masterpiece Cool as Ice, the best option is to track down the Bratslavian-import DVD.
Viewable by the public:
Name: Earl Hoffert
Pen Name: Earl Hoffert (Craigsville, VA, USA)
About me: After being bilked out of the patent rights for Velcro in the late
1970s, I was forced to leave my position as a non-titular leader of a
landlocked Carribean nation and return home to Craigsville, where I invested
my remaining family fortune in a combined b2b/b2c Internet
marketplace/portal/online community monetizing segmented packaged goods
targeted at members of my socioeconomic strata. That's right, I wanted to
become the Jeff Bezos of chaw. After the market tanked in 2000, forcing me
to auction off the site's intellectual property and my fractional share in a
Gulfstream IV, I now make my living managing no-bid reconstruction projects
around the globe. But things are never as simple as they seem. There are
things about me you couldn't understand. There are things about me you
shouldn't understand. I'm a loner, Dotty, a rebel.
Reviewer Rank: 2584
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The English PatientDVD ~ Ralph Fiennes
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
Simply brilliant, January 19, 2005
No better critique of the British single-payer health care system has ever been committed to celluloid. Of particular note among the DVD extras is an alternative ending in which Laszlo de Almasy is transfered to a U.S. hospital and cured within days, and an audio commentary produced by the Brookings Institute.
Witness: For the Prosecution of Scott Peterson by Amber Frey
Edition: Hardcover
Price: $15.57
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4 of 6 people found the following review helpful:
Excellent!, January 6, 2005
I found this an invaluable how-to guide on picking up desperate, single massage therapists.
Of Pandas and People: The Central Question of Biological Origins by Percival Davis, Dean H. Kenyon
Edition: Hardcover
Price: $17.95
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4 used from $109.89
12 of 24 people found the following review helpful:
Re-inherit the wind, January 6, 2005
Based on the cover art, I thought this would be yet another book to add to my vast library of children's literature featuring talking pandas. Sadly, Percival Davis has made a monkey out of me.
Calculated Industries 4060 Construction Master Pro Calculated Industries
Price: $59.99
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
Excellent, industry-specific functions, December 9, 2004
The specialized contractor-friendly computations are a godsend. Never again will I have to resort to pencil and paper to calculate the appropriate "gratuity" for the local building inspector, the amount of time I can plausibly keep saying, "It'll be done in about two weeks," or the appropriate pitch at which to whistle at passersby.
HoMedics WRF-REL EnviraScape Illuminated Rainforest Fountain with 6 Natural Sounds
Price: $28.40
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
Wonderful, but..., December 9, 2004
... for a product intent on creating a genuine rainforest experience, the sounds of bulldozers and chainsaws are conspicuously absent.
Faithful : Two Diehard Boston Red Sox Fans Chronicle the Historic 2004 Season by Stewart O'Nan, Stephen King
Edition: Hardcover
Price: $15.60
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3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:
A few liberties taken..., December 8, 2004
This novel featured some excellent repartee between novelists Stephen King and Stewart O'Nan. However, I must question King's recount of Game 3 of the ACLS, as I don't recall seeing any river of blood pouring down the Green Monster and into left field.
Black & Decker JW200 Lids Off Jar Opener, White
Price: $28.42
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0 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
So incredibly effective..., December 8, 2004
...I was finally able to take the plunge and dismiss Serge, Hoffert Manor's live-in houseboy. Since my hands are legally registered as lethal weapons that must be kept secure at all times, Serge was in charge of jar-opening duties around the house, and as he became more and more enthralled by the afternoon soaps, very little else.
Re-Animator (The Millennium Edition)DVD ~ Jeffrey Combs
Price: $26.96
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
Food for thought, December 6, 2004
Hands down, this is the best, most objective discussion of the ethical pros and cons of stem cell research I've ever seen. You'll want to own the DVD for its extras, including a hard-hitting roundtable discussion featuring the late Christopher Reeve, the Rev. Jerry Falwell and Dean Halsey's detached head.
White Baby Grand Toy Piano with SongbookOffered by Imaginarium.com
Price: $169.99
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4 of 5 people found the following review helpful:
For the budding Liberace in your house, December 6, 2004
The white-on-white style of this precious piano will accent the sequins in your toddler's pantsuit beautifully. One note: the white rose-in-white vase combination and miniature poodle are sold separately.
Independence Day (Vintage Contemporaries) by RICHARD FORD
Edition: Paperback
Price: $10.17
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
Somewhat confusing, December 6, 2004
I realize that most novelizations of movies take some liberties with the source material in the interest of what the coastal elites might call "literary merit," but I found this book utterly confusing. First of all, there was no sign of Wil Smith's character, the jive-talking but lovable F-18 pilot. In fact, there was a palpable lack of jive-talking throughout the novel. Bil Pulman's brilliant portrayal of a president challenged was replaced by some middle-aged real-estate agent, and his heart-quickening "this is OUR Independence Day" speech, which will undoubtedly stir future generations for centuries, was replaced with a bunch of mumbo-jumbo about escrow accounts and the Baseball Hall of Fame. No wonder they never made a sequel!
Very Best of ~ David Hasselhoff
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
One moment in time, December 6, 2004
It's summer 1991. Berlin. A record store window. A highly airbrushed photo of Mr. Hasselhoff, shirtless, brandishing a guitar while standing on the hood of KITT. In the rain.
Needless to say, I rushed in and grabbed a copy of his then-newest album. More than a decade later, I'm still finding new intricacies every time I listen to his paradigm-breaking album, which is daily. Of course, it wasn't until early 1998 that I realized he was singing in English, not a gutteral form of Hochdeutsch as I had initially assumed.
I bought this because I feared that Mrs. Hoffert No. 3 had found time in her busy schedule of whisking and competing for no-bid contracts to write a tell-all autobiography, much as the first two had, to my eternal embarassment. I was relieved to see it was a work of fiction, and an enjoyable one at that.
Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides AgainVHS ~ Bill Engvall
Price: $11.99
Availability: Not yet released
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful:
Red-state hilarity, December 2, 2004
Pay no attention to those coastal elitist comedians discussing the quality of airline food (as if the Concorde is going to make a stop at the Lower Spittle County International Airport) or sharing anecdotes about waiting "on line" at the bagel shop, all the while sniggeringly mocking the moral values of the residents of red states such as my native Virginia. No, here you'll get biting, rip-roaring comedy involving such true-life situations as the food at the Trailways station or being pinned under the tractor for the fourth time in a week. Of special note is Jeff Foxworthy's new "You might be a patriot if..." routine, which extolls the virtues of votin', prayin' and bombin' sandy countries.
Mom's Family Wall Calendar 2005 (Workman Wall Calendars) by Sandra Boynton
Edition: Calendar
Price: $8.96
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful:
Excellent, November 30, 2004
A great gift for the busy mom in your life. Mrs. Hoffert especially enjoys the helpful reminders on Dec. 1 -- "start wearing reindeer sweaters" -- and on Jan. 1 -- "stop wearing reindeer sweaters."
A Christmas Story Movie Official 40 Inch Floor Leg Lamp DDOffered by Cjicollectibles, LLC
Price: $199.99
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
A good value for the money, November 30, 2004
I have to be honest: At first, I was somewhat put off by the price. But once I learned that you don't have to supply the leg yourself, I realized how much I'd save in bribe money for Bert, the neighborhood groundskeeper at the local memorial gardens.
Spider-Man Ready BedOffered by Toysrus.com
Price: $29.99
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1 of 2 people found the following review helpful:
= Durability = Fun = Educational = Overall
One word of caution, November 18, 2004
While this colorful and comfortable bed is deservedly a hit with the kids, calling the concierge of the four-star hotel you've reserved for your wedding night and asking him to subsitute the room's bed with this one as a prank does not make for a good start to a marriage. (...)
MIU France Stainless Steel Professional Mandoline
Price: $79.99
Availability: In stock soon. Order now to get in line. First come, first served.
3 of 14 people found the following review helpful:
Let Freedom Ring!, November 18, 2004
Simply put, the MIU France Stainless Steel Professional Mandoline is exceptional. I use it to slice up potatoes for Freedom Fries, onions for Freedom Onion soup, and, given the exceptional strength and durability of its blades, even the plywood for my new set of Freedom doors leading into Hoffert Manor's kitchen.
Compost Science & Utilization
Price: $141.84
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
At the cutting edge of the profession, November 16, 2004
Hands down, this is the best magazine devoted to compost science and utilization I have ever read. Its competitors, of which there are too many to mention here, either cover the science of composting *or* its utilization, but never the two together. It's a scourge of this industry -- all too often, you see compost scientists unwilling to get their hands dirty (pardon the pun) and compost utilizers skeptical of what they might term "fancy book learnin'." As noted font of wisdom and children's book author Madonna Ritchie once said, "between the head and the hand, there must be the heart," and in this rapidly changing field, Compost Science & Utilization is that heart. Kudos.
The Happiest Toddler on the Block : The New Way to Stop the Daily Battle of Wills and Raise a Secure andWell-Behaved One- to Four-Year-Old by Harvey Karp (Author), Paula Spencer (Author)
Edition: Hardcover
Price: $16.06
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful:
It really works!, November 16, 2004
The novel approach of conceptualizing a young child's early developmental stages as akin to the emergence of prehistoric man is simply brilliant. Imagine my excitement the morning Earl Jr. discovered fire and burned Hoffert Manor to the ground.
1 Doz Red RosesOffered by Falcon Farms
Price: $19.99
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
Lovely flowers, November 16, 2004
When a good business trip goes bad, nothing says "I'm sorry that you had to wire the bail money to Tijuana" to your spouse like the magical words "the roses usually ship in 1-2 business days."
Budget Playing CardsOffered by S&S Worldwide
Price: $0.88
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful:
A lifesaver, November 11, 2004
It's about time someone has come up with a set of budget playing cards, which are a necessity in my line of work. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to set up a three-card monte table in a desolate sub-Saharan bazzar, only to be run out of town by an angry mob tipped off by my conspicuously flashy $1.49 deck of premium playing cards.
Confessions of an Economic Hit Man by John Perkins
Edition: Hardcover
Price: $15.72
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9 of 49 people found the following review helpful:
Not quite what I expected, November 11, 2004
I picked this up at the airport to read on the Craigsville-Dakar shuttle, and I must confess it didn't live up to my expectations. Despite its exciting sounding title, there were no clandestine missions, no attractive double agents in spandex, and worst of all, no Turkish assassins. How can you have an international thriller about a hit man and have NO Turkish assassins? I haven't been this disappointed since I picked up a copy of the Deer Hunter in order to bone up on my hunting skills.
Risky BusinessDVD ~ Tom Cruise
Price: $7.99
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
A star is born, November 11, 2004
I can say without hyperbole that this movie marked the stunning introduction of our generation's greatest actor. Not Tom Cruise, who would go on to such one-dimensional roles as an overcompensating F-14 pilot, nor the already well-established, and frequently partially clothed, Rebecca De Mornay. No, I am speaking of the great Curtis Armstrong, who captured the zegiest of the generation that came of age in the 1980s with his Risky Business coda, "Sometimes, you've just got to say what the f---." You see flashes of the brilliance that would later become abundant to all in his starring role as Booger, a cinematic Everyman in the second-greatest film trilogy in film history, the Revenge of the Nerds series, and in his later maturation into a serious dramatic actor, including such emotionally gripping roles as Drunkard #2 in Disney's Huckleberry Finn, which proved that 30 seconds of screen time is more than sufficient to carry a film. Admittedly, Risky Business has its share of trite dialogue and predictable plotting, but it's well worth sitting through it to see the origins of one of cinema's true masters.
Along with protecting charcoal grills from the ravages of the weather, this cover is extremely effective and economical solution for agoraphobic party guests.
Fairhope Courier
Price: $90.00
Availability: Usually ships in 2 to 4 weeks
Samples the zeigeist, October 27, 2004
It's a well-known fact that when the policy elite wants to gauge public reaction to a complex public policy proposal -- say, ratification of subsections 12-26 of the GATT or incremental adjustments to the M3 component of the monetary supply, they go straight to Baldwin County, Alabama, and this, its august publication of record. Op-ed pieces by such luminaries as Henry Kissinger and Robert Reich share column space with writeups of local sewer board meetings and Family Dollar sales circulars, and the result is journalistic gold. Forget the old cliche of how something "plays in Peoria." In an increasingly complex and interrelated world, the real question on the minds of the punditry is "will it fly in Fairhope?"
Hilarity is a dish best served cold, October 26, 2004
You'll laugh until your spleen bursts as Garfield explores the spiritual and social paradoxes inherent in the cultural capstones known collectively as "the holidays." The 40-minute history of the genocide of the Native American population -- juxtaposed brilliantly with scenes of happy modern-day Thanksgiving celebrations -- is particularly effective. And the dream-sequence dialogue exploring the conflict between the secular commericalism and spiritual simplicity of Christmas featuring Karl Marx and Odie, Garfield's dimwitted housemate, is a personal favorite. And if that isn't enough to put you in the holiday spirit, you'll laugh until you cry when Garfield requests, in the place of the traditional Thanksgiving turkey or Christmas ham, lasanga! Yes, lasanga -- can you believe it? He thinks he's people!
1,000 Places to See Before You Die by Patricia Schultz
Edition: Paperback
Price: $13.27
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2 of 3 people found the following review helpful:
Refreshing and inspiring, October 26, 2004
To know the world is to know more about yourself. After flipping through this book, I was pleased to see I had already unknowingly visited places #993 (the Batavia, Ohio Pizza Hut), #437 (the world's second largest ball of twine in Darwin, Minnesota), #232 (a scale model of Graceland in Roanoke, Virginia), and #442 (the Williamsburg, Virginia outlet malls). I can now wear my monocle and ascot with pride, as the mantle of a world traveler.
Elite Force WWII French Foreign LegionOffered by Toysrus.com
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3 of 4 people found the following review helpful:
= Durability = Fun = Educational = Overall
Awesome!, October 26, 2004
An incredibly accurate historical figure for the serious war buff. I particularly appreciated the standard-issue belt pack for brie storage and the discrete placement of the white flag in the back pocket.
This was largely an impulse purchase for me, inspired as I was by the ergonomically friendly wooden handles. Unfortunately, it's been a week since I plugged this router into my cable modem, and I still haven't been able to connect to the Internet at any speed -- much less a variable one.
M*A*S*H - Season One (Collector's Edition)DVD ~ M.A.S.H.
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
Brings back some great memories, October 22, 2004
Ever since a uniformed mail carrier delivered this fabulous DVD set a fortnight ago, my favorite 1970s-era joke has been batted around Hoffert Manor like a badmiton bird during one of our many charity matches.
"Darling," Mrs. Hoffert will ask me, gesturing to the attractive jewelboxes, "Do you still watch M*A*S*H?"
"Yes," I respond. "Alda time."
It's that sense of humor that led me to my second career as a cartoonist for the New Yorker (remember the comic of the dog reading a 10-K statement aloud at a board meeting? That was mine.) And I have Alan Alda and that delightful Jamie Farr to thank for it.
Breakin' 2 - Electric BoogalooDVD ~ Lucinda Dickey
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
Shatters an unthinkable filmic paradigm, October 22, 2004
This paradigm-busting film proved to jaded and cynical fin-de-siecle moviegoers that sequels could, by far, surpass their original cinematic inspirations. In the case of B2EB (as I refer to it in my seminal critical study of American musicals and ninja films), those inspirations extend far beyond the original Breakin', a groundbreaking work in its own right, but to the earliest days of "talkies" and such musically driven films as The Jazz Singer. Sure, The Jazz Singer had Al Jolsen, but Breakin' 2 has something that its cinematic progenitors could only dream of -- namely, boogaloo.
A Paper Life by Tatum O'Neal
Edition: Hardcover
Price: $16.97
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1 of 2 people found the following review helpful:
Tautology taken to a brilliant extreme, October 22, 2004
It's particularly fitting that this autobiography was released within days of Jaques Derrida's death, as the tautological irony of an autobiographical book making a self-aware reference to its own existence as a "paper life" creates a new frame of reference through which to evaluate the textual context of the work. It is, to use the term used by semioticians such as myself in formal papers exchanged with others in our field of study, "freakin' awesome."
The Official Fahrenheit 9/11 Reader by Michael Moore
Edition: Paperback
Price: $11.20
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful:
Extremely helpful, October 21, 2004
I haven't needed a written guide to help me follow a movie's twists and turns this badly since the first time I saw "Good Burger." Highly recommended -- this book, that is. Not "Good Burger."
Personalized Bobble Guyz Remote
Price: $17.99
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
= Durability = Fun = Educational = Overall
Perpetuating hurtful stereotypes, October 21, 2004
As a sensitive New Agey kind of guy who isn't afraid to cry at the end of a movie--any movie, really--starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan, imagine my surprise when Mrs. Hoffert chose this as a belated Father's Day gift. The old me, the Earl chained to the hurtful gender stereotypes that cost me four marriages and a lucrative career as a game show host, would have flown into a rage. But I somehow managed to channel my negative energy and retreated to the wooded vale behind Hoffert Manor for a moonlight session with my bongo drums.
Cutis
Price: $133.56
Availability: Usually ships in 1 to 3 months
1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
Clinically precise, eloquently written, October 21, 2004
Though I've left my medical certification from one of the Azores' most prestigious correspondence schools lapse, you'll still find this magazine on my bedside table. One complaint: The monthly Jumble puzzle almost always involves some variation on the phrase "fungal dermatoses."
Spaced Out: The Best of Leonard Nimoy and William Shatner ~ Leonard Nimoy
Price: $17.49
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
An undeserved omission, October 20, 2004
The vocal talents of Mssrs. Nimoy and Shatner have long been a matter of public record, but they are offset by the unconscionable omission of co-collaborator and fellow Star Trek alumnus Captain Pike from this album's credits (foreshadowing electronica by nearly two decades, he provided the syncopated left-channel beeping heard throughout "Mr. Tambourine Man").
China Silk Black BalaclavaOffered by The Sportsman's Guide
Price: $5.97
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
Extremely effective, October 20, 2004
Federal law prohibits me from divulging the details of the numerous missions I undertook in which this item proved extremely helpful, but suffice it to say it's been a while since we've seen an Avon salesperson within a four-block radius of Hoffert Manor.
Conquer the Crash: You Can Survive and Prosper in a Deflationary Depression by Robert R. Prechter Jr.
Edition: Hardcover
Price: $19.56
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
Prescient and helpful, October 20, 2004
This book is a godsend for many reasons, not the least of which is that it gives me hope that my ill-advised investment in ostrich farming in the 1990s may finally bear fruit.
Circumcision, The Hidden Trauma : How an American Cultural Practice Affects Infants and Ultimately Us All by Ronald Goldman
Edition: Paperback
Price: $13.27
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
A wise man said it best..., October 20, 2004
When he wrote these immortal words in a oft-circulated letter to the editor of a prestigious journal of opinion: "Hack hack hack/Goes the quack quack quack/Makin' all that loot/Violatin' a boy's birthday suit." It is at times like this that a simple AABB rhyme scheme can trump all the wisdom and scholarly analysis in a 700-page book.
CAVIAR SEVRUGA RUSSIAN 1 OZÊOffered by www.chefswarehouse.com
Price: $40.00
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
Absurd, yet flaccid in its tepidity, October 19, 2004
An excellent amuse-goute for almost any formal dinner setting. I personally serve it in a dipping bowl with a plate of microwavable nachos, or as an inexpensive alternative to WD-40 on squeaky door hinges.
Taxi Cab
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
= Durability = Fun = Educational = Overall
Astonishingly accurate, October 19, 2004
An excellent introduction for youngsters who have yet to experience the magic of travel by taxi. Some parents may find the electronic sound chip that randomly utters a series of incomprehensible polyglot rants about cross streets and standing rates a bit too harsh for very young children.
Apple 20 GB iPod M9282LL/AOffered by Circuit City
by Apple Computer
Price: $299.87
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3 used from $260.00
1 of 2 people found the following review helpful:
An excellent portable music player, October 19, 2004
My only complaint is the circular scroll wheel, which my nearsighted Grampa Hoffert often confuses with one of his old 78 records. I've had to retrieve my iPod from the grammaphone in his attic room countless times, its pristine surface now marred with scratches.
The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom
Edition: Hardcover
Price: $11.97
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
Inspirational and moving, October 18, 2004
It truly is an inspiring book, though if I am completely honest with myself, I personally couldn't help but be just a little disappointed that the five people you meet in heaven aren't Werner Klemperer, Richard Dawson, Robert Crane, John Banner and Hulk Hogan.
Star Wars Trilogy (Widescreen Edition)DVD ~ Harrison Ford
Price: $41.99
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3 of 4 people found the following review helpful:
Subtle tweaks and edits...., October 18, 2004
... really make this rerelease shine. I particularly enjoyed the scenes in Episode VI in which a bikini-clad Carrie Fisher chained to Jabba the Hutt was digitally replaced by Jar-Jar Binks in a thong.
In the Beginning...was the Command Line by Neal Stephenson
Edition: Paperback
Price: $10.00
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
One major omission, October 18, 2004
I was shocked to see that Mr. Stephenson somehow overlooked the seminal OS development evinced by the Sinclair ZX-81. When you'd flip on the power switch on its membrane keyboard and the word "OK" appeared on your TV set, you knew, in a small but very real sense, that all was right in the world.
Miracle: A Celebration of New Life by Anne Geddes, Celine Dion
Edition: Hardcover
Price: $40.80
Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours
4 of 5 people found the following review helpful:
A waking fever dream, October 15, 2004
Much as Samuel Taylor Coleridge's legendary "Kubla Khan" managed to somehow capture transcendant extrasenory experiences with the written word, this groundbreaking combination of photos of infants dressed up as foodstuffs and earshattering vocal crescendos left me grasping for a fleeting glimpse of an artistic ideal. If you have, like me, been searching for the intersection of cutting-edge Franco-Canadian symphonic arrangement and adorable baby pictures, than you, like Colerdige, have found your artistic pleasure dome -- all without the damaging side effects of opium consumption that so plagued the Romantic poets of that earlier generation of transcendent -- and now, demonstrably lesser -- artists.
Toilet by Michael Szymczyk
Edition: Paperback
Price: $14.95
Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours
3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:
Wow!, October 15, 2004
A literary tour de force that left me breathless. I must confess that I now have recurring nightmares based on the chapter in which the protagonist is attacked by the Scrubbing Bubbles.
The Ultimate Oliver Stone Collection (Salvador / Platoon / Wall Street / Talk Radio / Born on the Fourth of July / JFK Director's Cut / The Doors / Heaven and Earth / Natural Born Killers / Nixon / U-Turn / Any Given Sunday Director's Cut)DVD ~ Oliver Stone
Price: $90.94
Availability: Not yet released
3 of 7 people found the following review helpful:
One technical quibble, October 15, 2004
All great movies, but I couldn't help but notice that every time I try to eject the JFK Director's Cut DVD, the disc pops out of the DVD player and then makes an unexpected move back and to the left.
Braun WK200 Electric Water Kettle
Price:Click here to see our price
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
Flawless, October 14, 2004
This kettle does an amazing job of holding and transporting water, even when it is very warm. And as an added bonus -- inexplicably not mentioned in the voluminous user's manual -- it also can be used to hold and transport cold water, even without costly aftermarket accessories.
The Complete Idiot's Guide to MBA Basics (Complete Idiot's Guide to...) by Tom Gorman
Edition: Paperback
Price: $19.95
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9 used from $9.00
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful:
Extremely helpful, October 13, 2004
...with just one caveat. Even though I hold an MBA from one of the finest offshore business schools in the Caymans, I found the format of this book somewhat confusing until I read the accompanying pamphlet, "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Understanding Complete Idiot's Guides."
iRobot Roomba 4210 Discovery Floorvac Robotic Vacuum, White
Price: $249.99
Availability: In stock soon. Order now to get in line. First come, first served.
4 of 5 people found the following review helpful:
Ideal, October 13, 2004
Thanks to this ingenious device, I'm now able to give our family manservant Tuesday afternoons off. It cleans far better than Serge, who's usually into his fifth finger of brandy by the time rolls around for the afternoon whisking of Hoffert Manor. As an added bonus, the iRobot's "distress tone," which sounds whenever it gets stuck, is far less grating than the sounds Serge makes when he locks himself in the linen closet.
Phonics RadioOffered by Imaginarium.com
Price: $17.99
Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours
2 of 3 people found the following review helpful:
Less rock, more talk, October 12, 2004
A highly effective play radio and learning tool, though I must dispute the claim that it plays "music everyone can agree with... even the boss."
People We Know, Horses They Love by Jill Rappaport, Wendy Wilkinson
Edition: Hardcover
Price: $27.17
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10 used from $26.20
4 of 15 people found the following review helpful:
Not entirely comprehensive, October 11, 2004
I bought the book sight unseen on the merits of its title, only to discover, to my eternal disappointment, that it did not include Catherine the Great among its many celebrities.
Bubba Ho-Tep (Limited Collector's Edition)DVD ~ Bruce Campbell
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
A poignant reminder of our fleeeting mortality, October 11, 2004
Rarely have the issues facing America's senior citizens been depicted with such sensitivity and compassion as in Bubba Ho-Tep. Bruce Campbell's nuanced performance of an aging Elvis stuck in a Texas rest home provides a more biting critique of Medicare Part B funded facilities than any GAO report ever could.
The Hidden Messages in Water by Masaru Emoto
Edition: Paperback
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2 of 11 people found the following review helpful:
Intriguing theory..., October 8, 2004
Water may well be able to store and convey human messages and emotions, a theory I look forward to exploring in greater detail once I stop receiving odd, conflicting messages from 1930s movie stars via the fillings in my teeth.
The Complete Cartoons of The New Yorker by Robert Mankoff, David Remnick
Edition: Hardcover
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5 of 7 people found the following review helpful:
Simply fabulous, October 8, 2004
While I confess to prefering the simple charms of comics like Marmaduke, you can never have too many cartoons of talking dogs at cocktail parties or on psychiatrists' couches. For, as early 21st century humanity struggles to redefine itself in relation to a rapidly changing and increasingly volatile world, the talking dogs remain a comforting constant -- thinking they're people, to our eternal bemusement.
Hitler's Niece : A Novel by Ron Hansen
Edition: Paperback
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
Moving and emotional, October 7, 2004
An excellent novel, though I must confess that for sentimental reasons, I prefer the seminal work "Mussolini's Step-Granddaughter."
Netter's Anatomy Flash Cards by John T., Ph.D. Hansen
Edition: Misc. Supplies
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
Extremely effective, though somewhat embarassing, October 7, 2004
The wine-soaked evening during which Mrs. Hoffert and I played cards using this deck was directly responsible for the birth of Earl Jr. nine months later. Imagine my embarassment when I learned that these cards were intended for medical school students, not free-spirited libertarians like myself.
The Real Business of Web Design by John Waters
Edition: Paperback
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
Superb, October 6, 2004
Who would have guessed that the director of Pink Flamingos would prove equally proficient at cascading style sheets and Javascript? This book offers a nearly definitive overview of both the history and the day-to-day practice of Web design, notwithstanding its unfortunate omission of the <blink> tag.
Will They Ever Trust Us Again? by Michael Moore
Edition: Hardcover
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27 of 49 people found the following review helpful:
Powerful and moving, October 6, 2004
The letters and e-mails from soldiers serving in Iraq are gripping and vivid. However, I must question Mr. Moore's insistence on introducing each one with the phrase "I never thought this would happen to me, but..."
The American Prophecies: Ancient Scriptures Reveal Our Nation's Future by Michael D. Evans
Edition: Hardcover
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2 of 7 people found the following review helpful:
Prescient to an extreme, October 1, 2004
Along with the prophecies involving the U.S. and Israel mentioned by other reviewers, I was pleasantly surprised to see that, according to this book, the scriptures had forseen the rise and fall of Crystal Pepsi and both winners of the first two seasons of American Idol. Amazing!
Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl-A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship by Sherry Argov
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2 of 3 people found the following review helpful:
A man's perspective, October 1, 2004
This book worked only too well, turning the meek yet pliant Mrs. Hoffert into an assertive, dominant, TV-tray throwing woman who, by sheer force of self-help-book-empowered will, launched our new careers in show business (I was Shirtless Man #3 in the Craigsville episode of "Cops"). And God, do I and my SAG card love her for it.
Yakov and the Seven Thieves by Madonna, Gennadii Spirin (Illustrator)
Edition: Hardcover
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1 of 2 people found the following review helpful:
What a country!, September 30, 2004
Finally, someone has had the literary foresight to pass along the astute observations of Russia's greatest comedian to the next generation. The fact that this particular someone once wore conical bras whilst grinding on-stage just makes this book all the sweeter. While glasnost and the transition from communism to plutocracy has made such classic Yakov jokes as "In Russia, television watches you!" outdated, it's not like we've stopped teaching Hamlet in the schools because we're no longer ruled by monarchs and their deluded offspring. Thank you, Mrs. Richie.
When Washington Crossed the Delaware : A Wintertime Story for Young Patriots by Lynne Cheney
Edition: Hardcover
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
History at its finest!, September 30, 2004
A contemporary retelling of one of the greatest military victories in our nation's history. My favorite part is when Washington tells his assembled troups, "Yea, verily, I wouldst not want thine smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud over Trenton," setting a precedent for military action that has rightly endured for centuries.
The O'Reilly Factor for Kids : A Survival Guide for America's Families by Bill O'Reilly, Charles Flowers
Edition: Hardcover
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6 of 9 people found the following review helpful:
Sage and avuncular, September 29, 2004
A wonderfully uplifting children's book and brand extension. Nothing says "pitbull in a straightjacket" quite like the nonthreatening sweatervest Mr. O'Reilly is wearing on the cover.
We Got Fired! : . . . And It's the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Us by HARVEY MACKAY
Edition: Hardcover
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2 of 6 people found the following review helpful:
Uplifting and inspiring, September 29, 2004
While my career at the gravel quarry continues skyward (or groundward in this case), this book still helped me out of the deep funk I endured after learning that Omorosa had been fired on the Apprentice. Keep your head up, girlfriend!
Execution: The Discipline of Getting Things Done by Larry Bossidy, et al
Edition: Hardcover
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1 of 3 people found the following review helpful:
A life-changing book, September 24, 2004
This book, along with a few political connections, was largely responsible for me winning my first no-bid reconstruction contract. It is highly effective for a wide range of reasons, which I'll describe in detail just as soon as I finish this sandwich.
The Plot Against America : A Novel by Philip Roth
Edition: Hardcover
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3 of 17 people found the following review helpful:
It must be good..., September 24, 2004
In the eyes of the publishing world, nothing says "good airport read" quite like a swastika on the cover.
Baby Einstein - Play Gym - Vinyl ContourOffered by Babiesrus.com
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1 of 2 people found the following review helpful:
= Durability = Fun = Educational = Overall
E=mc fun!, September 23, 2004
Simply amazing. Within an hour of plopping Earl Jr. on the Baby Einstein playmat and working with the suspended manipulatives, he had a working knowledge of particle theory. Unfortunately, the included Charlie Choo-Choo toy offers only a rudimentary explanation of quantum mechanics.
Euro-Pro EP961 Professional Steam Cleaner
Price: $229.99
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
Euro-go!, September 23, 2004
I, like other reviewers, "used Tootie" and purchased this item on HSN some time ago. After seeing what it does to keep the sheen on my bobblehead collection, I have only this to say about the Euro-Pro: Count me among the Coalition of the Willing!
Cool As IceVHS ~ Vanilla Ice
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We are all heros and all zeros, at once and always, September 22, 2004
We mock that which we do not understand. Nearly 15 years have passed since this seminal 1991 work exploring post-Cold War realpolitik was released to almost universal critical acclaim, though it fared poorly outside of art-house theaters in the most cosmpolitan of Europe's capital cities. While the binary, us-or-them thinking of the protagnoist, the nearly Shakespearean Mr. Ice, was probably lost on larger audiences, those of us struggling with the fall of the Berlin Wall and our own divided loyalities sympathized with the film's attractive heroine and her existential dilemma: Drop the zero? Get with the hero? Which is which, and whom is whom?
One other comment: While the out-of-print VHS version of this film is perfectly adequate for the casual viewer, I'd highly recommend the superior transfer of the Bratslavian-import DVD, which includes among its bonus features a lengthy roundtable discussion of the film by Henry Kissinger, James Baker and N.W.A.
Fish! A Remarkable Way to Boost Morale and Improve Results by Stephen C. Lundin, et al
Edition: Hardcover
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Less than motivating, September 22, 2004
In the midst of a work crisis, I turned to this book for reassurance, only to discover that its title characters get tossed around in a smelly market by minimum-wage flunkies and then eaten. I'll stick to Ayn Rand for that kind of workplace lesson.
Benjamin Franklin : An American Life by Walter Isaacson
Edition: Hardcover
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
Almost exhaustively comprehensive, September 20, 2004
This 600+ page book covers virtually every aspect of Ben Franklin's life. I found myself wanting to learn more, however, about his successful chain of craft stores.
Star Blazers - The Quest for Iscandar - The Complete Series I Collection (Episodes 1- 26)DVD ~ Starblazers-Quest for Iscandar
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
A treasure trove of useful information, September 20, 2004
For the budding handyman planning to float a sunken battleship and retrofit it for space travel, this DVD set is a godsend. My only quibble is the assumed familiarity with metric torque wrenches, something you wouldn't expect in a Region 1 DVD.
Sophie's World: A Novel About the History of Philosophy by Jostein Gaarder
Edition: Mass Market Paperback
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1 of 2 people found the following review helpful:
Somewhat frustrating, September 17, 2004
I've now tried to read this book three times, but every time I get to the chapter on nihlism, I just wind up tearing my copy to shreds.
Why We Fight: Moral Clarity and the War on Terrorism by WILLIAM J. BENNETT
Edition: Hardcover
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
Incredible clarity in a time of crisis, September 17, 2004
An eloquent defense of America's moral superority. I'll give anyone 3:1 odds that they'll love this book.
The Count of Monte CristoDVD ~ James Caviezel
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2 of 4 people found the following review helpful:
At long last, September 15, 2004
Simply amazing. Thanks in no small part to an astonishing performance by James Caviezel, I've finally been given a window into the very inner being of the man who invented my favorite sandwich. Highly recommended.
Why People Buy Things They Don't Need : Understanding and Predicting Consumer Behavior by Pamela Danziger
Edition: Paperback
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
Perhaps a little too effective, September 15, 2004
After reading this well-reasoned study of buying decisions, I found myself wishing I hadn't bought two extra copies of the book for my winter cabin and poolside cabana.
The Declaration of Independence and the Constitution of the United States by Roger Pilon (Preface)
Edition: Paperback
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
An incredible living document, September 14, 2004
As a previous reviewer observed, it's noteworthy that this reprinting of the Constitution includes all 27 Amendments. However, upon closer reading, it's unclear if this section of the book went through a sufficiently thorough proofing process, as I was unable to correlate the descriptions of Amendments 1, 4, 6, 7 and 10 with anything in today's newspaper. Puzzling.
America : A Patriotic Primer by Lynne Cheney
Edition: Hardcover
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
Five-star Patriotism at its finest!, September 14, 2004
Patriotism, in a simple A-Z format for children of all ages to enjoy. I especially enjoyed the letter H, which Ms. Cheney uses to invoke our Homeland, as well as its patriotic security agents. My three-year-old found the illustration depicting a "step behind the partition, please" search conducted by TSA employees a bit unsettling, however.
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Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim by David Sedaris
Edition: Hardcover
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1 of 4 people found the following review helpful:
Hilarious, September 10, 2004
David Sedaris may be among the most talented essayists of our time. My only quibble -- and it's a minor one -- is that in a book titled "Dress Your Family in Coururoy and Denim," there's hardly any mention of his wife or kids. I've never written for the New Yorker, mind you, but it seems like an obvious omission to me.
Army of Darkness (Boomstick Edition)DVD ~ Sam Raimi
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
Amazing, September 10, 2004
From the moral implications of introducing modern technology to primitive cultures to the overbearing omnipresence of present-day retail megastores, this is one movie that really makes you think.
Walden : 150th Anniversary Illustrated Edition of the American Classic by Henry David Thoreau
Edition: Hardcover
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4 of 5 people found the following review helpful:
A marvelous reimagining of Thoreau's masterwork, September 10, 2004
I can't say enough how much the inclusion of images in this book helped me visualize Thoreau's timeless message. Of particular note is the period engraving of him jetskiing across Walden Pond.
Confessions of an Heiress: A Tongue-in-Chic Peek Behind the Pose by Paris Hilton
Edition: Hardcover
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5 of 8 people found the following review helpful:
Provocative, but flawed, September 9, 2004
Ms. Hilton offers some stunning insights, but her credibility is damaged by her unwillingness to directly address one key issue: zero-light vs. infrared.
The Death of the West: How Dying Populations and Immigrant Invasions Imperil Our Country and Civilization by Patrick J. Buchanan
Edition: Hardcover
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1 of 5 people found the following review helpful:
Lost in Translation, August 27, 2004
As always, Buchanan makes some salient points in this book-length treatise. However, I must fault the translator of this edition for losing some of the lyrical evocations of his language. Just roll "Verbunden mit Bevšlkerung Explosionen in Afrika, in Asien und in lateinischem Amerika werden eingestellt, um cataclysmic Verschiebungen in der Weltenergie, als ungeprŸfte ImmigrationsŸmpfe" off your tongue a few times and you'll see what I mean.
Reviewer Rank: 28389
Page: 1
A National Party No More: The Conscience of a Conservative Democrat by Zell Miller
Edition: Hardcover
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
Personal anecdotes really make this book, August 26, 2004
Anything that's written about my birth state of Georgia can't be all bad, and this book has more than its share of emotionally gripping moments. It's hard to pick a favorite, but I'll settle for Zell's recollections of a wild car chase that came to a climactic end when he leaned out the window and shot a flaming arrow at his assailants before jumping across a washed-out bridge. Simply breathtakng.
Star Trek The Original Series - The Complete First SeasonDVD ~ William Shatner
Price: $84.49
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3 of 8 people found the following review helpful:
Take Captain Pike's word for it: It's great!, August 26, 2004
BEEEEEEEP!
In Defense of Internment: The Case for Racial Profiling in World War II and the War on Terror by Michelle Malkin
Edition: Hardcover
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3 of 6 people found the following review helpful:
Malkin's Heroes, August 25, 2004
Obviously, the subject of the book is no laughing matter. But the chapters in which Ms. Malkin describes what the West Coast relocation centers were "really like"--a far cry from the harsh, prison-like conditions we picture in our minds--are great. I especially liked her telling details about how the detainees hid the radio under the coffee pot and dug a secret tunnel that led into town, both of which were used to hilarious effect during various escape attempts and sabotage missions that always reduced the guards to stammering idiots. With the wealth of material in the book, I smell a sitcom!
The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes (Calvin and Hobbes) by Bill Watterson
Edition: Paperback
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
Excellent if not entirely authoritative, August 23, 2004
What's not to love about Calvin and his adorable stuffed tiger, Hobbes? My only quibble is the book's claim of being authoritative, as it includes none of Calvin's eponymous encounters with Nascar, Ford and Chevy logos.
Reading Mastery II: Storybook 2, Rainbow Edition by Siegfried Engelmann, Elaine C. Bruner
Edition: School & Library Binding
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14 of 14 people found the following review helpful:
A masterpiece of semiotics -- and phonics, August 20, 2004
"My Pet Goat," the story at the physical and spiritual center of this collection of stories for the emerging semiotician, is at once more and less than the sum of its parts. When the narrator talks about the goat's propensity to eat anything in sight -- hats, capes, even Diebold records -- she perfectly embodies the spirit of the proud pet owner, willing to tolerate, even brag, about their pet's foibles. Yet when the goat -- at once both the story's protagonist and antagonist -- successfully wards off a mustachioed car thief considered an imminent threat by the narrator's avuncular, somewhat secretive father figure, one is left to wonder: Do the ends justify the means? Do they ever?
I rarely delve into the realm of the personal in my reviews, but here I must make an exception. I've often found my thoughts returning to this masterwork, only to discover that it had sparked in me a thirst for knowledge that no amount of brush clearing or pretzel consumption could quench. I am a changed person, and hopefully a better one, for having read My Pet Goat.
My Life by Bill Clinton
Edition: Hardcover
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1 of 7 people found the following review helpful:
Oddly disappointing, August 20, 2004
This bodice-ripper of a book talks a good talk with its steamy cover art, but ultimately disappoints. The scenes with Arafat and Sharon were particularly disappointing in this regard.
Unfit for Command: Swift Boat Veterans Speak Out Against John Kerry by John E. O'Neill, Jerome R. Corsi
Edition: Hardcover
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1 of 4 people found the following review helpful:
Poor plotting muddles a good war yarn, August 17, 2004
Now, I'm as much of a fan of a good war story as the next guy -- I think I've seen the epic "Heartbreak Ridge" at least 30 times, and I still cheer every time the troops burst into the medical student's shower stall. But this muddle of a book has me, quite frankly, a bit disappointed. First, I thought the protagonists of war stories are supposed to be rugged, salt-of-the-earth types -- tough but loveable characters like the Duke in the "Sands of Iwo Jima", or even Ted Dansen's brief yet memorable role as a lost army lieutennant in "Saving Private Ryan". Yet this book's main character is portrayed as a self-serving, deceitful elistist who shows little regard for anyone but himself. For that reason, I find it hard to feel much empathy when he is wounded, ultimately winning three Purple Hearts. Whoops, there goes the book's emotional core. Second, where is the enemy in this book? To "sell" a war story to a large audience, there must be at least some characterization of the enemy as evildoers, or otherwise deserving of scorn. Yet the Viet Cong are really only a bit player in this particular tale, leaving the reader wondering why various members of our own military are throwing claims and counterclaims at each other. What's their motivation, really? That's a question that doesn't get asked in "The Deer Hunter."
Sisters by Lynne Cheney
Edition: Paperback
Price: $2.50
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13 of 20 people found the following review helpful:
A true bildungsroman for our times, April 6, 2004
Ostensibly set in nineteenth-century Wyoming, this ca. 1981 masterwork (to refer to Sisters as a "book," a mere amalgation of ink and pulp, trivializes its symbolic import) is perhaps the purest allegorical representation of the Regan Revolution, with a flash of Sapphic allusion here and there to keep the Right-Thinking hausfrau from attempting to consciously decode the multilayered, semiotic messages percolating just beneath the surface. For it was during an era of sensory bombardment by MTV, the Evil Empire and Max Headroom that Ms. Cheney created a secure undisclosed location of the mind, a very private Wyoming to protect the righteous from the assaults of liberal, treasonous outsiders. For that reason, the rape scenes, while jarring upon a cursory reading, reveal themselves as apt literary doppelgangers of the left-wing's attempts to force their loose interpretations of morality upon the rest of the world.
Flash forward to 2004. Apparently attempts to reissue this book have been foiled, thanks largely to those fifth-column traitors who would look at this work's roughly hewn antagonists and fail to see their own reflections. One would hope that once the election season comes and goes and Mrs. Cheney is rightly assured of remaining the Second Lady for the next half-decade, the publishing world will have the courage to recognize the truths unlocked within Sisters and bestow upon her an even more truly deserved title: that of poet laureate.
Basket CaseDVD ~ Kevin Van Hentenryck
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4 of 4 people found the following review helpful:
A stunningly prescient rumination on Euro-American relations, October 7, 2003
Every generation or so, a movie appears that redefines the boundaries of the medium, that turns the status quo on its collective head and brings about a paradigm shift in broader social and academic circles. Basket Case is one such film. Released to lukewarm attention at the Cannes Film Festival in 1982, the movie's overarching theme -- two separated brothers engulfed in a love-hate relationship because of their once conjoined state -- seemed out of place in the height of the Cold War. Yet the Berlin Wall ultimately fell, much as a doctor's scalpel separated the film's mismatched protagonists. Who knew then that the brothers' subsequent search for justice, marred by periodic distrust and misunderstanding, would so aptly serve as a post-glasnost roadmap for diplomats on both sides of the Atlantic? After all, Europe and America were separated, too, if by revolution rather than a surgeon's knife. If the thinkers at the Project for a New American Century and the French parliament had heeded this movie's cautionary tale, we wouldn't be involved in such current frivolities as "freedom fries."
But I digress. While this film was unjustly shut out of Oscar honors in 1982, someday Kevin VanHentenryck may well receive the award his masterwork most richly deserves: The Nobel Peace Prize.
Daddy's Little Helpers by Bil Keane
Edition: Paperback
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12 of 14 people found the following review helpful:
Issues of gender, substance abuse, and role reversal, September 30, 2003
While written decades ago, "Bill," the thinly veiled pseudonym applied to the narrator of this harrowing tale of substance abuse and inverted parenting roles, has become something of an Everyman for the early 2000s. A cartoonist for a major syndicate, "Bill" finds himself home alone with a bevy of overmedicated, malpropism-spouting children after his wife lands her dream job of preparing no-bid contracts for major reconstruction projects half a world away. One afternoon, after preparing a heaping plate of pasta the children repeatedly call "gasphetti," he opens his wife's medicine cabinet and finds a new way of coping. The gripping narrative style is raw and vibrant, though some readers may question the 33-page, stream-of-conscious rant of profanities in the middle of the book. A cautionary yet inspiring tale, it should encourage others grappling with the same issues of addiction and identity to proclaim loudly from the hilltops, "NOT ME!"
An Ordinary Person's Guide to Empire
by Arundhati Roy
Here is your review the way it will appear:
Somewhat disappointing, October 14, 2004
Reviewer: Earl Hoffert (Craigsville, VA, USA) - See all my reviews
Despite the reassuring nod to the everyman implicit in the title, my first
three attempts at global domination after reading this book all failed
miserably. And the less said about my plan to extort world leaders with my
"laser beam," the better.
Space 1999, Set 1DVD ~ Martin Landau
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
Amazingly prescient, January 19, 2005
Who would have guessed when this groundbreaking series was filmed in 1973 and 1974 that its writers would correctly predict so much of the zeigeist of a future that was then more than 15 years away? Of particular note is the series' thoughtful treatment of a presidential impeachment trial, an air war in the Balkans, and the untimely death of a Kennedy -- though its predictions that Moonbase Alpha's computer systems would shut down on Jan. 1, 2000 proved somewhat foolish in retrospect.
Fun Folding Kitchen with 18 AccessoriesOffered by Toysrus.com
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
= Durability = Fun = Educational = Overall
One omission, December 8, 2004
An excellent value for the money, though I must confess to my disappointment that the kitchen does not include a microwave. Try as he might, without the microwave Earl Jr. hasn't been able to mimic Mrs. Hoffert's evening preparation of our peel-n-serve(tm) dinners.
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