We built a six foot fence around the back borders of our property. The public reason we gave was that we had too many deer helping themselves to our garden and plantings. The true reason was that we just wanted a little privacy. We were trying to prevent some neighborhood problems from spreading to our yard, and to limit access to the back of our home.

The fence went up. Things were better, except that in the original design, we installed some gates. They were never locked. They were used frequently by us, and others in the neighborhood. Like many Homeowner Associations, issues arose, and there were hard feelings. For various reasons, we have had to lock our gates. Trust was eroded, and tempers flared. A cedar fence became a fortress wall...

I have to be purposefully vague as I write this. I can say that I had a choice about what I said and what I did. Before God, I believe I made the right choices. I might have done a better job with my choice of words or their timing. Words can not be taken back once they are said; asssumptions were made and I was blamed for some of the problems at hand. Defending myself only made it worse. It was messy.

The "fence" I see is an emotional and spiritual one. There is an estrangement so deep that when I see certain people on the street, I avoid eye contact. I am uncomfortable when I pass by their houses. The attempts we've made toward reconciliation were coldly turned away, to the point that we have stopped trying. We've left the gates locked.

I'd like to write about all this and say, "I went through Situation X and God helped me be victorious in it." I'd like to be able to give a scathing criticism of the others involved, but I can't because that would be unjust. We were participants, unwilling as we were, in what led to this estrangement.

Recently I mentioned to my husband that I would like to try again to "mend the fences". I wondered if there might be a way to restore the relationships involved. He said that based on things he has observed, he didn't think so. If I am still uncomfortable walking a certain route to school, then there are (apparently) still hard feelings towards us. It was a pretty clear signal. No mercy. No forgiveness. It feels cold and nasty. I don't like it.

Barriers of my own choosing. I spent far too many years putting up psychological barriers to keep feeling good about myself. Or I invested a lot of emotional energy trying to protect myself from further hurts. My walls were built of things like anger. Self-righteous indignation. Sarcasm. Sometimes they appeared to be good things, such as busy-ness, perfectionism, independence or intellectualism. All those "walls" did was keep me closed in and cut off from change and growth. They alienated and estranged. And until I took those "walls" down with God's help, I could not begin to heal or to see relationships restored.

The fence will stay up. Until someone else chooses, the gates will stay shut and locked. My heart remains open to "unlocking". I am allowed to pray. And I will try to make eye contact and smile. I will not respond in kind to curses or sarcastic comments. I will be kind. I will try not to run away or walk in the opposite direction. The rest is up to God, because there is nothing else humanly speaking that I can do.