Sunday, November 25, 2007
HEALING TURKEY DINNER
TDN
PLYMOUTH--The Board of Behavioral Sciences is looking into claims that
a Dr Turk Lee provided a full course turkey dinner for his clients on Thanksgiving Day as well as provided a full course of
Group Therapy for all who attended. He charged $60 for the full course dinner and $100 for the all day Group Therapy
Session.
The claim first came to the Board's attention when one of Dr. Turk's clients complained
that he ran out of mince meat pie and he had to eat "punkin" pie which was embarrassing because he couldn't pronounce pumpkin.
Every time he asked someone to pass the "punkin" pie, the entire group burst into laughter. The unidentified plaintiff
said that the whole ordeal brought back too many bad memories. "But that was the whole point," Dr Turk insisted.
"And if 'Stuffy' there would have let the group assist him, he could have healed a whole host of Holiday traumas. But
Oh No. Stuffy had to have his little narcissistic way and ruin it for himself and now the rest of us."
The Board is reviewing another complaint from another attendee who claimed that
Dr. Turk used two Turkey Drumsticks to perform an EMDR procedure. "It was the first time in my life that I felt perfectly
satisfied at a holiday meal and did not feel the urge to overeat UNTIL he started waving those drumsticks in front of
my eyes. I can't believe he would do such a cruel thing."
"You bet I did the EMDR procedure with Turkey Drumsticks," Dr. Turk said.
"And everyone but Queenie there got a lot out of it."
When the two plaintiffs were asked if they were going to seek therapy elsewhere,
they both insisted that they would be overwhelmed with abandonment feelings if they changed therapists at this stage
of treatment. "This is the longest that I've been able to stick to it," said the first plaintiff. "Should I quit
treatment over a little punkin pie?" When the TDN reporter began to laugh uncontrollably, the plaintiff punched the
reporter and said, "And by the way, I flunked anger management!"
Despite the investigation, Dr. Turk is already taking reservations for Christmas
Day and has only a few spots left.
Friday, December 22, 2006
CLASS ACTION SUIT
"I EXIST"
THERAPISTS WILL AWAKE TO COAL IN THEIR STOCKINGS AS THE MAN IN RED PRESENTS HIS RED SUIT
IN COURT
TDN
BETHLEHEM--A Pennsylvania Fedeal District Court became the center
of attention late today as a gentleman, who described himself as Santa Claus, filed a class action suit against every registered
practitioner of psychotherapy in the country. "They've convinced their clients, young and old, that it is crazy to believe
in me. I am sickened by the number of children who sit on my lap in department stores and cry, 'My therapist says you're
not real.' Who are these heartless debunkers of tradition and truth? Well, they're not getting away with it any
longer!"
In response to the suit, famed Dr. Teleme More said, "When he
puts his fat butt on my couch, then I might believe." More further taunted the man in red to give a better example by
giving up his pipe and treating the reindeer more humanely.
Therapists all across the country were being contacted, and
reactions were varied and perhaps revealing of the whole therapy industry.
"How were we suppose to know he was real?"
"Any guy that flies a sleigh, climbs down chimneys, and leaves
coal or gifts in stockings hung on the chimney is as crazy as the people who hang the stockings."
"The guy can be in my overeaters group any time."
"If he is real, he is a hazard to holiday air travel.
We have enough problems with terrorists."
"Real or not, the man is obviously dissociated, and probably
suffering from dementia. I mean, he's old, isn't he?"
"Send me a few more cash-paying clients for Christmas, and then
I'll believe."
"Tell him he needs a good therapist."
"Santa or not, the guy has delusions of grandeur and is codependent
as heck--being responsible for presents for the entire world! I thought my mother was bad!"
When talk radio hosts, John and Ken heard about the suit,
they angrily asserted that "Taxpayers should not pay any medical expenses should the old man become ill while delivering
presents in California."
Cardinal Mahoney was quoted as saying, "Well, originally, he
was known as Saint Nick, and I just hope he keeps his hands to himself. We can't afford any more lawsuits."
TDN reporter Jack B. Lieves will keep you posted.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
KEYWEST THERAPIST IN TROUBLE FOR BEING GOOD SAMARITAN
TDN
KEYWEST--Rush Storm, a Keywest psychotherapist is in trouble with the Florida Board of Behavioral
Sciences for offering tourists refuge in his home during the recent Ernesto hurricane threat. Dr. Storm had offerred
refuge from the impending hurricane in exchange for videotaping participants reactions to an impending natural disaster.
"I don't know what the big fuss is," Dr. Storm is quoted as saying.
"Only two people took me up on my offer, and they were an old couple from California who did not want to have to evacuate
after only two days of their dream vacation. They were the perfect subjects. They fought like crazy over the silliest
stuff, so it would have been great to see just how they reacted to a real life crisis. The storm petered out, and all
I got out of this potential research was two crazy couples fighting and living with me for a week."
It is not known at press time whether or not the Board is going to take
any serious action other than a reprimand. The Board found out about Dr. Storm's offer when the couple were talking
to another local therapist in Sloppy Joe's Bar on Duvall Street. That therapist, a Dr. Deal, tried talking
the couple into staying at his condominium for a fancy price, but they liked the free offer from Dr. Storm. TDN will
follow the story for future developments.
Monday, August 21, 2006
SHRINK CELEBRATES BIRTHDAY
TDN
YOUNGSTOWN--The nationally acclaimed woman psychotherapist, Ura Shreenk, invited all of her clients
to join her for her sixty first birthday celebration at a local restaurant here in Youngstown. "I received all
kinds of gifts," she told the TDN reporter. "Everything from sexy underwear to a lawsuit."
Most of her clients reported that they enjoyed being able to
participate in such an intimate event with their therapist. "This boundaries thing can sometimes eliminate clients from
getting a real glimpse of who their therapist really is," a Joy Knaught was quoted as saying. It is not clear if
Joy is a cient or not!
The celebration did land Ura into trouble with the State Board as several customers,
who just happened to be at the restaurant at the same time, were offended that she attempted to hypnotize them into paying
for the entire bill. "I know we drove up in a Bentley and all, but that's no reason to come after us like she's some modern
day Robin Hood or something," the complaining customers were quoted as saying.
Ura did receive a warning from the Board and is required to take an ethics
course prior to her next birthday if she wishes to renew her license.
When the TDN reporter asked Ura directly what was going on in her
mind when she attempted to hypnotize the wealthy patrons, she simply laughed and commented, "I won't work with clients who
drive Bentleys just for this very reason. They're just snobs and you can't talk them into anything. And besides,
the celebration was at Denny's for crying out loud. Two clients showed up, and we all ordered off the senior menu.
How much could the bill have been? These Bentley folks are just old and very bent in their thinking. That's
what I think," she exclaimed. When asked if she was going to follow through with the Board's recommendation, "Of course,
unless I find out that they drive Bentleys too, but I doubt it. Folks on those Boards are usually folks who are
just bored in the first place and probably drive old beat up Honda Accords!"
TDN will continue to follow this story.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
LIPSTICK AND SILVERWARE
TDN
FRESNO--A former marathon runner from the San Joaquin Valley is suing the Department
of Homeland Security for the development of an anxiety disorder. The woman, who requested that we withhold her identity,
reported that her symptoms appeared about a day after a very embarrassing incident at the security check point at the Portland,
Oregon International Airport. "I had this old tube of lipstick that I just could not part with. I wish now I would
have just tossed it in the barrells like everyone else was doing. When I nicely asked the security person
if it was okay for me to keep the lipstick, He began yelling at me, 'You Stoop! Can't you read the fifty million
signs? No gels, pastes, liquids, NO, lady.' I remember gasping for air and then falling to the ground."
MFT also reported that after the fiasco at the security
check point, she became paranoid and anxious to the point that during the entire flight, she imagined hearing the silverware
in her checked baggage clanging around. "I know there is no way I could have heard that silverware klunking around
in my suitcase, " MFT said, "but I did, and I thought for sure at any moment, the plane would return to Portland and I would
be arrested." The woman indicated that the silverware was a gift from her cousin in Edmonton, Washington whose name
we will also withhold for reasons of propriety.
Since the incident, the former marathon runner reports feeling
anxious and having a compulsion to buy lipstick and then hide it throughout her house. She also reported that someone
in her family was making her even more crazy by planting rosary beads in all of the places she was hiding lipstick.
When asked if she was planning to see a therapist, the woman
said she had more therapists in her family than Freud had neuroses. "It's bad enough having your picture with your dress
over your head on the floor of an international airport, published in every major newspaper and shown on every network television
newscast," she is quoted as saying. "That is torture enough. Why would I add to it by going to therapy?
What do you think I am, a Stoop?"
TDN contacted the FBI, the Department of Transportation,
and Homeland Security, but only the FBI returned our calls. The FBI indicated that they knew something about the person
in Edmonton, Washington, but knew nothing of the former marathon runner. TDN will continue to follow this story.
TDN has also contacted Webster Dictionary Research Department to get a complete understanding of the word, Stoop,
which has come up several times in this story.
