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Therapist Daily News
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Home | Ted Bear | Ann Slander | CREDITS/LINKS | Mailbag
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Welcome to The Therapist Daily News!
This Newsletter is a TOTAL SPOOF. That's not to say there are not elements of "truth" in the
Spoof. This Newsletter is meant to be a catalyst to endorphonic explosions in the brain. If you become addicted
to reading this Newsletter, be sure to inform the committee responsible for the next version of DSM.
I ALSO WANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE the source of some of the graphics. CREDITS/LINKS
CHECK OUT THE MAILBAG!
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Friday, May 29, 2009
DR. LOL'S
LAUGHTER THERAPY
HOLLYWOOD--Dr Charles Schmuck was recently cited by the state board for his unusual approach to therapy.
When interviewed, Dr. Schmuck said that he got tired of people laughing at his last
name, but also noticed that when people did laugh at his name, and some people would actually fall down and roll on the floor
laughing, the laughing seemed to bring about some kind of change in patients’s facial features and overall demeanor.
So Dr. Schmuck decided to not only change his name, but to also change his style of
therapy. Now, for the entire fifty minutes, Dr. Schmuck just tells one silly story or joke after another. By the
way, Dr. Schmuck changed his name to Dr. LOL.
Dr. LOL records all of his sessions, and was kind enough to provide TDN with a sample
transcript of a partial session. Since he is the only one talking, there are no HIPAA issues.
Sample transcript from patient #42, April 01, 2009
"So how are you today? Hold it right there, don’t tell me.
I don’t want to know. I mean what can your answer be?
I’m doing fine....I’m in love again....Why didn’t you return my sixty seven phone calls....I’m
depressed....I’m madder than hell....I’m about to kill myself....I hate you like I hate all therapists....Where’d you say
you got your license to practice from....Have you gotten it right yet....I can’t stand my partner....I’m praying that someone
will kidnap my children....I can’t afford to pay you today.
I mean, come on, why would I want to hear any of that, especially the last bit of information?
Man, if I listened to all that crap, I’d be on meds. Did you hear the one about the woman who tells her psychiatrist
that her husband thinks he’s a chicken? The psychiatrist tells her that he can fix that. And she says, but we
need the eggs. Do you know why they call it a Freudian slip? Because Freud was a transvestite. Bet you didn’t
know that, did you? Hey, did you hear the one about the priest who goes up to the ninth floor to talk down a suicidal
man, and after chatting together for a couple of hours, they both jump? I had a patient in here the other day. He
told me his name was Cliff. I said to him, ‘So what’s your last name? Hanger or Notes?’ Needless to say,
he didn’t reschedule. Do you know how to tell when you’re old? When you think Alzheimer’s a beer. Did you
know that Jesus had a therapist? And do you know why no one knows that? Because it was confidential information
in those days too. Do you know why you would schedule three times a week if you had any sense? Of course, you
don’t! What’s the first thing Bugs Bunny says to his therapist? ‘What’s up, Doc?’ I suppose you thought
it was, ‘Where’s my carrot?’ We’re not all sappy reinforcing skinner boxes. Do you know what the rat said to his
therapist? ‘I smell a rat.’ ‘Me too,’ said the therapist...."
When the TDN reporter asked Dr. LOL what he does if the client requests time to talk about a specific
issue, Dr. LOL said that he simply refers him out to another therapist. Dr. LOL added that, interestingly enough, the
situation has never come up.
One of Dr. LOL’s patients indicated that he looked forward to his fifty minutes of non-stop laughter. His only reservation
was that he did not like to have appointments right after lunch. Another patient, who described himself as introverted,
said that the sessions gave him plenty of material. When ordinarily he would sit speechless in a group, now he was considered
the funny guy amongst his friends. Another patient indicated that he was not sure how effective the treatment is because recently
he went on stage at the IMPROV on open mike night, used all of Dr. LOL’s material and no one laughed. When he attempted
to tell Dr. LOL that he wasn’t at all funny by IMPROV standards, Dr. LOL simply responded that he was not trying to be a stand-up
comic, but a psychiatrist with an out of the box treatment protocol.
When TDN tried to inquire about a recent demonstration outside of his office, Dr. LOL refused
comment. The local news channel showed patients carrying protest signs, some saying things like,
THERAPY IS NOT A JOKE.
YOU’RE NOT FUNNY, DR. LOL.
LAUGH YOURSELF SILLY, DR. LOL, BUT GIVE US SOME HELP.
YOU’RE A VERY FUNNY NUT, DR. LOL AND THAT’S NO JOKE.
As indicated, the state board is looking into Dr. LOL’s treatment protocol and TDN will keep
you posted.
Monday, May 11, 2009
FEEL FOCUSED
Loma Linda--TDN reporter, I. M. Fine, recently interviewed the up and coming psychotherapist
of the twenty first century, Phil Focus, MFT. He has introduced a new approach to therapy in general. He calls
it, Feel Focused. When asked if the name for the new approach was a little hoakey, he said, "Not at all.
I'm Phil Focus, so my new approach might as well be named after me. Right?"
When asked to explain his new approach, Dr. Focus, said, "Hey, what's with that?
Why do I have to explain anything to you, a reporter? You'll only misquote me and describe my new
approach totally different from how I describe it. The only thing important here is my patients get it and afterwards,
they feel focused just like me."
When asked what kind of patients benefit from this approach, he smiled and simply
said, "Everyone, of course. Even Kobe has put it to good use. You notice how many points he's scoring?
That's because, he feels focused."
"Does it work for your children," the TDN reporter asked.
"Of course, I add a little something extra, a little something GREEK, a little
something some whimpy psycho therapists would not agree with, but yes, in general, I get my kids to focus and afterwards,
they FEEL focused, all over, especially on their you know what."
"No, what?"
"Their little hearts and brains, you idiot reporter. What newspaper did you
say you were from? The Therapist Daily News? What is that?"
The TDN reporter further inquired if Dr. Phil was able to get his wife to go along
with his approach.
"Well, you know how women are. It's like pulling teeth
to get my wife to go along with anything I propose. How's it for you?"
Well, needless to say, it was an interesting interview, and TDN will keep you posted.
Monday, May 4, 2009
PANDEMIC OUTBREAK OF DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY
Washington--TDN is now reporting that a recent outbreak
of Depression and Anxiety in this country can be traced to a small neighborhood in Paradise, a town in Northern California.
The outbreak was reported by a Dr Black, a local psychiatrist, who began noting symptoms of both depression and anxiety following
the economic down turn some months back, but did not realize the pandemic proportions of the symptoms nor was he able to predict
that it would spread from neighborhood to neighborhood and eventually to the entire nation. Dr. Black is recommending
that we close the borders of this country and prevent any international travel less the symptoms be spread to the rest of
the world.
When Dr. Black was invited to the Larry King
Show and asked if his perspective was a little quacky, he said, "absolutely not. These are real symptoms and spreading
like wild fire, and will have a far lasting negative impact on people than the swine flu will ever have. Yes, people
will die from both depression and anxiety."
When asked if there is medication available to
fight the ensuing pandemic, Dr. Black explained, "There really is no medication that will stop this disease from spreading.
Not even a good beer or scotch could stem the tide. But time out, a trip to your local mountains, jumping in the waves,
watching some old fashioned funny videos, laughing, increasing sexual activity, and taking time to eat a very good meal, playing
games like Mexican Train, and a prayer or two thrown into the mix would also help. And most importantly, make an
appointment with your favorite therapist. For some reason, people have stopped going to therapy which is causing the
spread of these same symptoms among the therapeutic community."
When asked if there was anything else that
will help, Dr. Black gave this bit of added advice. "Well as long as you don't suffer from diverticulitis, eating
NUTS will actually prevent you from becoming a NUT.
TDN will keep you posted.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
FATE OR INVITATION?
Lake Chaunce, Illinois--Renowned author and psychoanalyst,
Bono Fortuna, has found himself in somewhat of a fix. In his recent best seller, Victim No Mas, Dr. Fortuna
more than implies that victims actually invite what happens to them. Some Hindu experts are suggesting that Dr. Fortuna is
experiencing a kind of Karmanic backlash in which Dr. Fortuna gets a taste of what it’s like to be a victim. Some describe
the recent twist of fate as a "Karmanic undertow" which are waves of energy that keep pulling Dr. Fortuna into misfortune
after misfortune. The renowned astrologer, Crystal Starre said that this kind of thing happens to folks who set themselves
apart in a way that ridicules the normal ebb and flow of life. "Dr. Fortuna will have to decide for himself now whether or
not he is inviting these recent twists of fate or if he’s like the rest of us. Poop happens! You Know?"
It all started on January 15, when the U.S. Airways plane Dr. Fortuna was taking to Charlotte,
North Carolina for a symposium on "Luck, Fact or Fiction," crashed into the Hudson River. Then on Friday, February 13, while
Dr. Fortuna was exiting a Hotel, a sudden cloud burst prompted him to open his umbrella, and he was instantly struck by lightning.
A few moments prior to the lightning strike, Dr. Fortuna was describing lotto players as victims to their dreams, and made
the passing comment that one has a better chance of being struck by lightning than winning the lotto.
A week later, at another symposium on crime prevention, Dr. Fortuna was mugged while attempting
to unload a case of his latest book from a cab. His assailant pushed Dr. Fortuna to the ground and ran off with the case of
books. Later that day, he saw his assailant across the street from the symposium, selling his new book. When he confronted
his assailant, those purchasing the book, wrestled Dr. Fortuna to the ground and called the police.
During an interview with Larry King, when asked what he thought of his recent misfortunes, Dr.
Fortuna was speechless. When Mr. King asked him if he thought he was somehow inviting the misfortune, he looked stunned and
asked, "Why would someone ask such a question?" When Mr. King reminded him that this was the premise of his own best selling
book, Dr. Fortuna again was speechless. He muttered something to the effect, "Well, I’m not a victim."
"So poop just happens sometimes?" Mr. King retorted?
"Look," Dr. Fortuna angrily responded. "Just because I wrote a damned good book, doesn’t mean
you media folks can nail me to the cross."
"So you feel victimized by this interview?"
"What makes you think I feel victimized?"
Mr. King then turned to a recent video of Dr. Fortuna on U-tube. "So tell us what’s happening
in this video, Dr. Fortuna."
"Well, as you can see there, I’m running for my life. There, there, see the Rottweiler chasing
me."
"As I understand, you were minding your own business, walking down Fifth Avenue in New York, when
you decided to buy a hot dog and then this Rottweiler attacked you. Where did the dog come from?"
"I have no idea."
"The folks in the video are screaming something. What were they screaming?"
"They were all telling me to let that bleep bleep bleep dog have the hot dog."
"You know you can’t use that language on the air, Dr. Fortuna? So what finally happened there?"
"I ran into a Hotel with a revolving door, came out the other side, and I have no idea what happened
to the dog."
"It was all over the news, Dr. Fortuna, what happened to that poor Rottweiler."
"Well, I heard rumors that once in the hotel, he ran into an open elevator which took him to an
observation floor directly across from the Oscar Myer building, but that's all I know."
"And do you know how many floors up that observation area is?"
"Certainly not high enough for a beast."
"Well, I suppose you're not very popular with animal lovers these days, Dr. Fortuna. But
thanks for coming on the show, and we wish you better luck in the future."
"Well, it’s not a matter of luck, Larry, or fate. And if I get the last word, I’m not
a victim."
It was reported yesterday that Dr. Fortuna walked under a ladder and was struck in the head by
a copy of his own book which fell from a fifth story window of the City Library in Pontiac, Michigan where Dr. Fortuna was
giving a presentation at an Economic Recovery Symposium.
TDN will keep you posted.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
PENTAGON APPOINTS COMMISSION
Washington, D. C.--Four star General Will Stickitt announced today that a commission
of military psychiatrists and psychologists is being formed to study the phenomenon, never before observed in the military,
of rank and file military personnel talking back and questioning higher ups. "We can court martial and shoot just so many
soldiers before it becomes a public relations nightmare. I mean what do you tell the family? We shot him because he talked
back? I mean fifty years ago, the response might have been, ‘Well, we kept trying to tell that squirrely kid that someday
someone wasn’t going to put up with his mouth.’ But everyone is just looking at us like were nuts."
The names of the commission members were not to be made public till a press conference tomorrow,
but someone leaked the following names to TDN. Colonel Douglas Bicker, Lieutenant Colonel John DeBate, Sargeant Russel Hassle,
Lieutenant Colonel Jane Dicker, Chief Petty Officer, Susan Quarel, General Daniel Whiner, Lieutenant Antonio Harrassie, Sargeant
Getten Pettie, and the chairman of the committee is alleged to be recently retired General R. Gue. TDN will keep you posted
as to the commissions’ findings.
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2009.05.01 |
2009.04.01 |
2009.03.01 |
2007.11.01 |
2006.12.01 |
2006.09.01 |
2006.08.01 |
2006.07.01 |
2006.06.01
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Headline news will be updated as time and spirit flows. Submissions of spoofy news from the readers
will be considered
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| You may call me Shrink, Shrinker, Doc, or Doctor Shrinker. My name is not Calvin nor Doctor Klein. |
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