Monday, July 31, 2006
RET CAN CURE SHAME
TDN
ELLISVILLE--In a recent interview, renowned RET therapist, Johann Von Goelt, claimed
high success rate using RET techniques with clients suffering from toxic shame.
"The virst thing I do is tell them in a loud voice, 'LOOK INTO
VY EYES!' Then I tone it down, just a vittle vit. 'Vhat do you see there in vy eyes? Do you see yourselve?
Do you see your shamevul selve in vy eyes? OV COURSE NOT!'"
Dr. Von Goelt cites the most successful case, a client
who became so enraged that he punched out both lenses of his glasses. "As he levt vy ovvice, he screamed at me,
'I'm not ashamed anymore, you quack.' I think that's very successvul vurk."
Dr. Von Goelt will be presenting his findings in full,
later this month at a conference at the Albert University in Ellisville. TDN will be there to cover the events.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
RECORD FOR
BREAKING UP COUPLES
TDN
KNOTTSVILLE--Marriage therapist, Ida Saydo, currently holds the record for the speed with
which she can bring conflicted couples to a halting stop to their disfunctional relationship or marriage. Prior to a
session yesterday, with Bill and Sue Ann Armbraker, it generally took Dr. Saydo
one session to bring a chaotic couple to the realization that they just need to "call it a day," as she puts it. But
yesterday's session with Bill and Sue Ann lasted all of ten minutes and they were out of there, and on the way to their respective
attorneys' office.
"Is it a new approach?" the reporter asked Dr. Saydo.
"This couple was just plain over the top. First of all,
they showed up an hour early for their appointment and during that time in the waiting room, they went from damned near
having sex with each other on the waiting room floor, to whacking each other with the throw pillows and rolled up issues
of Time and Newsweek. I've never experienced any thing like it in my six months of practice.
When they finally came in and sat down in the therapy room, I just stared at them and told them they had ten minutes to pick
up the waiting room. They argued like little kids whose job it was to pick up the magazines and who was responsible
for the pillows lodged between the florescent light and the ceiling. 'You guys are absolutely nuts,' I screamed
at them. 'You deserve each other!' I bellowed. Then they started arguing over that. 'She screamed at him,
'There's no way you deserve the likes of me.' And he responded, 'Ya damned right! I deserve better.' At
that point, she pulled out a bb gun and shot him in the butt. He grabbed a pair of scissors from the receptionist's
desk and cut off a huge chunk of her hair. That's when she said, 'That's it, I'm seeing my lawyer.' He then pushed
her down, and ran out the door screaming, 'I'm going to get to my lawyer first.' I breathed a sigh of relief and glanced
up at the clock. Exactly ten minutes into the session. What can I tell you?"
When asked if her speedy methodology had anything to do with her
inexperience, she just laughed at the TDN reporter. "Inexperienced? What are you talking about? I've been
married five times and divorced five times." TDN news will continue to follow this story.
DESERT THERAPIST
HAVING A HEYDAY
TDN
INDIO--Psychotherapist, Rod Fareinhite, reports that the current heatwave
is the coolest thing that's happened to his practice. "It's too hot even for couples to get into their usual fights.
Clients who have sex addicts for partners are getting a well-deserved reprieve. Too hot even for sex," Dr Farenhite
said. "But people are still coming to therapy. I keep the thermostat at 70, have free lemonaide available in the
waiting room, and folks are welcomed to hang around in the waiting room for as long as they want. There is so much conversation
going on in that waiting room, that I have put together two new groups."
When asked if anyone has complained about the $10.00 surcharge
for the privilege of hanging out in the waiting room and the free lemonaide, Dr Farenhite responded, "Well, I have a
couple of complainers who complain about every and anything. I just told them that if they didn't like the heat, then
get out of the kitchen." When Dr. Farenhite was asked to explain how that saying applied, he said, "I have no idea.
I don't think about everything I do or say all that thoroughly, for crying out loud. It's hot, you know. And I'm
doing something about it. So there. If they don't like the surcharge, I guess they can go home and sweat.
I'm certainly not going to sweat it."
When asked what he will do when it cools off, Dr. Farenhite
commented that he would deal with that when it actually cools off. "For right now, I'm off the Costco to buy more lemonaide."
TDN will continue to follow this hot story.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
NAIL BITERS LIVE BY THE SKIN OF THEIR TEETH
TDN
GUMLINE, TEX--A recent study of nailbiters showed that a majority of these folks
live on the edge most of the time. In fact, many of them live within blocks of the county line or within a few miles
of their state or province border. Now what are the chances of that?
Most of these tense folks sleep well to the edge of the
mattress, are always completing projects at the very last moment, and many wake up just seconds before the alarm goes off.
None of the research group were found to be impotent or
with low libido. Many reported nailbiting sexual experiences that literally drove them over the edge of their emotional
comfort zone. Most of them report having friends or partners who make eye contact with them when the friend is behind
the wheel and they are either in the front passenger seat or worse in the back seat. Fifty per cent of the group had
experienced traumas like suriving an airplane crash, and seventy per cent report being left behind at a gasoline station when
they were young and on a family vacation! Twenty percent report being accidentally shot by a parent or friend and ten
percent report being intentionally shot by a parent or friend. Brainwave studies show that nailbiters produce more brain
activity during a nail biting session than they do during sex. Along these same lines, many nail biters shamefully admit
smoking after a good nail biting session.
Many nail biters report an increase in nail biting approximately
three weeks prior to the Notre Dame vs USC football game. One percent of nail biters report falling over board on a
ship. Another one percent report falling into a deep well at some point in their life.
This research is in its beginning stages, so TDN will continue
to monitor up-and-coming findings. TDN reporter, Cliff Hangher, who is following this story, denies being a nail biter
himself. "I'm a finger tapper, not a nail biter," Cliff was reported to have sung(to the tune of "I'm A Girl Watcher") during
this interview!
Monday, July 10, 2006
THE DEVIL MADE ME DO IT!
TDN
DEATH VALLEY--The Association for Religous Therapists (ART) held
its annual meeting in Death Valley, California and unanimously adopted a resolution declaring that the DEVIL IS DEAD. Referencing
the God is Dead movement of the mid-sixties, the group reported that Satan died when the curtain was pulled on the
Wizard of Oz, over a half century ago.
Izee Knuevil, spokesperson for the
group, made the following announcement. "The devil is just a wizard hiding behind a curtain, given credit for every
imaginable and unimaginable human behavior. Some behavior is simply stupid and ridiculous and other behavior is well-calculated
and evil, but its plain old fashioned human thinking. No devil required. If you should see a guy with a tail
and horns, wearing a red suit and carrying a pitchfork, double check to see if you took your meds this morning, and if
you did, then splash water on him. It will work the same way it did for the wicked witch of the west!"
One of the organizations most prominent members, Reverend Phil
Harts, stated that "Unfortunately, evil rests in our chest cavity, keeping pace with every beat of our heart,
just dying for a chance to go h-i-i-s-s-s! If the devil is roaming the earth, he's only looking for water and a
place to cool off! That's why we held this annual get together in the desert! The devil is not here!"
"Ima Hughman," another spokesperson indicated that the organization
is dedicated to taking the spotlight off the fallen angel and putting it where it belongs. "PEOPLE make evil decisions.
That's all there is to it. Be accountable!"
The organization ended its conclave by singing a new verse to
the song Kumbaya. "Where have all the devils gone..."
When reporters confronted the current president
of the organization, Hugh Bett, with the realities of war, poverty, and crime throughout the world, he simply stated, "The
Devil you say! Yep, we are a bad bunch of folks, you bet!"
Monday, July 3, 2006
GROUP DECLARES INDEPENDENCE
TDN
PHILADELPHIA--Forty Five members of an Emotions Annonymous group
are planning to declare their independence from therapy in front of the Liberty Bell on July fourth. Ben Franklin, a
spokesperson for the group, was quoted as saying, "It's simply time for us. If our forefathers and foremothers could
declare their independence from Mother England, then we too can declare our independence from our Mother and Father PSCHO-therapists."
One newswire report indicated that this declaration could spark a
wave of declarations across the country and that therapists might be sitting around nodding their heads to empty chairs this
summer. Eyenoh Mipayne, a spokesperson for ANT (the Association of Narcissistic Therapists) assured his colleagues that
the Philadelphia movement was in no way a mirror of things to come. "These twelve steppers are finally reaching
a stage of individuation that they should have reached years ago," he was quoted as saying. The general
consensus from other therapists interviewed is that summer tends to be a slow season anyhow. "They'll be back crying
and whining the second week of September, when their kids go back to school and start behaving like their parents," commented
Izah Nizeguy, a spokesperson for NAPP (National Association of Poor Psychotherapists).
There are scattered reports of patients setting off firecrackers
in their therapists office, but as of this report, there have been no injuries or serious damages resulting from the protest.
H0W FREE IS THE FIRST FAMILY?
TDN
Washington DC--A recent Giddeyup poll found that most Americans
are not cool with the first family attending therapy. Participants in the poll had the following concerns.
"Other countries will think we elected a nut to the Whitehouse!"
"What? They have problems? Like what?"
"Our President can't be seen as an ordinary Joe Blow with problems."
"The guy does enough public relations damage all by himself without going to therapy!"
"If the First Family goes to therapy, people around the world will think they have problems, like their kids
do drugs or the President is an alocholic or something."
"Does the Pope go to therapy? So there's your answer!"
"What if it came out that the President was impotent? I mean everyone already suspects that he's a
puppet. No way!"
"There is nothing wrong with our President or his family. Even if there is, it'd be wrong for them to go
to therapy.
"Can anyone imagine the cost of such an adventure? The budget is way out of line as it is, and
you know those therapist charge an arm and a leg. There would be no sliding scale here!"
"What if it turned out that the President was a premature ejaculator? People would jump to a conclusion
that he was trigger happy when it came to war and nuclear weaponry."
An anonymous source in the Whitehouse indicated that the biggest problem with the first family going to therapy
is finding a therapist. "When treatment was completed, we'd have kill the therapist! We're not risking that
fiasco, you know, Memoirs Of The President's Shrink."
