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Therapist Daily News
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Home | Ted Bear | Ann Slander | CREDITS/LINKS | Mailbag
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Welcome to The Therapist Daily News!
This Newsletter is a TOTAL SPOOF. That's not to say there are not elements of "truth" in the
Spoof. This Newsletter is meant to be a catalyst to endorphonic explosions in the brain. If you become addicted
to reading this Newsletter, be sure to inform the committee responsible for the next version of DSM.
I ALSO WANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE the source of some of the graphics. CREDITS/LINKS
CHECK OUT THE MAILBAG!
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Monday, August 21, 2006
SHRINK CELEBRATES BIRTHDAY
TDN
YOUNGSTOWN--The nationally acclaimed woman psychotherapist, Ura Shreenk, invited all of her clients
to join her for her sixty first birthday celebration at a local restaurant here in Youngstown. "I received all
kinds of gifts," she told the TDN reporter. "Everything from sexy underwear to a lawsuit."
Most of her clients reported that they enjoyed being able to
participate in such an intimate event with their therapist. "This boundaries thing can sometimes eliminate clients from
getting a real glimpse of who their therapist really is," a Joy Knaught was quoted as saying. It is not clear if
Joy is a cient or not!
The celebration did land Ura into trouble with the State Board as several customers,
who just happened to be at the restaurant at the same time, were offended that she attempted to hypnotize them into paying
for the entire bill. "I know we drove up in a Bentley and all, but that's no reason to come after us like she's some modern
day Robin Hood or something," the complaining customers were quoted as saying.
Ura did receive a warning from the Board and is required to take an ethics
course prior to her next birthday if she wishes to renew her license.
When the TDN reporter asked Ura directly what was going on in her
mind when she attempted to hypnotize the wealthy patrons, she simply laughed and commented, "I won't work with clients who
drive Bentleys just for this very reason. They're just snobs and you can't talk them into anything. And besides,
the celebration was at Denny's for crying out loud. Two clients showed up, and we all ordered off the senior menu.
How much could the bill have been? These Bentley folks are just old and very bent in their thinking. That's
what I think," she exclaimed. When asked if she was going to follow through with the Board's recommendation, "Of course,
unless I find out that they drive Bentleys too, but I doubt it. Folks on those Boards are usually folks who are
just bored in the first place and probably drive old beat up Honda Accords!"
TDN will continue to follow this story.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
LIPSTICK AND SILVERWARE
TDN
FRESNO--A former marathon runner from the San Joaquin Valley is suing the Department
of Homeland Security for the development of an anxiety disorder. The woman, who requested that we withhold her identity,
reported that her symptoms appeared about a day after a very embarrassing incident at the security check point at the Portland,
Oregon International Airport. "I had this old tube of lipstick that I just could not part with. I wish now I would
have just tossed it in the barrells like everyone else was doing. When I nicely asked the security person
if it was okay for me to keep the lipstick, He began yelling at me, 'You Stoop! Can't you read the fifty million
signs? No gels, pastes, liquids, NO, lady.' I remember gasping for air and then falling to the ground."
MFT also reported that after the fiasco at the security
check point, she became paranoid and anxious to the point that during the entire flight, she imagined hearing the silverware
in her checked baggage clanging around. "I know there is no way I could have heard that silverware klunking around
in my suitcase, " MFT said, "but I did, and I thought for sure at any moment, the plane would return to Portland and I would
be arrested." The woman indicated that the silverware was a gift from her cousin in Edmonton, Washington whose name
we will also withhold for reasons of propriety.
Since the incident, the former marathon runner reports feeling
anxious and having a compulsion to buy lipstick and then hide it throughout her house. She also reported that someone
in her family was making her even more crazy by planting rosary beads in all of the places she was hiding lipstick.
When asked if she was planning to see a therapist, the woman
said she had more therapists in her family than Freud had neuroses. "It's bad enough having your picture with your dress
over your head on the floor of an international airport, published in every major newspaper and shown on every network television
newscast," she is quoted as saying. "That is torture enough. Why would I add to it by going to therapy?
What do you think I am, a Stoop?"
TDN contacted the FBI, the Department of Transportation,
and Homeland Security, but only the FBI returned our calls. The FBI indicated that they knew something about the person
in Edmonton, Washington, but knew nothing of the former marathon runner. TDN will continue to follow this story.
TDN has also contacted Webster Dictionary Research Department to get a complete understanding of the word, Stoop,
which has come up several times in this story.
Monday, August 14, 2006
72 VIRGIN AIRWAYS
TDN NEWS
SEATTLE--Doctor Otto Urminh, a Seattle psychotherapist and a former ergonomics consultant for the
big "B" in Seattle, has submitted a request to the FAA to begin a new airlines, 72 Virgin Airways. "Anyone
looking like a terrorist, acting like a terrorist, walking like a terrorist, talking like a terrorist, smelling like a terrorist
are all welcomed aboard," Dr Urminh was quoted as saying. "Recent DNA studies have given us significant information
about terrorists. We can recognize these folks," Dr Otto insists. "Once they get hooked on their reward,
there will be no turning back. They will line up in droves to buy tickets. Our only problem is running out of
available planes."
All flights will require only one way tickets, and the planes
will be unmanned crafts, radio controlled from the ground. There will be absolutely NO screening of either luggage or
persons. Some of the movies shown during the flight will be, "The Wizard of Oz," "Old Yeller," "Stairway to Heaven,"
"The Last Crusade," "The Passion of the Christ," "My Favorite Virgin," "Hijacked," "Go East, Young Man," and an all time
favorite, "The End Is Near."
Dr. Otto Urminh predicts that if his experiment works, terrorism will join the
Crusades and the gasoline engine as a thing of the past.
The big "S," another Seattle based corporation has announced that
it will provide each flight with as many Jo-to-go's boxes as necessary.
TDN will continue to follow the development of this new airline.
Wednesday, August 9, 2006
THE PRICE OF GAS
TDN NEWS
OILDALE--Bakersfield Psychotherapist, Dr. Phil Tanks, recently initiated a new
system for calculating his client's fee for service. A miniaturized version of a gas pump stands next to Dr. Phil's
chair in the therapy room and clicks away during the session, keeping track of how many gallons (minutes)of therapy the client
pumps!
A security camera captures the client's vehicle as the client pulls
into the parking space in front of Dr. Phil's office. The image is immediately sent to a computer where it is determined
what grade of gasoline the client uses. Dr. Phil then uses a factor of .45 to calculate the hourly fee which is then
divided by sixty to calculate a per minute fee. Dr. Phil is quite adamant in insisting that he is perhaps the only therapist who provides
his clients with a true hour.
"Of course the fee changes from week to week. And God forbid they
ever resolve this oil crisis in my lifetime," Dr. Phil was quoted as saying.
A manic patient told our reporter that it was an absolute gas to see Dr.
Phil for therapy. However, many patients were showing up on bicycles in hopes of getting their sessions for free.
Dr. Phil, who is an economist and physicist turned shrink, quickly calculated the amount of oxygen "they are robbing
from the rest of us, especially the elderly and those with breathing diseases" and came up with a formula for determining
the fees "of those who like to be free riders."
Dr. Phil, himself, has never been seen leaving his office, so no one knows
what Dr. Phil drives nor what drives Dr. Phil! He is best known for saying to his client after they write the check,
"Tank You, Tank you very much."
Wednesday, August 2, 2006
GW WAS A NO SHOW
TDN
WASHINGTON--Luke Fahrenwide, an investigative reporter for the Post,
has been tracking GW's private affairs outside the oval office, and his latest findings indicate that, over the course
of the past six years, GW has had numerous appointments with a Dr. Wes Whing, who, in Washington circles, is known as
the Whitehouse shrink.
However, records indicate that GW has just never shown
up. When asked if GW was required to pay no-show fees, Luke Fahrenwide indicated that Dr Wes's customary fee for politicians
was $500 a session. "I don't imagine that Dr. Whing is going to just throw away $500 for an opportunity to spend fifty
minutes looking out the window of his office overlooking the sight of George Washington's crossing of the Potomac."
When Luke was reminded that it was the Delaware, he simply said that private diaries reveal that during the time he was having
an affair with Betsy Ross, our first President George crossed the Potomac on numerous occasions, usually late at
night and early in the morning.
Rumor mills indicate that the visits to Dr. Whing were
first suggested by GW's cabinet, when they could not get him to stop laughing hysterically about the rising
cost of oil prior to nationally televised press conferences. TDN was advised by the CIA not to print this story, but,
in its committment to spoofy news, TDN is printing this story and will continue to follow Mr. Fahrenwide's investigative work.
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Headline news will be updated as time and spirit flows. Submissions of spoofy news from the readers
will be considered
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| You may call me Shrink, Shrinker, Doc, or Doctor Shrinker. My name is not Calvin nor Doctor Klein. |
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