CLASS ACTION SUIT
"I EXIST"
THERAPISTS WILL AWAKE TO COAL IN THEIR STOCKINGS AS THE MAN IN RED PRESENTS HIS RED SUIT
IN COURT
TDN
BETHLEHEM--A Pennsylvania Fedeal District Court became the center
of attention late today as a gentleman, who described himself as Santa Claus, filed a class action suit against every registered
practitioner of psychotherapy in the country. "They've convinced their clients, young and old, that it is crazy to believe
in me. I am sickened by the number of children who sit on my lap in department stores and cry, 'My therapist says you're
not real.' Who are these heartless debunkers of tradition and truth? Well, they're not getting away with it any
longer!"
In response to the suit, famed Dr. Teleme More said, "When he
puts his fat butt on my couch, then I might believe." More further taunted the man in red to give a better example by
giving up his pipe and treating the reindeer more humanely.
Therapists all across the country were being contacted, and
reactions were varied and perhaps revealing of the whole therapy industry.
"How were we suppose to know he was real?"
"Any guy that flies a sleigh, climbs down chimneys, and leaves
coal or gifts in stockings hung on the chimney is as crazy as the people who hang the stockings."
"The guy can be in my overeaters group any time."
"If he is real, he is a hazard to holiday air travel.
We have enough problems with terrorists."
"Real or not, the man is obviously dissociated, and probably
suffering from dementia. I mean, he's old, isn't he?"
"Send me a few more cash-paying clients for Christmas, and then
I'll believe."
"Tell him he needs a good therapist."
"Santa or not, the guy has delusions of grandeur and is codependent
as heck--being responsible for presents for the entire world! I thought my mother was bad!"
When talk radio hosts, John and Ken heard about the suit,
they angrily asserted that "Taxpayers should not pay any medical expenses should the old man become ill while delivering
presents in California."
Cardinal Mahoney was quoted as saying, "Well, originally, he
was known as Saint Nick, and I just hope he keeps his hands to himself. We can't afford any more lawsuits."
TDN reporter Jack B. Lieves will keep you posted.
