IT’S BASEBALL SEASON AT DOCTOR HOLMES' OFFICE ALL YEAR ROUND

Holtville--TDN recently interviewed Dr Holmes Pleight, (PhD) who is being investigated by the State Board for his controversial approach to men who suffer from what he calls OUT syndrome.

     Dr. Holmes is alleged to shout at men, in front of their wives, "Step up to the plate, Man. STEP UP TO THE PLATE." It is also reported that embedded in the middle of the therapy room carpet is a large tile replica of home plate. Dr. Holmes is alleged to point to the tile as he bellows his exhortations.

     Dr. Holmes is also alleged to make statements like, "You’re out, Man. Just plain out, as in OUT OF CONTROL."  If Dr Holmes observes a male client making, in his estimation, too many controlling statements in a session, Dr Holmes makes an out sign with his thumb and the client is ejected from the session. The ejected client is also required to wear a small pendant of home plate until the next session.

     Dr. Holmes is reported to have been attacked several times by male clients with baseball bats when leaving his office at the end of the day, but Dr. Holmes has a black belt and has effectively disarmed his client assailants. He then requires that these same clients attack him again in front of their partners.

     "This is just plain fowl territory," one male client complained. "I can’t stand the way my wife just beams when he shouts at me."

     Another male client reported that his wife is now saying to him things like, "‘If you want to get to first base with me tonight, you’d better start throwing something other than your control pitch.’ When I screw up, just even a little bit, she glares at me and screams, ‘You’re battin zero again, Freddy. No, let me put it even more clearly. You’re OUT.’"

     Another male client, who swears by Dr. Holmes' tactics, reported, "Since I gave up my control game, I’ve been battin clean up every morning and every night." When the TDN reporter asked him to clarify who else his wife was sleeping with or if they were swingers, the man looked puzzled and said, "You reporters are all alike. You gotta ruin a perfectly good interview by being so exact with the metaphors. There’s no on-deck circle in our bedroom, you idiot. So I should have said, she lets me hit a home run. Go home and play Tball with yourself."

     Dr. Holmes told the TDN reporter that he has a waiting list of couples because the buzz around town is that many men are deciding to step up to the plate after only one or two sessions with Dr. Holmes. He said he got the idea for the "treatment" when a neighbor man called him on the cell phone one day when Dr. Holmes’ wife was in distress. Dr. Holmes said that all he could hear was his wife in the background screaming, and so he started asking questions. The neighbor man shouted at Dr. Holmes, "You better stop asking me questions, Man, and just step up to the plate, and get your ass over here right now!" "It sure got my attention," Dr. Holmes reported. When asked further what distress his wife was in, Dr. Holmes simply said it had to do with "Our #$%*@#$%$$%&* Chihuahua being malled by a @#$%^&*%$^&* Rottweiller." When Dr. Holmes asked if he always talked so colorfully, he made a strong gesture with his right arm. "Is this Louisville slugger colorful enough for you?"

     TDN will keep you posted.