Lake Chaunce, Illinois--Renowned author and psychoanalyst, Bono Fortuna, has found himself in somewhat of a fix. In his recent best seller, Victim No Mas, Dr. Fortuna more than implies that victims actually invite what happens to them. Some Hindu experts are suggesting that Dr. Fortuna is experiencing a kind of Karmanic backlash in which Dr. Fortuna gets a taste of what it’s like to be a victim. Some describe the recent twist of fate as a "Karmanic undertow" which are waves of energy that keep pulling Dr. Fortuna into misfortune after misfortune. The renowned astrologer, Crystal Starre said that this kind of thing happens to folks who set themselves apart in a way that ridicules the normal ebb and flow of life. "Dr. Fortuna will have to decide for himself now whether or not he is inviting these recent twists of fate or if he’s like the rest of us. Poop happens! You Know?"

     It all started on January 15, when the U.S. Airways plane Dr. Fortuna was taking to Charlotte, North Carolina for a symposium on "Luck, Fact or Fiction," crashed into the Hudson River. Then on Friday, February 13, while Dr. Fortuna was exiting a Hotel, a sudden cloud burst prompted him to open his umbrella, and he was instantly struck by lightning. A few moments prior to the lightning strike, Dr. Fortuna was describing lotto players as victims to their dreams, and made the passing comment that one has a better chance of being struck by lightning than winning the lotto.

     A week later, at another symposium on crime prevention, Dr. Fortuna was mugged while attempting to unload a case of his latest book from a cab. His assailant pushed Dr. Fortuna to the ground and ran off with the case of books. Later that day, he saw his assailant across the street from the symposium, selling his new book. When he confronted his assailant, those purchasing the book, wrestled Dr. Fortuna to the ground and called the police.

     During an interview with Larry King, when asked what he thought of his recent misfortunes, Dr. Fortuna was speechless. When Mr. King asked him if he thought he was somehow inviting the misfortune, he looked stunned and asked, "Why would someone ask such a question?" When Mr. King reminded him that this was the premise of his own best selling book, Dr. Fortuna again was speechless. He muttered something to the effect, "Well, I’m not a victim."

     "So poop just happens sometimes?" Mr. King retorted?

     "Look," Dr. Fortuna angrily responded. "Just because I wrote a damned good book, doesn’t mean you media folks can nail me to the cross."

     "So you feel victimized by this interview?"

     "What makes you think I feel victimized?"

     Mr. King then turned to a recent video of Dr. Fortuna on U-tube. "So tell us what’s happening in this video, Dr. Fortuna."

     "Well, as you can see there, I’m running for my life. There, there, see the Rottweiler chasing me."

     "As I understand, you were minding your own business, walking down Fifth Avenue in New York, when you decided to buy a hot dog and then this Rottweiler attacked you. Where did the dog come from?"

     "I have no idea."

     "The folks in the video are screaming something. What were they screaming?"

     "They were all telling me to let that bleep bleep bleep dog have the hot dog."

     "You know you can’t use that language on the air, Dr. Fortuna? So what finally happened there?"

     "I ran into a Hotel with a revolving door, came out the other side, and I have no idea what happened to the dog."

     "It was all over the news, Dr. Fortuna, what happened to that poor Rottweiler."

     "Well, I heard rumors that once in the hotel, he ran into an open elevator which took him to an observation floor directly across from the Oscar Myer building, but that's all I know."

     "And do you know how many floors up that observation area is?"

     "Certainly not high enough for a beast."

     "Well, I suppose you're not very popular with animal lovers these days, Dr. Fortuna.  But thanks for coming on the show, and we wish you better luck in the future."

     "Well, it’s not a matter of luck, Larry, or fate.  And if I get the last word, I’m not a victim."

     It was reported yesterday that Dr. Fortuna walked under a ladder and was struck in the head by a copy of his own book which fell from a fifth story window of the City Library in Pontiac, Michigan where Dr. Fortuna was giving a presentation at an Economic Recovery Symposium.

TDN will keep you posted.

PENTAGON APPOINTS COMMISSION

Washington, D. C.--Four star General Will Stickitt announced today that a commission of military psychiatrists and psychologists is being formed to study the phenomenon, never before observed in the military, of rank and file military personnel talking back and questioning higher ups. "We can court martial and shoot just so many soldiers before it becomes a public relations nightmare. I mean what do you tell the family? We shot him because he talked back? I mean fifty years ago, the response might have been, ‘Well, we kept trying to tell that squirrely kid that someday someone wasn’t going to put up with his mouth.’ But everyone is just looking at us like were nuts."

     The names of the commission members were not to be made public till a press conference tomorrow, but someone leaked the following names to TDN. Colonel Douglas Bicker, Lieutenant Colonel John DeBate, Sargeant Russel Hassle, Lieutenant Colonel Jane Dicker, Chief Petty Officer, Susan Quarel, General Daniel Whiner, Lieutenant Antonio Harrassie, Sargeant Getten Pettie, and the chairman of the committee is alleged to be recently retired General R. Gue. TDN will keep you posted as to the commissions’ findings.

 

nEW yORK--Dr April Phul, M. D. is no joke. On April first of each year, she offers pro bono sessions to anyone who can come up with an April Fools joke that makes her most depressed patients laugh hysterically.

     Dr Phul picks ten "contestants" who have responded to her advertisement in the New York Times. One by one, the contestants enter a therapy room where five of Dr. Phul’s most depressed clients sit quietly together. If the contestant can make at least three of the clients laugh hysterically, he or she receives six pro bono sessions. If all five clients laugh hysterically, the contestant receives a year of weekly pro bono sessions. Dr Phul has been running the April Fools Day event now for ten years, and so far no one has been successful at making any of the patients laugh period let alone laugh hysterically.

     Some think that the event is rigged, and in fact the April Fools joke is on the contestants who often become so depressed at their failed attempt that they seek Dr. Phul’s services anyway. Some folks think that Dr Phul simply works with the most depressed patients on this side of the dark side of the moon.

     Dr. Phul recently admitted that the event is sponsored by a large pharmaceutical company and in the event that there were winners, the pharmaceutical company would laugh up the fees.

     When the selected patients were interviewed by this TDN reporter who is concerned about the patients feeling used or being objectified and treated like guinea pigs, this reporter was shocked to find out that the patients were quite willing to participate in the experiment as they received a years supply of antidepressants or placebos at no cost. In the ten years the event has been held, all the patients who have participated in the study have all reported becoming free of their depression almost a year to the day, but also report such intense anger that they end up enrolling in Dr. Phul’s anger management group which is run by Dr. Jack Nicholson. TDN will keep you posted.