What's featured in the Journal?
I'll tell you what's featured in the Journal—
Item about a Motorola man who invents such a catastrophic bomb, that
he's pulling down a royalty of $10,000, diurnal;
That's what's featured in the Journal.
What's on the tickertape?
I'll tell you what's on the tickertape—
Somebody at DuPont has just announced the advent of a Miracle—toothpaste
tubes that keep their shape;
That's what's on the tickertape.
What's happening in Newsweek?
I'll tell you what's happening in Newsweek—
Thom McAn is attempting to mount a big campaign for National Elevator
Shoes Week;
That's what's happening in Newsweek.
Lucre's the stuff that attracts 'em;
Love of money is a universal maxim.
When a Wall Street guy
Takes a tip on the sly,
Don't look now, but he's doing it for some dough.
When a priest comes out
For Suppression of Sin,
It should come as no shock
He's hoping his flock
Will cough up the tin.
When a college grad's
Writing cigarette ads,
And he claims his tobacco's as pure as snow,
Call it wise, call it foolish—
Well, in any event, it's ghoulish;
But the guy's only doing it for some dough.
When a centerfold
Marries somebody old,
It's a scheme to accumulate beaucoup dough.
When a broad breeds broods
For the surrogate trade,
Sure, they're blessed events,
As long as the rent's
Consistently paid.
When a prostitute
Robs a trick of his loot
But he thinks she's performing fellatio,
Call it old, call it recent—
Either way, it's a bit indecent,
But the doll's only doing it for some dough.
When the Pentagon
Buys a jet from a John,
It's a cinch that the John'll wind up with dough.
When a bureaucrat
Grants a government bid,
What's he get for the quo?
Well, whaddayaknow—
A sizeable quid.
When a Ph.D.'s
Wearing torn dungarees
And he begs for simoleans on Skid Row,
Call it theft, call it cadgin'—
Which is better, I can't imagine;
But the guy's only doing it for some dough—
Yeah, bo! You know
The guy's only doing it for some dough!
