A. The Actress,

Whose back tress

Is false as her furs,

Thinks Tonys

Are phonies,

Except when they're hers.

 

We all seek ovations,

Whatever our stations,

Philosophies, nations or climes;

But folks along Broadway

Have rather an odd way

Of going about it, at times.

 

B. The Bookie

Plays hooky

If long shots come through,

But choosers

Of losers

He sticks to like glue.

 

The prudent odds-taker

Should give the Bookmaker

A beeper as part of the deal;

I'm willing to wager

No man with a pager

Has ever ignored its appeal.

 

C. The Copper

Is proper;

He's not on the take.

Small wonder!

The dunder-

Head isn't awake.

 

As most Snivel Servants

In duty's observance

Extort and solicit and rob,

Our hearts ought to soften

When, every so often,

We find them asleep on the job.

 

D. The Doctor

Unfrocked her

And gazed at her bust,

His yearning

For learning

Untainted by lust.

 

This Scion of Science

May set at defiance

The petty concerns of police,

But brows in the middle

Who do as Doc did 'll

Do time for disturbing the piece.

 

E. The Extra

A dextra

Upstages the star.

How gallant!

What talent!

This kid 'll go far.

 

So learn from this Trouper,

If you're but a super

In Life's egotistical cast—

He heeded Durocher

(It may not seem kosher,

But nice guys in fact finish last).

 

F. The Fetus:

Quietus,

Its probable lot;

Abortion

Its portion,

As likely as not.

 

Our basements and attics

Are filled with Fanatics—

We find them all over the place,

Devoutly pursuing

What God would be doing,

If He knew the facts of the case.

 

G. The Ganef

Can con, if

Occasion demands,

Preferring

When erring

To work with his hands.

 

Variety spices

Both virtues and vices,

Providing a welcome relief.

You feeling an itching

For stealing and snitching?

Then be a vice-versatile thief.

 

H. The Hooker:

They book her

And read her her rights;

Come morning,

They're warning

Her not to work nights.

 

The moral bonanza

Contained in my stanza

Is plain to the reader of sense:

That any profession,

In boom or recession,

Involves a degree of expense.

 

I. The Ijjit

Would fidget

At penning mere prose,

So nurses

Set verses

For him to compose.

 

The opposite picture,

Deserving of stricture,

Is rotten; "'Tain't funny, McGee!"

It's caricaturish,

Distasteful and boorish—

In fact, it's a picture of me.

 

J. The Junkie:

Her monkey

Won't get off her back—

"Don' wanna

Banana;

Jus' gimme some smack!"

 

The lesson depicted

In being addicted

Is ugly, but nonetheless true:

There's no symbiosis

As pure as narcosis;

You feed on it—it feeds on you.

 

K. The Kleagle

Is legal

And, just like the Klan,

Auroral-

Ly moral;

And I'm from Japan.

 

For cheap histrionics

And cranial onyx,

The Klansman has everyone beat;

Not even the rashest,

Most lunatic Fascist

Suits up in his mother's old sheet.

 

L. The Loser,

A boozer,

Is now out of work.

(His steady

Already

Broke up with the jerk.)

 

Unless it's my hearing

That's faulty, you're sneering

At such a succession of flops.

But whence your successes?

Rich uncle? Good guesses?

Or have you been squaring the cops?

 

M. The Mugger,

Who'll bugger

Youse, given de chance,

Continues

To skin youse

By stealin' your pants.

 

Recite that in Coney—

They'll spot you're a phony,

And loudly vociferate, "Jeez—!

You joik!  Are you rural?

W'y, "youse" is de plural

Of 'you,' in correct B'ooklynese!"

 

N. The Nudist

Is crudest,

And lives in the buff.

His loathing

For clothing

Is morbid enough.

 

If "less than a barrel"

Describes your apparel,

I'm certain it's all very well;

But don't let me see it—

I'm squeamish (albeit

I wouldn't be so with Raquel).

 

O. The Outlaw

May flout law

To serve his own weal,

But plunder

His thunder

And, boy, does he squeal!

 

When heightened awareness

Makes foes of unfairness,

They carry a powerful clout;

Like critics of Sterno

In Dante's Inferno,

They know what they're talking about.

 

P. The Pastor,

Who's faster

Than God on the draw,

Can collar

Your dollar

While dodging the Law.

 

When I see a parson

Who's richer than Carson—

Who shops Neiman-Marcus and Saks—

I know his religion's

A-number-one pigeon's

The agent who gathers the tax.

 

Q. The Quisling,

In chis'ling

The land of his birth,

Is careful

To snare full

Ten times what he's worth.

 

The root of all schism

Is Patriotism—

It feeds international frays

(If that's not a reason

Sufficient for Treason,

Consider this factor: it pays).

 

R. The Rapist,

A Papist,

Before he will prod,

Cries, "Pardon

This hard-on,

Sweet Mother of God."

 

So strong is the bias

Of some of the pious,

They have the sheer balls to profess

That reverent unction

Can bless any function

And justify any excess.

 

S. The Stripper

Is chipper,

Because she is paid

For shakin'

Her bacon

Without getting laid.

 

Some bozo engages

Her, pays her good wages,

While giving her nothing to do;

And chumps pay admission

To not have coition—

I frankly don't get it.  Do you?

 

T. The Toady

Is grody,

Fer sher, to the max:

While truckling,

He's chuckling

Behind all our backs.

 

We purchase such Minions

To cheer our opinions

And call us the salt of the earth,

And so we politely

Insist (and quite rightly)

On getting our full money's worth.

 

U. The Urchin

Goes lurchin'

Through tourists in Rome;

Mazuma

From Yuma

Is what he takes home.

 

The skills of the Gamin

Can obviate famine

By giving him something to eat;

Whereas, for the Tourist

(Whatever the purist

May say), it's a cultural treat.

 

V. The Victim:

They've tricked him,

But why the grimace?

For humans,

Albumen's

What goes on the face.

 

Existence is roses

If each of your bows is

Equipped with additional string,

But bleak as November,

Unless you remember

There's two bro's to every sting.

 

W. The Warden,

Whose cordon

Encircles the pen,

Will quiet

The riot

By shooting the men.

 

To find a solution,

Your wise institution

Applies a reliable test:

Of all of the answers

To national cancers,

The quickest and cheapest are best.

 

X. However

The clever

May heckle and mock,

I've planned on

Abandon-

Ing X, like Belloc.

 

We lawyers, in crisis,

Use stare decisis

Before our opponents can blink.

No gimmick is slicker,

And here is the kicker:

It saves us from having to think.

 

Y. The Yippie

Was dippy,

And doomed to defeat:

No hellions'

Rebellions

Could conquer the Street.

 

The Yuppie was wiser,

And quick to advise her

To put her campaign on the shelf—

The pandemic Is-ness

Of gluttonous Business

Was quietly fixing itself.

 

Z. The Zero

Is hero

To nobody here;

Unwitting-

Ly fitting,

He brings up the rear.

 

Unless you're from Venus,

You're part of the genus

And species we call Homo sap;

So don't be myopic

And think that the topic

Of this one is "some other chap."