When Christmas bells are ringing,

Don't try to come out swinging;

Look out, chum,

'Cause here they come—

 

You better stay hid!

You better lay low!

I'm tellin' you, kid,

In case you don't know—

Santa Clauses clog up the town.

 

You're ready to shop;

You've money to burn;

You suddenly stop—

Wherever you turn,

Santa Clauses jam up the town.

 

They cadge on every corner;

They beg in every mall;

They pester you at synagogue,

Where they don't belong at all.

 

With some that are crude,

And some that are fat,

And some that exude

An odor of cat—

Santa Clauses stink up the town!

 

[Return to Bridge for:]

 

Like earthworms after showers,

Like fungi in the spring,

They seem to pop up overnight

After Macy's does its thing:

 

And after these men

Have ruined your cheer,

They'll do it again

The following year—

Every year, this nonsense goes down;

 

All ringing their bells

Like lunatic Swiss—

A visit to Hell's

Comparative bliss,

When Santa Clauses clog up the town.