Supra sua sponte in personam judicata:

These are words that bother my medulla oblongata.

What's more soporific than a Hindemith sonata?

Supra sua sponte in personam judicata.

 

Believe me, you can never hope

To turn a client's head,

Or give a judge the old soft soap,

Or knock a jury dead,

Unless you learn the Latin bit

That guides the legal biz;

And here's the bit, i.e., to wit,

Specific'lly, and viz.:

 

Caveat sub judice et uxor in extremis:

Use it in the courtroom as a universal premiss—

I can guaranty you'll win a half a dozen Emmies;

Caveat sub judice et uxor in extremis.

 

When I was just a junior clerk,

My life was pretty bleak—

I worked all night and slaved all day,

For half a grand a week,

Until I learned a fancy phrase

Employed by legal sharps,

And now I'm senior partner at

The firm of Skadden Arps!

 

Ibid. arguendo contra pacta sunt servanda

May not be the law, but it's effective propaganda;

Mumble this to Ginsberg, and she'll overturn Miranda:

Ibid. arguendo contra pacta sunt servanda.

 

And so I never enter court

Without a lexicon

To render into Latin my

"Whereas" and "thereupon."

If you would follow my advice,

You'll do the very same;

Whenever you address a judge,

Arise and state your claim:

 

Praecipe subpoena duces tecum ex relatio:

Legalese like this'll get the budding young Horatio

Interviews on Oprah and a spot on the Today show:

Praecipe subpoena duces tecum ex relatio.