1. LET'S NOT DO IT, AND SAY WE DID.
(Porter's "Let's Misbehave")
Have you had a blood-test, dear?
Then you should.
If it shows you're in the clear,
Well and good.
If it says you're positive, then I'm positive your specs
Do not meet my needs for casual sex.
We're all alone,
But Love has grown
Too full of dangers;
We're perfect strangers–
Let's both behave.
No escapades–
"This Thing Called AIDS"
Is too contagious.
I'm not courageous;
Let's both behave.
Although I used to be
A fairly free
Romancer,
When I was younger, dear,
My only fear
Was cancer.
But HIV's
The big disease,
Post-1980.
Let's not get matey;
Let's both behave!
It's tempting fate
To copulate
Without protection.
Why risk infection?
Let's both behave!
I feel quite sure
A bas l'amour
Should be our watchword;
When thoughts turn crotch-ward,
Let's both behave!
That some have even died,
Although they tried
A condom,
Disproves the theorem
Quod erat dem-
Onstrandum.
Some spiders just
Expire from lust,
And so do salmon.
Sex ain't backgammon!
Let's both behave!
2. MAKE EACH NEPAL A SHANGRI-LA, AND YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO WORRY
IF A HIM 'LL LAY YA.
(Porter's "Wunderbar")
Wonderbra!
Wonderbra!
If you'd boast a boosted bust—
One comme ci, one comme ça—
Go and buy a Wonderbra!
Wonderbra!
Wonderbra!
Just the right amount of thrust
Makes 'em all ooh and ah,
"Heaven bless the Wonderbra!"
If you're modest
In dimension—
Lightly bodiced—
Not endowed—
Here's a bosom-
Shaped invention
To perfect your
Architecture.
Wonderbra,
Wonderbra
Has become a fashion must,
So let's cheer, "Hip, hurrah!
Lift your cups for Wonderbra!"
3. STUBBY HUBBY; or, I Bet My Money on the Bobtail Nag.
(Woods's "When the Red, Red Robin Comes Bob, Bob, Bobbin' Along")
When Lorena Bobbitt
Is bob, bob, bobbin'
A dong–a dong,
Right away, you're sobbin'
Like some poor slob in
The grasp of Kong.
Check out–check out
Your model wife;
Look out! (gasp) Look out!
She's got a knife!
Act out–act out
A Slice of Life:
"Good girl! Gimme the Ginsu!"
If that "manicure"
Made you panic, you're
Not to blame;
No erection
Post-reconnection
Is quite the same.
Un-happy
Hooligan,
Though you've got a tooligan,
Who knows for how long,
When Lorena Bobbitt
Is bob, bob, bobbin'
A dong?
4. KEEP YOUR PANTS ON, GIFFORD.
(Fort's "Put Your Shoes On, Lucy")
Keep your pants on, Gifford–
Don't you know about surveillance?
Keep your pants on, Gifford;
You must be on inhalants,
To advertise your keister on videotape,
When it isn't in the very best of shape.
Keep your pants on, Gifford,
Though you've caught yourself a blonde;
To a see-through nightie
You had better not respond:
When a lady's knickers flash upon your sight,
Give her that "Sorry, ma'am, but not tonight."
Gifford,
Have you lost your marbles?
Gifford,
Did she kiss your yarbles?
Why you did it is a mystery:
Are you just not getting it from Kathie Lee?
Keep your pants on, Gifford,
When you talk to flight attendants.
Hold your horses!
Divorces
Can be nasty for defendants:
Alimony payments are certain to hurt.
Keep your pants on, Gifford–you could lose your shirt.
5. MALE CHAUVINIST PYGMALION; or, "My Galatea is a Hybrid Lady."
(Warren's "With Plenty Of Money And You")
Oh, baby, what I couldn't do,
With Hollywood surgeons and you!
I'd get you a facelift, a tummy tuck,
And a nose job, so you shouldn't look like Daffy Duck;
I'd buy you collagen treatments and thinner thighs
And silicone implants (the jumbo size);
To complete the production,
Discreet liposuction.
From looking like Rover,
You'd wind up in clover:
I'd do a make-over
Of you!
6. TWO.
(Berlin's "A Pretty Girl Is Like A Melody")
A pretty girl
Should have a mammary–
Or, better still, have two.
One seems absurd.
Yes, a pair is preferred.
And holy cow!
Imagine how
Superfluous a third!
Now, four or more
Bespeaks flim-flammery,
As well as lack of grace.
It's a widely-held view–
Quota is two.
It's pretty clear
A bust should comprise a brace.
7. BIOLOGY LESSON.
(Schwartz's "That's Entertainment")
A cock,
When it's ready to rock,
Meets a hole
When it's ready to roll;
If they join
More or less at the groin,
That's intromission!
A bone,
When it's hard as a stone,
Finds a bush
For a pull and a push;
If they merge
In response to an urge,
That's intromission!
A Jack
With a knack
And a talented tool
Can thrill
Any Jill
'Til she melts in a pool
Of inarticulate drool
(Though she might spoil the vignette
By muttering, "Is it in yet?").
She'll pout
While he's whipping it out,
But she'll grin
While he's sliding it in;
Then she'll scream,
As he shoots her the cream!
The joy that's to come?
To come
–that's the joy
Of intromission!
