1. SUBWAY SONG FOR EAST NEW YORKERS.
(Berlin's "Cheek to Cheek")
Nevins;
This is Nevins.
Change for Utica and New Lots Avenue.
If you take this train, you're bound to go askew.
This is not a 3 or 4 train. It's a 2.
Nevins;
This is Nevins.
I'll repeat the same until my face is blue,
For I have to get the message through to you.
This is not a 3 or 4 train. It's a 2.
If you want to go to Winthrop–
If you've nothing else to do–
This is just the train to get you there.
Take this one. (It's a 2.)
If you want to go to Newkirk
For a lover's rendezvous,
This is just the train to get you there.
Take this one. (It's a 2.)
Ask yourself,
"Is Church or President Street
My resident street?"
If not, I repeat:
At Nevins
(This is Nevins),
Change for Utica and New Lots Avenue.
If you still don't understand, then here's a clue:
This is not a 3 or 4 train. It's a 2.
2. YUPPIE CHARITY.
(Gershwin's "I Got Rhythm")
I got CD's;
I got blue chips;
I got mine, pal,
And to hell with everyone else.
I got time shares
In the Hamptons;
I got mine, pal,
And to hell with everyone else.
Screw the homeless!
I don't tip 'em;
I just slip 'em
My "heart-felt"'s.
I got Gucci's;
I got Barneys;
I got fur coats
Made of purebred platypus pelts,
And to hell with everyone else.
[Return to Release for:]
–You're a beggar?
Times are hard, son.
Here's my card, son–
My heart melts.
You got troubles;
I got troubles.
Just remember
That a wise man never unbelts,
And to hell with everyone else!
3. DOO-DOO DITTY.
(Berlin's "Puttin' On The Ritz")
Have you seen the doggie-doo
Up and down Park Avenue?
On that fragrant thoroughfare,
No one dares inhale the air.
Dog dung and canine ca-ca,
Pooch poop and mutt moussaka
Flood the town, because
No one follows the laws!
In New York,
They've got a rule
To keep each dork
And every fool
Who owns a spitz
Pickin' up the sh*ts.
Macho Greeks
Agree with Yuppies:
Whether Pekes
Or pinscher puppies,
It's the pits,
Pickin' up the sh*ts.
Man, by nature upright, is a stooper [every evening],
Armed with his official Highway Trooper®
Pooper-scooper.
Poor or rich,
When you've a Pom
Or poodle bitch,
Complete aplomb
Takes all your wits,
Pickin' up the sh*ts.
4. CLERICAL ERROR.
(Scott's "I've Got Rings On My Fingers")
John O'Con
Was cast upon
Manhattan's desert isle;
The native types
(Who fall for hypes)
Were suckers for his style.
On Threats to Salman Rushdie,
On Drug Abuse and AIDS,
They gave him plenty of scope,
And swallowed all his dope;
So he sent an envelope
To His Holiness, the Pope:
"Sure I've got rings on my fingers,
Rocks in my head;
Bugaboos to preach upon—
They're under every bed.
Come to St. Patrick's
(On Sundays, it's free)
And hear some mumbo-jumbo fiddle-de-dee,
Big P."
O'er the blue
Came John Paul Two
To hear his stooge discourse
On rigmarole
Like Birth Control,
Abortion and Divorce;
But when he sought the Vestry,
He found Beelzebub.
The Pope turned rather austere;
Said John, "Don't be severe—
I've had that souvenir
Since The Exorcist was here."
"Sure I've got rings on my fingers,
Straws in my hair;
Bugaboos to preach upon—
Chimeras everywhere.
Come to St. Patrick's,
And this Sunday, you
Will hear some oompus-boompus rannygazoo
Voodoo."
Card'nal red
The chuckle-head
Proceeded then to don;
A purple cope
Bedecked the Pope
(Which clashed with John O'Con).
When John began his sermon,
The Pope was all agog;
But when that sensible Pole
Heard John say, "Rock and roll
Corrupts the human soul!"
He responded, "Shut yer 'ole!"
"Sure you've got rings on your fingers,
Bats in your brain;
Bugaboos to preach upon—
You're certified insane.
Vacate St. Patrick's,
You misguided Euk!
When I hear hokum-bunkum gobbledygook,
I puke!"
5. LUCIFER IN THE SKY WITH DEMONS.
(Lennon and McCartney's "Hey Jude")
Hey John, don't get me wrong—
As a song
Judge, you've made a blunder.
The Devil's not under
Every divan;
Face it, my man—
You've made a blunder.
Hey John, it may be fun,
But it's un-
Cool to storm and thunder.
In future, try under-
Playing the role;
Losing control,
You've made a blunder.
Just open up your "north and south"—
Hey John, your mouth
Is richer by one appendage pedal.
And as for what you call your zeal—
Ho, hum. Big deal.
So what do you want? A friggin' medal?
(Blah, blah, blah, bla-ah, blah; blah, blah, blah, blah.)
Hey John, get one thing straight:
Church and State
Man has put asunder.
Rejoinder is under-
Taken in vain;
Folks would complain,
"You've made a blunder!"
So cut it out, and pack it in!
Hey John, your chin
Is functioning more or less at random.
You say that words to rock and roll
Corrupt the soul,
But who in the hell can understand 'em?
(Blah, blah, blah, bla-ah, blah; blah, blah, blah, blah.)
Hey John, I take it back.
You're a Flack
Whiz—a P. R. Wonder.
You've cashed in on under-
Currents of fear.
It's not so clear
You've made a blunder!
(Blunder, shmunder! Look at all that plunder!! Wow!!!!)
Blah, blah, blah, blithering bore!
Blithering bore—that's John.
Yak, yak, yak, yammering Euk!
Yammering Euk—that's John.
Nag, nag, nag, nattering nudzh!
Nattering nudzh—that's John.
Cheep, cheep, cheep, chattering chump!
Chattering chump—that's John.
[repeat with variations, ad nauseam]
6. MEMORANDUM FROM IVANA TO MARLA.
(Berlin's "Sisters")
Marla,
Marla,
Let's suppose you have supplanted Carla;
Though you're now the apple of The Donald's eye,
Someday, he'll leave you high and dry.
Willy-
Nilly,
You'll compete with filly after filly.
(As for competition, honey, here's a scoop:
It
stiffens, once your headlights droop.)
There's no ignoring
This downright boring
But obdurate Fact of Life:
No coat of varnish
Can hide the tarnish
On last season's trophy wife.
Now, now—
Chin up!
Better you should go and do a pin-up;
Everything considered, dear, it might be just as well.
Lord knows, a bimbo
With Hef in Celebrity Limbo
Would outrank a bimbo
With Trump in Celebrity Hell!
7. AND NOW, A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR—
(Mercer and Malneck's
"Goody Goody") - Visit the Neighborhoodies website at http://www.neighborhoodies.com.
If you plan to dress for Harlem or Harvard Yard
(Neighborhoodies™!),
With a retro chic that's secretly avant-garde
(Neighborhoodies™!);
If you want to be well-dressed;
If you want to buy the best,
With a custom-embroidered logo
Stitched on every chest:
There's a little firm in DUMBO that's made the scene—
Neighborhoodies™;
You can also check 'em out at Pier 17.
Gadzooks 'n' Land o' Goshen
(Excuse the sharp emotion)!
Neighborhoodies™ for him;
Neighborhoodies™ for her;
And the price 'll satisfy the Fiscal You.
8. DISENCHANTED.
(von Tilzer's "A Bird In A Gilded Cage")
It's only a burg in the wilderness;
A hick little one-horse town.
Every dawn, it wakes, and it brims with life—
Till dusk, when it all shuts down.
Its notion of Sin is a boring one:
To cheat at the game of chess.
And it ain't Roaring Fork—
It's New York, New York;
That's the burg in the wilderness.
