1.
THE COY CANDIDATE.
(Berlin’s
"A Couple of Swells")
We're the Governor's
[or Senator's, or Congressman's] staff—
Each time he commits
a gaffe,
We're on the job to obfuscate,
Before anyone can laugh.
We're the Governor's
team—
The work is an ad man's
dream.
We're paid big bucks
to make skim milk
Appear to be whipping
cream.
The press demands, "So
will he run for Prez?"
We asked him that, and
this is what he says:
"Well, I might run for President,
But I'd have to give
it thought.
True, I might run for President,
But I don't know if I
ought.
Still, I might run for President—
But today I've got the
flu,
So I can't run for President,
No, I shan't run for
President,
And I won't run for President
(Till I do)."
How are we at P.R.?
The best in the biz,
by far!
When Peewee Herman came
to us,
We made him a movie star.
What the Governor speaks
Is planned in advance
for weeks.
(We play the syntax down,
so it
Appeals to the common
geeks.)
So will he make a bid against the field?
He may—provided all the bids are sealed.
Now, he might run for President,
But the time just isn't
ripe.
Yes, he might run for President,
But he needs a bit more
hype.
Still, he might run for President—
But you'll keep 'em all
abuzz
If you don't run for President,
So he won't run for President,
No, he shan't run for
President
(Till he does).
[Coda:]
Though he could run for President,
If he would run for President,
And he should run for President,
"Just becuz";
Yet he won't run for
President
(Till he does).
2.
“THEY SHALL NOT PASS.”
("Te Marines’ Hymn")
From the House of
Representatives
To the Senate Chamber
Floor,
We have drawn on
insufficient funds
As we've never drawn
before.
When it comes to
balanced bank accounts,
We confess we don't
know beans;
Even Kennedy describes
us as
The "United States Spalpeens."
From the way the
voters raised the roof
Over passing doubtful
checks,
One would think
that we'd been photographed
With a hooker during
sex.
It is high time
people realized
That to live within
one's means
Doesn't fit the
job description of
The United States Spalpeens.
Rest assured, our
creditworthiness
Has been shipshape,
fore and aft:
Why, the whole blamed
U.S. Treasury
Stood behind each
overdraft!
(Thank the Lord
for back-room brokering
And political machines;
For without them,
who would re-elect
The United States Spalpeens?)
3. BORED OF ELECTIONS.
(Warren's
"The Song of the Marines")
We think like baboons;
We act like buffoons;
Suffice it to say,
we're a gaggle of gullible goons!
We're mighty maroons!
We sit around while
three poltroons
Continue to pursue
The Office of the
Presidency in 1992.
We lose,
Whomever we choose—
However we choose.
We might as well
choose Hussein;
He's less confused,
and probably more humane.
From sea to shining
sea, we see a sea of lunacy,
And, come November
3rd, we'll die of terminal ennui.
What a campaign!
What a show!
They're shovelin'
it—
They're shovelin'
it like snow!
How can they all
stoop so low?
They're shovelin'
it—
They're shovelin'
it like snow!
The mere thought
of George
Does things
to my gorge;
Hillary's Bill
Makes me ill;
And who the heck
can stomach Ross Perot?
They're shovelin'
number two—
shovelin' horse manure—
shovelin'
it like so much snow!
4. FLAT TAX, SHMAT TAX! JUST CUT IT, AWREADY!
(Berlin's
"God Bless America")
While the taxmen
gather
Every bit of brass
From the ravished
pockets
Of the Middle Class,
Let us tell the
Congress
To protect our purse,
As we raise the
rafters
With a mighty curse:
Sod Esoterica;
Screw Things Arcane.
Shun Rococo—
It's loco;
As the Quak-
Ers would say, "K-
Eep It Plain."
Take it easy;
Make it simple;
Cut the claptrap
To the max:
Sod Esoterica,
And ax our tax.
Sod Esoterica;
Just ax our tax.
5. "THERE'S NO ONE THERE" V. "SOMEONE WHO'S OLDER"; OR, "EXCUSE ME, HOW DO I WRITE IN
'COLIN POWELL'?"
(Berlin's
"You’re Just in Love")
The Democrat.
I like Clinton, 'cause of Waco's fate;
James McDougal and
his real estate;
Filegate, Nannygate
and Travelgate;
His Friends are
high—well, so am I.
Flip-flops?
Those are his foundation stones;
And, what's more,
he hits on Paula Jones;
Back in 'Nam, he sure gave Charlie hell;
He doesn't ask or
tell; so Bill's my guy.
The Republican.
I like Dole.
His solution? A brand-new Constitution,
With no blacks,
immigrants or gays;
By outrageous contortions,
he does "stands" on abortions;
In his schools,
everybody prays.
He denies that's
his platform (he's got nerve, I'll say that for'm);
He says once—long
ago—he scored.
He does tend
to sermonize, but don't think I criticize;
I'm not mad—I'm
just plain bored.
6. BUSH AND KERRY.
(Cahn and van Heusen's "Love and Marriage")
Bush and Kerry,
Bush and Kerry:
You'll forgive us,
if we're none too merry.
One is always warring;
The other's just
a little boring.
Bush and Kerry,
Bush and Kerry;
Sad to say, it isn't
Tom and Jerry.
If we had our druthers,
We'd cast our vote
for Sally Struthers.
How, how, how
To choose between
careers
That are checkered?
Now, now, now
It might be well
to scru-
Tinize the record.
Bush and Kerry,
Bush and Kerry
Cursed America with dysentery.
We can all improve
'er—
Get out and vote!
Get out and vote!
Get out and vote—
For Herbert Hoover.
