1. Van
Heusen's High Hopes (Dedicated to the Friars
Club)
You think that the staff
Always stifles a laugh
When the Gang is around?
I'll blow the gaff:
Shecky was a pain in the neck;
Never used to sign for the check.
Waiters would tell him, "Heck, Sheck!
Spring a buck for that check!"
But he had no couth. Simply no couth.
There was no way that shmo tried to show couth.
So if your pocket springs a leak,
Leaves you up the creek,
Just be guided by Sheck—
Whoops! there goes—No, wait. It isn't gone.
Whoops! there goes—No, wait. It's lying there.
Whoops! there goes—No, wait. He left 'em the check.
Pigmeat wasn't any too neat;
Always put his shoes on the seat.
Mexicans mumbled, "Sheet, 'Meat!
Have a care for that seat!"
But he had no couth. Simply no couth.
He had no trace of bogus or faux couth.
So if your dogs should bark a lot,
Feet completely shot,
Do the same as old 'Meat—
Whoops! there goes another easy chair—
Whoops! There goes the new upholstery—
Whoops! There goes another Naugahyde
seat.
Morey was a thundering bore;
Told it, though you'd heard it before.
Clerks would advise him, "Lor', More!
Don't be such an old bore!"
But he had no couth. Simply no couth.
He had "no place to go" apropos couth.
So if you'd like to clear the hall,
Don't just caterwaul—
Take a tip from old More!
Whoops! there goes the staff and membership—
Whoops! there goes the blasted neighborhood—
Whoops! here comes the old reliable bore!
[shouted:]
Gangway!!
2. Porter's
I Get a Kick Out of You
In Business, there's one unvarying thread:
For practic'ly ev'ryone, it's a battle
for bread.
Now, no one does anything simply for
free;
If you ask me to help you, bro,
With a deal that'll make you dough,
Here's the one thing I need to know—
What's in it for me?
Maybe I ought to explain:
Greasing the wheel—that's "The
Art of the Deal";
And, trust me, this deal will go through,
If I get a kickback from you.
Maybe you thought making rain
Took only skill and the instinct to kill,
But you're wrong, 'cause it still remains
true—
I must get a kickback from you.
I get a kickback for making calls
To line up girls named "Lola";
I get my cut, just for having balls
Enough to line up payola.
Maybe I've brought people gain;
Maybe, they say, the best way to make
hay
Is to lay out a peso or two—
So where is my kickback from you?
3. If You're Happy and You Know It
If you're happy and you know it—guess
again.
If you're happy and you know it—count
to ten.
If you're happy and you know it,
Then your misery's inchoate;
It's not whether you will blow it, kid—it's when.
4. Jones's
It Had to be You
Footwear
Put where
People pass by
Never,
Ever
Catches the eye.
Isn't it vile?
Where is the style
That I love?
No matter
Whether
Leather,
Canvas or suede,
Duller
Color
Never was made.
Where is the shoe
Blue as the blue
Up above?
They have to be blue,
Unflinchingly blue.
You ask what I think
Of loafers in pink?
Well, here is a clue:
When buying a shoe—
Ideally, two—,
Insist upon suede
Dyed in a shade
Poignantly blue.
Some shoes are obscene:
They're emerald green;
They're paisley or plaid;
They're shockingly bad,
And painful to view;
And “something in brown”
Makes me grimace.
So knock me down,
Step in my face—
Whatever you do,
This remains true:
Suede should be blue.
