Cohan's
Give My Regards to Broadway
Check
out the Broadway listings;
We'll
take in one or two good shows.
Simply
to score two measly tickets,
We'll
be paying through the nose!
Figure
the meals and parking,
And now
we're talkin' lots of brass.
Give
my regrets to New Broadway—
But,
all in all, I think I'll pass.
* * *
*
Tickets
and tolls and taxes
Have
made the thing a downright farce;
So give
my regrets [rit.] to New Broadway—
The Great
White Way can kiss my arse.
Cohan's
Over There
Underwear!
Underwear!
There's a pair
On the chair
Over there—
And the waistband's gummy,
The crotch is crummy,
With lots of scummy
Pubic hair.
There's a rare
Pungent air,
Like the stench
Of a French
Camembert—
And no wonder!
Because (by thunder!)
They spent six straight weeks
On this very derrière!
Bayes's and Norworth's Shine
On, Harvest Moon
Sign on . . .
Sign on with your *name: __________
And *date of birth: __________
Type in . . .
*Mother's maiden name: __________
*SSN: __________ *telephone: __________
*Address: __________ and *net worth: __________.
These days,
Private facts are few
And far between;
So sign on!
Read the new webzine—
Identity Theft.
Edwards's By the Light
of the Silvery Moon
By the way—
You'll be checkin' out soon,
Like Daniel Boone
And the Rev. Sun Myung Moon.
After noon,
You'll be changing your tune;
As daylight fades,
Your health degrades
Till you lay yourself doon
In the Ultimate Swoon.
Davis's and Akst's
Baby Face
Ruby
Fruit:
You wake up Sunday morning, aprés-toot.
You've got a headache, and the pain's acute—
It's a beaut!
If you're
Feel-
Ing sickly,
They're sure
To heal
You quickly!
What a hoot—
To sip mimosa from a soothing champagne flute!
So if you've lost your punch,
Enjoy a Sunday brunch
At refreshing Ruby Fruit—
There's bloody Mary
At refreshing Ruby Fruit—
Or have some sherry
At refreshing Ruby Fruit—
There's even Jerry
At refreshing Ruby Fruit!
Dreyer's Me
And My Shadow
I would like to clear up some confusion—
Rumors have arisen, here and there.
Goodness only knows
How a rumor grows—
Nonetheless, I'd like the clear the air.
Now, listen:
Me, I'm not Rambo.
Don't be fooled by all the buzz.
Me? I'm not Rambo.
Did you think—? Well, everybody does!
We've both got attitude;
We tend to strut;
We're never rude—
We simply kick butt.
But me—I'm not Rambo.
Just in case you thought I was.
[Return to bridge for:]
I whupped the Vietcong
In Vietnam;
I'm twice as strong
As Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Damn—he ain't no Rambo!
As for me—perhaps I am.
Whiting's Ain't
We Got Fun?
Every mornin',
Every evenin'
Eat chicken pie!
It's a ritual;
Something which you'll
Be wise to try.
There's nothing moister,
The poets have sung;
So serve that oyster
With plenty of tongue!
Certain fellas
Go for breast meat;
Well, so do I.
I can dig it.
But the best meat
Is near the thigh.
It might surprise her—
The entrée coming with the appetizer.
Understood, boy?
Be a good boy
And eat your pie!
[Return to last eight bars
for:]
Try cunnilingus
To tintinnabulate her ring-ding-dingus.
She will wig out,
If you pig out
On chicken pie.
[And for the big finish:]
Here's the lowdown:
Better go down
And eat your pie!
(My, my!)
Gabler's L-O-V-E
“D” is Hello Deli’s plat du jour;
“A” is Sirajul and Mujibur;
“V” is Stupid Pet Tricks—
Dogs that do obstetrics—
“E”—when stars assist
To put across a Top Ten List for
Dave—he's why I stole a T.V. set.
Dave—he's why I’m still not reading yet.
Yet I wouldn’t swap him;
No one else can hope to top him—
With balsamic vinaigrette.
Von Tilzer's
Take Me Out To The Ball Game
Take me out of the line-up;
Send me back to the bench:
Hostile takeovers and poison pills—
Frankly, folks, I was fed to the gills!
So I cooked the books down at Enron,
And Lay did roughly the same;
So we're gilt . . . gilt . . . guilty of playing
The old shell game.
Cohan's Yankee
Doodle Dandy
Try a swanky do at Danny's;
Toast our Independence Day.
For real, live music, they've got Jerry Scott—
Trust me, he knows how to play!
There's icy Absolut™ from Sweden,
And rum from tropical St. Croix;
Danny's menu takes the cake—
And that ain't macaroni!
Come down to Danny's and enjoy!
