February 26, 1994, Shinsaibashi Muse Hall

Let me say right off the top that I don’t have any photos from this show because I am a bonehead. I forgot to buy batteries for my camera. Do me a favor and kick my ass. Just kick my ass hard. Since the Ruins and UFO or Die rarely play live, I lost a fantastic photo opportunity even though I have absolutely no talent whatsoever as a photographer. Now I don’t feel like writing this review. Okay, you talked me into it.

This show was a welcome relief from the doldrums of February. I just got over this disgusting venomous flu that made me feel like a filthy savage rabid goat. When you catch a cold in Japan, it’s the real deal, amigo. None of this "drink some hot soup and rest for three days" bullshit. That sucker is going is to be like some unwanted uncle who makes himself at home for three weeks, drinks all your beer, and leaves the empties on the floor by the TV. That’s the reason that all these people walk around with surgical masks covering their mouths. You may think they belong to some weird religious cult, but the truth is that they are concerned about infecting others with their sickness. (I don’t care how many people I infect on the train. You won’t catch me wearing one of those silly things in public.)

End of hygiene lesson. I’ve got more important things at hand like Omoide Hatoba. The last time we met up with Mr. Yamamoto & Co. was at the Alchemy Night Showcase a few weeks ago. I told you that they weren’t very good that night. I was being much too kind. They sucked wood. This time Omoide Hatoba was like an out of control 747 Jumbo Jet hovering above a schoolyard during recess. I had heard about the power of the Hatoba live, but I wasn’t a believer until I saw this show. Wow!

Can you say Unlimited Freak Out or Die? I sure couldn’t. I had been pronouncing UFO or Die incorrectly for months until someone pointed UFO is pronounced the Japanese way-- YUFO. This Boredoms spin-off group consists of Yamatsuka Eye, Yoshimi P-we, and Hayashi-san from Leningrad Blues Machine. Eye started this group because he wanted to play guitar. The first incarnation of UFO or Die was called Hasty Snail Baby (Yoshimi P-we was in this group before she joined the Boredoms), and included current Boredom Yoshikawa Toyohito on vocals. (The name was changed when Yoshikawa quit.)

Eye ditched the guitar and switched to a sampling keyboard a couple of years ago. Eye said he sold the keyboard in the street for ¥5000, and now uses a Fisher-Price style toy guitar replete with samples of classic rock tunes like "Smoke on The Water." UFO or Die also used a flashing toy radio beat box like the ones they sell in Chinatown for five bucks -- a supercollider of nonstop fun. I wish that UFO or Die played at my Bar Mitzvah instead of the balding fat guys who thought that they were "hip" and "with it" when they played covers of "Fame" and "Celebration." Did I mention that Hayashi-san came out dressed like a raccoon?

The mighty Ruins were the headliners. I always confuse the Ruins with High Rise. I think that their names are too similar. Tokyo has a lot of High Rise buildings. Then Godzilla comes along and leaves everything in Ruins. You can see how easily one can confuse the two. (Message to myself: I’ve got to think of some snappy segue into the live review. Delete this before publication or you’ll look like an idiot.) Imagine Godzilla and Rodan starting a band together and you’ve got the Ruins. Twisted prog-rock, sick jazz, noise and....wait a cock-tooting minute . . . I am tired, yes tired, of coming up with interesting ways to describe this music for you ignorant fools. If you really want to know what this music sounds like, you’re going to have to listen to it with your own ears. All I’m going to tell you from now on is what I thought of the band. The hell with all these bloated adjectives, my name is not Robert Christgau and this is not the Village Voice. The Ruins put on one f**k of a show, but you’ll probably never get to see them anyway. Bleh!

To My Dear Readers, I sincerely apologize for the above outburst. I had no right to say such vile and mean things. You, the fanzine reader, have come to expect bloated adjectives and hyperbole in reviews as a matter of course, and it is my duty and obligation to supply them to you without fail. Once again, I apologize to you all from the darkest regions of my heart. --Mary Worth