I grew up watching Godzilla movies like everyone else: badly dubbed edited versions on Sunday afternoon television -- Godzilla, Rodan, Mothra, Guidra and more. I even went as far as to see two Godzilla movies in the theater: the god-awful Godzilla-vs-Megalon, and the abysmal Godzilla 1985. I had almost given up on Godzilla until seeing a Japanese letter-boxed version of King Kong-vs-Godzilla on video. Now, that was a work of art.

Still, nothing could come close to the experience of seeing Godzilla in a movie theater in Japan -- the homeland of all Toho monsters. Upon entering the theater, I was given a complimentary bag full of Godzilla goodies, which included a bookmark, a rubber Guidra toy and a flier for the upcoming Gamera movie. I was overjoyed, but I was not prepared for what was on the second floor -- a whole array of Godzilla merchandise: T-shirts, watches, trading cards, key-chains, pencil cases, action figures, movie soundtracks, posters and more. I thought about buying a T-shirt, but it unfortunately looked too much like an Iron Maiden reject than something I would wear. I did manage to snag a beautiful program -- certain to become a collector’s item -- and two packs of trading cards.

I entered the theater with great anticipation. To my surprise, the theater was half-empty, and most of the audience was made up of 5-year-olds! In America, a Godzilla movie falls under the same category as a John Woo film -- i.e., it’s a major hipster event. If this were NYC, I’d be sitting in the theater with about five of my buddies -- all pumped up to see Godzilla -- and we’d be yelling stuff at the screen the moment the action started. Then, we’d all get drunk and maybe get into a couple of fights and smash things -- that’s how pumped up we’d be after seeing a Godzilla flick. But here I was across the ocean with a bunch of toddlers who probably didn’t know Mothra from Guidra.

After a cigarette commercial starring Charlie Sheen (the worst actor of his generation until Billy Baldwin came along), there was a preview of the new Gamera movie. Now this movie looks great, and I don’t want to give anything away, but I do want to share a very disturbing experience with all of you: Mothra made an appearance in the preview, and a friend that I dragged along started laughing out loud.

So I was like, "What’s so funny?"

And my friend was like, "What does that giant bug do? It looks like a weakling."

So I said, "That ‘giant bug’ [air quotes] just happens to be Mothra, okay. Mothra is far from being a ‘weakling’ [more air quotes]. He has special powers."

"What kind of powers?"

"Special powers." I was starting to get irritated.

"Telekinetic supersonic . . . I can’t really explain it. It’s very scientific."

The movie started and I’ll spare you the Siskel & Ebert crap and just give it to you straight. This Godzilla movie kicked mondo butt. Space Godzilla was a formidable opponent for our hero. There was a scene where Space Godzilla tortured Baby Godzilla that was more disturbing than the ear-cutting scene in Reservoir Dogs. I don’t like Baby Godzilla -- I don’t know where he came from and I don’t want to know, ever. But seeing him tortured like that by Space Godzilla was frightening -- a couple of 5-year-olds started crying. I almost started crying. Even though Baby Godzilla is a wussy, he’s still kind of cute. And poor Godzilla, he got his ass kicked -- humiliated in front of his only son.

Okay, that’s all I’m going to reveal. I do want to talk about a couple of things that ticked me off. First of all, Toho has started using a bunch of no-talent has-been ex-teen idols in key roles. I’m talking about Corey Feldman/Corey Haim/Leif Garret/Justine Bateman types who can’t act their way out of a barrel. Now, it would be okay if these ex-teen idols got killed by Godzilla -- I’d pay extra money to see that. But these no-talent yahoos are simply unconvincing as scientists and technicians.

The old Godzilla movies had real actors who knew how to convey the right sense of horror and dread when Godzilla destroyed Tokyo. When you think of what these actors were up against -- cheap special effects, choppy editing, the humiliation of being dubbed out-of-sync in the overseas versions -- one cannot help but wonder why they did not receive more recognition for their craft.

Let’s examine the role of the beautiful scientist, played by some lame actress whose name escapes me. This donkey-head did not have the skills to bring out the psychosexual feelings that her character felt for Godzilla. Her teary-eyed portrayal was appropriate -- if you were watching a lame karaoke video for some sappy love song. And shame on the two nitwits who played the singing Mothra twins. I did some research and found out that the original twins were played by twin singing sensations the Peanuts. The Peanuts sang beautiful, moving songs about Mothra; the new twins can’t sing to save their lives. I’d rather see the Peanuts in the role, even though they’re like 75 years old now or something.

I have to admit that I was envious of several American actors who appeared in the movie as members of G-Force, the international Godzilla defense force. (They even had uniforms with special patches.) I’m considering writing a letter to Toho in order to find out how one goes about becoming a foreign extra in a Godzilla movie. All you have to do is say things like: "Our radar has picked up radioactive activity at 200 degrees latitude off the island of Bali Bali." Which is usually followed by: "What the hell is that!! We’re all gonna die! AHHHHHHH!!!" That can’t be too difficult.

Well, that’s the official Exile Osaka Godzilla report. I don’t know if you’re ever going to get a chance to see Space Godzilla -- considering that the last four Godzilla flicks were not released abroad. That, my friend, is a crying shame. Write your congressman or something. Whattaya want me to do?