Dennis Miller Sezwhat?
Tonight Show Apr. 4, 2003
Dennis Miller: War coverage? I cannot tell you how proud it makes me...I watch the we handle ourselves over there -- I've never felt so patriotic in my life. About the war... there are four types of people against the war:
1. Pacifists -- sincere but they have Amish tourettes syndrome. But at least they are consistent, you have to respect them.
2. The Hitler crowd: For them everyone is like Hitler. Ashcroft is Hitler, Rumsfeld is Hitler Cheney is Hitler Bush is Hitler...everbody is Hitler except for the one guy with a mustache whose idea of fun is dropping people into the wood chipper...
3. The guys with an agenda ..Tom Daschle...Nancy Pelosi I call them the elite democratic guard.. I'm not sure that Pelosi is going to work out -- her eyes say that even she looks surprised that she got the job.
4. The fourth group is the flat out yahoo protesters who will protest anything...they'll kick out a Gap one day, protest the war the next -- like the guys who can;t get an acting job so they overproduce their answering machine message...
War protesters are just putting duct tape across their mouths so I can still tell them to blow out their ass!
On the Dixie Chicks -- they may as well open up the tour in Basra -- what a surprise -- making fun of the President in a foreign country during wartime pisses off the nascar crowd..surprise...I fell sorry for the other two who are just trying to make music and have to deal with the middle one... maybe Jeff Foxworthy can show up in concert wearing a fez...
On Michael Moore: How can such a big guy be such a small man.. why are you even showing up to get an oscar -- isn't that the quintessential American hood ornament? At least Eminem had the guts not to show up...He's going to wake up every day for the rest of his life, and he's going to tell us how he hates everything about this country except his right to hate it. And then we say that we love it and he's going to tell us what naive sheep we are and that he's the true patriot because he hates it and he sees all the problems in it. Yeah, right, Mike. You know something, if my yawn got any bigger they'd have to assign it a hurricane name, okay? Michael Moore simultaneously represents everything I detest in a human being and everything I feel obligated to defend in an American. Quite simply, it is that stupid moron's right to be that utterly, completely wrong.
On Peter Arnett: How am I supposed to trust the honesty of a reporter that has that bad of a comb-over on top of his head? He's got four hairs left and he's swirling them around...This guy is dangerously close to pulling hair over from another guy's head. Hey guess what Pete? We know you're bald, okay? The outside of your skull is as empty as the inside.
On global warming: There's a lot of differing data, but as far as I can gather, over the last hundred years the temperature on this planet has gone up 1.8 degrees. Am I the only one who finds that amazingly stable? I could go back to my hotel room tonight and futz with the thermostat for three to four hours. I could not detect that difference.
It is stupid for anybody in the world to say they're for war. But I am for this war because, you know, we've got to protect ourselves now. And we've got to remind the world that there is a point that we will not be pushed past before the [bleep]hammer comes down. Now, the simple fact is, do I think Saddam Hussein can bury the nuclear jumper from the top of the key? No, I don't. He's a putz. But I do think he can distribute the ball going down the lane and I think we've got to smack him around. It's time to circle the SUVs! The simple fact is, you've got to view this war like we've been on a long family car ride. Bush is the father and he's been screaming [gestures with arm as if a driver scolding kids in back seat] 'don't make me come back there!' for around 200 miles now and it just reached the point where we had to pull the car over and the bad kid is going to get the spanking of his life.”...we waited too long on the Nazis...history repeats itself...history repeats itself...People whine that the war is taking too long! After 2 weeks ...it took Joe millionaire 8 weeks to pick Zora....and he didn't enter her Baghdad..don't worry our boys are kicking ass and taking hyphenated names.
I would encourage the boys though not to rip down all those big wall portraits of Hussein because you got to remember, pretty soon we're going to need a headstone for my main man's grave and you might want to save one for him.
God knows that we've got things we've got to perfect in this country. But there's enough people downplaying it right now. I want to go so far against that. I want to thank the president and thank the troops for doing the hard job, so people like us can do the easy jobs -- like doing the Tonight Show... god bless them.