Chapter 1

1. And so it came to pass that on the 6th day of October in the year 2005, the Founder was driving a 1989 Toyota Camry on the Garden State Parkway.

2. And it was as he was passing through the Raritan Toll Plaza that a wondrous thought struck the mind of the Founder.

3. This idea which blossomed in the mind of the founder blossomed wholly from the mind of the founder and was not accompanied by any impressive lights in the sky, earthquakes, or any other creepy phenomena.

4. Despite this, the thought which the founder thought was this: Start your own religion.

Chapter 2

1. But what kind of religion would the Founder start?

2. It certainly wouldn't be like any of those other stuffy religions. It would not purport to have all the answers, because the Founder does not have all the answers. It would not require that people deny themselves all the cool things that life has to offer because the founder thinks those things are, well.... cool.

3. So what would the idea her be? What would be the central tenet? What would be the Way of the Founder?

4. The founder thought about this for a minute and like a brick in the face, two words formed in the Founder's mind, and these two words were: NO BULLSHIT.

Chapter 3

1. And so, thought the Founder, where will I build my church? Where shall the followers of the Way meet and worship? Where shall we convene and converse and leave the bullshit behind?

2. And the Founder answered himself: The taverns shall be my churches the bar shall be my altar and the bartenders shall be my deacons.

3. And the Founder said unto himself: Shit, that was easy.

Chapter 4

1. And the founder said unto himself: How will I spread my Way? How shall people hear my words?

2. And he answered himself: I shall use the internet -- after all, I am a man of limited means.

3. And my message shall be heard by the multitudes who, with nothing better to do, surf the web and sift through the mind-numbing wasteland that exists there.

4. And when they find out that I have started a religion, to celebrate the meaninglessness of our lives, one that provides no answers and makes no demands, they shall flock to me.

Chapter 5

1. What shall I call my religion? said the Founder. And he thought yet again, still having not reached the land of Red Bank.

2. And he said to himself: I need to call it something that spells something else. I need an acronym.

3. I shall call my religion the church of the everlasting hard-on, he said, but then he thought again.

4. No, that spells COEHO....what the fuck is COEHO?

5. Then he thought, I shall call my religion The Church of Carnal Knowledge....that spells COCK! Uh....huh huh.........

6. And the Founder was mildly entertained and he thought things like: Now I can say stuff like, here are some pearls of wisdom from the cock!  Uh.....huh huh.....

Chapter 6

1. And so what does it all mean? It means nothing. Just like life. It goes on and does what it does and you can go over it again and again in your head and guess what?..... it still goes on no matter what you make of it.

2. You can come up with clever theories and beautiful rhetororic and you can wear your hair shirts and flog yourselves.

3. And guess what.....it goes on and does what it does and you're just stuck here.

4. And it laughs at you 'cause you're just a human and you want so bad to believe you're important but you're not.

5. You are just a piece of the grand design like Einstein's theories or like a piece of dogshit drying on the sidewalk.

Chapter 7

1. So what can you do fuckhead?

Chapter 8

1. You can forget about all of those false prophets that are telling you to follow all kinds of aesthetic rules to follow... they are full of shit.

2. you can forget about trying to live up to someone else's standard.

3. You can forget about trying to fit in to any group or religion.

4. You can forget about trying to do what comes from anything outside of yourself.

Chapter 9

1. So what are you supposed to do?

2. Fucked if I know!

3. Well if you want advice, I'll give you some.

4. Although I, at least will be honest enough to admit that this is just my shit and not try to feed you some bullshit like, God told me this, or I was given this in a vision, like uhhh, the buddhists, christians, muslims, scientologists, assholists and any other religion will tell you .

Chapter 10

1. It's all bullshit.

2. It is what it is.

3. Here's some basic shit.

4. Do what you like to do. If you are doing what you don't like to do you are wrong.

5. Other people will always try to get you what they want you to do because they are trying to validate themselves.

6. Be a shining beacon for others. If others follow you....great. If they don't, die......let your shit die with you and have the honor to realize you were wrong.  (Radical islamists take note!)

7. If others do not follow you do NOT use forceful means to get others to follow you, be those means overt aggression OR passive aggression.

8. Respect the fact that others will rely on religions other than this one (the true one in my opinion) to get themselves through to the end of their day and let them roll with that as long as they are not trying to force their religion on you (radical islamists again take note!!)

9. Hey fuckheads, it's like this....get drunk, be happy, be honest, and ride on....how fucking simple is that???

Chapter 11

1. And so how fuckin simple is that???

2. It's not going to solve your problems but ya know what?

3. I'll respect ya!!! Even if no one else will.

4. And you'll be a damn good person none-the-less.

Chapter 12

1. And what of all these other religions????

2.Christianity, Islam, and Judaism are all full of shit.

3. There I said it fuck them all.

4. Rigidity and control is all that they are about.

5. Dump them.

6. They suck.

7. Hinduism and Buddhism???

8. They don't believe in our everyday existence.

9. What else do we have????

10. Take your existence and make it meaningful to you. It is all you have. And when you die.....you are gone. There is no more you. Yes that's it....you are dead....end of story.

Chapter 13

1. Is it so bad to exist outside the Machine??

2. The religious machine, the corporate machine, the money machine?

3. I'll take an interesting failure over a dead success anytime.

4. And so here THIS is:

5. YOU are a living story, a living book, a living movie and YOU are better than anything that has appeared on a screen, page, or has been uttered by the lips of any storyteller.

6. That is, unless you've given it up to run on the track.

Chapter 14

1. There are certain things a person should do in this life.

2. These are my fucking commandments:

  1. Drink Alcoholic Beverages

  2. Be Honest

  3. Have Sex Often

  4. Try not to hurt anyone unless they deserve it.

  5. Defend yourself

  6. Stay in shape

  7. Listen to Music

  8. Dance every now and then

  9. Speak your mind.

  10. Don't let anyone tell you how to live.